Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (12 page)

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BOOK: Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck

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2
Next, make the marinade: Stir everything together in a saucepan over medium-low heat and bring it to a simmer. Add the tempeh and carrots and gently stir them around. They won’t all be covered, just fucking make it work the best you can. After everything simmers together for about 30 seconds, turn off the heat and pour it all into a shallow dish like a pie pan or some shit. Cover that up and stick it in the fridge to marinate for at least 4 hours and up to 8. Yeah, plan ahead, you lazy fuck. We told you to read the goddamn recipe first.

3
When you’re ready to assemble your sandwiches, fry up your tempeh and carrots: In a large skillet or wok, heat up the oil over medium heat. Lay the tempeh and carrot planks down in one layer and cook them until the tempeh starts to brown, 2 to 3 minutes on each side. The carrots can cook a little faster so keep an eye on that shit. When it starts to look a little dry in there, or the tempeh feels like it might be sticking, just add a couple spoonfuls of the marinade.

4
Once the tempeh is browned on both sides, then you are ready to make a badass sandwich. Pile lettuce, tomato, avocado, and red onions onto your favorite toasted bread with a little mustard. Add a layer of carrot planks and then the tempeh, close that motherfucker up, and go to town. If you need more help with how to assemble a sandwich, check around on the Internet, then go cry yourself to sleep.

GINGER-MUSHROOM
SUMMER ROLLS

These are like sexy, chilled, see-through burritos. Pass them around at a party and watch everyone be like “Daaammn.”

MAKES 10 TO 12 ROLLS THAT WILL HAVE PEOPLE TALKING FOR WEEKS

FILLING

8 ounces mushrooms*

3 cloves garlic

½ teaspoon neutral-tasting oil like grapeseed

1½ teaspoons soy sauce or tamari

1
⁄
3
cup minced green onions

2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger

½ teaspoon toasted sesame oil

SWEET AND SOUR DIPPING SAUCE (OPTIONAL)

½ cup rice vinegar

2 tablespoons sugar

2 to 3 teaspoons chili-garlic paste**

1 teaspoon lime juice

¼ cup chopped peanuts

ROLLS

6 lettuce leaves

1 cucumber

1 carrot

1 cup fresh herbs***

1 pack of large spring roll wrappers/rice paper wrappers****

1
Trim and slice the mushrooms into strips no thicker than your finger and mince the garlic. Heat up the neutral oil in a wok or skillet over medium heat. Add the mushrooms and sauté until they start releasing a bunch of liquid, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the soy sauce, green onions, ginger, and garlic and cook until most of that liquid shit evaporates, about 2 more minutes. Add the toasted sesame oil, stir to combine, and turn off the heat. Put the filling on a plate to cool and take a second to wipe down the wok; you’ll be saving yourself clean up time later. You’re fucking welcome.

2
If you are making the dipping sauce, do that shit now. Throw the vinegar and sugar into a small saucepot and bring it to a simmer over medium heat. Let that cook for about 4 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in the chili paste and lime juice and turn off the heat. Once it cools for a couple minutes, pour that shit into a glass and stick it in the fridge. Hold tight on those peanuts.

3
Now let’s chop some fucking veggies. This recipe is pretty flexible when it comes to fillings, so feel free to use what you’ve got. Just make sure that you have some lettuce, something crunchy (like cucumber and carrots), and at least one herb. Almost anything tastes good in here. Just cut everything up except the lettuce into strips about 2 inches long. Cut the lettuce into thirds.

4
Now for the real bougie shit. Warm about 3 inches of water in the same wok or skillet you cooked the mushrooms. You want the water hot but not so hot you can’t put your hand in it. Like tea temperature or some shit like that. Turn off the heat. Place one spring roll wrapper flat in the water for 10 to 15 seconds until it becomes bendy like a noodle. Let the extra water drip off and lay that translucent son of a bitch down on a plate.

5
Fold the wrapper in half so that it looks like a flat taco, straight edge on the bottom. Lay down a lettuce leaf, about 2 fingers’ worth of veggies and herbs, and a scoop of the sautéed mushrooms on the left side of the semicircle wrapper thing you’ve got going. Fold the wrapper over once, left to right, and then fold the bottom up like a burrito. Continue rolling kinda tightly and press the end flap gently against the roll. If you can make a burrito then you already have this shit on lock. Keep making rolls until you run out of filling.

6
To serve, add the chopped peanuts to the dipping sauce and go to town. Finished rolls will keep in the fridge for about 2 days but if you haven’t eaten them by then, you’re fucking crazy.

*
Enoki, shiitake, button, whateverthefuck you find is cool
.

**
You can find this by the soy sauce in the store
.

***
A combo of cilantro, mint, and basil is so fucking good, but use whichever of those you can find
.

****
They look like a stack of white paper frisbees. They are usually near the soy sauce at the store and are cheap as fuck
.

HERBAL HAZE

Fresh herbs, get to know ’em
. We call for a lot of dried herbs in this book because they’re cheaper and easier to keep on hand for whenever you need to get down in the kitchen. They’re great for adding to a dish early in the cooking process because they need time to moisten up and release all their tasty flavors. But if you are looking to kick any meal up a notch, just use fresh herbs. They obviously taste a little fresher and brighter than their dried out bastard brothers and can be a simple way to mix shit up.

In general, dried herbs are more concentrated than fresh, so you’ll want to multiply any dried herb measurement by 3 if you sub in the fresh shit. So like 1 teaspoon dried thyme in a recipe would be 3 teaspoons/1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves. Boom. Also, if your dish looks generally fucked up, just sprinkle on some chopped fresh herbs like parsley, basil, or cilantro at the end and it will look all artisan and shit. Works every time.

BARLEY-STUFFED PEPPERS

Barley is a goddamn delicious grain that looks a lot like rice, but tastes more peppery. it’s also full of good shit for you like manganese, dietary fiber, selenium, and niacin. So why the fuck wouldn’t you try it?

MAKES 4 STUFFED PEPPERS

2 tablespoons olive oil

½ onion, chopped

2 ribs celery, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

3 to 4 cloves garlic, minced

2 teaspoons dried thyme

1½ teaspoons dried oregano

1 cup pearled barley

1 tomato, chopped (about ½ cup)

2 tablespoons sherry vinegar or red wine vinegar

2 cups vegetable broth

½ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon ground pepper

4 bell peppers, whatever color you find is cool

1½ cups cooked kidney or white beans
*

¼ cup chopped fresh parsley

1
In a medium pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until it starts turning golden, about 3 minutes. Add the celery, carrot, garlic, thyme, and oregano and cook for another 2 minutes. Throw in the barley, tomato, and vinegar and stir. Add the broth, salt, and pepper and let it come to a low simmer. Cook, uncovered, until all the broth is absorbed and the barley is tender, about 15 minutes.

2
While the barley is simmering, heat your oven to 375°F. Cut the tops off the bell peppers and scrape out any seeds. Place them in an oiled pie plate or loaf pan, something where their asses won’t be sliding around once they’re stuffed.

3
When the barley is done, fold in the beans and turn off the heat. (This filling can even be made a day or two ahead of time, no fucking problem.) Fill the bell peppers up to the top with the filling, cover them tightly with foil, and bake until the peppers are tender, 45 minutes to 1 hour. Let them rest for 5 minutes after coming out of the oven, ’cause those fuckers are hot. Top with the parsley and serve.

*
Or one 15-ounce can