Through His Eyes: An Institute Series Novella (The Institute Series Book 4) (3 page)

THE INCIDENT

Allira escaped the wedding reception early, using William as an excuse to leave.

Drew offered to drive them in Allira’s parents’ car, which had Will’s car seat, and then return to the reception so her parents still had a way to get home.

When they got back to the apartment, she asked Drew in for coffee.

I knew it was a mistake as soon as she suggested it, but could she hear me telling her that?

Drew made coffee while Allira put William down to sleep.

“You need to tell him to leave. You know I don’t like him,” I pleaded.

She walked out of her room and into the kitchen, still wearing her long red bridesmaid’s dress. Her hair was unpinned and flowed down her back in loose curls.

Damn, she looked sexy. But that wasn’t a good thing with
him
being around.

She smiled warmly at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

Good. She’s totally faking being happy that he’s here.

“Coffee?” he asked, holding out a freshly brewed cup. He surprisingly didn’t ogle her when she approached him.

“Oh my god, I love you,” she replied, snatching it out of his hand greedily.

He chuckled.
Actually freaking chuckled.
Ugh
.

They made their way to the couch in the living room, where they sat close to each other but not touching.

“So, how are you? Really?” he asked.

She threw her head backwards, resting it on the back of couch. “Fan-freaking-tastic,” she said sarcastically.

“I know today was hard for you. I’m just making sure you’re okay.” His hand moved to her knee in a reassuring gesture, but all it did was make me see red.

“He’s not good enough for you, Allira!” I yelled.

“My brother got married today. I’m happy for him.” She took a sip of her coffee.

“You don’t sound too convincing,” he said in reply, finally removing his hand from her leg. The five seconds it was there was five seconds way too long.

She pursed her lips in thought. “Yeah, okay, I’m a little bitter. But I truly am happy they have each other. Anyone’s lucky to have that.”

“Do you really think if they’d put the wedding off you’d feel differently?”

She let out a loud sigh. “I guess not.” She leaned forward and put her barely touched drink on the coffee table in front of them. He followed her lead.

Uh oh.

She moved closer to him and lay back, putting her head on his chest. “It’s just … it still hurts. So much,” she whispered.

He was awkward at first, not really knowing where to place his hands. I was pretty sure I could see the Adam’s apple in his throat bobbing as he swallowed hard. He finally wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in tight. “I know it does,” he whispered back.

They sat there for a while. She cried her heart out, and he just held her, rubbing her back in a soothing manner.

When she pulled away, sitting upright, she was wiping tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry I just dumped that on you. Maybe you should go.”

Good girl.

“Hey,” he said gently. He moved in closer, his hand reaching up to cup her face.

“Don’t you dare touch her like that!” I yelled. He continued to do it. “Shit!” My hands went to my hair, trying to pull out clumps of it.

“You can dump all the emotional crap on me you want. You need an outlet, Allira. You’ve been holding it in for too long. I’ve seen you. You’re not happy, and you’re not coping. You don’t have to pretend with me. You
never
have to pretend with me.”

Without warning, her lips met his.
She
kissed
him
.

He didn’t react at first, he kind of seemed taken aback by her sudden advance. But then he moaned and opened his mouth to her, pulling her in tighter and wrapping his arms around her.

His hand entangled in her hair as he leaned back on the couch, bringing her lips with him.

Without breaking apart, she climbed on top of him, straddling his lap. Their kiss escalated quickly and became frantic, making me want to throw up.

I always knew she’d move on eventually, but really?
Drew
?

Allira moved her hands to Drew’s shirt, undoing the top button.

He moaned again, but it came out more pained this time. His hands found hers on his shirt and held them still. Surprisingly, he broke the kiss.

“Allira,” he whined, breathlessly. He gently moved her off of his lap and stood up, running his hands through his hair. “We can’t do this.”

She looked at him with a confused expression. “Why not?”

He laughed, but it was a sad laugh. “Because you don’t actually want to. Are you forgetting that when you touch me, I practically become like Tate? I could hear your brain screaming at you to stop.”

She didn’t respond, just hung her head, embarrassed. “You … you don’t want me?”

“Are you insane? I’ve wanted this for as long as I’ve known you.” He started pacing in front of her. “I mean, I haven’t really thought of you that way since finding out about William, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t jump at the chance to be with you, to give us a real shot … if you actually wanted it. But you don’t, and I’m not the same guy I was when I met you. I’m not going to put my selfish wants above your feelings. I’d rather have you as only a friend than not at all. If we were to … you know … it’d ruin us. I know it would.”

Allira hung her head in her hands. She knew he was right. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, starting to sob again.

He sat back down next to her on the couch, putting his arm around her. “Don’t … You’re in pain and you want comfort. It’s just … with our history…” He sighed. “I just can’t be the distraction you’re looking for.”

Holy shit. I think I just started to like the bastard.

“Can we just forget this ever happened?” she asked, timidly.

“Maybe we should ask your mum to erase it for us,” he joked.

She giggled, but then got a look in her eye that scared the crap out of me. I did
not
want to know what she was thinking. A lightbulb practically appeared over her head.

“I really don’t want to be rude, but do you mind if you get going? I kind of just want to shower and go to bed,” she said, suddenly faking an innocent demeanour.

“This isn’t going to make it weird between us, is it? Please tell me we’re not going to resort to only seeing each other when you come for your meetings at the Institute now?”

“That’ll never happen,” she said, smiling politely. “And it’s still weird to me that
you’re
the director now.” She giggled.

So fake.

He laughed with her. “It’s only my first week. It’s still weird to me, too.” He leaned in and kissed the side of her head. “I’ll leave you to it. We’ll catch up soon, okay?”

She nodded and walked him to the door, the look of determination never wavering from her face. How Drew wasn’t picking up on it was beyond me.

“Allira, what the hell are you planning?” My question went unanswered, as usual.

FORGETTING

“Mum?” Allira asked tentatively. They arrived home not long after Drew left. They’d probably been waiting for him to get back with their car.

Allira had just gotten out of the shower, having washed the thick wedding makeup off and the stiff spray out of her hair.

“Have you given Liam his bottle?” Seph asked as she tidied the kitchen.

Allira shook her head. “He fell asleep without it. And for the last time – his name is William.”

Seph sighed. “You do know that means he’ll be awake in a few hours screaming for it, right?”

“Well what do you want me to do? Wake him so he can feed? He’ll let me know when he’s hungry.”

“You know how important it is to get him into a routine.”

“He’s two months old! I don’t know how much more of a routine he can get in considering all he’s doing is sleeping and feeding.” Allira’s anger was boiling. Her nose flared, her cheeks flushed pink, and if she glared at her mother any harder, Seph may’ve exploded. She threw her hands in the air. “Why don’t you do it if you know so much more than me?” she yelled.

“What are you talking about?” Seph snapped, throwing the dish towel on the bench.

Suddenly Allira wasn’t so angry anymore. She lowered her head, gazing at the floor. “I … I can’t do it anymore,” she practically whispered.

“Can’t do what, sweetie?” Seph said, matching Allira’s defeated tone.

“I want to forget.”

“Lia, what are—”

“Please, make me forget him?”

“Forget who?”

“Chad. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. He’s everywhere. Every time I look at William, I see his face. Every time I look into those eyes, I see the light fading from Chad’s. I want it all to go away. I can’t do it, I can’t do it.” She sobbed as she sank to the floor in the middle of the room.

Seph went and picked her daughter up off the ground as I stumbled back, leaning against the wall for support. Her words cut through me, and caused more pain to take over me than when I was shot.

I’m doing this to her.

Her mum hugged her, squeezing her tight as Allira continued to cry. “You’re not asking … what I think you’re asking are you?”

What is she asking?

“Please can you erase him for me?” Allira pleaded.

“You want to forget me?” I yelled irrationally.

“Lia, you don’t want to do that.”

“It’s too hard without him,” she sobbed.

“I know it’s hard, but—”

“You have no idea how hard this is!” Allira yelled, pulling away from her mother.

“You think I don’t know what you’re going through? Are you forgetting that I had to live without your father, without you and Shilah, for eight years?”

“That was by choice! We weren’t ripped away from you!”

“You don’t think it was hard for me to stay away when I knew you were right there but couldn’t go to you without putting your lives at risk? That the thing I wanted most in the world was right at my fingertips but I wasn’t allowed to have it?”

“It’s completely different. We were still a possibility. Chad isn’t. He never will be.”

“He
is
a possibility – in William.”

“It hurts too much.”

I’m not ashamed to admit it – I sank to the ground and cried. She wanted to erase me.

“I can’t do what you’re asking,” Seph said.

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“Both. My ability doesn’t work like that, and what you’re asking is wrong. William has already lost his father, he can’t lose his mother, too.”

“He’d be better off without me,” Allira mumbled.

“No, he wouldn’t be,” I said, pleading for her to hear me. “He needs you.”

“Lia—” Seph started.

“I’m going to bed,” Allira said, turning and storming down the hall to her room where our son was sleeping.

Seph was shaking. She pulled out a chair from the dining table, sinking into it slowly.

Allira’s dad, Miles, walked in, rushing to Seph’s side the instant he saw the look on his wife’s face. “What happened?”

“She …” Seph sobbed. She cupped her hand over her mouth. “She wanted me to erase him.”

“Huh?”

“Allira. She asked me to erase Chad.”

“Can you do that sort of thing?” he asked.

“You think I should?” she raised her voice.

“I don’t know!” He threw his hands up in the air. “We have to do something. She’s miserable.”

“This isn’t the answer. She’ll never move on if she can’t learn to deal with him.”

“So take him out of the equation.”

Wow. So much like his daughter.

“You don’t mean that.”

“We’re all at the end of our rope here, Seph!”

“Anything could go wrong. She might end up forgetting her entire life. I’m not doing it! End of discussion!” It was Seph’s turn to storm down the hall.

Alone with Miles, it was the first time I’d seen him truly broken. His heart was aching for his daughter, and he didn’t know how to fix it. I knew this because his expression mirrored my own. I didn’t know how to fix her, and I was being forced to sit by and watch her deteriorate into someone I didn’t even know. Or like.

When I blinked again, I was in Allira’s room, watching over her as she sobbed into her pillow again.

She should probably give that thing a wash. Probably not the thing I should be focusing on.

She sat up quickly, determination written all over her face. “If she won’t do it, I’ll do it myself,” she muttered to herself.

“No! Allira, don’t do this. You can’t.”

She scrambled to her desk, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and then sat on her bed with her back against the wall. Facing William’s cot, she watched him as he slept. Her breaths were deep, and came in ragged.

Hesitating for the briefest of moments, a tear fell down her cheek, landing on the notepad on her lap.

Then she started writing.

He’s better off without me.

I’m better off without him.

I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much, but despise seeing him every day. And I do. I see HIM every day. William’s hair, his eyes, his smile … they all came from HIM. William’s the constant reminder that Chad’s not here, and it’s my fault he has to grow up without a father.

Doing this will mean he won’t have his mother, but if I’m completely honest with myself, he deserves better than me anyway. I’m doing this for him.

He deserves someone who can look at him and not see death. Someone who will love him because he’s a beautiful child with a big heart, just like his father. At least, I hope he turns out like his father.

Chad was strong, and I broke him. Everything is my fault. I can’t deal with the guilt anymore.

“Allira, stop. Please stop. I can’t take this anymore.”

She dropped the notepad on her bed, stood up, and walked over to William’s cot. Standing beside her, I looked over her shoulder and down at our sleeping child.
Our gorgeous child.

He’d grown so much in the two months since he was born. Time seemed to be moving extremely fast but in slow-motion at the same time. It made no sense, and yet it’s how it always seemed to be in life. And death, evidently.

Allira leaned over William’s cot and picked up the sleeping child.

He sucked in a startled breath, but didn’t open his eyes. His big, pouty lip wobbled in and out of his mouth a few times before his breathing became drawn out and heavy again.

William didn’t flinch or even register that he’d been moved from his warm, safe bed. He felt safer in his mother’s arms.

Allira was a natural at being a mum, and yet she thought she was failing. No one ever saw these moments where it was just Allira and William. She looked at him so lovingly, with so much awe. No one would’ve even been able to tell how much it was killing her to be that close to him.

“This is for the better,” she whispered to him, running her forefinger down his cheek. “I promise you, William, you will never be lonely. Your entire family loves you, and they will dote on you always. I can’t … I just can’t do it anymore. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.”

She kissed his forehead and breathed in his scent before placing him back in his cot. She wiped away her tears and stood straighter, her confidence and determination returning.

I remained silent, because of many reasons – she couldn’t hear me anyway, it would’ve been pointless – but mainly because I had nothing to say.

She stepped away from the cot, left the room, and trudged down the hallway. The sound of the spare bedroom clicking shut echoed through the apartment, or maybe it was just the ringing in my ears.

She was giving up, and I wanted to join her.

What’s the point of trying when the thing you’re fighting for no longer exists?