THIS Is Me... (36 page)

  Obviously, there have been moments of sadness, but the sadness didn't consume me as it did before.  I've been truly happy, which is just so weird for me to experience for such an extended period of time.  But I love my new happiness and I’m trying really hard to live with the happiness instead of fighting it out of fear.
  Z and I seem to just live each day, together.  We do
everything
together, and I know he's happy where we are too. 

  Not only does he tell me often of his happiness, but he shows me with sweet little notes, or private smiles between us when we're entertaining Mack and/or the Kaylas.  And he held me tightly for hours when his other best friend Marty visited from New York at Christmas.

  We even went to Mack and Kaylas for their huge New Year’s Eve bash, and we kissed in the New Year together, beautifully.
  We are together, and we're finally making our way slowly but steadily through the haze that was our first year and a half together.
  Sometimes, it just seems so effortless between us.  Sometimes, it's just so easy to forget all the bad stuff in our background.  Sometimes, just a simple gesture like Z taking my hand and lifting my palm to his lips for a gentle kiss still takes my breath away.  It's like we're survivors in this tragically beautiful little love of ours.
  Z believes because we experienced so much between us at the start, there really are no learning curves, nor stepping stones to navigate around.  Due to our awful past, Z believes there are no big new relationship struggles to overcome, because we've already lived them.  

  I mean really, how much worse could we possibly go through together?  Toothpaste in the sink, or dishes on the counter become inconsequential when compared to the struggles of our past with each other.
  Amazingly, Thomas is here with us, too.  Z visits his grave often, I know.  And I've even been a few times with him, but I still don't
feel
feel him as
my
lost child.  It's sad, but I still remember the terrible loss as only Z's child, which is all I seem able to feel for Thomas.  

  And thankfully, Z doesn't resent my lack of maternal feelings toward Thomas.  But rather he almost understands my lack of feeling given the time for me in which I was pregnant. 
  Z acknowledges there was just too much happening at the time for me to feel for the baby, too.  But he believes had my life not been filled with mental and emotional upheavals; the trials, Marcus' death and the constant upset and shock I endured throughout my pregnancy, I may have been able to relax a little
about
the pregnancy.  He thinks I was unable to embrace the pregnancy because I had to endure so much throughout it. 

  I'm not sure if that's true, and we'll never know for sure, so I let him believe that of me because I wish that was true of me as well.
  Mack seems to think there is a time when the sorrow of the loss will hit me as my own, but I'm not sure of that either.  I feel everything for my friends and for Z now, but Mack and I are unsure if these feelings have slowly come back to me, or if they've essentially
re
grown, after my slight personality change from the coma and from the PTA. 

  So feeling for Thomas may become my loss one day, or Thomas may stay a sympathetic pain for me, that is only lived as Z's pain.  I really don't know what will happen.
  But there is no pressure for another child between us.  Z and I both know I'm not ready, and we both acknowledge I may never
be
ready to have a child, and Z's okay with that.  Z admitted that he himself wasn't sure about ever having children in his future, but once I was pregnant, it was then that he wanted Thomas.  So again, we'll see what the future holds.
  I don't think I'll ever change my opinion on motherhood.  I'm pretty sure I'll always be too afraid to bring a child into this world, though I'll admit I am curious as to what a baby between Z and I would be like. 

  Once, with a smile and a wink, Z told me he is going to love me so
thoroughly,
I'll believe I'm good enough to do anything, motherhood included.  But for now, we're okay with where we are together.

  And because we don’t know what exactly went wrong with Thomas and the pregnancy yet, the thought of another hypothetical child in the future still scares me to death. 

  There are theories, and explanations given, but we’re waiting for one final chromosome test to give us our final answer.  Again, we aren’t sure what happened but Z’s theory helps me through the wait.  Most days I’m convinced there was just too much emotional upheaval for me, and sadly Thomas suffered the most.

  I don’t know why it happened so I really need to know
what
happened.  I think I just need to understand what happened, so I can be one hundred percent sure I didn’t do anything wrong to cause Thomas’ death.  I need to be sure, before I finally let go of my guilt and fear.

  And finally, Z and I decided to move back to New York as soon as possible, so we've been apartment hunting together.  Together, we're going to find a home that suits us.  Together we’re going to find the home that fits us, so we can live this complete new start that is our relationship now.  After all the sadness and loss and missed opportunities we've experienced in our past, we want to find a home that is for just us.

  God, I'm happy, and though admittedly I still get nervous about this happiness, I try to breathe through my fear of it every day.  I talk to Z and I tell him the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful like he asked me to.  I actually talk to him so there are no more surprises, or pieces to pick up after the fact.  We talk to each other and we try to
hear
what is and what isn't being said when we listen.  And I'm happy with this give and take.  I'm very happy here with Z.
 

  So, Z and I are together fully, and we have done everything together... except IT.  And quite frankly I may lose my mind (again) if we don't. 

  We kiss heavily, and we even touch a little, but Christ!  We haven't even come close to sex, and honestly, I'm dying here.

  If I didn't know he loved me, and if I didn't see the huge ‘evidence’ of him wanting me when we snuggle up on the couch or lay together in bed, I may have freaked out by now.  But I
have
seen it and I
do
know it.  So what the hell is the problem? 
  Anyway, tonight is THE night.  This is it.  I'm protected again from pregnancy, and nothing should go wrong, well, in theory anyway.  Tonight we ARE having sex.
  But Z won't approach me for sex, so I have to approach him which is probably his very sweet, albeit, frustrating as hell way of making me tell him what I want and when I'm ready.  How very thoughtful and loving and kind of him.  He's waiting for me to be ready.  He's waiting for me to be sure.  He's so sweet.  The jerk! 

                                CHAPTER 39

  Okay.  I'm post-bath, shaved, smoothed, scented and groomed.  I'm wearing a beautiful silk and lace floor-length gown in black, naturally.  My hair is down and my make-up is light.  I feel pretty, well, pretty with facial scars and a warped leg, but whatever.  Argh...
  Z doesn't seem to care about all my physical imperfections, so I've decided not to care about my physical ugliness tonight either.
  Sitting on my bed waiting for Z, I find myself remembering our past.  I remember how amazing he was to me.  I remember how amazing the sex was between us.  I remember everything he did and said to me, and I yearn for that intimacy between us again. 

  There is no one in this world I could want more, and there is no one in the world who could reach me so intimately and thoroughly as to wipe out my past sexual nightmares, because Z is it for me.

  I know he'll be here any second but the wait is killing me.  I'm not even anxious about this, rather kind of nervously excited.
  I want this.  I want to have sex with Z.  I want to make love with the most amazing man (tied only to Mack) that I've ever known.  I want this between us again because the memories, though lovely, are slowly fading in intensity.  The memories are no longer enough to get me through the physical cravings I have for Z all day, every day. 
  Hurry the hell up!

  When I hear him enter my apartment I'm practically bouncing on my bed.  I even did the cheesy candle thing all over my apartment, leading him to me in my bedroom. 
  What the hell is he doing? 
Crawling? 
Oh my god... It’s been forever since he opened the front door and I can't take the wait anymore.
  “Z?” I call out anxiously.

  When the door slowly opens, I exhale any nervous tension I felt.  God, he's just so handsome and beautiful to me.  It’s still really unnerving at times how handsome he is, but tonight isn't about my insecurity or neurosis.  Tonight is about hot and heavy sex with Z.  Ooops.  Nervous giggle.
 

  “You look gorgeous, Suzanne,” he says somewhat guarded.
  “Thank you,” I grin.
  “Are you sure about this, Suzanne?  I'm in NO rush.” 
  “Well,
I
AM!”  Wow.  What a tramp.  Ha!
  “What do you want?” He seems to breathe into me.
  “You,” I blush.
 Shaking his head he says, “Say the words Suzanne so I know what you want.  I need the words, love, so I know you're with me.”
  “Um, I want to be with you.  I want to have sex with you.”
  “Make love-”
  “Yes, fine, make love.  Z, I want you, okay?  I'm ready, and I'm good.  I'm
really
good.”
  “Last time, Suzanne... Are you sure?” He practically growls.
  “Yesss...” I purr back.
  Jumping, Z crosses the room to me so quickly I barely saw him move.  Bending low and tackling me with a kiss, I'm pulled upwards by my arms until I'm standing in front of him. 

  Kissing me so hard my lips burn, I moan into his mouth.  Jesus Christ!  THIS is what I want.
  “It's about goddamn time, Suzanne.  I’ve been dying to touch you,” he moans into my mouth.
  “Then why didn't you?”
  “You didn't tell me you were ready.  Remember the rule?  You tell me all things us, and until you do I'm not making any assumptions with you.”
  “How could you not see I wanted you?”
  “I did see, but you didn't talk to me about it, so I couldn't proceed.” 
 
  Placing my hands on his chest, I think I have to take the lead with this.  Z still seems a little nervous or tentative with me.  He seems unsure of this with me, so I'm going to have to take the lead.  And I'm good with that until he's sure
I'm
sure.
  Unbuttoning Z's shirt while tugging it from his slacks he stands so still, I'm anxious to undress him quickly.  Unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, I wrap my arms around his waist and push them down to the floor. 
  Bending, I remove his socks when he raises each foot.  Staring at his nearly naked body between us, he is just so dark and beautiful to me.  Our contrast of pale and dark is stunning against one another. 
  When I tug down his boxers, his erection falls from his belly to stand straight out at me.  Yup, it’s still huge.  Gulp.
  “
Well... hello there, Z.
  Miss me?” I ask with a stupid grin.  What a loser I am, honestly.
  Bursting out laughing, Z pulls me in for another kiss.  “I've missed you horribly, Suzanne.  And it's been so long since I did this I'm sure to go off quickly, but at least round two should be a worthwhile performance,” he grins.
  “Really...?”
  “Of course.  You
know
you were my last, Suzanne.  And if you didn't know that, you're a moron.” 

  Yes!  God, I had hoped he hadn't slept with other women after me, but I never knew for sure.
  Grinning, I tease, “Such sexy bedroom talk, Z.  Is calling the girl a moron your usual way of seduction?”
  “Nope.  You get my really sexy lines.  Are they working?”  
  By way of answer, I take him into my hand and begin a slow easy glide back and forth.  When I touch and fondle him like I remember he likes, his sounds against my mouth are exactly what I like to remember. 

  When Z begins reaching for my breasts I push myself even closer to him.  God, I want him to touch me anywhere. Everywhere.  I have NEVER needed him as badly as I do right now.
  “Please...” I beg against his lips.
  Kissing me again, Z's hands start inching up my gown against my thighs.  Lifting the dress, he pulls away from our kiss quickly to undress me. 

  Once I'm naked as well, Z kisses me again so slowly, teasing me with little nips on my lips and the wet glide of his tongue.  But I don't want the slowness of his kiss.  I need more.  So throwing my arms around his neck I pull him closer to me, forcing the harder kiss I crave.
  Moving me backward with a hand against my spine, Z lowers me to the bed while lifting me further into the middle of it.  Following me on his knees, Z moves up my body until he's kissing my lips while settling in between my legs. 
  God, I’ve missed him.  I’ve missed this.  I've missed this thing only Z can give me- sex and love without brutality or fear.
  “If I start to cry, it's not because I'm weirded-out, Z.  It's because I'm happy, okay?”
  “Okay,” he smiles down at me with a nod.  Huh.  Talking isn't so bad.  “What do you want, Suzanne?  Tell me.”  Okay, well
this
talking is bad.  Shit.
    “Um… everything.  All of it.  The things you do with me that make me forget everything but us.  The things you do to me that are everything I need from you.”
  “Okay,” he whispers with a kiss.
  And moving slowly, Z begins touching my breast as he kisses down my neck to the top of my chest.  Moving down my body he finally takes my nipple into his mouth as his hand fondles me.
  Sucking my nipple hard, I jump and moan.  God, this feels good. Turning to my other nipple, Z's hand moves, tugging my nipple while sucking the other in deep.  Moving against him, I find my legs widening further and my mind and body anxious for more. 
  When he moves lower, I dread him near my gross jiggly post-baby belly, but then he extends his tongue and licks me along the scar line, kissing me gently in the center of the scar.  I don't actually feel his kiss but it's such a beautiful acknowledgement of what we both know happened to cause it, I'm suddenly okay with my newest scar.
  Moving lower still, kissing down my torso, past my hips, past...
Argh...
where I wish he would stop, Z moves to my nasty left leg and kisses me slowly.