Three Loving Words (25 page)

“If you love her, then sign the papers.  Give her her life back.”

“I’ll be nothing without her.”

“I’m sorry,” she said sounding oddly sincere.  “If you love her, sign the papers.”  She handed me a pen and pointed toward the documents.

“She doesn’t want anything.  Everything you have, everything you own is yours if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“She can have it all. I don’t care about this … this stuff.  I care about her.”

“Then show me, show her.  Sign.”

And so I did.  I signed away my life, my heart, because I had given it to Paige, and if she left, she took it with her.

*****

“What died in here?” I had heard my father’s voice before I saw him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to fill my voice with disdain, but I didn’t have the desire or energy to.  Come to think of it, I didn’t have the desire or energy to do much of anything lately.  It was even becoming too difficult to lift a bottle of alcohol to my lips to numb the pain I was in, and I was in agony.  Heart wrenching, gut twisting agony.  That was what happened when you gave up, when you signed your name on what might as well be your death certificate.

“Your mother is worried about you.”

“So she thought sending a wolf to a lamb’s place was the way to go?  Kill me quickly instead of letting me die slowly?”

He ignored my comment as he cleaned up the living room a bit.  I never thought I’d see the day my dad lifted a finger for anything.  “She told me about the divorce papers.”

“Of course, she did.”  My mother had checked on me earlier that week, the day after Chandra had served me with a life sentence of misery.  To say I was a mess was an understatement.  She came back every day after that, but I barely heard a word she said.  I didn’t know what it was about my dad, but he could get a rise out of me even in the bleakest of circumstances.  Where I ignored anyone else who stopped by that week, I answered him no problem.

“What are you doing wallowing in self-pity?” he asked.

“What the hell do you care?”

“You’re my son!” he bellowed as if that mattered to him.

“Haven’t been anything but a burden to you in a long time.”

“That’s not true.”

“What are you even doing here?” I asked, truly curious.

“I’m here to talk some sense into you.”

“No use.  Got no sense left,” I retorted.

“Goddammit, Enzo.  Who are you?”

“A shell of myself.”  It was the most honest answer I could give him.

“I see that, but that’s not you.”

“What do you know about me?”

“I know you’re better than this.”

“You haven’t known me in a long time, old man, especially to know I’m better than anything.”

He paused and scratched his chin with his hand.  I was caught in his web, waiting to hear what he had to say next.  “Fine, fine … maybe I don’t know you the way I should, but how about I tell you what I see?”

“How about not?”

He didn’t listen to me.  “I see myself, Enzo.  I see a man spiraling down into an abyss he can’t get himself out of.  I see the chain reaction taking place, one move causing the other.”

“I don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”

“This, Enzo,” he waved his hand around the place, “all of this … you, Paige, everything… it was all for you.”

“It was so I wouldn’t embarrass you or do something stupid to ruin your precious life!”

“Do you love her?” He changed the subject.

“More than you could ever understand.”

“Then stop brooding and go fight for her.”

“She doesn’t want me.”

“This weakling isn’t who I raised.”

“You didn’t raise me at all!” I yelled.  “This is all your fault.  None of this would have happened if you didn’t mess with our lives.  And for what?  For what?” I screamed as I got in his face.

“So that you wouldn’t turn out like me.”  His voice was even, his breathing labored.

“Wha … what?” I asked, backing down a bit.

“I told you, Enzo, you remind me of me, and I was afraid.  I’ve done a lot of bad in my life, things I know you hate me for, things I hate myself for, but there are two things I did absolutely right.  I married your mother and I had you.  I thought bringing you and Paige together would be the third good thing in my life.”

“I … I don’t understand.”  I had stepped back completely at this point, my emotions all over the place.

“You have so much of your mother in you, and I’m thankful for that, but you’re still my son.  You were teetering on the edge of becoming a monster like me or a saint like her.  You needed someone to ground you, to pull the man out of you that I knew you could be.  Paige was that for you.  When Ted told me about his worries, that she wasn’t confident, that she’d settle with some second-rate guy, I knew it was a sign.  You’re not some second-rate guy, son.  You’re so much better than anyone … than me.”

“I am better than you,” I answered, needing to feel some familiarity, and arguing with my father was definitely familiar.

“I know.” He nodded.  “Maybe I went about it all the wrong way.  Maybe I meddled where I shouldn’t have, but I did it for the right reasons.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Look, Enzo, you’re my son.  I haven’t always been there for you, but I thought this was a start.  I never knew how to be a good father.  I guess I didn’t have those genes, but when you were a kid, you didn’t seem to notice.  You looked up to me no matter what I did.  When you got older, it was harder to hide my inabilities, but I swear I tried to be there the only way I knew how.  We grew further and further apart as we got older, and it became harder to communicate with you without yelling, but I did try.  I tried to give you good schools, freedom, allowances.  This, Enzo, this was me giving you love.”

“What do you know about love?”

“I know what your mother taught me, I know what I saw between you and Paige.  I’m not good at the love thing, but I know that Paige loves you.”

“She doesn’t!” I whined.

“I might be inadequate with my own feelings, but I’m not blind, Enzo.  Paige loves you something fierce.  And you love her.  Don’t let her go.  I wasn’t perfect, but I never let your mother go.  She was it for me, and I fought tooth and nail to keep her.  You need to do the same.”

“Why?” I asked.   I didn’t have to elaborate.  I wasn’t asking why I had to fight for her.  I was asking why he was telling me all this, opening up, being the father I had longed for when it was too late.

“Because with all my faults, with all my haughty accusations and arrogant notions, and yes, Enzo, I recognize when I’m being a conceited ass,” he chuckled at his own words, “I love you.  I don’t know how to show it or say it, and Lord knows you push my buttons in a way I didn’t know anyone could, but right now, you need me to be your dad and not just your father.”

“What do I do?” I asked, realizing I really did need my dad.  It was never too late, not when it came to family.

“You fight, Enzo.  You don’t give up.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Well first, you clean yourself up.” He laughed but then grew serious. “I taught you how to fight Enzo. That’s one thing I know I did.  As to how, you’ll figure it out.”

He left without a good-bye or a hug.  I had already gotten so much more from him than I ever expected … right when I needed him the most.

*****

My father had been right.  What I was doing the past two months was whining from afar.  Sure, I had tried to see Paige, but all I gave her were opportunities to turn me away or ignore me.  That wasn’t fighting, and I knew how to fight.  I’d fight dirty if I had to, and I was thinking I just might.

The idea came to me the day after my talk with my dad.  I’d force Paige to speak with me.  Two days after I signed the divorce papers, Paige went back to work.  I knew this because I couldn’t fully let her go, so I might have possibly called her office with a blocked number.  Just once, maybe twice … only about a hundred times … a day.  Emily confirmed it; she might not have spoken to Paige, but Nora apprised her of Paige’s comings and goings.

I guessed when I signed the papers, Paige realized I had given up and thought it safe to return to her routine without fear of running into me.  And she was right for a few days, but my dad lit a fire under my ass, and now, I had a plan.

I couldn’t do it alone, though, so I picked up the phone and called the one person I knew I could count on with this no questions asked, and the minute I heard the click, I said, “I need your help.”

*****

I pulled up to Paige’s work, parked across the street, and stared at the looming building for some time. I was finally going to face Paige, I was finally going to see her face again and speak to her.  I prayed she wouldn’t push me away and would hear me out, but I couldn’t be sure, and for that, I was a nervous wreck.  I ran my clammy hands up and down my jeans, hoping not to just wipe away the moisture but also any anxiety with it.  I had become a completely different person these past two months, a doubting version of myself rather than the confident son of a bitch I used to be, but I’d do it all over again for another moment with Paige.

I got out of the car and crossed the street, finding a small stone wall to lean against, waiting for Paige to walk out after a day of work.  I had stayed that way for ten minutes before I saw her emerge.  She had shadows under her eyes, her cheeks were a bit sunken, and the shine I was used to in her eyes was gone, and still, she was stunning.  I wasn’t surprised to see our separation and the loss of our baby had taken a toll on her, but I was surprised at what else I saw.

“Paige?” I questioned, staring at her, my eyes moving up and down her body.  She stopped suddenly and turned her head toward me.  Her lips parted and her hand wrapped protectively around her body.

“Enzo,” she whispered, clearly shocked to see me.

“You lied to me, little girl.”

Paige

He had well and truly given up.  As much as I wanted him to let me go so that I could let him go, it was a shock to my system that he had actually signed the divorce papers.  I moped the first day, but I couldn’t stay at home and continue to cry my eyes out like I had done the past two months.  I figured if I’d go to work and surround myself with people who didn’t know what was going on, I’d be forced to be cheery.  It actually worked, to an extent.  When I went back to Chandra and Luke’s place each night, I buried my head under the covers with ice cream in hand.  They were letting me stay in their small place while I looked for a place of my own.

I was sure Nora was happy I was out of her hair or maybe not.  But her husband probably was.  I was a Debby Downer the entire time I was with her.  And we argued … a lot.

“You’re wrong,” she told me after I begged her to tell Enzo to go away for the tenth time that first week.

“I’m doing what’s best for myself, my baby, and especially for him.”

“That stuff he’s pulling out there, that doesn’t seem like something a guy who’s not in love wouldn’t do.”

“Then maybe he grew to love me.” I threw my hands up in frustration.

“So what if he did.  He loves you, Paige.  For God’s sake, he thinks the baby is dead and he is one second away from breaking down my door, and if he does, I’m letting him in and forcing you to talk to him.”

“He doesn’t love me!  It was all about the money.  I heard him!”

“Then you heard wrong.”

“So then why does he keep apologizing?”

“I don’t know.”  I had bested Nora, not that I wanted to best her in something like this.

“Besides, let’s say he loves me.  It was a love born of circumstance, not the true kind.  I’ll admit he’s not a truly bad guy, and because of that, he’ll stay with me out of commitment, whether it’s to his father or to me, it doesn’t matter.  I can’t do that to him.”

“I don’t understand you, P.”

“I love him, Nora!  He might not love me, but I love him.  And I can’t force him to stay in this.  I’m letting him go.”

“He doesn’t want to go!”

“He doesn’t know what he wants right now.  He’s grieving and confused.  I’m doing the right thing for everyone … for him.”

“You should give him a choice.”

“He won’t make the right one.”

“He’s calling out for you, Paige.  That seems to me like the right choice.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know that I love you and you’re miserable, and clearly, so is he, so I’m hurting for you.”

“He’ll get over it.  He’ll move on and find someone he truly loves.”

“Then you tell him it’s over because I’m not going to.”

“Nora, please, I need you.”  I didn’t wipe the tears, showing her just hard this was on me.

She finally sighed, clearly defeated.  “If he keeps this up, I’ll send him away, but I’m hoping he might wear you down.  I love you, P, but I don’t agree with you.  I’ll do what you want but know I’m going to work on you, too.”  And she did.  Every time I asked her to look at my phone for me or send Enzo away or call my parents because even though I didn’t want to talk to them, I still loved them and didn’t want them to worry, she did.  But she drilled my head every day.

“He loves you,” she’d tell me.  “Talk to him …You’re wrong, Paige … He’s not giving up; that says something …”  She didn’t know it, but between her, Enzo, and even Chandra and Luke, I was starting to cave.  I was torn between giving in and ruining Enzo’s life while living in the shadow of the happy life I thought I’d have and standing my ground.  I wanted to run into Enzo’s arms, tell him it didn’t matter whether he loved me because I couldn’t survive another day without him, but I couldn’t do that to him or myself.  His constant calls, texts, and flowers became something I took for granted, a part of my life I thought I loathed for the reminder of what I could have had.  I just didn’t know it until I lost it.

“Chandra, I have a huge favor,” I told her over the phone.

“Anything babe,” she told me.  She had been worried about me the entire time as well, and she had been Team Enzo as well.  I spent most of my time begging her not to mention him and instead talk about wedding plans, and she mostly obliged, but she still managed to add a remark here and there.

“I need you to present Enzo with divorce papers.”

“Divorce papers?” she asked incredulously.  “What for?”

“Don’t give me that.  He needs to move on, and ignoring him clearly isn’t working.  Maybe it’s the challenge or something, but he needs to know it’s truly over.”

“It’s not the challenge!” she yelled.  “He loves you!”

“This is Enzo we’re talking about.”

“What’s his incentive for trying to contact you every day when he thinks there is nothing binding you two?” she asked.

“Obligation?  Money?  Maybe even some inner goodness?  It doesn’t matter.  If he knows I’m pregnant, he’s going to stick with me just for the kid.  I don’t deserve that and neither does he.”

“I’m not doing it,” she told me matter-of-factly.

“He’ll open the door for you.”

“He’ll open the door for you, too.”

“I can’t.” I started crying.  “Please, Chandra.  This is so hard on me.  I can’t keep going like this myself.  I need to know it’s over, too.  I need this to stop so I can try to move on as well.  Please,” I pleaded, “do this for me, do this for my sanity, do this for my child.”

“That was low,” Chandra told me.

“Look, maybe you’re right and he does love me, but it’s not the right kind of love.  It’s not all-consuming, it’s not selfless; it’s the desperate kind.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do.  I heard him that night.  He knocked me up to satisfy a condition his dad gave him.  It was so his dad wouldn’t cut off his allowance.  He made me fall in love with him so I could give him what he wanted, and maybe the byproduct was him falling for me, too.  But what kind of love is that?”

“The wrong kind,” Chandra admitted.  My lawyer sent her the papers and she visited him the next day.  She was supposed to just mail them to me so she wouldn’t have to drive out to Nora’s place, but she came in person instead.

“I think you heard wrong,” Chandra told me the minute I opened the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had to tell you in person so you’d know how serious I am.”

“What’s wrong?” I started panicking.

“He signed the papers,” she told me.  I thought I’d feel relief, but I didn’t.

“That’s good,” I said out loud, but even I heard how false my words sounded.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s miserable.”

“But he signed the papers,” I retorted.

“Because I made him.  I threatened him with love for you, and that was the only reason he did it.  He was so broken, Paige.  I’ve never seen anyone so far gone.  I don’t know what you heard or why he did what he did.  Maybe you didn’t hear everything, maybe it all started with the wrong reasons, but the man I saw today … he’s not wallowing because he’s afraid Daddy will cut him off.  He’s literally dying inside of a broken heart.  Don’t sign the papers, Paige.”

“I have to.”

“I’m telling you that you need to talk to him, that you need to figure things out. Don’t sign them or you’ll regret it.”

“It’s too late now,” I told her, rubbing my stomach.  “I can’t go to him now.”  I meant it, truly meant it.  Two months wasn’t a long time in the span of an entire lifetime, but it was an entire valley when it came to being able to talk to Enzo after everything that had passed.

“It’s never too late.”

I didn’t have a response because I had started sobbing.  Chandra held me until the tears subsided.  She rubbed my back and told me things would be okay, but I knew they wouldn’t be.  She and Nora hosted a romance comedy cryfest for me that night, and when Chandra left the next day, she announced I was going back to work.  She said I needed to snap out of my funk, and that was a start, surrounding myself with familiar things and faces.

The next day, I did just that.  It did help during the hours I worked, but when I was alone at night, my thoughts drifted to Enzo, and the stabbing pain in my heart never receded.

“You’re still pregnant,” Enzo’s words snapped me out of my thoughts.

“What are you doing here?” I snapped, my emotions threatening to overtake my body.

“That’s my baby,” he stated as he moved closer to me.  I stepped back.  “You lied to me, little girl.”  I couldn’t tell whether he was upset or disappointed, but I knew he wasn’t happy. “Why’d you tell me our baby was gone, Paige?”  This time, I could hear the anger and betrayal, and I hated that I did that to him, that he felt that way toward me.

“Because I don’t want you,” I said through gritted teeth.  What right did he have to question me, judge me, or be angry with me?  He had betrayed me just the same and kept things from me.  I had every right to do that to him as well.

“That’s a lie, too,” he said as he stepped even closer to me.  I tried to move back, but my feet froze in place.  My body was reverting to the old ways in which Enzo and I argued – where he’d advance and I’d want to bolt in fear, but I’d stand my ground to show him I wasn’t intimidated.  It was oddly comforting at that moment.  “You kept this from me; you kept me from my baby.  You lied to me.”  His anger was only overshadowed by his surprise and his confusion.  I was crumbling; I didn’t want him to hate me, and I could tell, looking in his eyes, that he was warring with himself.  But I had to stand my ground.

“Don’t you get it, Enzo?  If I wanted to be with you, I wouldn’t have lied about the baby.  I knew that was the only thing holding us together and I wanted out.  It worked, didn’t it?  You signed the divorce papers, right?  We’re over!”  We were starting to draw a crowd, but I didn’t care.  He still managed to rile me up; even with all the sadness that had found a home in my soul, there was still a spark that started my blood boiling when he was near.

“We’re never over,” he told me as he stood just inches before me.

“We had to have a start to be over.”

“You’re carrying my child; I’d say that’s a pretty important start.”  His smile was part forced, part tight, and all smug, and I hated it. He was right, but that was clearly his plan all along.

“You bastard,” I hissed.

“Maybe, but I’m your bastard,” he said, still playing into the game he started.

“Never.”

“Always,” he retorted.

“What are you? Twelve?”

“That’s rich, Paige.”  I fought the urge to lift my hand and slap him.  How did he do this to me?  Flip my emotions as if they were a simple on and off switch.

We stared at each other, neither looking away, our breaths mingling as if this was foreplay.  Finally, he placed his hands on my stomach, his touch so gentle that I barely felt it.  I gasped at the contact and his eyes glazed over.

“You love me, Paige.  I know you do,” he finally spoke, his tone much softer.

“I don’t,” I told him, but I couldn’t look at him. My eyes were on his hands still on my stomach, but I made no move to push him away.

“Look me in the eye, Paige, and tell me you truly don’t love me and I’ll walk away.  I’ll leave you and our baby alone.”

I didn’t want to.  God, I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. I had started this whole thing two months ago, and I was going to see it through.  I didn’t know if it was stupidity, stubbornness, a defense mechanism to prevent Enzo from hurting me later down the road, my own insecurities telling me I wasn’t good enough for the man before me, or whether I truly believed I was doing the right thing, but I lifted my face so my eyes met his.  Determination steeling my spine, I spoke the three words I never thought I’d utter ever again, the three words that had once been so common to me, my three loving words. “I hate you.”

*****

I saw the minute my words registered to Enzo.  He lifted his hands from my stomach ever so slowly as if buying some time to process what was happening.  Then his hands dropped to his sides and I swear I heard the wind rush from the spaces where they fell.  I was sure I suddenly had acute hearing.  I heard Enzo’s mind churning, his breath coming out in small short puffs as if he had run a marathon, the sound of the single tear running down my cheek, scraping against my skin.  It was a moment I’d remember forever, the moment I hurt the person I loved the most simply because I loved him.

Just as suddenly as time had slowed, it magically sped up.  Before my eyes had adjusted to the sights before me, Enzo was moving away from me, his shoulders slumped, the defeat apparent.  I wondered briefly if maybe I had made a mistake, maybe I should have heard him out, maybe I shouldn’t have given into my fears.  But that was just it – when you lived with fears all your life, you didn’t give in to them, you were them.  I was a product of never feeling like enough.  My life with Enzo was too good to be true, at least in the recent past, and I couldn’t fathom being worthy of that.  I was aware that every excuse I had for severing my relationship with him was just that – an excuse – but to someone like me, they felt like valid reasons.  To an outsider, I was absurd, looking for things that weren’t there, not listening to the whole story, but this was my life, not theirs.  I was doing what I needed to do to protect not only my heart, but my baby too because I knew I wouldn’t survive it if Enzo broke my heart, and I had someone who relied on me now.  So I pushed my worries aside and watched the man I didn’t want to see leave walk away from me.  It was all so fast, as if someone had pushed the fast forward button on life.  He was in front of me one second and in the middle of the street the next.