THIS Is Me... (37 page)

  With a kind of reverence, his eyes are closed and he seems to be feeling all the damage on my leg but without any repulsion on his face.  It's such a loving gesture from Z, I find myself exhaling any embarrassment and insecurity.
  Lifting my leg behind my knee, he begins kissing up the inside of my thigh slowly.  Oh, god!  Here we go.  This is what I'm dying for.  This is what I want from ONLY Z.
  “Please...” I moan as my hands clench the sheets.
  Instantly my body jumps and my hips buck against his mouth when he takes me.  Oh
god...
  When he places my left leg over his shoulder and palms my right thigh wider, I'm engulfed in the pleasure.  Writhing, I can't even control my body.  My body reacts all on its own as my mind blanks. 
  I hear myself moaning and I even hear myself begging.  But I don't care and I can't stop.  My body is taking what it needs from Z.
   After forever, when everything inside me changes to that tight, hard, suspended feeling, I look down my body at Z and- Oh my GOD...
  Looking up from what he's doing to me with his mouth and fingers still working me, everything between us pauses in a rush. 

  Z's eyes are open and intense, surrounded by eyelashes so dark and long just staring at my eyes.  And suddenly this becomes the sexiest, most beautiful moment I've ever had in my life. 

  With my pale legs against his dark skin, and his beautiful dark eyes watching me, I exhale and give into the pleasure he’s given me.
    As my body arches and contorts, Z holds my thighs tightly against him as he continues to stare in my eyes while I scream out for him.  Unable to break away, I feel Z's tongue still working me in my madness.  Gasping and reaching for him, I scream again as the intensity becomes too much.
  Stopping with his mouth still against me, we stare at each other in silence. 
  This is the greatest moment of intimacy I have ever known in my life.  There is nothing between us in this moment.  There is no past and no pain.  There are no absences, nor moments taken.  There is no embarrassment or fear.  There is no one here but us.  This is
by far
the greatest moment of my life. 
  So naturally, I start crying.
  Crawling up my body with sweet kisses and little nips on my skin Z continues advancing until he takes my lips once again.  And even as I taste myself on him, I don't care.  I need his kiss so badly, I'm pulling and tugging him, wrapping my legs tightly around him while trying to consume him into me.  I need him, forever.  I need this beautiful tenderness and stunning affection with him, always.
  When everything just stops I look up at Z.  Holding my face in both his hands he is so silent and still.  Looking at his eyes, I am reminded of the time when I didn't think I could ever have this again.  Staring at his eyes I realize he is everything to me in every moment.
  “I love you, Z,” I whisper.  “This is the Suzanne I want to be.  This is who I want to be with you.  THIS is me...”
  With his eyes shining, he nods and kisses me slowly once again.  So slow and thoroughly, Z kisses our past from us.  It really is amazing how a good, deep kiss can make you forget...
everything.
  Resting his forearms on the bed on both sides of my body, we don't speak.  Kissing, we begin the familiar move and retreat, back and forth motion as he slowly enters me. 

  When finally he enters me fully, we again seem to exhale into each other mouths.  He may be large, and I may be damaged, but our bodies fit together beautifully. 
We
fit together beautifully.
  Moving, we take our time and enjoy the slow intimacy without pain or reservation.  We move slow and deep, calm and intense.  Together we each give and take in turn.  Together we come back to each other through movement and love.
  And I can see it.
  This life we share is real and tangible.  It fills the room with love but it makes no demands and it takes no effort.  This love is open and free from all the struggle it took to get here.  It doesn't hurt me and it doesn't intimidate me anymore.  It's amazing to me in this place between us that we ever found our way to this moment together.
  After forever, Z moves backward to a kneeling position and lifts my body onto his thighs.  Remembering the past, I smile as I see his eyes look between our bodies again.  Staring, Z looks mesmerised by my body taking his into my own.

  Z’s body is incredible in this moment.  Seeing his stomach move and flex in rhythm with his thighs is simply amazing to watch.  There is nothing damaged about him.  His body is gorgeous, and his intensity shows all over his face as he alternates between staring at my eyes and at where our bodies join.

  Pulling me harder against him, I close my eyes and finally feel everything he can give me.

  After endless moments of my building pleasure, Z seems to beg, “I'm going to come, Suzanne.  I'm sorry...”
  Teasing him, I open my eyes and smile.  “Go ahead, Z.  You said round 2 would be a worthwhile performance anyway, so I'm waiting for it,” I grin.
  Laughing, Z leans over my body and kisses me again, pinching my butt underneath me, as he slowly slides his hand between us and does that touch-thing to me again.
  Instantly, I gasp and move desperately.  My body starts moving on its own again, grinding against his hand while my fingers claw at the sheets.  Pushing up against his body, I seem to find a desperate, pounding rhythm against him.  Panting, I feel like I'm losing my mind.  But in a good way.  The best way.
  “
Z...?
”
  “Come on, love.  You're killing me,” he groans against my mouth again.  Ummmm...
  And here it is.  Ahhh… I'm gonna lose it.  When my body locks down tight, I know I'm almost there.  Come ON!  Ahhh…
  With a final touch- that amazing thing he does to me- it's over.  My body releases on a gasp as my brain shuts down.  Moving desperately, I seem to spasm in his arms.  Moving desperately, everything snaps tight around him inside me.
  My body is weak, my heart is pounding, my throat is raw, but I'm so unbelievably happy I care about nothing but us in the moment.
  Watching Z release inside me is still beautiful.  I remembered it was, but the memories are never as stunning as the reality.  With his eyes open, he stares at me as he releases everything he can inside me.  Closing my eyes, I feel him moving fully inside me.  His is inside me, completely.
  Holding me close, I open my eyes again to Z staring down at me.  Kissing my swollen lips softly, he exhales into my mouth as I breathe him in.  And lifting my limp arms around his back, I pull him on top of me heavily.  I want his weight on me.  I want his body to surround me.
  Exhaling, he asks, “Ready for round 2 to
really
blow your mind?” As he grins his 'I'm the man' smile.
  Giggling, “Not a chance, Z.  I know I'm going to need more Physio after that particular performance, and lots of rest and recovery.”
  “Fine... But when you wake up I'm going to show you what I can
really
do,” he smirks.
  “Okay...” I mumble in my near-unconsciousness with a kiss. Sighing my happiness into him, I’m going to remember this moment for eternity.
  Feeling Z slide out of my body, he moves to my side and turns me into his chest.  I know I'm sweaty and gross and I even smell like sex, but I don't care in this moment.  I care about nothing but this moment between us.
  This is where I want to be.  Right here.  Satiated and limp from pleasure with Z.  Beautiful and whole from love with Z.  I'm happy here.
  “I love you, Suzanne,” he whispers against my hair.

  “I know...” I mumble.
  Smiling as he pulls me tighter to him, I kiss his chest and finally exhale our past completely.

                            CHAPTER 40

APRIL 10

  Last month, Z and I finally bought and moved into our new apartment in Manhattan, and I couldn't be happier.  New York has been amazing and freeing, and just wonderful again.  I'm glad we moved, and I'm glad living in New York makes everything feel easier for me, and for Z. 
  However, at this moment I'm back in Chicago.  Subpoenaed to testify at my father’s trial, sadly.
  Exiting the bathroom of our hotel room, I'm dressed and as presentable as possible.  My black slacks and blouse look lovely paired with a little jacket.  My hair is left down, and my make-up is thick for coverage but natural looking.  Covering up the reddish coloring on my scarred cheek is easier for me now.  And though the texture remains, from a distance with enough make-up the scars are
barely
noticeable, even to me.

  Looking at Z, I pause and just take him in.  I think the novelty of having such a wonderful loving man has finally wore off, but the intensity of my love for him hasn't faded in the slightest.  I can still look at him and picture first; all we went through to get here.  Then second; forgive that horrendous journey while embracing this life of ours now. 
  Z and I are growing so comfortable with each other it's hard to believe we haven't been this way for years.  We laugh and love, have crazy
off the charts sex,
and we talk about everything, always. 
  Z doesn't put up with my neurotic, crazy, insecure, Suzanne-shit, and he doesn't let me close down.  And experiencing our real and honest loving relationship makes me not want to ever close down again.  I love him too much to ever close myself off from him and our relationship, and I’ve promised us both, no matter what happens, I won’t ever do it again.
  Exhaling, I take Z in and thank whoever was gracing me the day I met him.  I thank all the things that conspired against me early on because eventually they brought me to this place in my life with Z.
  Sometimes when the darkness washes over me, Z still seems like too much light in my little world, but the moments we share of unfettered laughter and happiness make me hold onto him as best I can.  And thankfully, he lets me hold onto him tightly.
  Holding onto Z has gotten me through my mother's conviction of 46 different counts ranging from the horrendous to the mundane in contrast to what I actually went through as a child.  And Z's love even helped me put to rest Marcus and his contribution to the lying nightmare that was our marriage of nearly 7 years. 
  With Z's help, I am not HER anymore. 
 
 

  “Are you ready, love?”  Z asks in the hallway.
  “Not at all, so let’s go before I change my mind again,” I pout.
  Taking my hand, Z kisses me softly which effectively stops me from fleeing him.  Backing me against the wall and bending down low, he forces eye contact with him.  Giving me The Look he learned from Mack is totally unfair, but he waits for me to speak anyway.
  “I'm okay.  I'm just scared of seeing him.  But I'm not scared he'll hurt me.  I know he can't.  Um, I'm just scared it’s going to screw me up and I don't want to be screwed up because I've been so great for a while now.  And I don't want to be screwed up right now.  Well, ever again actually, because I feel really happy now Z.”  There.  I spoke.
  “You've been
amazing
for a while now.  And we'll all be there with you, and nothing and no
one
is going to hurt you today.  Only you can hurt yourself today with the dark memories, Suzanne.  Just remember, if you need a moment look for me or Mack or Glenn, and we'll get you your moment.  But please let us know
before
any pain or panic sets in, okay?”
  “Okay...” I nod, as I pull away from him and walk toward the hotel door.

                                               *****
 

  This is going to suck today.  My father's trial has been going on forever, but strangely it was his Defense team who called me to testify first, not the Prosecution.  So today is the shitty day.
  After speaking with Mack about what will probably happen, he seems to think my father's team is going to get me to admit that my mother was the true monster throughout the abuse instead of my father.  Their angle is going to be establishing that my father never
really
hurt me, which he didn't-
physically
. 
  The problem his team is going to have is when I tell the Jurors and courtroom how badly he did actually hurt me by obeying my mother, and by preparing me for the abuses.  And mostly, for never protecting me when I was young
from
all the abuse my mother and the men inflicted on me, as most fathers would or should have.
  I'm lucky my mother's trial was many months ago when I was still too screwed up to go to court, because it allowed me the opportunity for the closed testimony I gave.  But this testimony will be in the open courtroom, in front of all the people, and Reporters, and my friends who are waiting for me to finish this.  And though both Defense and Prosecuting teams are likely to go easy on me, I know some questions will still rip me apart.  It's inevitable.
  Gratefully, the Prosecution team and D.A. Rose have promised to make the Defense toe the line, if you will.  They said actual, horrific details aren't necessary from me because those have already been established, though not by them rather by my father and his Defense Attorneys.
  It's strange, but my father has admitted to everything- ALL of it.  I know he only did it to set up the angle of the abuse and depravity as instigated by my mother.  I know he's only trying to show how brutal SHE was so he doesn't look so bad or guilty to the Jurors.  I know he wants to look rather like a victim of hers as well, instead of the perpetrator of the violence against me.  I know that's his angle, but as the real true victim in my sadly horrific childhood it totally pisses me off.
  Regardless of what they claim, he was a monster too.  He knows it, I know it.  Every single person who has ever heard or reported my case knows it.  I guess he's just hoping for a little sentencing leniency by playing the secondary abuser in my horrific childhood.
  When we arrive at the courthouse a few Reporters take pictures of me again.  Flanked by Z and Mack I'm used to the picture taking now but I still hate it.  Though I was a minor at the time of the abuse, and though the Prosecution team and D.A. Rose have never released my name publicly, early on my mother told everyone who I was- lying through her teeth about her poor, insane, whacked-out daughter who was a liar.  By trying to protect herself, she outted me to the public.