Three Loving Words (23 page)

“You want to tell her that her father and I concocted a scheme to get you two to marry, go ahead.”  I didn’t fully understand his words, but my heart plummeted.

“You lied to us! You lied to her!  She deserves to know that there was no debt, that there was no feud, no possibility of harm to any of her family members ...” he paused, just long enough for the words to penetrate my shattering soul “… that she married me for no reason.”  I brought my hand up to my mouth to hold in the sob that threatened to break free.

Please God, no.  Let this be a nightmare, I prayed.

“Changing your tune?” Gerry’s voice was disgusted.  “Don’t you see, Enzo?  Everyone wins this way.” His voice was stern as if disciplining a child.  “You did exactly as you were told, you have a baby on the way, we get a grandchild, I don’t cut you off financially, and Paige is none-the-wiser, living happily ever after.”  I was screaming in the recesses of my mind, silent screams threatening to break free.  The tears were tracking down my cheeks, but I couldn’t move.

“Because that’s exactly why I knocked up Paige.” Enzo’s voice was quieter but harsh, almost as harsh as his actual words.  “Because you told me to.”  I died. I died a little inside with his words.  “You don’t know anything.” The vehemence in his voice was enough to make me start.  “I’m going to be a father! I’m having a baby with Paige.”  I died just a little more inside.  This was all about the baby.  Had this been his plan all along?  Knock me up to please his dad?  To keep his allowance?  This loving façade was just because of the baby.

“Exactly,” Gerry spoke.  “Don’t tell her anything, just stay and be happy, and everyone will, too.”  No!  He didn’t care about my baby or me, and I wasn’t about to let him stay just to lay claim to a child that was part of his master plan.  This baby was made out of my love even if it wasn’t made with Enzo’s.  I didn’t want to hear any more; I couldn’t hear any more.  It was all a lie.  It was all a lie.  My mind chanted those words over and over, the comprehension seeping into every part of my being.  The sob tore out of me as if it had been warring with my body and it finally won with a battle cry.  It was funny how you could actually hear silence, but I could.  I could hear the voices cease and time stood still.  They knew I had heard, but no one made a move.  Finally, my feet carried me as I raced down the stairs, not even halting as I grabbed the keys from the counter.

“Paige!” I heard Enzo call after me, but I wasn’t stopping.  Not for him.  I made it to the car and peeled out of the driveway before they could stop me. I wanted to look back more than anything.  I wanted to see the realization dawn on Enzo’s face when he understood that I knew he was a lying bastard.  I also hoped in vain that he’d follow me, pursue me and tell me everything I heard was a lie.  He’d tell me that he loved our baby and me more than anything, and it wasn’t some scheme.  I didn’t look back because I was afraid I wouldn’t see that.  I was afraid I wouldn’t see love.

It was only after I was sure that even if someone had followed me, they’d never find me that I realized something was wrong.  I clutched my stomach from the pain that gripped me.

Please, baby, please be okay. Mommy needs you more than ever now.  My tears were coming fast from the biting pain in my abdomen and the all-consuming hurt in my heart.  I could barely see the road, but I needed to get to a hospital.

Please, baby, stay with Mommy, I prayed as I finally found my way to the ER.

As they rushed to admit me, they asked if there was anyone they could call.  Enzo.  My traitorous heart still called to him.  “My sister, please.”  She might not come to hold my hand, but she’d never let me be alone.

Enzo

It was eating at me; it was eating me alive.  I thought I wanted to hide the truth, keep her from getting hurt, but I couldn’t help but feel like we were starting our lives off with deceit.  Sure, I knew I wasn’t referring to my deceit, but it was a lie by omission.  She deserved to know just what she was getting into.  And if she chose to leave me, so be it.  Okay, no, I’d fight her tooth and nail, throw her over my shoulder, lock her in her bedroom, and wear her down until she chose to stay with me … on her own.  Yes, that was a loose term, but that was how it was going to happen.

The night our parents came over for dinner was what solidified my decision to tell Paige all that I had learned.  I knew things had been tense between my mom and dad and between Paige’s parents, but when they learned they were going to be grandparents, it was like the bare glue holding them together suddenly turned to super glue, and they all miraculously made up.  Even my father’s self-satisfied expression that screamed he felt this was all his doing didn’t ruin the joyous mood that our baby had caused.  It was at that moment that I decided I needed to tell Paige the truth.  If creating a life could mend fences I wasn’t sure about, then it could mend her broken heart and make it even stronger.

I didn’t have to, but I felt like I should give our parents a heads-up on my plan.  They didn’t necessarily deserve to be part of my decision, but I felt, at least, our mothers should know.  It was near the end of dinner that Paige needed a breather.  It was my opportunity to tell them.

“I’m going to tell Paige the truth,” I whispered to the table.

“What are you talking about?” Emily asked.

“I’m telling Paige everything, from my part in it to all of yours.”

“I thought we all agreed to keep quiet so that Paige doesn’t get hurt?” Emily asked, her confusion clear.

“I know, but she deserves to know the truth.  She should know what she’s getting into before going into this marriage.”

“But you’re already married, dear,” my mom pointed out.

“Come on, Mom, you know what I mean.”  My frustration was clear.

“I know, Enzo, but I’m just confused as to what brought all this about,” she responded.

“Paige is an amazing woman, and I’m not giving her enough credit by keeping this from her.  She’s strong and she can handle it.”

“And if she won’t?  Or if she leaves you high and dry?” my dad asked.

“That’s a risk I have to take, but I can’t keep secrets from my wife.  I love her too much and respect her too much to do this.”

“She’ll hate us,” Ted pointed out.

“She’s a better person than all of us combined.  She’ll understand.”  I hope was left hanging in the air.  No one spoke for a minute, each person with a somber look on their faces, contemplating what I had just told them.

My father broke the silence. “This is a bad idea.”

“It’s not.” I raised my voice.  “I can’t keep this inside and not tell her.”

“Stupid boy,” he muttered before his voice turned commanding as if he were the leader of an Army squadron and I was forced to follow orders.  “Stop sulking. What good would it do to tell her everything?  You want to admit you were in this for the money?”

Did he really think that mattered?  I hadn’t told Paige my reasons for this marriage, but I’d tell her in a heartbeat.  It wasn’t just about the money anyway; it was about my mom.  I knew Paige would understand.  I had a brief moment of wondering why it had never been brought up.  “I don’t care about the money,” I responded.

“Oh, sure, now you don’t; now that you have it all.”

That was bullshit when I agreed to marry Paige, and it was bullshit now.  Sure, I liked the comfortable life my father’s money afforded me, but I’d live on the streets if I had to as long as I had Paige. I started to protest his absurd accusation, “That’s-” but was cut off.

“You want to tell her that her father and I concocted a scheme to get you two to marry, go ahead.”  That was the point, I didn’t want to, but I had to.  She needed to know everything surrounding this marriage.  I hated the thought of hurting her, but I hated keeping things from her more.

“You lied to us! You lied to her!  She deserves to know there was no debt, that there was no feud, no possibility of harm to any of her family members.” I paused, trying to find the right words, but there didn’t seem to be any, so I spoke the truth. “That she married me for no reason.”

My father wouldn’t give it up. “Changing your tune?” Yes, Father, I was. I was changing my tune because I loved Paige enough to trust she could survive this betrayal and come out stronger.  “Don’t you see, Enzo?  Everyone wins this way. You did exactly as you were told, you have a baby on the way, we get a grandchild, I don’t cut you off financially, and Paige is none-the-wiser, living happily ever after.”

              My arrogant father.  I knew what he meant when he said, “You did exactly as you were told.”  The last meaningful conversation we had was when he had stopped by unannounced to tell me that I needed to continue my “growth.”  I had progressed well with my marriage, but it was time to consider children.  We had heated words, but he finally left; only I had a sour taste in my mouth.  Paige came home just moments later and got the brunt of anger.  Did he really think Paige was pregnant because he told me that I should have children?  Arrogant wasn’t strong enough to describe him. “Because that’s exactly why I knocked up Paige.”  The sarcasm in my voice was apparent, so much so that I felt a small smile tug at my lips as my father reared back, the blow to his ego affecting him physically. “Because you told me to,” I added, my mockery not dissipating.  It wasn’t enough, though.  He needed, no, they needed to understand why this meant so much to me.

“You don’t know anything,” I told my dad before turning to the whole group.  “I’m going to be a father! I’m having a baby with Paige.”  The words weren’t coming out right.  I was going to have a baby, and I wanted my kid to be proud of me.  Thinking my wife was too weak to hear the truth and handle it, being afraid she’d leave me after finding out said truth was being a coward.  How could any child of mine be proud of me after that?  I wasn’t proud of me.

“Exactly,” my dad said.  “Don’t tell her anything, just stay and be happy, and everyone will, too.”  He didn’t get it.  I needed to explain myself better.

I didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I heard what sounded like a gut wrenching sob from just around the corner.  I froze.  We all froze.  How much had Paige heard?  Oh God, I didn’t want her finding out that way.  I wanted to be the one to sit down and tell her everything properly, be there for her, let her cry in my arms.

It was only after I heard the door open that I found movement again.  I called after her, but she wouldn’t stop.  I needed to get to her, but she was out of my sight before I even had a chance to truly comprehend what had happened.

I got in my car and drove the streets, trying desperately to find her, but it was no use.  I didn’t give up, though. I kept circling the area while Emily promised to call if Paige came back to the house.  I had tried her cell, but she had left it at home.  I didn’t know where she was; I just knew she needed me and I was going to be there for her one way or another.

I drove aimlessly for an eternity before my cell rang.  “Paige?” I cried, hoping it was her, knowing it most likely wasn’t.

“Enzo, it’s Nora.”  The tone of her voice wasn’t a happy one, and I felt the bottom of my stomach fall out.

“Where’s Paige?” I asked.

“I don’t want you to worry, but Paige is at Memorial Hospital.  I just got a call from one of the nurses.  Something’s wrong with the baby, and I’m on my way, but it will take me a few hours to get there.”

“I’m on my way.”  I had already turned around and was heading in the direction of the hospital the minute Nora said the name.  Paige had told Nora we were expecting after about a month.  According to Paige, Nora had simply joked, “So when are you making me an aunt?” to which Paige started crying, and bam, Nora knew.  She was ecstatic and called several times a week to check on Paige.  I loved that Nora was there for her.  I loved the smile on Paige’s face when she talked about it with her sister more.

Paige had apologized profusely to me for not keeping it a secret like we discussed.  I laughed as I smoothed her hair.  She had nothing to apologize for, and I let her know that.  “Paige, you are growing a piece of me in there,” I spoke as I put a hand on her stomach.  “I am so thankful to you.  Whatever you do is fine with me.  You want to write it in the sky, I’m all for it.  You want to announce it on the news, that’s great, too.  Never apologize to me.”

“I love you, Enzo.”

“I love you too, Paige.”  And then I showed her how much I loved her … three times.  She didn’t complain unless you count the moaning and screaming.

I made it to the hospital in record time.  I should have called our parents to let them know, but I wasn’t sure how Paige would feel about them right then, so I didn’t.  I felt a little guilty because I knew they were worried, but they weren’t my priority.  Paige was.

My heart sank when I walked into Paige’s room.  I’d seen her lying in bed a thousand times, and each time, watching her was better than the last, but not this time.  She looked so small even in the tiny room; the white walls making her pale complexion look ashen, the monitors surrounding her intimidating.  She was staring straight up, tears trailing down her cheeks.  I didn’t know true fear until I saw Paige like that.  If I lost her … if I lost her, I didn’t know what I’d do.

“Paige,” I whispered, and her head whipped to the side to face me; the pain in her eyes so vivid that I actually took a step back.

“What … what are you doing here?  How did you find me?”

Did she think I wouldn’t?  “Nora,” I answered.

“Traitor,” I heard her mutter softly, and I fought the smile.  That was the Paige I knew.

“Are you okay?” I asked, afraid to come closer.  “Is the baby okay?”

She pulled the blanket higher and held it tight in her hands as if that was some kind of protection.  I realized vaguely that it was protection against me.  I felt like someone had taken a hot iron to my heart and left it there to burn a small piece away each second … slowly … torturously.  This wasn’t Paige.  It scared me.

“There is no baby,” she answered, her voice cracking.

“What?”  I couldn’t grasp what she was saying.

“There is no baby,” she spoke louder, a harshness filling her voice.

“I don’t understand.”

“What’s there not to understand?” she asked.  “There’s no more baby, Enzo.”

“Oh God, Paige, I’m so sorry.” I ran to her bedside, the tears trailing down my own cheeks.

“Leave, Enzo,” she spoke as she pulled her arm from my grip.

“What are you talking about?  I’m not leaving you.”

“Don’t you get it?” she said, but I didn’t. I didn’t get anything.  “No more baby, no more ties.  You’re free,” she sneered, but I didn’t understand why.  “Get out, Enzo.  Leave.”  I didn’t move.  I was paralyzed. “I said leave!” she screamed.  “Go away.  Leave.”  She repeated the words, each time louder than the last.  I was torn between fighting her and staying or obeying her wishes.

“Please, Enzo, leave me alone.  Go away.  I don’t want you here.”  Her voice was breaking, the same as my heart.  I had nodded before I strode out of the room, my back to the door, my eyes not leaving Paige.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered just before I walked out of the room.  It might have been a whisper on the wind, but I thought I heard her say, “Me, too.”

*****

I had failed Paige.  I had failed her when she needed me the most.  She found out about our father’s betrayal in the worst way thanks to me; she lost our baby thanks to me, and then when she needed me to fight to stick by her side, I let her push me away.  I didn’t know how I made it home, but when I did, I told our parents we lost the baby and they needed to get the hell out of my house.

I could hear my mom and Emily’s sobs; I heard the pain in everyone’s voices; I even felt them trying to comfort me, but I didn’t want it, I didn’t deserve it.  I knew they all went to the hospital to visit Paige, but I later learned that she didn’t let them in.  I didn’t blame her.  I couldn’t face them, either.  I blamed them for my loss even thought it was all my fault.

I spent the night wallowing in self-pity, drinking glass after glass of bourbon until eventually I passed out.  I felt hollow inside.  I was missing a piece of myself, and I hadn’t carried a child for a few months, but that didn’t matter.  I had been excited to start a family with Paige.  I couldn’t wait to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl, watch as her body transformed with my child in it, be there to wipe the sweat off her brow as our child entered this world, and then be the first to hold him or her.  Not many guys would admit it, but we’re proud and protective, and we can and certainly do envision our futures when we’re happy.  My future had already started, and it consisted of Paige.  And now, a part of that future had been ripped away, as if someone had taken a chunk out of a piece of paper, leaving shredded pieces in its wake.  I could only imagine what Paige was going through, and I wasn’t man enough to take her cries and punches and be there for her.

I hoped that Nora had gotten to her and could be the solace I wasn’t able to.  I woke up early, the pounding in my head reminding me of what happened the previous night.  But somehow, it also sobered me. I had to get to Paige.