THIS Is Me... (27 page)

CHAPTER 30

AUGUST

  I've been in my apartment for nearly 7 weeks now and living on my own is okay.  I'm actually surprised by
how
okay I feel about it generally.  I thought I'd be all scared or nervous but strangely I’m okay.  Of course I have moments of loneliness, but when it’s real bad for me I read a book, or call Kayla, or shop online.  Usually, I can distract myself into being less lonely, at least for a while.
  One thing I really hate though is my actual apartment.  It's just so ugly and lifeless.  The walls are all beige and the kitchen tiles are beige.  The carpets in the 2 bedrooms are beige.  Everything is just so bland and neutral, which does NOT help my mindset right now.
  I need something, well, some
one
to help
because this apartment where I spent 95% of my time just isn't doing it for me.  So since I can't paint right now in my ‘condition’, I'm going shopping today with Kayla and Mack to spruce up the place.
  Waiting, I haven't seen Kayla in 2 weeks, but she and I still talk every day, and I see Mack every day for breakfast and sometimes for dinner, as well.
  I feel bad for Mack most days because he's completely suspended in Chicago because of me.  And I feel really bad for Kayla who is left alone in New York because Mack feels like he needs to be here for me.  But I tried.  I honestly tried to convince him to go back, and I tried to convince her to make him return to her, but neither was on board. 
  Mack said he would move back when things had settled, meaning
I
was settled, probably after the birth.  And Kayla said she enjoys not seeing Mack every day because it makes their long distance relationship sex OFF THE CHARTS, which was
way
too much information for me, but she just laughed at my blush.
  And so Mack is suspended, Kayla is horny, and I want to not be secretly happy that Mack hasn't left me yet, but I am.  I look forward to seeing Mack in the mornings after my long sad nights, and I look forward to his spontaneous Mack and Suzanne movie nights, or card nights, or the shopping excursions we have from time to time which torture him.

  And yes, I told Mack and Kayla what happened during my solo shopping trip.  And amazingly, both were supportive and very, very kind to me.  Neither yelled at me nor seemed to think badly of me.  They each told me separately that I’ve done so well, but things are bound to ‘set me off’ from time to time which is both expected and ‘normal’. 

  Mack gently lectured me about the importance of taking my medication always, which I understood totally.  And Kayla said she wished she could have seen me because just the visual of me waving around huge underwear and wearing my gigantic bra over my clothes in the middle of a mall would have been hilarious to watch.  And after I burst out laughing, I cried a little because of their understanding and kindness.  God, I love them.
  When Kayla suddenly walks right into my apartment, I'm stunned but laugh.  She's just such a beast, and she doesn't even realize or maybe care that most people would knock before entering.  She is Kayla, and she probably would find it weird if I didn't walk right into her place when visiting.  She's just like that.  At this point I think 30 different people have a key to her apartment, 'just in case' as she says.  Regardless, she’s a wrecking ball, but so sweet and kind to me, I couldn't love her more if I tried.
  Waiting for it...
  “Jesus!  You're getting big.”  And there it is.
  “I know.  I'm going to be huge, I think.”
  “Yup.  But your boobs like great,” she grins.  Ugh!  Instantly looking at Mack I blush as she bursts out laughing at me.  She is such a shit.
  “Thanks, Kayla,” I groan.
  “Anyway, I know what you mean.  This place is just so friggin' boring.  I’ve hated sitting in here with you when I visit, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  Why did you buy everything the same?  Why is everything so pale?”  She questions while looking around my ugly apartment.
  “Um, I didn't know what colors were safe,” I whisper.  “I mean, I know red is out, but I didn't want to be too dramatic in case something bad happened,” I confess pathetically.
  “Oh, come here...” she says walking toward me.
  When she wraps me up in a huge hug I feel better instantly.  She just has that thing about her.  She is tough and strong and very sarcastic and kick your ass awesome, but she's also the most gentle, sympathetic people I've ever known.  She's the perfect best friend for someone like me.
  Whispering in my ear, she says, “You're okay with color, Suzanne.  It's just red that's a problem, and we can make this living room better without any red.  Just breathe and relax, okay? You'll be fine, and I'll shop this place fabulous in minutes.  Are you ready?”
  Releasing my tension I nod, and grab my purse for another shopping marathon with Kayla.
  “But no hideous orange couches or crazy purple chairs.  Understood?” I say sternly.
  “Why not?  You love my purple chair.”  And I totally do. 
  “I know but that's at your place, and it's the 'Suzanne purple chair' at YOUR place, but I don't want that in my apartment... It's just too weird.”
  Grinning, Mack nods his agreement behind Kayla's back making me laugh, until she gives me her funny death glare.  Ooops. 
 

                                                  *****

  Four and a half hours later we're done and back in my apartment, and we did well, too.  A few things Kayla picked out were completely insane, but otherwise she picked furniture, and pictures, and vases, and knick-knacks that were colored but not over the top. 
  God, I had so much fun with them.  Mack and I were strangely the reasonably sane to Kayla's crazy
what the fuck?
moments
. 
She even accused me and Mack of ganging up on her and being too boring for our own good.  She teased and taunted poor Mack the whole time, and I could see he absolutely adored it.
  And during our shopping trip I realized I was never sad or jealous watching them together.  Okay, I was
a little
sad and jealous, but overall I just enjoyed watching them together.  There was so much humor and laughter, and little reassuring touches between them that I watched with a sense of awe.
  Kayla is just so
Kayla
and Mack loves her for it- you can see it all over his face.  And honestly, though I of course thought of all I don’t have, I was happier watching what they do have.  They are just lovely together.
  Today was about my apartment, but it wasn't about me, per se.  It was just three friends shopping, having fun, laughing and living easily.  I never once freaked out or needed a moment, and I never once lost my breath.  I didn't focus on the few stares I received.  And I ignored one woman who blatantly stared at me- The hugely prego, limpy, scarred chick.  I was good, and it was one of the best days of my life, which is actually kind of sad, but the truth nonetheless.
  When we open my door, Mack dramatically stumbles to the dining room table and proceeds to dump all the bags he had to carry for me.  Kayla follows his lead, and I bring up the rear with my 3 bags.  Suddenly the table seems filled with bags, and I'm excited to rip them all open.
  “I'm going to call in dinner for us.  Chinese?”  Mack asks.
  “God, yes!” Kayla yells as I nod as well.  “And get double for Suzanne!”  What?!  Ha!
  And as soon as Mack leaves for the spare room, we start.  Blasting music from my iPad stereo, Kayla looks like she's on a total mission.  Pulling and unwrapping and opening bags while shaking her ass to the music, within minutes there's stuff everywhere and it's just so much fun. 
  Kayla starts running around my apartment at once.  I don't even know what she's placing where, but she just keeps coming back and forth to the table taking more and more stuff with her when she leaves.  Actually, I can barely keep up with all the unwrapping.
  Exhaling when I've opened the last bag, I look around and already my place seems a million times better.  Even without the new love seat and chair she made me buy, everything looks great.  Knowing the furniture is to be dropped off sometime before 7:00 tonight I'm suddenly super excited to see them arrive. 
  “I love it already Kayla.  You are so good at this, even with the color block you had to gently navigate around,” I smirk.
  “It really is weird how much stuff has red in it, isn't it?  I never noticed that before, but we managed.”
  “We did.  Thank you for helping me,” I say as Mack walks past us for the kitchen.
  “I'm a New Yawker.  I'll use any excuse to shop, and spending a fortune with someone else's money is really fun, though I'll admit I feel a certain possessiveness now about your apartment.  You'll have to give me a key so I feel like its mine too, okay?”
  “Sure!”
  And for some reason Kayla's demand for a key makes me even happier.  Really, it does.  I love that she wants to have a key because it means we're as close as I hope to be with her.  Giving her a key to my first apartment is special to me.
  “No tears, Suzanne,” she whispers.
  Shaking my head, I smile.  “They're good ones.  Thank you for wanting a key to my apartment.”
  “No problem.  I figure since we're sharing my boyfriend, why not your apartment too.” 
WHAT?!
  Bursting out laughing, I hug my beautiful, tall, super sexy best friend and just feel happy.  Today has been a really good day.  This has been the happiest day I've had since I woke up.  This is such a simple day, but I know it’s a day I'll remember forever.
  When dinner is over and the kitchen is clean, I feel absolutely exhausted.  The movers brought my new furniture when we were eating, and finally plopping my huge ass in my new chair feels great.  It’s such a cool, velvety eggplant color, I love it. 
  It's kind of black for me, and kind of purple for Kayla.  And judging by the look she gave me when I got to the chair first, I think she and I are going to fight over this chair whenever she visits.
  “Do you mind if I spend the night here?  I'm too tired to go back to Mack's.”
  “No!  I don't mind... That's great.  Mack?”
  “Nah, I'll leave you two alone.  I have a feeling you or me or both of us will be blushing before long with her.  So I'll leave her to you, Suzanne.”
 Walking to Kayla on the couch Mack leans down and places a soft kiss on her lips.  Watching, I'm mesmerized by the sweetness between them.
  After the kiss, Kayla grins and asks, “Please sir, may I have another?” Just like Oliver Twist did, though she absolutely
slaughtered
the English accent. 
  When Mack leans back down, I can't stop staring at them.  When I see him smile at her so beautifully, I'm just stunned by them.  They are so easy with each other.  They're so good with each other, and again, though somewhat jealous, I'm not overcome with it- I'm amazed by it because their love is so beautiful to me.
  Walking to me, Mack leans in and kisses my forehead like he always does.  Looking back at Kayla, she fakes a snarl at me and I laugh again with a cheeky 'He kissed me!  He kissed me!' smirk of my own when Mack turns his back.
  “Good night ladies.  I'll see you in the morning.  And behave,” Mack threatens us.
  “As if...” is all Kayla says under her breath as Mack turns to leave.
  Once he's left us, I realize how tired I really am.  Being almost 7 months pregnant, power-shopping, and eating way too much Chinese food has worn me out.
  “Suzanne, why don't you go to bed?  It's already 10:00, and I'm just going to watch a little TV before crashing myself.”
  “But this isn't a very good sleepover.  We haven't trashed anyone, got drunk, or even did our nails and make-up yet,” I grin.
  “In the morning we're doing all that.  No worries.  Go to sleep, Suzanne.  You look like shit.”
  “Jesus!  You're brutal you know that?”
  “I know, but I'm kind of funny.”
  “Uh huh.  Kind of... Good night, Kayla,” I yawn before making my way to my room.

  Getting into bed five minutes later, I'm still happy.  I'm totally, completely happy, smiling alone in my room.  There is no upset, and there are no memories surfacing to torture me.  I just had a good day from start to finish with my friends, and I'm happy.
  Closing my eyes, I think of my new Kayla/Suzanne eggplant chair and I grin.  Kayla wouldn't dare push a pregnant woman from the chair, would she?  Huh.  She might.
 

                                             *****

  “Suzanne, wake up.  Suzanne, it's Kayla,” she says at my side.
  “What's wrong?” I rasp in my half sleep.
  “You're crying and moaning, and-” Really?
  “Oh... sorry.”
  Feeling my face, I'm wet and snotty, and obviously crying my eyes out all over my pillow.  Gross.  Watching Kayla walk into my bathroom I know she's in full nurse mode, which I don't want.
  “Kayla!  I'm fine.  I'll do it,” but she's back with a washcloth before I even sit up.
  Handing the cloth to me she asks, 'may I?' as she crawls into my bed.  Lying down on the pillows beside me, she lies on her side and stares at me until I mirror her exact position.
  “What was it about?  Which bad part?”  Um...
 

  Looking at her, and breathing heavily through the leftover upset, and knowing I can trust her, knowing I can tell her anything, I just spill it.
  “I miss him so much,” I exhale on a rush.
  “And...?”
  “That's it.  I just miss everything about him.  I love him and I miss him.”
  “And...?” She grins at my annoyed face.
  “Okay, fine.  Z and I have had one week of hell until I went away.  One day of hell that made me send him away, and one night that was the most amazing night of my life until I went away again.  That’s it.  One bad week, one horrible day, and one amazing night.  But I love him and I miss him so much I can't stand this pain all the time.  And I think I'm stupid for having feelings like this for a man that I've only really, if you take out the bad stuff, um... I've really only had one good night with him when I got better, but I'm in love with him, and I miss him so much I cry in my sleep because I hold it in all day.”
  After I confess, I just stop and wait, but
she’s
waiting too.  Dammit.
  “Do you think it's weird, or unrealistic for me to think I'm in love with a man I've had one amazing night with after I got better 7 months ago?  Be honest.”
  “When am I not?” She asks seriously.  True.  She's brutal sometimes.  “Honesty, right?”
  Oh god, I don't think this'll go well for me, but I nod 'yes' anyway.
  “I knew with Mack.  The millisecond I saw him at the hospital, I knew.  He wasn't flashy, or smarmy or like an obnoxious,
I'M the Doctor
-Doctor.  And when I heard him speak to a patient so kindly, I knew I was going to love him.  I knew it, but I did nothing about it because I was actually afraid to.”
  “Really?”  Wow.
  “Yes, Suzanne.  I was afraid to approach him, and Mack was too professional to approach me.  So I just waited and watched and liked him from afar, until you pushed me down his throat and worked your magic on us.  But I always knew I was going to love him one day.  I think that's probably why I'm so amazing to you...” Smirk “... And why I put up with so much shit from you, and why I love you so much in spite of what an insecure, neurotic, crazy, pain in the ass you can be.”  What?!  But then she smiles, and I know she's teasing me.
  “Anyway, I knew with Mack the moment I met him, so why can't you love Z even though you've really had no time together?  Z is smart, and kind, and selfless, and gorgeous, and
totally
not a typical rich New York kind of guy.  And despite everything you've both been through, he loves you.  I can see it. 
Everyone
sees it.  And he has made no secret of his feelings for you.  Apparently, he and Marty even had a slightly heated argument over you once.” Flinching, Kayla takes my hand.
  “It's fine. 
They're
fine.  Marty just didn't get it, and he hated seeing Z in Chicago waiting on this girl in a coma, then waiting for the girl to know him, then waiting while the girl broke his heart over the baby...” Flinch again.  Shit.  I hate honesty.
  “Anyway, Z apparently told Marty how he felt about you.  He told Marty
everything
he felt for you.  And finally Marty listened and understood and they're fine now, I swear.  Marty is 37 and single, and actually perfect for Kayla, but that's another story...” Really?  I never thought of that, but maybe?
  “So you love a man who has shown you absolute devotion no matter what happens, and no matter what you put him through.  So what's not to love?  Why wouldn't you miss him?  Z is tied with Mack in the unbelievably amazing male department as far as I'm concerned.  I love him dearly, and I wish for some peace for him, just like I wish for some happiness and peace for you.”
  Looking at her eyes, Kayla seems so devastated by this situation, which makes me feel more guilty and awful and just so sad for Z.
  “I wish I could change, I really do.  But I can't.  And I don't want to fake it, and there's nothing I can do to change the way I feel about this pregnancy, and... Yes, I love him and I miss him but I can't be and do want he wants and needs.  So I can't be with him like that.”
  “I agree.  And that's why I haven't ever given you shit for all this pain you're causing Z and yourself.  For once, though it kills me to see you both hurt this badly, I absolutely agree with you.  I don't think you should be together based on faking feelings or because you pretend to be happy in a situation you’re truly not happy with.” 
  “Really?” I ask stunned.
  “Yes.  Mack wants you to be with Z.  And obviously Z wants you to want him and this baby.  But you don't want that, so I support you doing this the best way you can.  Look, I don't know why you feel so negatively about this baby and I have no idea why you think you can't be a mother, but I also haven't suffered like you have so I'll probably never understand the psychological reasons behind you feeling the way you do.”