This Book Is Not Good For You (14 page)

“Do you think one of us should keep watch while the others sleep?” asked Max-Ernest. “I mean in case somebody sees us.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Cass.

“For sure,” said Yo-Yoji.

“So who…?”

Max-Ernest’s friends looked at him expectedly.

“Fine,” he said after a moment. “But I’m waking one of you up after a couple hours. It’ll be like a watch system on a boat. How ’bout that?”

Unfortunately, he didn’t make it that long. He was so exhausted that he barely made it a couple minutes.

Soon, all three friends were fast asleep. As the minutes wore on, they snuggled closer together for warmth. Like puppies lying together in the grass.

Given the peaceful expressions on their faces, you’d never guess they were camping out in a wild animal park, exposed to the elements and only minutes away from the home of perhaps the most vile and villainous organization in the world, the Midnight Sun.

Shadowy forms stalked them in their sleep. But when one after another they stirred and looked briefly out at the starry night, they reassured themselves that they were dreaming, and that those shapes were only boulders.

With contented sighs, they resumed their innocent slumber.

Only when dawn came did they learn they were no longer alone.

Max-Ernest’s bed, like everyone’s bed, sometimes got gritty. After a day of digging through stuff at Cass’s grandfathers’ store, for example.

Never, however, had he felt a pebble as large as the one now sticking into his thigh. It was practically a rock. In fact, it was a rock.

He shifted away from it, only to hit another, larger rock with his left hip.

What was going on? Where was he?

Still half asleep, Max-Ernest raised his head.

He immediately noticed two things:

First, he was not in bed. He was outside. And it was dawn.

Second, the air around him was very hot and moist. It felt almost as though there were an animal breathing down the back of his neck.

Come to think of it, it smelled that way, too.

Suddenly, Max-Ernest was gripped by fear. Fear worse than when Dr. L offered to operate on his brain. Fear worse than when Ms. Mauvais threatened to feed him to a shark.

Slowly, by inches, Max-Ernest turned around.

Until he faced a sight few people ever get to see. And fewer still live to tell about.

The inside of a lion’s mouth.

The lion opened wider, stretching his black lips and baring his long incisors. His tongue, Max-Ernest couldn’t help noticing, was just about the size of Max-Ernest’s head.

The lion let out the biggest yawn Max-Ernest had ever seen. Or heard. Then the lion shook his mane and—blessedly—closed his mouth.

But Max-Ernest’s relief was short-lived. Because a second later the lion was licking his lips and staring at him. It looked rather like the lion was contemplating breakfast.

“Stand up slowly,” Max-Ernest heard Cass whisper from somewhere behind him. “Don’t run—remember, that triggers their predatory instincts.”

His heart pounding, Max-Ernest complied. He looked over his other shoulder. A few feet away from him, Yo-Yoji and Cass were already standing.

They were surrounded by lions on all sides. Six altogether. A pride. The boulders, it turned out, were seats. Thrones. For the kings of beasts.

“Now hold your arms out wide like the Amazing Alfred told us.” Cass spread her arms, demonstrating. “Like you’re really big, and too much trouble for a lion to chase down and eat. Like maybe you’d fight back.”

Terrified, Mar-Ernest and Yo-Yoji followed suit.

“OK, start backing away—slowly.”

Step by stumbling step, the three kids walked backward down the hill. The longest walk of their life.

The lions blinked at them but did not move.

Eventually, our young heroes found the courage to turn their backs on them and pick up their pace. Silently, they all thanked the Amazing Alfred for their lesson in lion safety.

Of course, it is impossible to know exactly what the lions were thinking, or whether or not the lion tamer’s wide-arms trick convinced them to leave the kids alone. But, judging by their expressions, the lions didn’t think the strange two-legged animals striding away from them looked very tasty. *

Most likely, the lions thought the three humans were out of their minds. The humans, after all, were walking straight toward the rainforest. And the lions knew better than to ever enter such a dangerous place.

Max-Ernest stalled.

There was no way to pass without getting wet. So much water rained down from the sprinklers at the entrance to Rainbow Rainforest that there was practically a waterfall.

“C’mon, if you don’t hurry we might get caught!” Cass beckoned from the other side where she and Yo-Yoji were both standing drenched. “We don’t know what time the first tram goes through.”

“Just a second—I’m saving up my breath!”

“It’s not like you have to swim…”

“OK, OK!” Closing his eyes, Max-Ernest sprinted through the downpour.

“Way to go, dude!” Laughing, Yo-Yoji patted Max-Ernest on the back while Cass ran ahead. “You can open your eyes now…”

Max-Ernest opened his eyes cautiously. Relieved, he shook his hair out like a dog.

“Darn it!”

They looked down the road: in her eagerness, Cass had slipped in the mud. She pushed herself up on her hands, sleeves dripping.

“You OK?” Yoji asked when he and Max-Ernest caught up with her.

“Fine!” said Cass, her ears tingling with embarrassment. “But look—” The remaining trail mix had spilled in the mud. There was no saving it.

“Too bad,” said Yo-Yoji. “I was just going to ask for some. I’m way hungry.”

“I know. Me, too.”

As Cass shakily stood up, Max-Ernest pointed behind her—“Hey, is that a path?”

It was. In her fall, Cass had knocked over a bush, revealing a narrow footpath.

The kids wasted no time in following it.

At first the path was so winding and overgrown that they thought it might not be a real path at all. Or perhaps it had been made by an animal. But eventually it widened and before long they found themselves in a large, sun-filled clearing—the first time they’d seen more than a small patch of sky since they’d entered the rainforest.

“Yo, Max-Ernest—heads up,” said Yo-Yoji, throwing something small and round at him. “Breakfast!”

Max-Ernest instinctively reached up to catch with both hands, not knowing what it was. But as soon as he felt the fuzzy texture, he was overwhelmed with a sense of horror. And he dropped the offending object—a peach—on the ground.

“Don’t ever do that again,” he said, pale and trembling.

“What? Throw fruit at you? I thought you’d be used to that after all those stand-up comedy routines of yours—just kidding.”

“I have haptodysphoria.”

“Don’t tell me—another allergy,” said Cass.

“No, it’s a phobia. It’s fear of peach fuzz.” *

“Is that like one of your weird jokes?” asked Yo-Yoji, incredulous.

“I never joke about my conditions.”

“I’ll vouch for that,” said Cass. “But it’s too bad you won’t try one, Max-Ernest—they’re the best peaches I ever had.”

After further investigation, they discovered the peach tree was not the only fruit tree in the vicinity; they were in an orchard. But an orchard unlike any of them had ever seen before. It was more like a botanical garden—exclusively for fruit. Each tree was labeled with the name and description of the kind of fruit the tree bore.

Most were fruits the kids had never heard of:

MAGIC FRUIT

Take one bite of this mysterious fruit, and for a long moment afterward, sour things will taste sweet and sweet things sour.

STAR FRUIT

This yellow fruit originally came from Sri Lanka. When you slice it, it makes stars.

DRAGON FRUIT

Though its flesh is sweet, this fiery fruit has scales like the meanest dragon.

Cass tried to discard the hitchhiker fruit she’d picked only to have it stick to her shirt. (So that was what the sign meant about hitching a ride…!)

STINKY FRUIT

Known as the King of Fruits, the odor of this prickly fruit is so strong the fruit has been banished from many places in Asia.

HITCH-HIKER FRUIT

Don’t brush against this fruit unless you want it to hitch a ride.

Needless to say, Max-Ernest wouldn’t sample any of the fruit. “What are you guys going to do if I have an allergic reaction? You can’t very well take me to the hospital,” he pointed out. “So why do you think all these trees are here anyway? You think there was a fruit section in the old zoo? That doesn’t really make sense.”

“Wouldn’t the trees be bigger then? Most of these don’t look very old,” said Yo-Yoji.

“Maybe Hugo planted them—and they’re ingredients for chocolate, you know, like different fillings and flavors,” said Cass.

Max-Ernest considered this. “Maybe. But then where are the cacao seeds? That’s what you really need to make chocolate.”

“What do cacao trees look like?” asked Yo-Yoji. “You guys did all that research…”

“They grow kind of straight up with branches sticking straight out,” said Max-Ernest. “They look kind of like cartoons. Also, they only grow in the shade. So they wouldn’t be out here—hey!” Max-Ernest covered his head protectively. “Would you stop throwing things at me already?!”

“I didn’t! But now I’m going to…!” Yo-Yoji laughed, ducking as something sailed past his head. “You threw that back so fast—who knew you could!”

“But I didn’t…”

“Ow!” This time it was Cass who got hit—in the face. “It’s neither of you, you buttheads! Look—”

A monkey was hanging by his tail from a tree limb at the edge of the orchard. In outline, he looked like a classic monkey, the kind of monkey you might see collecting coins for a street performer in an old movie. But his face was an unusually dark shade of brown and his fur was a fluffily perfect snow white.

In one hand, he held some kind of orangish reddish fruit that resembled a deflated football. Laughing merrily, he picked seeds from the fruit. Ate one or two. Then threw the rest at the kids below.

“Hey, cut that out!” said Cass.

Yo-Yoji picked a seed off the ground—it was purple—and threw it back at the monkey, narrowly missing him. “How do you like that, monkey-dude?!”

The monkey snorted unrepentantly. Throwing his half-eaten fruit to the ground, he dropped from his perch and caught a lower branch by one hand. With the appearance of ease, he swung himself to another tree—and disappeared into the rainforest.

Max-Ernest ran to the bottom of the tree the monkey had abandoned, and he grabbed the now squashed remains of the fruit.

“Yuck!” He held it as far away from his face as possible. Sticky white pulp oozed onto his hands. But as disgusted as he felt, he grinned with excitement. “This is it! This is a cacao pod. It looks just like the pictures.”

“So those things he was throwing were cacao seeds?” Yo-Yoji scrambled to find more of the seeds on the ground.

“Forget the seeds—follow the monkey,” shouted Cass. “Maybe he’ll take us to the tree!”

They caught sight of the monkey almost as soon as they reentered the rainforest.

As the monkey swung effortlessly from branch to branch, the kids scrambled to keep up. Unfortunately, the ground was covered with roots and puddles and plenty of other less identifiable obstructions.

“I thought we were supposed to be more evolved than monkeys—I never realized walking was so slow and impractical,” complained Cass, breathing hard. “Maybe in the future we’ll go back to having monkey hands.”

“But then we’d lose our opposable thumbs,” said Max-Ernest. “That wouldn’t make sense, evolution-wise.”

“Yeah, but we’d have opposable tails like his—that would be cool!” She nodded to the white monkey hanging by his tail from a tree up ahead. He almost seemed to be lingering intentionally, as if he was waiting for them.

“They’re called prehensile tails,” said Max-Ernest. “And I don’t think monkeys can write with them.”

Yo-Yoji shook his head. “Don’t you guys ever not talk?”

When they reached the monkey, he screeched at them—and leaped to the next tree.

“He wants us to follow,” said Cass.

“That’s great—as long as he takes us somewhere we want to go,” said Yo-Yoji.

“Hey, is anybody paying attention in case we need to retrace our steps?” asked Max-Ernest.

But the others didn’t hear him; they were already following the monkey deeper into the rainforest.

After another twenty minutes or so, their way was blocked by a huge fallen tree—with a trunk as wide as the kids were tall.

Cass and Yo-Yoji each grasped onto the tree, trying to climb over it—but they both slipped immediately. The tree bark was covered with slimy green moss. There was no way to get a foothold.

“Oh great!” Cass grumbled. “Now what?”

“I dunno,” said Yo-Yoji, looking up. “And the monkey’s gone.”

Max-Ernest frowned in consternation. “What’s this tree doing here anyway?”

“Blocking our way—what’s it look like?” said Yo-Yoji.

“No, I mean—why is it here in the first place? It would have to be hundreds of years old to have such a big trunk. And they only built this rainforest like twenty years ago… how ’bout that?”

“So maybe it was here before,” said Cass. “Anyway, the point is it’s here now and we have to figure out a way to get over it.”

Yo-Yoji looked closer at the tree. “Hey, Cass—give me your knife for a second.”

“Why—you want to carve your initials?” she joked. “That’s like polluting, you know.…”

“Just give it to me.”

Cass dug into her backpack and handed him her Swiss army knife. Yo-Yoji dug into the bark of the tree with it.

“Here—see.” He stuck his finger in where he’d carved a hole, then showed it to his friends. It was covered with white powder. Plaster.

“The tree’s fake!” said Cass.

They all looked at each other, excitement on their faces.

“They must have put it here to stop people from getting through,” said Max-Ernest.

“Like to a secret chocolate plantation!” said Yo-Yoji.

“Come on—there has to be a way in somewhere,” said Cass. “A secret passage or something.”

But there wasn’t. Not that they could find anyway.

On either end of the tree was dense brush. When they pushed it aside they found a hidden stone wall—topped with the familiar spools of razor wire. The wall meant they were probably right about the plantation being on the other side, but they were no closer to getting in.

Just as they were beginning to despair, the monkey swung into view above them. (He, obviously, had no trouble getting over the wall.) He shook his head, as if in disgust at their inability to swing from trees.

“Thanks for nothing,” Yo-Yoji shouted to the monkey. “We thought you were our friend—”

Cass put her finger to her lip. “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t shout so loud—somebody could be on the other side of the wall.”

Yo-Yoji shrugged in annoyance, but he remained silent. Cass was right, of course.

“I think maybe he’s trying to tell us something,” said Max-Ernest, staring at the monkey.

Indeed, the monkey, no longer laughing, had swung down to a low branch and was pointing to the root ball of the fallen tree. That is, the fake root ball end of the fake fallen tree.

Max-Ernest was the first to make it to the tree roots, which were surprisingly large and elaborate. When you looked at them straight on, the twisting roots spread outward, creating the shape of a sun.

At the center of the roots was a large round door, and at the center of the door a large brass knob in the shape of a monkey’s head.

Max-Ernest gave the knob an experimental turn. “It’s locked.”

“Is there a way to enter a combination or something?” asked Yo-Yoji.

Max-Ernest shook his head. “Doesn’t look like it.”

“Great. So there’s a key then,” said Cass in frustration. “How are we going to find the key?”

“Actually, I’m not even sure there’s a keyhole,” said Max-Ernest. “There’s just a… mouth.”

He pointed to the hole in the center of the brass monkey’s face; it was exactly where a mouth should be.

“Super. Now, we’re really not going to be able to open it… hey, cut that out!” said Cass angrily.

The monkey—the live monkey above them, that is—was throwing cacao seeds again. Cass’s shouting only seemed to encourage him to throw more. She shook her fist at him.

He shook his head disdainfully, then tossed a seed into his mouth.

“Wait,” said Yo-Yoji. “Here—”

He picked a cacao seed off the ground and handed it to Max-Ernest. “Put it in.”

Max-Ernest looked skeptical. Nonetheless, he carefully inserted the seed into the hole in the doorknob. It dropped like a coin in a slot.

“I think it worked—!”

He grasped the knob again. This time, it turned.

The door opened to reveal a narrow tunnel that ran the length of the tree. At the end was another round door, this one slightly ajar.

“Shh!” Cass put her fingers to her lips.

The others nodded. They didn’t know exactly what dangers awaited them on the other side of that door. But that there would be dangers, of that there was no doubt.