This May Sound Crazy (4 page)

Let me set up a visual for you.

I've just gotten back home from a “lunch.” Like, one of those actual lunches that came about because someone said, “Let's do lunch.” Like, that's a thing . . . Like, that actually happens.

ANYWAY . . .

I came home, immediately got into my pajamas (my brother says I hold the world record for quickest changer into pajamas), and checked my phone. Ten text messages from my friend Summer.

I'm busy piecing together bits of broken, incoherent text messages that looked something like this:

. . . . JOEL:

     
OGM LITERALLY I CANT EEVEN RIGHTR NOW LIKE WTF

. . . . SUMMER:

     
Im so sad now i literally just like I'm dying

. . . . SUMMER:

     
whatevering over it ill find someone else

. . . . JOEL:

     
PLEASE ANSWER YOUR *expletive* PHONE NOW.

Long before I got to the last message, I realized Joel was now Summer's *ex*-boyfriend.

But before I can call Summer back, Joel calls me about not wanting to break up with Summer.

Trying to be friends with both people in a breakup, I have learned, is near impossible. You're torn between taking two completely different sides usually, which isn't fair, and you can't help feeling like you're being a bad friend if you don't agree with both of them.

This makes things really, really, really, REALLLLLLY complicated. Especially when one person decides to tell the other person what you've been saying. THEN you're the person to blame. You can't win. And with Summer and Joel, I couldn't ever win.

Once they were in the throes of the breakup, Joel and Summer started arguing through me. . . . I mean there was even a time when
Summer had asked me to tell Joel that she'd just gotten her period. I guess so he knew she was in an extra bad mood so not to mess with her. . . . Which I was like,
Yeah, I feel you, girl.

Periods suck.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But then when I told Joel, he was like, “I don't care. That's cool, but I don't care. Whatever.”

And then just hung up and I was kinda like, “Bae, chill. I'm just the messenger here.”

And also saying you don't care is VERY offensive cuz you're a dude. You don't know how hard it is to stay positive about life when you are literally the human form of the blood elevators in
The Shining
, okay?

Or there was the time when he asked me to ask Summer if she wanted him to send her back her pajamas.

And she texted me all like, “OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO HIM? NO, I DON'T WANT MY PAJAMAS BACK. I'M NOT POOR. I CAN AFFORD NEW PAJAMAS. I HAVE PLENTY. I DONT NEED HIM SENDING ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL, EVER—NOT EVEN A GIFT. AND MY OLD PAJAMAS ARE DEFINITELY NOT A GIFT.”

And I was like, “Okay.”

And then he texted me and said, “WHAT DID SHE SAY? DOES SHE WANT HER PAJAMAS OR NOT? I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE, AND I DONT HAVE TIME TO WAIT AROUND TO SEE IF SHE WANTS HER PAJAMAS. SO DOES SHE WANT THEM OR NOT? I HAVE THINGS TO DO, I HAVE PLANS AND THINGS I WANNA DO, AND PLACES I HAVE TO BE, AND FRIENDS I HAVE TO SEE AND THINGS. THINGS I NEED TO DO. SO DOES SHE WANT THEM?”

And I was like, “No.”

And then for some reason they both HATED me after that.

For a while, at least. Then they both came back to me being all nice. I guess cuz they realized how fabulous I am and how hard it is to stay away from my amazingness.

The moral of the story is: No good deed goes unpunished.

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be there for both people if you're friends with the two of them. But trying to help them get back together will never work. Someone will always feel betrayed, no matter what your intent was.

And also, breakups happen for a reason! Someone—and usually both of them just don't realize it right away—is unhappy in the
relationship. Trying to pressure them into going back to something that made them unhappy isn't fair. It can add a lot of stress to what's already incredibly stressful.

After both Summer and Joel started freaking out on me for talking to their ex

I decided the best thing to do was to stay out of it. Trying to push two people together when they already are broken up never works out well—for anyone. Instead, I just told them that they have to work out their issues and that I would be there for both of them for emotional support/sad music recommendations/uplifting quotes I find on
Tumblr/
Dance Moms
trivia/adorable cat memes/Cards Against Humanity games. It didn't work out because one lived in London and one lived in LA, but still, I did my best.

I kinda felt like Dr. Phil.

And in the end, it actually wound up okay.

BTW, have I ever mentioned how much I ship Dr. Phil and his wife? But that's another story for another time. . . .

To be with him always was all that she wanted

Her head on his chest

Their hands interlocking

To breathe in his air

Like a drag from a smoke

To give all she had

But all she had broke

See, her heart was too fragile

Encompassed by glass

Her own crystal castle

Too gorgeous to last

But still she had hope one day it would change

'cause later she learned

He too was the same

So together they built

From the rubble of guilt

Their own crystal castle

On top of a hill

A hill of secrets and all their regrets

The things he had promised

The things she forgets

And maybe together their hearts were less fragile

But easy to break

Inside crystal castles

It's been said before

That love shouldn't hurt

But here's my opinion

For what it is worth

Love isn't something that you could define

Not in a song

Or a book

Or even this line

Love is just something we feel when we know

It hurts less together

Than when we're alone

Yes, it does hurt

But all I'll say is this

I'd give 10 million hurts

Than one less of his kiss

'Cause here's my opinion

For all that it's worth

If I had a choice

In who'd break my heart

I'd rather him hurt me

Than all others by far

So together they built

From the rubble of guilt

Their own crystal castle

On top of a hill

A hill full of joy and nostalgic air

If it hurt to let go

It just meant they cared

Yes, maybe their hearts were less fragile

But easier to break

Inside crystal castles.

There is nothing in this world more terrifying than this.

You're by your phone, wondering why you haven't heard from you know who. BAE.

Well, maybe he's not bae yet, but you're hoping to make him bae.

Here's the thing:
boys are confusing.

They do things like text you like every day at, say, 1:00 p.m. for a week and then all of a sudden:
Nah, just not gonna text her today even though the last thing I texted her was
“Talk to U tomorrow.”

And then you go crazy. You're all like:
Did that mean YOU'LL text ME tomorrow or
that I should text YOU?
See, it's unclear, and now if I wait for you to text me you might not because you want me to text you and then we might not talk today and then it's not long before I'm thinking,
Wow, he really hates me. I should've texted him. I need to grow up and stop playing games.

But then if I do send that text, all day I'm gonna be thinking,
He's only talking to me cuz he feels bad for me. He doesn't actually like me. What a GRAVE mistake I have made.

So yeah. Boys are confusing and they suck.

Which is why, my dear friends, I am here to help you.

I have a friend named Nick Simmons and he is my official Boy Consultant. He's my friend Sophie's brother, and while she also gives ~bomb~ advice, sometimes it helps to hear a boy's perspective on the complicated and terrifying realm that is the male brain.

After texting Nick one night in a bit of a mild freak out that looked something like this:

Me: . . . .

NEED HELP RITE NOW

. . . . Nick:

     
Shoot.

Me: . . . .

OK SO LJKE WE HAVE BEEN TALKJNG

NONSSTOP, BUT TODAY HE HASNT

TDXTED ME YET. AND IDK.

ITS LJKE WHY RNT U TEXTING ME?

WHO R U WITH RIFHF NOW?! SHOULD I

TEXT HIM OR NAH

See? Mild freak out.

Nick then proceeded to give me some of the best advice I have ever gotten. I refer to it as the Ten-to-One Rule. It's very simple yet VERY hard to follow.

But first let me start this by saying that we are all badass ~queens~ and we can text a
guy WHENEVER we want and shouldn't feel bad about it at all. If you WANT to text a guy first, you SHOULD. It's 2015; we don't have to adhere to dumb clichés. However, from talking to Nick I've learned that a lot of guys, not all but a lot, really like the chase. Weird and dumb but true. So, if already you're like “NOPE, I'm gonna text him whenever I want idgaf” then you are way stronger than me, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS. If not, continue reading.

If a guy starts a text conversation with you five to eight days in a row, then you may start the conversation first ONCE. Got it? Five to eight days of him first means you get ONE day to text him first. It shows you are enjoying talking to him, too, but by then one text shouldn't scare him off. Then let him start the conversation five to eight days in a row again before you text him first again. I call it the Ten-to-One Rule cuz that's the ideal: To get him to text first ten times before you text him the one time—and so on and so forth
until, of course, you're both in love. Then you can start texting him whenever.

ANYWAY, WAITING IS HARD. REALLY HARD. So for those days when you have already used up your one day of texting first, I have OTHER STRATEGIES.

My personal favorite is to have what I call a Stock Image System. On days when my hair looks good or I really like my outfit or my makeup—days where I don't look THAT different just especially saucy.
I take advantage of that and take as many selfies in as many locations as possible. And then I save them so that I can post them on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook while he's online. A lot of time, it WORKS. He'll either comment or like it or outright text to say hi. Yeah. Boys suck. Like REALLY, GUYS, I HAD TO POST A GOOD SELFIE FOR YOU TO REMEMBER MY EXISTENCE?

But Nick says, “Maybe he just saw that as a
good excuse to text you.”

Which is true.

Sometimes guys get nervous, too. WE ARE ALL HUMAN.

The thing is to remember not to use too many excuses, i.e.:

“Omg I just accidentally saw a tweet of yours from 3 weeks ago where U said u like Breaking Bad. I'm at Barnes & Noble right now. Should I get the first season? I've never seen it.”

(And no, he didn't text back.)

And if any guy says they are just “bad at texting” . . . Well . . . What that usually means to me is “I'm bad at texting because I hate U.”

Yeah, maybe that's dramatic, but I don't really get that whole excuse. A text takes thirty seconds to send. And if a guy wants to talk to you he WILL find the time to talk to you. Period.

And this is just a way to take out some of that anxiety over “Should I?/Shouldn't I?”

If nothing else, just read this chapter when you are about to make a rash decision. By the time you finish this, if you still want to text him DO IT.

We will get through these treacherous times together, kids.

Godspeed.

Godspeed.

*Special thanks to Nick Simmons for being the best Boy Consultant and giving me this wonderful tip that has helped me through the most trying of times