Time After Time (14 page)

Matthew called a few days after their Mothercare encounter and they arranged to have dinner on Friday night. Hayley decided not to spend two hours getting ready but had a quick shower and reapplied her make-up instead, then settled for jeans, a white long-sleeved top and a pair of black suede boots. She wanted to look understated and casual.

Matthew took her to a restaurant in Brentford she’d never heard of called To Thai For.

‘If you can get past the name,’ Matthew said with a laugh as they walked past the elephant fountain and long wooden tables and benches, ‘the food really is to die for.’

They chatted over crispy shrimp cakes and
gaeng keow wan gai
. ‘You mentioned your brother has a disability?’ Hayley said and took another bite of the smooth, coconut-flavoured green chicken curry.

Matthew nodded. ‘Asperger’s syndrome.’

‘What’s that?’

‘It’s part of the autism spectrum.’

‘Is it serious?’

‘Well it’s not fatal or anything, so not serious from that perspective. It’s a behavioural disorder. Makes social contact really difficult for him.’

‘Oh, that sounds awful.’

‘Yeah, it can be. Alan had massive tantrums until he was almost fifteen. They didn’t diagnose him until he was a teenager.’

‘Shit,’ said Hayley. ‘That must have been tough on all of you.’

Matthew chased a shrimp cake around his plate with his fork. ‘Nobody could understand why he acted the way he did. One teacher told Mum it all came down to bad parenting. Dad was fit to be tied.’ He shook his head. ‘Alan always had to do things in a certain way, you know, like put his toys away in a specific order.’ He smiled. ‘He never wanted me to help clear up.’

Hayley laughed. ‘That’s convenient.’

‘Definitely.’ He sipped his Singha. ‘When he was ten he’d grown out of this green jacket and Mum wanted me to have it. I was only eight, but I remember him having this massive tantrum. Mum gave in and he went to school wearing a jacket two sizes too small.’ He put his fork down and looked at Hayley, his green eyes sparkling in the candlelight. ‘Is this getting a bit heavy for a first date?’

Hayley reached across the table and touched his hand. ‘Not at all – please, continue.’

‘Well, Alan didn’t hurt people deliberately, only if you got in the way when he freaked out, but he never hurt me. He struggled through mainstream school and did well at the subjects he liked. But he’s different and, well, kids can be mean.’ He scratched his temple, seemingly recalling unpleasant memories. ‘He regularly came home with a bloody nose or a black eye.’

‘He was bullied?’

‘Relentlessly. When I was twelve I got sick of it, hid behind some bushes and pounced on the two kids that had beaten him up again.’

Hayley wrinkled her nose. ‘Uh-oh. What happened?’

Matthew grimaced. ‘The headmaster suspended me for a week and said if it happened again I’d be expelled.’

‘Oops,’ Hayley said. ‘And Alan?’

‘They never touched him again and I earned a reputation of being well ‘ard.’ He laughed. ‘As if! That’s the only time I’ve ever been in a fight. I like helping people, not hurting them.’

‘Is that why you became a teacher?’

‘I think it’s made me a better one. But anyway, enough about my incredibly fascinating past as a juvenile delinquent – what about you?’

She smiled and told him about her work at Simpson & Partners and how much she enjoyed her career. She described her family, Ellen and Mark, and how she loved being an aunt but sometimes wondered if she had a maternal bone in her body.

‘I know what you mean,’ he said, his warm laugh gave her goose bumps. ‘We were like lost sheep in Mothercare.’ As he touched her hand with his long, slim fingers, the butterflies in Hayley’s stomach woke up and fluttered around softly. ‘I’m really glad you spoke to me.’

They didn’t notice that three hours had passed until the waiter started putting the chairs on the tables in a not-so-subtle hint. As Matthew drove her back to her flat, Hayley realised how much she’d enjoyed his company, how calm she’d felt in his presence all evening.

‘I had a great time,’ he said. ‘Can I see you again?’

She looked up at him and smiled. ‘How about dinner again soon? There’s a new Italian place on Hammersmith Road that’s got rave reviews. Apparently their tiramisu is the best.’

‘Oh, I think I know the one. It’s got etchings of the Bridge of Sighs on the front window, right?’ He snapped his fingers. ‘What’s it called again?’

‘Antonio’s.’

‘That’s it! How about next Friday? Same time? I’ll pick you up?’

As Matthew leaned over and kissed her softly on the cheek, an image of him on top of her, both of them grinding and writhing, filled her mind. She brushed it away. This time, she decided, she’d take things slow.

*

Ellen and Mark’s wedding in May the following year was a low-key event, with family and close friends. They got married in Bromley Parish Church and had the reception at The Partridge. The temperatures soared to the mid-twenties and, with hardly a cloud in the sky, birds in the blossoming trees seemed to be happily chirping their approval to Ellen and Mark’s marriage. Despite what Hayley had feared would lead to an unorganised, slapdash celebration, it couldn’t have been more perfect.

At the reception, Matthew and Hayley danced to Bryan Adams’ ‘Everything I Do’. Wedding DJs had finally resumed playing the song following a collective but unofficial ban, imposed because the tune had spent sixteen weeks at the top of the charts five years earlier.

‘They look happy, don’t they?’ Matthew said, his hands gently resting in the small of her back, her arms draped around his neck.

Hayley looked at her friends. Ellen resembled a sparkling mermaid in her fishtail wedding dress and her hair in a loose chignon. As Mark stood proudly by her side, their smiles could have powered all of Bromley, and probably beyond.

‘What do you think their secret is?’ Matthew said.

‘Soulmates,’ Hayley answered without a moment’s hesitation. ‘They’ve been together for nine years and will be for another ninety.’

Matthew leaned in and softly kissed her on the lips. Hayley closed her eyes and kissed him back.

I’m lucky to be with such a
nice
man.

She’d expected him to morph from perfect gentleman into an uncaring arsehole at some point, but he hadn’t. He phoned when he said he would, arrived on time and always held the door for her. He pursued his own hobbies and encouraged her to do the same – even convincing her to sign up for some fitness classes. He took an interest in her work and she in his, and, in the rare cases when they argued, it felt like a discussion more than a row.

Sex in his apartment on their fourth date had been, well,
nice
. More Andie MacDowell and Hugh Grant in
Four Weddings and a Funeral
than Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke in
9 ½ Weeks
.

‘I hope we’ll be together for that long too,’ Matthew whispered in her ear, bringing her out of her thoughts and back to the wedding venue, and Hayley wondered why she couldn’t shake the feeling that they wouldn’t be.

Why isn’t what we have enough? What’s wrong with me?

Hayley heard Matthew humming in the shower as she pressed her ear to the phone.

‘What do you mean, what happened to us?’ asked Ellen. ‘Me and Mark?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why are you doing this, Hayley? You know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, I have to go or Mum will be late for class. I’ll call you next week.’

Before Hayley could respond, Ellen hung up and Matthew walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist and another slung around his neck.

‘Ellen?’ he said. Hayley nodded. ‘Did she ask about Neha again?’

‘Yes.’

‘Shit. When is she going to accept he’s moved on?’ He shook his head and started rubbing his hair with the towel. ‘I wish they could have worked things out but I don’t blame him for leaving her. Not after what she did.’

Hayley wondered what she could say to get more information without sounding like an amnesia patient. ‘Do you really think it was that bad?’

Matthew raised his eyebrows. ‘What? Trying to get pregnant with someone else and planning on saying the baby was Mark’s? Yeah, I’d say that’s really bad.’

‘But Ellen would never –’ Then she remembered; a throw-away comment Ellen had made one weekend, a few months before what had turned out to be their last – and successful – round of IVF. Ellen had been at her lowest point and had given up all hope of ever having a child. Mark had organised a karting weekend with Rick and a few other friends, and Ellen and Hayley had stayed with Ellen’s cousin in Cambridge. They were at a pub when Ellen whispered in Hayley’s ear.

‘Don’t look now but a guy by the fireplace, the one with the grey shirt … he keeps looking at me.’

Hayley pretended to dig around in her bag on the floor for something and peered under her arm. ‘He’s lovely,’ she whispered as she sat back up. ‘Actually he looks a lot like Mark.’

Ellen nodded, her eyes downcast. ‘Maybe
he
could get me pregnant. The timing’s right. Mark would never know.’

‘Don’t be daft!’

Ellen’s eyes welled up. ‘But what if he leaves me because I can’t have a baby?’

She hadn’t meant it, Hayley knew that, it was the booze and desperation talking. But the comment had made Hayley suggest to Rick they offer to pay for a round of IVF.

She didn’t sleep with the guy in the bar. I was there. I know she didn’t.

Matthew had continued talking, ‘… such a waste. I hope you’ve stopped blaming yourself. I know you keep saying if you’d been there it would never have happened but it’s not your fault we had the flu.’

‘But she didn’t get pregnant …’ Hayley said.

‘Well no. But still. I don’t blame Mark for leaving her when she finally told him. Anyway. It’s been three years. She’ll have to get over it at some point.’ He smiled at her. ‘Hungry?’

Right on cue, a loud growl emanated from her stomach.

Matthew laughed. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. Fancy scrambled eggs on toast?’

‘I’ll make some,’ Hayley said, thinking it might bring some normality to the situation.

He rubbed his hands together. ‘Beautiful. Yours are much better. I think we have enough eggs. By the way, your ring’s on the bathroom cabinet. I moved it ‘cos I didn’t want it to disappear down the plughole. Give me a minute to put some clothes on and I’ll lay the table.’

Hayley almost answered that clothes were vastly overrated in her opinion but stopped herself and went to the bathroom instead. She slipped on the engagement ring, admiring the tulip solitaire as she twisted her hand around. She’d forgotten how much she’d liked it. Then she recalled the hurt in Matthew’s eyes when she’d given it back to him.

She briefly wondered where her wedding ring could be as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her shoulder-length hair was cut in a neat bob, and her skin had a healthy glow. Her body felt toned and muscular. She unbuttoned her jeans and peered down her stomach. No C-section scar, not that that meant anything, but the apartment showed no signs of children living in it.

Weird … but we seem happy.

She went back to the kitchen and rustled around in the fridge for eggs, milk and butter, then found a saucepan and started cooking. It surprised her how natural it felt, almost normal in a strange way. She hesitated for a second to find the right words in her mind.

Nice and comfortable.

It was such a contrast to her real life. With Matthew things seemed calm, unflustered – the way they used to be with Rick. But these days the mundane shit had taken up so much space it was overwhelming, stifling them both and gnawing away at their happiness, constantly returning like the tide to the beach.

Matthew came back to the kitchen wearing a pair of faded jeans and a green V-neck, long-sleeved sweater that beautifully contrasted his skin tone. When he walked by her to open the window, she couldn’t help looking at his toned bum, perfectly framed in his jeans.

‘Thanks for cooking, love, I didn’t expect you to,’ he said as he watched her stir the eggs in the frying pan. He laid the table and then slipped his hands around her waist. When he leaned towards her, she instinctively let him kiss her on the lips. She turned away quickly, hardly able to believe what she’d done.

But he’s gorgeous and kind … Why wasn’t there any real oomph between us?

‘Ah, your famous scrambled eggs for lunch, lovely,’ he said, as he started buttering two pieces of whole wheat toast. ‘I’m starving.’

They sat at the table but when she picked up her fork, she noticed the trembling in her hand. She put the fork down, afraid he might see how badly she was shaking.

I can’t be … Not with Matthew, surely?

‘Did I … did I have too much to drink last night?’

Matthew laughed. ‘Neither of us had more than a glass of red. Quite the party animals, aren’t we?’

Hayley attempted a smile. ‘So you don’t think I drink too much then?’ She swallowed.

He popped a forkful of eggs in his mouth. ‘Hardly. That bottle of white’s been in the fridge for two weeks. Wow,’ he licked his lips. ‘These eggs are great. Did you do something different?’

‘Cream cheese,’ she said with a broad smile and dug into her meal.

‘Do you still have work to do this afternoon?’ Matthew said as he finished the last of his toast.

‘Uh-huh.’ Hayley sipped her tea.

‘Charles has really piled on the projects since Ronald died, hasn’t he? I hope you’ll find something else soon. Then you can tell Charles to shove it.’

Hayley’s stomach lurched.

How many times has Rick said that …? Rick …

She’d hardly thought about him all day.

Am I forgetting them already? Breathe. It’s a glimpse. I’ll be home again soon, won’t I?

‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, taking a deep breath. ‘What are you up to today?’

‘Taking Alan clothes shopping. Susan thinks he’ll listen to me but I’m not so sure.’ He smiled. ‘She’s picking you up later, right?’

‘Er, I’m not sure,’ Hayley said as she wondered who Susan was. ‘So how’s Alan?’

‘Great,’ Matthew said. He started clearing the table and gestured for her to stay seated. ‘He wants me to help him choose something for her. I can’t believe it’s their fourth anniversary already.’

Hayley smiled back. Alan was married. ‘You used to worry he wouldn’t find anyone.’

‘I know,’ Matthew said, bending over to stack the dishwasher. ‘But he did, right? Thanks to you he got the perfect job and the perfect girl.’

Hayley tried to force her mind to connect the dots but she didn’t remember helping Alan with his love life or his career. ‘So, uh,’ she said, ‘he’s still enjoying work?’

‘God, I bet he’ll tell me how much he loves the library at least ten times today.’ Matthew laughed. ‘It was so lucky that Ronald’s sister-in-law needed someone, wasn’t it?’

Ohhh, so that’s how I helped him.

She grinned. ‘You always said Alan was born with his nose stuck in a book.’

‘It’s true.’ Matthew smiled as he came over to wipe the table. ‘Although how him and Susan work and live together is a mystery to me.’

Hayley fell silent, thinking about what he’d said. In her ‘real’ life with Rick she’d met Ronald’s sister-in-law after she’d split up with Matthew, and she’d certainly never introduced her to Alan.

It’s a glimpse of something good that could have been. But look at Mark and Ellen …

Hayley watched as Matthew finished clearing up the kitchen, and she thought that he really hadn’t changed much at all.

Why did I leave him in the first place? Oh come on, you know why.

Matthew grabbed his coat, stuffed his keys in the pocket and picked up his wallet. ‘I’d better get going or I’ll be late,’ he said. ‘I should be back at around six or so. Don’t forget we’re going to Antonio’s at seven-thirty.’

‘Antonio’s?’ She hadn’t been since she’d split up with Matthew. It had been their favourite restaurant and it wouldn’t have felt right going there with another man, even with Rick. ‘I haven’t been there in ages.’

‘We were there last month,’ he said with a grin. ‘If that’s ages, then what do you call the amount of time we’ve been together?’

After Matthew left the apartment, Hayley made her way to the bedroom. She could tell that she’d had a hand in the decorating because it wasn’t as sparse and as bachelor-like as when they’d been dating. Back then, Matthew only had a double bed and a wooden crate, which he used as a makeshift bedside table, in the room, but that had all changed.

Now a king-size bed with a white, glossy laminated frame dominated the room. The rich, blue and off-white flowers on the duvet and matching pillow cases were understated yet feminine. A large picture of softly painted blue and purple lilies hung above the bed. The entire room had a distinctly calming quality to it.

She sat on the left-hand side of the bed – the side she’d slept on when they’d dated – and opened the bedside table drawer. She found a copy of
Room
by Emma Donoghue, cherry lip balm and a packet of tissues. Not dissimilar to her bedside table at home, except she had a packet of condoms there that had lasted her and Rick over a year. Hayley sighed and wondered if her sex life with Matthew was alive and well, or if it had ever become more exciting. Then she rolled over to Matthew’s side and inspected the contents of his bedside table too. It had Nelson Mandela’s biography, a torch and two watches.

Across from the bed was a low, wide cabinet with a flat screen television on it as well as some candles and a brown, wooden jewellery box. A dressing table and a chair were the only other things in the bedroom, and Hayley could easily imagine herself sitting there, getting ready in the morning for work.

I wonder where we got married.

She smiled, surprised by the curiosity that had taken over rather than the desperation to run away in blind panic. In fact, she realised with a big grin as she glanced around the empty flat, she was looking forward to having dinner with him to discover more about their lives together.