Tiana (Starkis Family #3) (31 page)

“Shh.” He kissed my lips tenderly. “I would never say that. Did you ever tell Mia about what happened?”

“No.” I gripped the shoulders of his black BOSS T-shirt, wondering if it would be enough to make him stay. “I was too ashamed.”

“You had nothing to be ashamed of, angel.”

I loved that he wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty for the mess I’d made of my life, but I knew the truth. I’d trusted the wrong boy, been reckless, antagonized my father… all of those events had led to my baby’s death. I was responsible. I was to blame. That was why I could never put another child at risk. I didn’t deserve to have a family, and I certainly didn’t deserve to be happy.

“You’re wrong, Damon. So wrong.”

***

Damon

I hated to watch her torture herself for what had clearly been an accident, but I knew nothing I could say or do would change her long-held beliefs. The story she’d just told me was at the heart of her commitment issues, and I had to get to the bottom of it and figure out what that scared girl had been thinking when she was lying in a hospital bed all alone, waiting to find out whether her baby had survived.

I tried to find the strength to ask the question I knew I had to. “Sweetheart, I know you didn’t have a lot of time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, but do you think you would have kept the baby or put him or her up for adoption?”

“I prayed…” Her voice broke before she sank her teeth into her lower lip. “Like I hadn’t prayed since he kicked my mama out.”

The letter was burning a hole in my pocket. It killed me to think of how she would react when she found out the truth about the woman she thought of as a helpless victim.

“I wanted that baby.” Tears spilled down her cheeks, and she brushed them away as quickly as they fell. “I know it may seem crazy. I was just a kid myself, but I wanted someone to love me, and I knew my baby would. I’d be there for them. They’d be there for me. We’d have had each other. We wouldn’t have needed anyone else.”

She was painting an idealistic picture, and I was certain she knew it too. But Eleni wasn’t an optimistic woman. She didn’t look for a cloud’s silver lining. She always expected the rain.

“I’m so sorry for everything you lost, love.” The words sounded hollow, but I meant them with every fiber of my being. If there was anything I could have done to take away her pain, I would. “But if you wanted that baby so much, why can’t you imagine what it might be like to—”

She cut me off with a definitive shake of her head. “I can’t take that kind of risk again. It changed me the first time.” She scooted off my lap and returned to the chair.

I watched her, her head bowed and hands thrust in the hair hanging over her beautiful face. I didn’t know who was more afraid, her of the telling or me of the asking. “Changed you how?”

“I ended up in a really dark place.”

When she finally lifted her head, the empty look in her eyes gave me chills. I could almost see the dejected girl who’d checked out on life. “But you got better.”

“Did I?” Her laugh was harsh, completely humorless. “Or did I just get really good at pretending?” It was as if she’d slipped beneath a dark veil that had covered all of the beauty and light I’d always associated with her.

“You can’t go through your life pretending, Eleni.”

“Can’t I?” She sat up straighter. “I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it so far. You never would have guessed how messed up I was if my old man hadn’t outed me.”

Her anger was eclipsing her sadness now, and I knew she was slipping away from me. Desperate to hold on, I said, “There are people who can help you. I saw an excellent therapist when I—”

“Stop!” She held up her hand. “I don’t need someone to try to piece me back together again. It’s a lost cause. I accepted that a long time ago. You need to do the same.”

I lowered myself to one knee, thinking that I would give anything to be down on my knee for another reason. As broken as she felt, as elusive as happiness may have seemed to her, I still wanted more than anything to prove to her that it was possible. “I’m not giving up on you.”

Her expression was one of pity. “You’re too smart, too cynical, too much like me to believe in fairy tales, Damon.” She tapped the face of her oversized designer watch. “It’s time to go.”

Eleni

He’d left the envelope behind without a word. I assumed it was a letter he’d written to me, but when I opened it and recognized the familiar writing, I crumbled. Falling to the floor by the chair, I read my mother’s words, or as many of them as I could. The paper was old and worn, the ink streaked, the language only vaguely familiar to me now, but I got the gist of it. My father hadn’t kicked my mother out. She’d left voluntarily. For another man.

Without me.

What kind of mother abandoned her own child?

I pulled my legs up, wrapping my arms around them as I thought about the special moments we’d shared: baking cookies, riding our bikes, laughing as we danced around the living room when no one else was around. She
had
been a good mother. Though lost and obviously feeling as alone as I did now, she’d found comfort in the arms of a stranger—a man who’d clearly left her to fend for herself after he’d convinced her to leave her family.

I couldn’t think of my mother without thinking of my father too. He’d been merciless at times, but I had glimpsed a softer, gentler side too. When he’d read me a bedtime story or taught me how to play the piano. I remembered his laugh. Perhaps because it had been so rare, it was one of the few good things I’d held on to. I couldn’t help but wonder what his life had been like since I’d left. Had he missed me? Had he ever wondered about me? I had to assume so since he’d reached out to me before he died.

I thought of the story Chad had shared with me, the memories that still haunted him, the things he’d never shared with the love of his life. He’d encouraged me to take a chance on Damon, reminding me that life was precious and fleeting. My father’s death proved that.

I questioned whether I had the courage to give all of myself to Damon. He would accept nothing less. He wasn’t in this for the short haul. He wanted it all—the good, bad, and ugly. But there was so much ugly.

Looking around my small apartment, I saw my past and future. The only framed photos were of friends, no family. The only sign of success was a designer purse and an expensive pair of shoes. The only sound, the hum of a refrigerator that had outlived its usefulness. That was my life. Everything I had. Everything I was. The face on the cover of a glossy magazine, a mannequin with no feelings. The analogy made me feel weak with fear. Was that what I wanted? A life without meaning? A body with no soul? A heart too battered and afraid to love or take chances?

Stumbling to my feet, I stuffed the envelope in my purse and made my way toward the door. I knew what I had to do. I just prayed it wasn’t too late.

***

Damon

The scotch burned going down, but it was exactly what I needed to silence the voice inside my head that reminded me I’d never been a quitter. Yet there I was, quitting on one of the few people who’d ever mattered to me. I’d wanted to help her, to hold her, to love her the way no one else had ever had the courage to, but I didn’t know how, not when she kept pushing me away. Loving someone who was so resilient on the outside yet so broken on the inside was exhausting.

Looking out at the view she’d so often admired, I wondered how she’d felt when she came to the big city with only her best friend’s hand to hold. How many nights had she cried herself to sleep or longed for the baby she’d lost? How many men had she gotten lost in, using them to escape all the things she couldn’t bear to face? Maybe that was what I’d been—an escape. A reprieve from the loneliness.

When the door opened and she stood there in the same dress she’d been wearing earlier, I questioned whether it was a dream.

“The door wasn’t locked,” she whispered, walking slowly toward me. “I thought about knocking, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being turned away.”

I’d never seen her look more defenseless. Her dress was wrinkled, her hair tangled, her high heels replaced by flip-flops. Her makeup was smeared, but it was her trembling hands that really did me in. She gripped my glass with both hands and downed the last of the rare amber liquid I hoped would soothe her.

“I read the letter.” She set the glass down before reaching for the tie on the robe I’d slipped on when I got out of the shower. “She ran.”

I sucked in a breath as her fingernail grazed my chest. I didn’t know why she’d come to me. Was it because she couldn’t bear to be alone after she’d learned the truth, or was it because I was the only one who could love her enough to help her heal? More than the next beat of my heart, I wanted it to be the latter.

“I’m not like her.” She was clearly fighting back tears, her lip trembling. “I wouldn’t leave my child behind to start a new life. I’d be the very best mom I could be, even when it got hard.”

I loved that she was even entertaining the possibility to being a mom someday. “I know, babe.” I closed my eyes when she wrapped her tiny hand around my shaft as she trailed her lips down my neck.

“I know I’ve given you every reason to doubt me, but I’d be a good wife.” She flicked her hot tongue over my earlobe before tugging at the bow securing her dress at the back of her neck. She stepped out of it, baring herself to me in a way she never had. “I know I’ll make mistakes.” She guided my hand to her breast as she widened her stance. “But you won’t give up on me, will you?”

I wanted to banish the uncertainty I saw in her eyes. She had no idea how I felt about her. No idea that I could comb every inch of the globe and never find another woman who made me feel the way she did. “I’ll never give up on you.”

“Promise?” She cradled my face, her eyes pleading for reassurance. “If I give you my heart, my love, my devotion, my body, a ring, will you promise to never let me go?”

“Oh, sweetie.” I pulled her close, feeling her heart beating against mine. “On my death bed, I’ll still be thanking you for giving my life meaning. I swear.”

She sobbed and giggled at the same time. She sniffled as she asked, “How do you know I won’t die first?”

I grinned before kissing her. “Because I won’t let you.”

Her heated gaze traveled down my chest as she licked her lips. “Take me to bed.”

“On one condition.” I wanted her to understand that after this, there’d be no means of escape.

“Anything.”

“Marry me.”

Her face lit up as if I’d just presented her with the Hope diamond instead of two little words that barely passed for a proposal. “Done.”

“Really?” I didn’t know why, but I’d feared there may be a bit more resistance left in her.

She smiled. “What? Were you calling my bluff? You didn’t expect me to say yes? If you want to take it back—”

“No!” She laughed when I picked her up and spun her around, making our way down the hall. “Is tomorrow too soon for you?”

She laughed. “You can’t get a marriage license that quickly.”

“Babe, you forget who you’re talking to,” I said, throwing her on the bed. “I’ve got some pull in this town.”

Her eyes teased my body as her finger beckoned me closer. “Mmm, I think I might like being Mrs. Damon Starkis.”

I thrust my hands into her hair as I tipped her head back for my kiss. “Oh, trust me, you’ll love it.” I didn’t have to ask whether she was ready to take me. I knew she was. Sliding into her, I whispered, “You’re my life, Eleni.”

“I’m an important part of your life,” she corrected, closing her eyes when I linked my hands with hers and thrust deeper. “So is Dalia.”

I couldn’t think about my daughter when I was making love to Eleni. My lips grazed the dips and hollows I knew I would spend a lifetime worshipping as my body found a steady rhythm that quickly brought her release.
My fiancée.
I couldn’t believe, as she locked her heels at the base of my back and gripped me tighter, that she was all mine. I’d never have to worry about losing her. There were no more secrets between us…

The timing may have been awkward, but as she urged me to completion, moaning my name, her father’s last words came back to haunt me. I knew it would hurt her to hear them, but I couldn’t live with any more secrecy. I wanted to protect her, but no one knew better than I did how strong and resilient she could be.

She wrapped her body around mine. “I love you so much. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize I don’t want to live without you.”

My smile broadened. I’d waited too long to hear her say those words. “I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.” I edged off of her and pulled the blanket up to cover us when a shiver moved through her. Wrapping her in my arms, I kissed the top of her head. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“It’s a lot to take in. Finding out you have a daughter, then learning about my father’s death and reading that letter…”

“Speaking of your father…” I felt her tense, and I questioned whether this was the best time to bring it up. “He gave me a message to give you. Do you want to hear it now?”

She tipped her head back to look at me. “I don’t know. Do I?”

I was touched that she trusted me to know what was best for her. “He wanted you to know that he loved you. He acknowledged he’d been a terrible father, but he maintained that he loved you.”

“Did you believe him?”

I didn’t know what she wanted to hear, but I had to be honest with her. “He seemed sincere.”

“Hmm.” She kissed my chest before resting her hand over my heart.

“You have to forgive them, sweetheart.” I knew it was easy for me to pass judgment without having lived her life, but I couldn’t stand the thought of her past hindering our future happiness.

She sighed. “I know. It’ll take some time, but I’m determined to work through this. You’ll help me?”

The tentative question broke my heart. It would take a long time before she learned to trust that I would always be her rock. “I’ll help you any way I can.”