This Book Is Not Good For You (23 page)

She was in the meadow again. But now it was night. A full moon reflected silver on the tall grass.

The taste of chocolate lingered in her mouth, a dim reminder of a faraway place she’d left, or so it seemed, long, long ago.

In front of her was the Jester’s tent, its candy-striped sides billowing in the breeze. As she stepped closer, a cloud passed over the moon, shrouding the tent in darkness.

Holding her breath, she parted the tent flaps and looked inside, ready to meet the Jester once more—

A fiery white glow blinded her eyes. It was as if she were staring into the center of a midnight sun.

CHOCOLOSSARY

a slightly biased glossary of chocolate terminology

Blood Chocolate: Chocolate made with the help of slave labor, usually child slaves working on African cacao plantations. The reason Cass proposed a chocolate boycott.

Cacao: The tree, pod, and seed from which chocolate is made. The root of all goodness.

Cocoa: Basically a misspelling of cacao. Also refers to Dutch process cocoa powder and a warm comforting drink sometimes topped with whipped cream.

Cocoa Butter: The oozing white fat squeezed out of cacao nibs, then later folded back in during the conching process. Sometimes rubbed on human skin.

Conching: The process whereby the thick brown sludge of early-stage chocolate is stirred and kneaded until it becomes smooth and silky.

Dark Chocolate: Heaven on Earth.

Fair Trade Chocolate: Chocolate certified not to be blood chocolate. Cass now insists that all the chocolate she eats be fair trade chocolate, made from sustainably farmed cacao.

Ganache: A soft filling or frosting made of cream and chocolate.

Midge: A tiny fly that pollinates the pink flower of the cacao tree. Without midges, there would be no cacao pods, hence no cacao seeds and ultimately no chocolate. Midges like dark moist places, one reason cacao trees grow best in the shade. Also an insulting nickname for a short person.

Milk Chocolate: Chocolate for beginners. A lesser version of dark chocolate. Very sweet. Often waxy. Eat only if you must.

Nibs: Broken bits and pieces of cacao seeds. Before chocolate as we know it is made, the nibs are crushed and pulverized, extracting the oozing white fat known as cocoa butter.

Palet d’Or:Pillow of gold. A chocolate square or disk. Usually a hard shell or coverture of dark chocolate surrounding an interior of soft, buttery chocolate or coffee ganache.

Vanilla: An impoverished flavor for which we should all feel sympathy.

White Chocolate: A poor excuse for chocolate. Hardly deserving the name. It is made with very little cacao or none at all. Basically cocoa butter and sugar. Bears unfortunate similarity in color to vanilla.

THE SUPERTASTER TASTE BUD TEST

Are pomelos and grapefruits as different to you as apples and oranges? Do you insist on eating sushi when everybody else is having a tuna fish sandwich? Can you distinguish between bubblegum brands without looking at their labels?

If the answer to those questions is YES, you may be a supertaster. Try this test to find out:

What you’ll need:

‧ Dark grape juice or red punch or green candy or other non-poisonous material with which to color your tongue (as much as I enjoy chewing pens, I must warn you that ink tastes terrible)

?

‧ Notebook paper or some other piece of paper you have punched a hole through

?

‧ Magnifying glass

?

Color the tip of your tongue according to your preferred method. Place hole over tongue. Using a magnifying glass, count the pink, uncolored dots inside the hole. (You can do this in front of a mirror, but it’s easier and more fun with a friend.) These dots are fungiform pupillae—the little bumps on your tongue that hold your taste buds. The more pupillae you have, the more taste buds. Most people have about fifteen pupillae in that amount of space. Supertasters have thirty or more.

DARK CHOCOLATE TASTING

As you know, I like my chocolate dark—like my socks. But even if you’re one of those milquetoasty types who pre-fers milk chocolate, you may benefit from a dark chocolate tasting—that is, a chocolate tasting in the dark. Also known as a blind tasting.

There are of course two ways to conduct a blind tasting: with blindfolds or by switching off the lights. I will let you choose between the two, but bear in mind it’s easier to cheat with a blindfold (which may or may not be a recommendation).

You may include as many varieties of chocolate as you like, but five or six is probably best. Before donning your blindfolds (or turning out the lights), arrange squares of chocolate in front of each taster. I suggest going from lightest (white chocolate, if you insist) to darkest (the chocolate with the highest percentage of cacao). What is most important is that the chocolate be arranged in the same order in front of all participants—so that when somebody says he likes “chocolate number three,” everybody else knows which chocolate he’s talking about.

Here are the things to “look for” when you’re conducting a dark chocolate tasting:

Sound

Does the chocolate snap when you break it? Or is the chocolate soft and mushy? Usually, dark chocolate is drier than milk chocolate, which makes dark chocolate snappier.

Scent

Most of what we think of as taste is scent. So before biting into your chocolate, take a whiff. What do you smell other than simply chocolate? Any fruits or spices? Maybe a dirty smell or even a bad smell?

Taste

When you take your first bite, pinch your nose. This way you’ll be certain that what you’re tasting you’re actually tasting and not smelling. Remember, by itself the tongue can only detect five flavors: salt, sweet, sour, bitter, and umami (savoriness).

Texture

Finally, release your nose and let the chocolate melt across your tongue. What does it feel like? It should be smooth but not waxy. Hard but not grainy.

As the chocolate melts, different flavors are released. What does it taste like at first? What tastes linger afterward? Where do you taste the chocolate on your tongue?

SELECTED RECIPES FROM…

PB’S SECRET CHOCOLATE COOKBOOK

Remember, anyone can be a master chef. All it takes is the right ingredient—chocolate!

PB’s All-Time Favorite Chocolate Recipe

‧ 1 bar of chocolate (preferably dark)

‧ 1 hand

‧ 1 mouth

Grasp bar in hand. Stick in mouth. Oh wait—REMOVE WRAPPER. Then stick in mouth. Now eat. Repeat.

NOTE: SPEED IS OF THE ESSENCE IN THIS RECIPE. OTHERWISE, SOMEBODY MAY SEE YOU AND YOU MAY BE FORCED TO SHARE.

Zuper-Rapide Mousse au Chocolat

(Super-Fast Chocolate Mousse)

‧ 1 cup of cream

‧ 1 bar of chocolate

‧ 1 beret

‧ French accent

Whip cream with blender until it makes little mountain peaks. Melt chocolate in small saucepan. (The best way to do this is to put the saucepan inside a larger pot filled with warm water.) * Then stir chocolate into whipped cream. Lick fingers. Tip beret. Say voila. Serve.

Caca Boy’s Aztec Hot Chocolate

The Aztecs drank chocolate in all sorts of ways, with all sorts of flavorings, but usually they preferred their chocolate hot and spicy.

‧ Hot cocoa mix

‧ Hot water (or milk)

‧ Cinnamon

‧ Chili powder

Follow directions on the hot cocoa package. Then add cinnamon. And, if you’re brave, a pinch of chili powder.

TIP: WHEN PREPARING THIS DRINK FOR THERS, DON’T TELL THEM ABOUT THE CHILI. SEE HOW THEY REACT.

Triple Chocolate Hot Fudge Sundae

Just like a normal hot fudge sundae, but in place of vanilla ice cream, try chocolate ice cream. And in place of whipped cream, use chocolate mousse (see recipe above). The hot fudge part stays the same, naturally. Unless you want to triple the usual of amount of fudge, in which case you have a Triple Triple Chocolate Hot Fudge Sundae.

Chocolate Fondue

The only thing better than cheese fondue.

‧ Chocolate for melting

‧ Things for dipping (i.e., bananas, strawberries, orange sections, cookies, marshmallows, fingers)

Melt chocolate in bain-marie or fondue pot. Dip selected items. Eat until you feel sick.

Indoor S’mores

A proper s’more is made beside a campfire and consists of one roasted marshmallow and two broken pieces of chocolate sandwiched between graham cracker squares. Ideally, the marshmallow is golden brown not burned (although the charred marshmallow has its supporters!) and hot enough to melt the chocolate. If you’re anything like me, you spend much of your life impatiently waiting for your next s’more. But let’s face it. For most of us, campfires are few and far between. After much reflection, I think I have found a solution—something to tide us over until the next campfire:

Stick a marshmallow onto a skewer or fondue fork. Dip the marshmallow in chocolate fondue. Then place it between two squares of graham cracker. Behold the Indoor S’more!

Important: you must tell or listen to a ghost story while eating. Otherwise, your Indoor S’more is no more a s’more than I am.

Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies

Chocolate chip cookies are almost perfect. This is how you correct their one minor flaw.

‧ 1 chocolate chip cookie recipe (see back of chocolate chip package)

‧ ? cup (or a little more) cocoa powder

‧ extra dough for eating uncooked

Follow the instructions in your chocolate chip cookie recipe. But before spooning out your cookies, add cocoa powder. Stir.

NOTE: IF YOU FEEL YOUR COOKIES STILL AREN’T CHOCOLATY ENOUGH, YOU MAY ADD BROKEN PIECES OF CHOCOLATE BARS AND / OR M&M’S.

Chocolate Egg Cream

If your grandparents were raised in Brooklyn, they probably wax poetic about the joys of this classic soda fountain concoction.

‧ Seltzer water

‧ Chocolate syrup

‧ Milk

‧ Not a single egg

Like James Bond’s martini, an egg cream should be shaken, not stirred.

PB’s Grilled PB, B, and C

‧ Two slices of bread

‧ Peanut butter

‧ One banana, sliced

‧ One chocolate bar

‧ Butter

‧ Milk (for drinking)

Make a peanut butter, banana, and chocolate sandwich. Butter the outside. Grill in a pan or heat in a panini press. Serve with glass of milk. Inform any nearby adults that they are not allowed to taste your sandwich—it will make them fat.

?

MAX-ERNEST’S ONE HUNDRED HELLOS

AfrikaansHallo

AlbanianAllo

AlsatianBuschur

ApacheDad’atay

ArabicSalaam

AssyrianShlomo

BalineseOm swastyastu

BasqueKaixo

BelorussianPryvitani

BengaliNomoskaar

BlackfootOki

BulgarianZdravei

BurmeseMingala ba

CantoneseNeih hou

CatalanHola

ChaldeanShlama illakh

ChechenMarsha voghiila

CherokeeO-si-yo

CheyenneHaaahe

CreoleBonjou

CroatianZdravo

CzechDobry den

DanishGoddag

DutchHoi

EdoKoyo

Egyptian (ancient)Iiti em hotep

EsperantoSaluton

FarsiSalaam

FijianBula

FinnishHei

FrenchBonjour

GaMingabu

Gaeilge (Irish)Haileo

Gaelic (Scottish)Halo

GeorgianGamardjoba

GermanGuten tag

GreekYiassou

HawaiianAloha

HebrewShalom

HindiNamaste

HuicholKe aku

HungarianJo napot

IcelandicGoean daginn

IndonesianSelamat siang

InuktitutAsujutilli

ItalianCiao

JapaneseKonnichi wa

KoreanAnnyong haseyo

KurdiRozhbash

LadinoShalom

LatinAve

LatvianSveiki

LithuanianLabas

LugandaKi kati

LuxembourgishMoien

MaasaiSupa

MacedonianZdravo

MalteseBonju

ManchuEi

MandarinNi hao

MaoriKia ora

MixeZa jiatzy

NahuatlNiltze

NavajoYa’at’eeh

NepaliNamaste

NimoNena wenao

NorwegianGoddag

PolishDzie’n dobry

PortugueseOla

Punjabi (Sikh)Sat siri akal

Punjabi (Muslim)Asslaam alaikam

Punjabi (Hindu)Namaste

RomaniYov sasti

RussianZdravstvuite

SamoanTalofa

SanskritNamo namah

SlovakAhoj

Slovenian?ivijo

SomaliMaalin wanagsan

SpanishHola

SwedishHej

TagalogKamusta

TajikSalam

ThaiSawatdee khrab

TonganMalo e lelei

TurkishMerhaba

UkrainianPryvit

UrduAssalam-o-Alekum

VietnameseChao

WalloonBondjou

WelshDydd da

XhosaMolo

Xucuru-CaririAkakaume

YiddishSholem aleykhem

YorubaE ku aaro

YucatecoKi’ki’t’aantabah

ZapotecPa diuxi

ZuluSawubona

ZuniKeshi