Tied Up In Heartstrings
Read Tied Up In Heartstrings Online
Authors: Felicia Lynn
By Felicia Lynn
Table of Contents
To the ones
who make my life worth living:
Michael & Skylar, You will never know the depths of my love for you two. Thank you for making me
smile everyday.
Published by Felicia Lynn
Copyright © 2013 Felicia Lynn
First Edition: 2013
Cover Art By: Robin Harper at Wicked by Design
Editing by: Book Peddler's Editing
Proofreading by: Tabitha Jorgensen
Formatting by:
Tami Norman
Song lyrics written by: Raymond Jorgensen
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is no authorized, associated with, or sponsored by trademark owners.
My quiet house now has a revolving door. People are bringing more food than anyone could ever use. Most of them seem to have forgotten that they never really liked me! I’ve always been a little too outspoken with my thoughts and opinions. Some consider it a character flaw, since the input isn’t well received, usually. But, I’m okay with it, because I refuse to be a rug for people to walk all over. I know who my real friends are. Everyone else, who wishes to stand beside me acting as if they’re supportive in this tragedy, I could totally do without. I’m not even sure why they’re here. Is it the media coverage, the drama, or do they need someone to feel sorry for? I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I have a few close friends, and I have my family! That’s all I need right now, except…I need to get out of here…NOW!
I cross the expanse of this far too big home that Jed designed for us. I’ve loved every minute of living in it for the past five years, but now I feel like I’m drowning in it. It’s filled with memories. Memories, which crash into me, like a wave with a massive undertow, dragging me under. This house is my dream home…
or was.
Who gets to build their dream home for their very first home? Jed, the perfectionist, does.
He always strived to give us everything we wanted or wished for, sacrificing time with Sierra and me to provide it all. That precious man didn’t have it in him to say no to us. He wasn’t wired to reject us in any way. I wish he could’ve been satisfied providing a more simple life for us. Maybe if he hadn’t been so obsessed with building his career, being more and more successful, he would be here now. We would all be whole and complete.
I walk into the kitchen, where my brother, Jason, and his wife, Kate, are sitting at the farm table talking softly. I know they’re talking about me, since they stop speaking as soon as they notice me walking into the room.
“What’s up, babe? How was your nap? It doesn’t look like you slept any!”
Really, who could possibly sleep when their entire world has just crumbled around them? I feel like I’m buried in the rubble of that plane crash, too. Yet, all I hear from those around me is how important it is to take care of myself. What Idiots! They have no idea what I’m going through, and if they do, then they’re just asses for suggesting such a thing.
“Jason, I need to leave. I need to get out of town for a little while.” Jason, who has been my white knight forever, is the perfect example of an overprotective big brother. I’m usually opposed to his control freak tendencies, but I’m happy he’s here with me dealing with this nightmare. A nightmare is the only way to describe it. Only when I wake up, it’s still very much real. I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and there’s no way to fill it. And continually explaining to a three year old that Daddy isn’t coming home is hard and mentally draining. She doesn’t understand. I’m not sure she will anytime soon.
“Alexis Nicole, you can’t escape this. I get that you need some time to pull yourself together, but, babe…you’ve got a little girl who will be coming home from Cami’s any minute. You can’t just run away like the old days. She needs you. She just lost her daddy. She can’t lose you, too. You’re what she’s clinging to. Hold it together, even if you have to fake it. Damn it, you’re staying, no running! Got it?”
Ah shit…he used my full name. I know he’s serious and very worried. Our mother and father have always been absentee parents, assholes really. But having Jason as a big brother meant I was never really alone. Right now, he’s my
gate-keeper. I’ve only had to speak to a few people since the funeral, and I’m so very grateful for that.
“UGH…I know that! I would
NEVER
leave her behind, no matter how badly I want to run away. But she needs an escape too. We can’t just stay here and wait for him to walk thru the door every night, Jason. He’s not coming back. Do you realize what it’s like for us every night?
We
can’t do this anymore.”
The look on his face tells me he’s trying to understand. He’s crushed too, not just for Sierra and me. He’s hurting because Jed was his best friend, as well his brother in law. They were best friends in college and worked at the same architectural firm up until…well…the crash. Yet, here he is, as always, holding me up when he’s hurting. He’s so strong, too strong, the strongest and most loyal person I know.
“Yes, babe, I know. I wish I could fix this. I would do anything for this nightmare not to be our reality. I hate seeing my sister falling apart. I can count on one hand the number of times you’ve cried over the years. Now, I can only remember the few times, over this past week and half, I haven’t seen tears staining your face. I get it, you’re grieving. We all are, but YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THIS PAIN by running. It’s going where your heart goes, because that’s what’s broken, sweetie. Our best chance of surviving this is to be strong together. Because when you’re falling down, you have all of us here for you to pick you up. I promise you, I’ll be here to help you! But, when I’m missing my best friend, I’m hoping you’ll be strong enough to help me out, baby girl. I loved him, too.”
I feel more tears overflowing my eyes. I’m convinced that the phrase ‘all cried out’ is a load of crap! I had no idea my body contained this ungodly amount of fluid. I’m sick of being so broken and weak.
Twelve days ago we woke up to a normal day. My sweet little girl, Jed, and I all went to the park. Sierra played, while Jed and I sat in the grass watching. We were talking about all the things going on with his work, my stuff, and planning our summer vacation. This was when Jed and I excelled. Being best friends made us great parents. Don’t get me wrong, we had our challenges and we had to work on our relationship constantly, but we were committed and loved each other very much. It was a great morning and afternoon with just us, the fab 3, as Jed called us.
He had to leave that evening for a west coast business trip. He traveled often. We were used to it, but still it sucked. Sometimes it felt like we played second fiddle to his career.
He was so focused on making up for what my childhood lacked materially. I was more concerned with making sure our life didn’t suffer from the lack of love that was prevalent during my childhood. We’d always tried to make the most of the time he was home. West coast trips were most challenging, because of the time change, but we learned to manage and adapted.
Then the phone rang at 2:47 a.m. and my entire world flipped on its axis. The time will be eternally ingrained in my mind, because I actually said, out loud, as I looked at the clock,
‘Someone better be dead!’
I’m not even sure what happened after the dreaded words came across the phone lines. Can you imagine a worse thing to say before you hear that kind of news? I’ll never forgive myself for saying that. Yep, I am the major bitch everyone perceives me to be.
Before I knew it Jason, Kate, and Whitney were here, and then I just existed. For the last twelve days I’ve only engaged in things pertaining to Sierra. She and I are
what’s left of the fab 3. She needs me and she’s the only light in my whole world now. Three years old without a daddy. This is not the life I wanted for my little girl. I know what it’s like to grow up without a daddy. I’ll never be able to compensate enough for his loss. How can we ever get back to anything normal?