Three Loving Words (5 page)

Enzo

Paige was only two years younger than I was, but it felt like she was a little girl. I had called her that a few times, and she seemed to fit the bill.  But the first week at her new home, I should have dubbed her the little mouse.  She hid in her room as if I didn’t know what she was doing, but that was fine with me.  In fact, I figured that if she kept to herself, this marriage wouldn’t be so bad.

The little mouse had made her appearance after a week, and I guess I was the cheese because I saw her staring, mouth opened, wide-eyed at my body as I drank water.  I couldn’t see clearly from the corner of my eye, but there was no disdain in her gaze, only wonderment.  Damn if it didn’t make me swell a bit with pride; it also made other parts swell, too.

When I turned to face her, I got the full effect of her penetrating midnight blue stare.  It got me every time.  I had seen girls with eye colors that ranged from violet to plain brown, a wide array of blues mixed in, most of them staring at me from behind their lashes while on their knees in front of me.  Yeah, that was where my mind went.  But no one had eyes that color.  I drank her in as her eyes continued their sweep of my body.  She looked disheveled, not as well put together as I had seen her before.  Her face was free of makeup and her hair was tied loosely in a ponytail.  The tired bags under her eyes didn’t go unnoticed.  I had seen one too many women without makeup when I’d been too out of it to kick them out before the morning, and it usually wasn’t pretty.  Yet even as defeated as Paige looked, her natural beauty was something to write home about.

I was two seconds away from saying “Fuck it” to my hatred of her, putting on my charming smile, and doing what I had to do to get into Paige’s pants … the right way.  I felt the corners of my mouth start to tug up just as it seemed like she had snapped back to reality.  When her eyes met mine, she shrank back and physically took a step away from me.

It burned me in more places than I cared to admit.  It took all of my control to keep from boiling over and telling her off.  A part of me understood her reaction, but the asshole in me – the real me, I guess I should say – wanted to tell her she wasn’t a saint and had no right to judge me.  Hell, she was married to me, so what did that say about her?

I walked past her, probably too closely for either of our likings.  I was not sure she even realized it, but her body shirked away from mine.  I wanted to turn and press myself against her just to make a point, but I didn’t.  I didn’t need her or her high and mighty fucking attitude.  I could get any girl I wanted throwing themselves at me.

So that was just what I did.

I went out with some of my friends that night, found the first hot chick I saw, and then got her hot and heavy on the dance floor before whispering in her ear, “I like that dress on you, but I’d like me on you better.”  Yeah, those shit pick-up lines actually worked for me all the time.  I was not sure why I even cared, but I didn’t want the possibility of Paige walking in and seeing me pounding this chick like she could have with Trudy.

The girl was a pro and rode me as if she was trying to win the Kentucky Derby.  It wasn’t hard to concentrate on her tits bouncing up and down when they were right in my face, yet if I closed my eyes, even just to blink, I saw Paige’s blue eyes staring at me.  I could almost taste her lust, feel her wetness coating me, but then it would be all over and I would be staring at plain brown eyes.  It took longer to finish than usual, but what in the hell did I care?  I got mine, I was pretty sure the chick got hers, and when it was all said and done, she even knew the score and got dressed in record time.

“I’d offer you my number in case you wanted to do this again, but we both know this was a one-time thing so thanks.”

I smiled, liking that.  I put on some shorts and walked her out.  What could I say, I was a nice guy.  I was too busy trying to be quiet, Lord knows why – it was not as if we were keeping things down a few minutes before - to notice that the TV was on and there was the little mouse on the couch.

It was only after I had locked the door and turned that I saw Paige cuddling one of the throw pillows.  She truly looked like a little girl, and for the second time in a very short time, I felt like a real bastard.  I hadn’t ever looked down on myself, not since I was a kid.  My dad sure did, but I didn’t give a rat’s ass about what anyone thought. Yet here was Paige, the girl who was killing my life, and I was feeling like a fucking jerk.

I didn’t feel like this when she was awake and near me.  I wanted to punch a hole through the wall when she was around, but here, sleeping as she was, I wanted to tell her everything would be all right, even though I knew it wouldn’t be.  I felt like I was in some Lifetime movie bullshit my mom used to make me watch when I was a kid.  She would use it as a form of punishment, but I think she really just wanted to spend some extra time with me when I wasn’t running around trying to stab imaginary bad guys.  And here I was, a bystander to this charade Paige got us into, yet I was still the bad guy.

I took the blanket that had fallen off her shoulders and gently lifted it up higher to cover her.  She shivered momentarily before she sighed in her sleep and snuggled closer to the pillow.  She didn’t stir and I was thankful for that because I knew as much as I didn’t hate her right now, the minute she woke up, I would.

“You didn’t let me say it before,” I whispered so low I wasn’t even sure I could hear myself.  “I’m sorry, Paige.”  I stared at her peaceful face for another minute before I headed upstairs and fell into a dreamless sleep, wishing the morning wouldn’t come too soon.

Paige

The next few months were pretty much the same with regards to my interaction with Enzo.  I’d hide from him when I could and see him when I had to. He’d grunt at me, sometimes say my name, but mostly with a scowl on his face, and very rarely, he’d look pleased to see me. Those times scared me the most.  It was like a Mona Lisa smile – the “I know something you don’t know” type thing.  What could he possibly know about me that I didn’t?  What was he going to do that I had to be prepared for?

I saw my parents a few times, but my dad was mostly quiet while my mom decided to live in a little bubble and ignore the fact that I wasn’t happy.  She went on and on about how wonderful married life was and how great things were going to be.  I knew it was her way of coping, but it didn’t help me all that much.

Nora was the one who got me out of my funk.

“Leave him.” She attacked the minute I saw her for the first time in months.  We had met at a coffee shop when she had come back from school for the weekend.

“I can’t.”

“Look at you.  You don’t shine.”

“I never outshined you,” I tried to tease, even though it was sort of the truth.

“Paige!” she hissed.  “I don’t want to hear that bullshit out of your mouth.”

“What? It’s true,” I responded innocently.

“I don’t care if it is.  I don’t want to hear it.  I’ve already told you that I wasn’t the best sister, but I am your sister and I love you.  You’re not happy.  Why are you doing this?  You used to have a healthy glow about you.  It was a determined streak.  But now, you look defeated.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you’re stuck at home, avoiding your husband while listening to him have sex with other women at least once a week.  I have nothing to do.  I clean here and there, but a maid comes twice a week.  I’ve tried cooking a few times, but I’m cooking for myself.  It’s not like I’m going to make that asshole dinner.”

“I don’t get why he’s such a jerk,” Nora mused.  I wasn’t one hundred percent sure either, but I knew he blamed me for being married.  But it was not as if I cramped his style all that much, so what was the big deal?  I hadn’t told anyone, not even Nora, what happened on our wedding night.  I didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it.  But even if I had the courage to speak to Nora, I knew she’d drag me out of there, by my hair if she had to, and I couldn’t let that happen.  Gerry would put the debt back on Dad, and then supposedly, I would be in debt too, thanks to this sham marriage.

“That’s just Enzo, I guess.”  I didn’t really know the guy.  I’d lived with him for months now, and I didn’t know him, so it truly was just a guess.

“Why do you have to be stuck?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you sitting at home doing nothing instead of living your life?  Why aren’t you in school?”

“How can I afford it?”

“Um … last time I checked, your new father-in-law can afford to send you to school.”

“No way, no how.  I am not taking any money from them!  It’s bad enough that I am using them for living and food, but that’s where it ends.”  The vehemence in my voice had my sister putting her hands palms out in mock surrender.

“All right, all right. I just thought you might as well take advantage of the situation at hand.  But fine, I get it. How about loans? Financial aid?”

“No one is going to give me financial aid when I’m married to Enzo.”

“Okay, so get a job.”

“What could I do with a high school education and no experience?”

“I’ll help.  We’ll find you a job.  Besides, you can get personal loans if you just show some income.  You can go to community college to save money and then work your ass off to get academic scholarships.  If you do that, you can use the money you earn for yourself.”

I had actually thought about these things several times, but it felt useless when I was by myself in my room.  With Nora pushing me, it was starting to become something tangible, something I might actually be able to do.

We talked for a while longer, and it had ended up being one of the best days in a long time.  And she did help me find a job.  A friend of a friend’s dad was looking for an administrative assistant.  It wasn’t great pay and it was a little far from home, but I wasn’t picky.  I took the job faster than he had a chance to offer it.

The first day of work had actually been great.  I had allowed myself to use some of Gerry’s money to buy some new clothes.  I didn’t like doing it, but I only had a few items that would pass as business casual and I wanted to keep this job.  Everything I got had been on sale and I knew the amount I spent would probably have been laughable to Gerry. I reasoned it was okay, even though deep down, I hated spending their money.

Everyone had welcomed me and there was even a sweet lady in her sixties who had moved from the South.  She called me “honey” and “darlin’” all day and took me under her wing.  I hadn’t done much work that day as I spent most of the time trying to get acquainted with the company and the people. So all in all, it was good.

I had actually been singing to myself all the way home, the tune still carrying as I walked into the house.  I stopped short, though, when I saw Enzo sitting on the couch.  His face was turned to me, shock written across his features.  It felt kind of nice to know that I had surprised him, but it didn’t stop the lingering fears that still seeped into my pores even though he had kept his promise and didn’t touch me again.

His eyes roamed every inch of my body.  I felt naked and even lifted my hands as if to cover myself, but when I felt the safety of my clothes, I dropped them back down.  His eyes made their way to mine and the anger in them was palpable.

“Why are you dressed like that?” he sneered.  I didn’t think there was anything wrong with my outfit.  I had on a high-waist pencil skirt that went below my knees and a deep purple blouse with a very high neckline.  I was dressed rather conservatively, in fact.

“What’s wrong with how I’m dressed?” I asked, a touch of defiance covering my shaky voice.

“Where in the hell have you been?” he asked.  I didn’t understand why it even mattered.  He barely noticed when I was around, and what I did with my time wasn’t his concern.

“Answer me, dammit.”  He slammed the TV remote down and stood up, causing me to jump back with a start.

“I was at work,” I answered honestly, trying to calm my shaky nerves.

“Since when in the hell do you work?” His voice was a touch of confusion and a whole lot of irritation.

“Since today,” I shot back, not sure why he was making it such a big deal.  I would be out of his hair even more.  That should have pleased him, but he was so erratic, who in the hell knew with Enzo.  The longer he stayed silent, the more I thought about it and decided that I didn’t like his line of questioning.  It was my life!  I was going to do whatever I wanted with whatever life I had left to live.  If I wanted to scrape gum off chairs, then so be it, that was what I would do.

He had made his way closer to me, and I instinctively backed up so my back was pressed against the door I had closed at some point.  “Why in the hell do you need to work?”  This time, the question sounded sincere.

“To have an income.” I told him the truth.

“Look around, little girl,” he said as he waved his hand around the house.  “You don’t need an income.  You have plenty of money.”

“Correction.  You have plenty of money and I’ve already used enough of it.  Thank you very much for that.  I’ll pay you and your family back when I can, but I make my own living.”

“What in the hell is wrong with you?” he asked, getting in my face.  “You wanted this!  You made this happen, and now you don’t want it?  What the fuck does that mean?”

“I didn’t want this!  I didn’t want any of it!” I screamed back, bringing my face closer to his.

“Funny way of showing it, considering you married me!” he yelled back.

“You married me, too!”

“I didn’t have a choice,” he roared.

“Neither did I!”

We paused and looked at each other; our faces inches apart, both breathing hard, and I knew the fury in his eyes mirrored my own.

“You’re not working,” he spoke through clenched teeth.

“Why not?” I asked indignantly.

“Because …” He paused as if he was either looking for an answer or a way to put his thoughts into words.  “Because even though this is all bullshit, I’m still the head of this household and that means I provide.  You don’t work; I do.”

“But you don’t work!” I retorted.

“Because I don’t need to and I still provide,” he spoke calmly.

“Newsflash, this isn’t the eighteen hundreds.  Women work all the time; plenty of them are the breadwinners.  I could work if I wanted to.  And besides, you said it, this is all bullshit, so I don’t need you to provide.”

“You’re not working,” he grated, his face so close to mine, I could feel the warmth of his breath caress my face.

“I’m not taking your money,” I hissed back.

“You’re taking it now,” he pointed out

“I didn’t really have a choice.  I’m not taking more than I have to.”

“You’re not working,” he repeated.

“You can’t stop me.”

“You sure about that?” He laughed as he pulled his face back and studied mine.

“No, Enzo,” I told him.  “I’m not sure about anything in this life anymore, not since I married you.”

“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked, no longer in my face.

“It means this isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out, but I’m making the most of it.  And one thing I always knew I was going to do was work.  I was going to provide for myself.  So you’re not going to stop me.  Even if you rage at me every day, even if you tear me down like you love to, and even if you show up at my work and make a scene, it won’t make a difference to me.  I’m going to work.” I paused, but he didn’t have a response.

“This is good for both of us.  We’ll be out of each other’s hair, which means less conflict.  And I need to keep myself occupied.  You have your, er, extracurricular activities.”  His scowl turned into a smile, and if his smile was any indication, I was sure I blushed a million shades of red.  “I don’t have any.  This is my one activity, so you’re going to let this be.”

We were both silent for two excruciatingly painful and long minutes, where I watched him smirking and examining my face. For what?  No clue.  Maybe getting a feel for how serious I was about this?  Trying to gauge how much I’d fight him on this if I had to.

His silence unnerved me, but I wasn’t sure what else to say, what else to do.  In my mind, this conversation was over, but I had nowhere to really go.  It was not as if I could escape him, so I stayed in this tension-filled silence. Finally, he simply said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” I asked, completely dumbfounded.

“Yeah, you speak English?” He chuckled as if I had asked the most stupid question.  “I said okay.  If anyone asks, you tell them that you got bored sitting at home.  It’s a hobby. Whatever excuse you want, but if you tell them it’s because you’re providing for yourself, I’ll make you regret this.”  He turned and left.  Even when he was “nice,” he was an ass.  I sighed in relief.  At least, he wasn’t going to fight me on this.  Step one in my path to being independent was complete.  Next, it was time to work on getting into school.