'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse (14 page)

The narcissist is usually the first victim of his own mental disability, which often prevents him from enjoying life and having mature and adult relationships. Many narcissists are emotionally paralyzed. Such a person is a master of disguise and therefore difficult to identify. Narcissists tend to be charming but haughty. They often fantasize about unlimited success and brag incessantly while ignoring others and not listening. They also have a habit of humiliating, criticizing, and belittling others, whose only function is to admire and assure them that they exist. They’re junkies for compliments and they attack people who they believe take them for granted, or who fail to recognize their greatness and superiority. For the narcissist, this group includes just about everyone.

Those they attract as lovers need the narcissist’s dramatic take on life and tend to fade into the background, learning the art of un-being. Such partners are often addicted and attracted to the excitement and violation of routine, and live vicariously through their narcissistic partner. One downside of this type of partnership is that the wishes of the narcissist’s partner matter little. The partner has one function only—to become a feeder or pusher of the narcissist’s unending need to feel extraordinary.

When the narcissist feels burdened, cornered, suffocated, or trapped, he is compelled to abandon his commitment. And when the intimate partner in the narcissist’s life is no longer of value, he/she is then in danger of being discarded. For the murderous narcissist, this can be a pivotal and dangerous time.

* * * * *

S
UCH
was the case of Rabbi
FRED NEULANDER
, the fiery yet compassionate leader of the Congregation M’Kor Shalom in affluent Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Rabbi Neulander was trusted and revered; he fulfilled the spiritual needs of the thousand or so families in the congregation he founded. Neulander was an inspiration, a man who for thirty years had been married to his college sweetheart, Carol, who he met at Trinity College in New Jersey in the 1960s. Carol supported her husband during the early years when he founded Congregation M’Kor Shalom, and they had raised three children together. She later became a successful businesswoman, managing two bakeries. But her family’s focus was always her husband, who was an icon in their community, a man who presided over weddings and funerals and other life events, and who served as the spiritual backbone for so many.

So it came as a great shock and surprise when Carol was murdered in November 1994, and of even greater surprise when her husband was arrested in 1998 and charged with hiring two hit men to murder his wife.

The crime was particularly gruesome. When Neulander returned home that night from his office he found Carol lying on the living room floor, bludgeoned and bloodied, the victim of an apparent attack, perhaps by burglars. At first no one suspected that he was behind his wife’s tragic death, even after police learned that the well-respected rabbi was involved in an affair with a popular Philadelphia radio deejay. But as investigators dug deeper into Neulander’s life they discovered a man not only revered by the community, but one who revered himself. A man of such arrogance, prosecutors later concluded, was no more than a manipulative adulterer who had decided to kill his wife to continue another relationship.

It was, they said, all about
him.

To prove their point, prosecutors interviewed the “other woman,” Elaine Soncini, a Philadelphia woman who met Rabbi Neulander as her husband was dying in 1992. Neulander was there to comfort her, but soon they began a torrid affair, often meeting in her apartment and even in his office at the synagogue.

For two years Neulander serenaded Soncini with passionate phone calls and love poems, professing his undying devotion to her while also expressing some disturbing thoughts and ideas concerning his wife. Soncini later testified during Neulander’s first trial that he said he dreamed of his wife dying. Following Carol’s murder, Neulander told Soncini, “I told you to trust me. When God closes a door, he opens a window.” But in reality it was Neulander, believing
he
was God, who closed the door on Carol’s life.

During his second trial in 2003 (his first trial, in 2000, had ended in a hung jury) two men testified that Neulander had hired them to kill his wife. Len Jenoff, fifty-six, and Paul Michael Daniels, twenty-six, said Neulander initially promised Jenoff $30,000 to kill “an enemy of Israel.” Jenoff would soon learn the real target was Carol Neulander. Jenoff, who told Neulander that he was an ex–CIA agent, agreed to the plan and brought in his roommate Daniels, a drug addict, alcoholic, and paranoid schizophrenic. Neulander gave Jenoff a $7,500 down payment, and they concocted a plan whereby Neulander would be working at the temple while Jenoff and Daniels would visit the Neulander home pretending to be deliverymen.

On the night of the murder, with Carol home alone, the two men knocked on the front door. When she let them in, Jenoff later testified, he put his hand on her shoulder so she couldn’t turn around and hit her in the head with a lead pipe. Dazed, Carol asked, “Why, why?” before Daniels hit her two more times. When her husband found her dead, lying in a pool of blood, he didn’t take her pulse or even touch her, telling investigators that he was “too shocked” to do much of anything.

Rabbi Neulander’s son Matthew testified that when he arrived on the scene his father was “blank and unemotional.” There was no heavy breathing or crying. Neulander’s children would also testify that their mother was angry and bitter toward their father, and wanted him out of the house. Fearing a divorce would lessen his standing with his congregation, Neulander decided on a different tack, prosecutors said.

Neulander, believing his ability to inspire a large group of people would work in front of a jury, hurt his case when he decided to testify. He was unemotional, uncaring, and arrogant, and that lack of emotion shown toward a wife of thirty years was enough to convince a jury he was, in fact, involved in her death. In addition, a former racquetball partner testified that Neulander told him several months before the murder that he wished he could “get rid of his wife.”

Despite the guilty verdict, Neulander has steadfastly maintained his innocence. During the penalty phase of his trial he spoke to the jury for nearly twenty-five minutes, hoping to convince them that he deserved to live. He was preaching again, only this time instead of repairing and uplifting the spiritual health of a congregation, Neulander fought for his own life, expressing his love for his dead wife, even going so far as to say he missed her. But the “sermon” infuriated his family, and two of his children, Matthew and Rebecca, said afterward he was evil and a fiend. A brother-in-law even asked the judge to sentence him to anonymity so that he could “suffer his narcissism in silence.”

Neulander escaped death, and was instead sentenced to life in prison.

But following the sentencing, in an interview on ABC with Barbara Walters that served only to anger all connected to the case, Neulander again claimed his innocence and expressed his own deep “intense rage.”

He was, he said, the real victim in this case.

* * * * *

N
ARCISSISTS
believe they are the center of the world, not just their own personal world, but the entire world, and Rabbi Fred Neulander was clearly at the center of his world. In addition to believing they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, narcissists also believe that the coveted Oscar should be given to them inevitably at birth, just because they have been born.

Neulander felt he was above the law, that rules applied to other people who were not as gifted and fantastic as he was. He also felt entitled to doing and getting whatever he wanted in life. This included killing his wife Carol.

Although useful at one point to his life and career, Carol had lost her value. She was the good wife as he worked his way toward becoming a successful rabbi, and a good-enough wife to give him three beautiful children. But now it was a different story. He was a
star
and Carol was no longer good enough. He needed to be with a star like himself, like his radio deejay lover, Elaine Soncini. She knew his worth. She was on his level. She was even willing to convert to Judaism for him. There was a gap between what his life was and what it should be. The only explanation, according to Fred Neulander’s psyche, was that it was his wife’s fault.

Interestingly, narcissists do not deal well with intimacy. Their problem stems from a sense of individual uniqueness. Being unique and being intimate are strong adversaries. Intimacy is a common pursuit for almost everyone; therefore its seeker is not unique. Intimacy also makes it hard for a person to feel superior because it demystifies him. Demystification is something the narcissist tries to avoid at all costs. It’s also hard to be intimate when you are lying. This narcissist personality tends to deceive others on practically every aspect of his life, including emotions, history, self, avocations, and vocations.

Fred Neulander was able to live with his wife as long as she catered to his needs and doted on his exceptional personality. She also had to play the supportive and ideal wife in order for him to remain fulfilled. But once reality entered into his relationship, he found it ordinary and boring, given how self-important he was. Neulander needed more excitement and could no longer remain with such an average person, or in such an average relationship. He became angry and he was convinced his anger was justified. He directed that anger squarely at his wife, who deserved to be punished for failing him. She was no longer the adoring, obedient, and docile wife he once knew. He could no longer settle for a person who failed to recognize his cosmic significance and uniqueness in the world. In fact, according to his worldview, ordinary people hold back greatness, and Carol was probably holding him back from the fame and wealth he was truly entitled to and, more important, destined for.

Generally speaking, the only feelings that matter to the narcissist are his own. When Carol threatened her husband with divorce and exposure to the community and with him fearing that she would take him to the cleaners financially, Neulander believed he had reason enough to eliminate her. That, of course, put him at odds with his position as a rabbi—a leader who supposedly provided comfort and hope. Yet there was nothing religious about Fred Neulander. Serving as a rabbi was a job, not a religious calling or commitment. He was controlling and power hungry and had no real sense of anyone else. He used the pulpit like he used other people, simply to get what he wanted.

The narcissist, you see, rarely converses but often lectures. He never just walks, he poses. In its more benign form the narcissist is condescending, posturing, or teaching. In its more severe form the narcissist is humiliating, sadistic, impatient, and full of rage and righteousness. When angry the narcissist displays cynicism, disgust, and repulsion.

With the grandiose state of mind the narcissist believes he/she knows what people want and need from him/her. Narcissists also tend to have a messianic complex in that they believe they know what is right for society and never question what they’re doing, whether it is good or right. And therein lies part of the problem. (A messianic complex used to be viewed as a psychological sickness that reflected an individual’s delusional belief that he or she was the Messiah.)

Neulander in particular acted as sole judge and jury, much like God. His thinking process led him to believe that by working with God, he himself became God-like. Only he was a vengeful God. If you look at the Old Testament, compared to the New Testament, God is often portrayed as a testing and vengeful force as opposed to a loving and accepting one. Neulander was even too good to kill his wife himself; he used his powers to manipulate an adoring fan to do his dirty work for him.

Neulander also felt a need to conquer many women, serially, in order to maintain his feeling of being powerful. He never really felt committed to anyone unless she gave him the admiration and attention he felt entitled to and needed so desperately. Many of the women who he had affairs with he converted to Judaism, which again underscored his God-like complex,
“I will show you the way and change you.”

Neulander was one of the bad guys in life, masquerading as a healer. One irony is, as one of the most popular rabbis in his local area, it was very possible he managed to be helpful to some people. He could offer his congregation hope, a very powerful and therapeutic emotion. Neulander communicated to the people the faith he had in himself. This belief and its effect on his congregation was so powerful that people wanted more of it because they believed it would wear off on them. Neulander’s strength was his ability to manipulate people.

It is said that narcissists don’t feel they exist unless they have an audience that is reacting to them. This audience, in turn, needs and feeds off the glowing reflection it reflects back to the narcissist. Without this the narcissist feels empty and nonexistent.

Even during his final performance, his trial, Neulander thought he could sway all with his brilliance. When he took the stand to testify in his defense he was mesmerizing, charismatic, charming, and clever. He also justified everything, so convincingly that you wanted to believe him. His words had a magical and hypnotic quality. He made you feel that humanity, especially in the guise of a highly respected religious leader, could never be so dark and evil.

But he was.

* * * * *

P
AMELA
S
MART
was also very calculating. But Pamela, much like the rabbi, could not escape the awful truth.

On the evening of May 1, 1990, Derry, New Hampshire, police entered the condominium she shared with her husband Gregory. He was lying face down on the floor, his body twisted, a bullet hole behind his ear. Pamela, twenty-two, had found his body after returning home from a school board meeting. She ran through the neighborhood screaming, knocking on doors, and begging for help. When police arrived they surveyed the crime scene, but the detectives thought something was odd. There were no signs of a struggle and, more important, in a small town like Derry, burglars rarely packed a gun. The home had apparently been burglarized, with clothes strewn throughout and jewelry missing, yet it became apparent to officials that the “burglary” had been staged. Since Greg, twenty-three, had been shot once behind the ear, execution style, the real motive, police believed, was murder. A list of suspects was assembled, and Pamela’s name soon rose to the top of that list.