THIS Is Me... (23 page)

  Alone, I exhale completely.  The tension I felt all night is quickly vanishing, being replaced with calm and hope.  If I have to do this for Z, I'm happy I have Mack to help me.  I need him. 
  And though I know my decisions are ridiculously selfish right now, I can't see any other way.  These selfish decisions are all I have while I get through this newest challenge. 

  Mack is my best friend, and he'll help me and keep me safe as no one else has before.  I know I'll be safe with Mack.

                          CHAPTER 27

JUNE 27

  After moving all my clothes into Mack's apartment from my other apartment, days after Marcus moved them into
that
apartment, we both exhale.  Flopping on the couch, Mack looks at me like I'm totally insane again.  Laughing, I know exactly what he's going to say.
  Raising my hand I cut him off.  “Don't say it- I already know.  I'm a Clothes Whore, as Kayla calls me.  I’m a certifiably obsessive clothes purchaser with an infinity for black.  I'm freaky and creepy and completely off my meds where shoes and clothes are concerned... Am I close?”
  “Um... close.  How or
when
did you find the time to purchase all those clothes?  Is that like ten years’ worth?”
  “Nope.  More like 4 months’ worth.  I don't know.  When I moved back in with Marcus there was nothing to do but shop out of boredom.  You should see my iPad and Kindle.  I one-clicked my index finger raw.”
  “Okay, I don't have a clue what that means, Suzanne, but please explain.  You are seriously twisted with the clothing, but I would venture a guess that shopping fills a need, or rather a
void
in your life-” Ugh...
  “Okay Mack, since we're roommates AND you're no longer my official doctor, how about we make a rule.  I think unless I'm blatantly going off the deep end, we make a rule that while I live here with you as
roommates
you're not allowed to ‘shrink’ me, at all, ever.  Unless of course I've gone nuts.  Then please feel free to shrink me.  Is that a good rule?”
  Looking at me, and probably pondering my rule, Mack nods finally.
  “Okay, I'll try.  No
shrinking
while roommates, unless of course you start going insane, then I definitely step in.  It's going to be hard for me to stay undoctorly with you though, but I'll make a serious effort to try.  Good?”
  “Thank you.  Okay, so all my clothes are in my new bedroom-”
  “From floor to ceiling-”
  “And I'm starving.  Do you mind if I make us dinner?  It's been forever since I cooked.”
  “Not at all.  Make yourself at home, but please don't feel as though you need to cook for me.  I'm actually quite a good cook.  Marty taught me a few tricks and tips over the years.”
  “Good to know.  I'm sure I'll remember how much I hate cooking five minutes after I start, but tonight I actually feel like cooking.” Weird.
  Walking to the kitchen, Mack watches me closely,
analyzing
me I'm sure.  I know it's going to be next to impossible for him to not get into my head every chance he gets because, well, that's all he's done for over a year now.  I know he'll try, but I'm sure he'll eventually give me the 'talk to me' face I've become more than accustomed to.
  Looking back into the living room, I see he's left the couch.  Maybe Mack needed a minute himself to settle into this new arrangement.  I doubt he's having second thoughts or even regretting his decision, but I'm sure it's still going to be strange for him having someone here all the time.  As it was, he only saw Kayla on weekends, usually every, or every second week-end for 2 days, so I'm sure there's some adjustments needed.
  When the chicken breasts are in the oven, I make a delicious cauliflower/broccoli salad and mix it with a sweet poppy seed dressing- my favorite.  I'm so glad we grabbed groceries after leaving the hospital.  Mack insisted that his kitchen was so bare the grocery store was mandatory, but I think he was testing me to see how I handled my first public appearance out of the hospital as 'Suzanne the Scarred'.   

  In the store I tended to have my head lowered, but I did remarkably well I think for my first time.  I didn't cry or freak out, and though I saw people stare at me a little, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
  I could usually look away from eye contact before I saw their faces transform into questions, or repulsion, or sadness regarding my face and limp.  Usually, I ignored them and pretended no one even looked my way, which is what I've always preferred anyway.
 
  After reading on my kindle, the chicken is done, but Mack still hasn't come out of his room.  Walking down the hall, I hear him mumbling in his bedroom.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Shit.  I know it’s wrong and an invasion of privacy and just WRONG but I can't help it. 
  Inching up to his door, I lean against it and listen to his words.
  “
Stop it Kayla... Not true...never... Would you just stop yelling, and listen to me for a minute!  No, I won't... Are you seriously asking me that?... Yes, one time.  One.  When she was desperate and freaked out.  ONCE!... Stop... Would you listen to yourself... Yes I've heard you for the last half hour and I'm exhausted with this back and forth... Yes, I said exhausted... I CAN'T!  Jesus Christ, she was desperate and scared, and so sad I couldn't say no... NO, I couldn't!  ENOUGH!  Yes, I'm deciding this is enough... Grow up, Kayla!... Clever...  Goodbye Kayla.
”  Slam.
  Holy SHIT!  They're fighting because of me.  Dammit!  Running for the kitchen, I call out Mack's name so he thinks I've been there all along.  Grabbing for the pot holders, my hands are shaking, my breathing is fast, and my heart is pounding.  Shit!  He's gonna know something's up with me.  He can always tell.  God
Dammit.
  Walking into the kitchen, Mack has a beautiful- but totally fake- smile on his face. 
  “Smells good.  Thank you, I'm starving,” he says with way too much enthusiasm.
  When the phone suddenly rings, I jump and dip the left half of the pan of chicken.  Catching it tightly again, my arm feels so weak from the shaking, I barely notice I'm stuck in the middle of the floor as the phone rings again.  I just can't seem to move.
  When the phone continues, Mack smiles and ignores it as the machine picks up.  Hearing Kayla's voice from the living room, I freeze.
  “
Pick up the phone, Mack!  Pick it UP!  You don't decide when I'm done talking.  I do!  And I'm not done fucking talking to you.  Pick. It. UP!
”  She yells.
  Stuck in place, Mack takes my arms and leads me to the table.  Helping me place the hot dish on the extra placemat, he seems to be studiously ignoring me.
  “Ignore the message, Suzanne.  Kayla and I are having a little argument, that's all.”
  “Sorry...” is all I mumble. 
  Mack doesn't know that I'm sorry me being here has caused his 'little argument', and Mack doesn't know I'm sorry that I selfishly asked him for this.  Mack doesn't know I'm sorry that anything to do with me causes him any distress or upset of any kind.  And that's what I'm sorry for.  I'm sorry for anything involving
me
causing him anything bad.  Dammit.

  Dinner continues as Mack and I make small talk.  There's nothing we can really talk about that seems safe now.  I feel the very dark cloud over my first meal here.  I feel the upset in the air.  I hate that Mack is unhappy, especially over something
Suzanne
.
  “I'm moving out in the morning,” I suddenly state.
  “No, you're not,” he replies without looking at me.
  “Actually, I am.  It's good though.  I really should learn how to do all this on my own anyway.  Its fine, Mack.  And I'm serious.”
  “Suzanne, that's not necessary.  Kayla and my argument has nothing to do with you,” he says, lying right to my face.
  “Regardless, I'm moving out in the morning.  I'm just a little tired tonight so I hope you don't mind me crashing-”
  “Suzanne, seriously, it’s fine.”
  “I know it is.  But I actually want this.  I decided when I was cooking that I want to live alone.  It's good.  Honestly.  And I've already decided.  I'm just going to go turn in and then I'm leaving in the morning.  But thanks Mack for having me,” I smile my best smile for him.
  “You're not leaving in the morning.  I want you to stay and I'm not going to let you leave.”
  Smirking, “Well, unless you plan to lock me in, I AM leaving.  I'm fine Mack, I promise.  I just really want to move out, no offense.  It's not you, I swear.  But I feel a desperate need to do this on my own now.  Um, good night Mack, and thanks,” I say while quickly rising from the table.
  Practically running for my room, I hear him call out my name, but ignore him and close my door quickly.
  Well, this just sucks.  I'm not ready to be alone and I don't want to BE alone.  But what choice do I have?  I can't screw up Mack and Kayla.  I WON'T screw up Mack and Kayla.
  When he knocks on my door, I open it with my best smile again. 

“Mack, I'm super tired and I really need to sleep now, okay?  Nothing's wrong, I just don't want I live here, that's all.  Please let me go to sleep.  I've had a really long day.”
  Exhaling a hard breath, Mack tugs his hair, which totally reminds me of Z.  Oh!  Not now.  Not Z,
please...
  “Okay.  We'll talk in the morning.  Good night, Suzanne.  And you're not leaving.”
  “Good night, Mack.  And thanks for everything, always,” I whisper. 
  Pausing, Mack stares at me like he knows what I'm going to do, until I gently begin closing the door on him with a parting smile.
 

  This is good.  This will be fine.  I'll be fine once I get out of here.  And Mack and Kayla will be fine
when
I'm out of here.  This is good.  I can do this.
  Its 8:30, so I figure in 2 and a half hours or so, he'll probably go to bed, and then I'll leave.  I really don't want all the drama in the morning, so I'll leave while he sleeps.  I'm tired of drama all the time, so I'm going to make this move in-move out within 9 hours as anti-climactic as possible.  I'll even write a quick note for him.
  Grabbing my tote and finding my little black notebook I rip out a page and say my goodbye.

    
Mack,
    Thanks for letting me stay here, I really appreciate the kind gesture.  I promise this has nothing to do with you.  This is ALL me.  I just want to live alone for the first time in my life.  I think it's time now.

I'll talk to you soon.

I love you, forever.

Suzanne xo
  Waiting... at midnight I finally hear nothing.  Jesus, it took forever for nothing to arrive, but finally it's here and I can slip out. 

  Collecting my purse and the keys to the apartment I rented, I quietly make my way to the front door.  Leaving the note on the coffee table, I walk out of Mack's apartment, happy.
  I'm doing my first unselfish thing in forever, and it feels good.  I'm not even scared of my new apartment.  I'm just happy I finally did something right for Mack.  It's about friggin' time I did something good for him.  Especially since he has done so much for me time and time again.  This is a good thing for Mack and his Kayla, and maybe even for me, eventually.
 

                                                  *****

  Waking to a chaos of sound, I know I've been found.  Between Mack pounding on my front door, and my cell phone ringing nonstop, my new neighbors are going to absolutely hate me.
 

  Throwing open the door, I yell, “I'm completely okay, Mack.  So just stop.”
  Stunned, Mack doesn't even know what to say.  Looking at me like he's lost his mind, I take his hand while leading him into my place, park his ass on the couch, and sit on the coffee table in front of him.
  “Suzanne-”
  “Nope.  You're not my Shrink anymore and I'm absolutely fine.  I wanted to leave not just for you and Kayla, if that's what you think, but once I thought about it, I realized I HAD to leave your apartment for me as well.  I didn't want to make you my
platonic
substitute for Z, who I can't be with.  And I think we both know, and I'm sure Kayla is well aware that that’s exactly what I was doing. 
Unintentionally,
of course.  I thought I wanted to live with you as best friends and roommates, which I did.  But I also wanted you to fill the loneliness up because Z can't...
  “... So because you are so loving, and kind, and just the most amazing man EVER you gave into me.  Again.  And quite frankly, for someone who said they were going to start calling me on my shit, you've done a pretty lousy job of it.  You CAN say no to me, Mack.  You
should
say no to me sometimes.  Otherwise, I might start using you unintentionally.  I might use you or take advantage of your Mackness, and I NEVER want to do that to you.  I love you way too much to be a user or a jerk to you, even if it is unintentional.”
  When he sits forward to speak, I raise my hand in the classic Mack/Suzanne 'zip it' way and he sits back without saying a word.  Good.
  “So here's where I'm at.  I came back here around 1:00am, and though it was dark and I'm not used to this place at all, I handled it.  I slept on the couch right here
for now
but I'm sure I'll make it to my room in a few days.  I took my meds and I actually fell asleep right away.  There were no tears and I didn't freak out over this living arrangement.  I'm not actually happy of course, but I AM okay.  Okay?” 

  Nodding, and sitting toward me again Mack pulls me toward the edge of the table, between his spread thighs and hugs me so tightly, I can barely breathe.  Exhaling into my hair, I feel him relax fully. 
  This is good.  This is another new start.  I think Mack may even be proud of me for this huge step which I did all on my own.
  Pulling away, I kiss him gently on the lips.  Nothing dirty and nothing too dramatic, but just a nice little kiss between best friends.
  “You are such a doll, Suzanne.”
  “I know.  I try...” I giggle.
  Smiling back he asks, “So what do you want to do now?  What's the plan?”
  “I'm going to go pee because I'm dying here, and then I'm going to call
your
Kayla back and explain my plans, which both do and DO NOT include you.  And then I'd like to go for breakfast with you.  After that, I was wondering if you could help me go grocery shopping again but for my place this time.  And then we need to pack up and bring back all my clothes again,” I smirk at his groan.
  “Other than the clothing situation, that sounds like an excellent plan.”
  “Good.” 
  Standing and walking toward my ugly new bedroom I hear him call my name.  Looking back at him, he’s still sitting forward with his hands on his knees looking like he's struggling to speak.
  “I was scared to death this morning, Suzanne.  I didn’t know what I'd find here,” he whispers.
  “Don't be.  'Life-long contract', remember?  Whether I like it or not, I can't break my promise to you, and I never will.  Plus, I'm stronger than that now.  I have to be.”
  And with a dramatic flip of my hair, I turn my back on Mack and his laughter as I shut my bedroom door behind me.