Time After Time (20 page)

Looking through the other photo albums helped Hayley piece things together. It seemed they’d had Jake four and a half years after their wedding. He looked like Sean: brown hair, hazel eyes and a smile that would melt a snowman’s heart. His sister Jennifer had arrived almost three years later and Hayley couldn’t believe how much she looked like Millie; they had the same chubby cheeks and heads as shiny as new bowling balls.

Hayley imagined her life with them, celebrating birthdays and Christmases, clapping at their first steps, taking them to school and putting the teeth they’d lost under the pillow, whispering, ‘Close your eyes so the Tooth Fairy will come.’

There were more recent photos of them on holiday in France and snaps of them on a trip to Disneyland Paris. Another album had photos of Carrick and pictures of the four of them at the Giant’s Causeway, hair blowing in the wind and arms outstretched, reaching for the sky. She pulled the photo album to her chest and cradled it, hoping that the memories would seep out of the pages and into her soul. Their life seemed so perfect, so balanced and happy.

The noise of the front door opening made her jump, and she walked out of the office and into the hall. She gasped despite herself because there he stood, only a few feet away, the man she’d loved and lost and wondered about ever since: Sean.

He was alone. He looked flushed and held a sports bag in his hand. His hair had more than a hint of salt and pepper, particularly on the sides, but his eyes were as kind as Hayley remembered. She didn’t dare move, so she planted her feet squarely on the carpet and pushed her heels down to stop herself from running over and kissing him. A pang of regret hit her right in the stomach, and almost instantly the regret was replaced by a lorry-load of guilt.

‘Mark says hi,’ Sean said as he walked over. He slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her gently on the cheek.

Her skin instantly turned to goose bumps and she put her hand against the wall to steady herself. The sex had always been fantastic – they hadn’t been together long enough for it ever to become routine, not that she imagined it ever would have – and she closed her eyes, remembering his touch, his fingers, his tongue. She wanted him. No point denying it.

‘Still can’t beat the bugger at squash,’ he said, ripping Hayley out of her fantasies. ‘After all these years he still flattens me every time. Tea?’ He moved past her and into the kitchen.

She watched him, mesmerised. On many occasions she’d wondered what she’d say to him if, or when, their paths crossed again. She’d played out scenes in her head where they spotted each other across a crowded room or where she’d witnessed an accident and he’d show up in an ambulance. In some of the scenarios they talked and she found closure. In others they ended up having sex in an alleyway or in the ambulance. It was her fantasy, after all, so she could do what she liked.

But now words eluded her, so she followed him into the kitchen. Fortunately she didn’t have to speak first.

‘Your mum hasn’t called yet, has she? I hope the kids don’t run them ragged.’ He switched the kettle on and dropped tea bags into mugs. ‘Jake seemed happy when we dropped them off last night but Jennifer was a bit clingy, wasn’t she?’

‘Uh, oh, yes,’ Hayley stammered.

‘I’m grateful they took them for the weekend.’ He smiled at her. ‘You look nice. How did it go with work? Everything okay?’

Hayley blushed. ‘Thanks,’ she mumbled, then, more audibly, she said, ‘everything’s fine. I don’t want to talk about work.’

I want to stand here and stare at you. Kiss you, touch you, make love to you.

He paused and looked at her, his head tilted to one side, his brow furrowed. ‘Okay … Toast then?’ He dangled two slices of bread in the air. She nodded and he slid the bread in the toaster and pushed the button down with a click. ‘Right, I think I’ll have a quick shower.’

He stopped as he walked by her, stroked her hair and smiled. Hayley’s entire body tingled. ‘You sure you’re okay?’ he said.

‘Better than I’ve been in ages.’

He gave her a slightly puzzled look and headed upstairs.

When she heard the water running a few minutes later, Hayley felt herself instantly being whisked back to a night in her apartment. They’d been seeing each other for a couple of weeks when Sean slipped into the shower behind her, turned her to face him, then pulled her against his chest for a deep, naked kiss. He washed every part of her; first her back, then her front and finally her legs, lathering her slowly and gently, as if it was the only thing that mattered and they had all the time in the world. She trembled as he rinsed the soap off her body before gently placing the shower head between her legs and turning up the water pressure.

‘Look at me,’ he whispered in her ear as the water teased and massaged her. He bit her neck gently. ‘Look at me when you come.’

It didn’t take her long to climax, eyes wide and staring into Sean’s. Afterwards it was her turn to please him, and she did so, willingly and hungrily, on her knees. The memory had fed many of Hayley’s subsequent lonely, late-night fantasies, and, more recently, on the odd occasion when she was in bed with Rick.

The thought of Sean upstairs, naked in the shower, with water running over his chest and down his lean stomach was almost unbearable. Hayley slowly walked towards the stairs.

I want to … but I can’t … but this isn’t real. And no one will ever know.

With every step the guilt of what she was about to do lessened and the images of Rick, Millie and Danny faded. By the time she reached the bedroom door, they’d disappeared completely.

I want him. I need this. It’ll make me feel alive again.

She pulled off her jeans and T-shirt and let them fall to the floor along with her underwear.

Maybe I can stay here for another day. Maybe more … maybe …

As she started walking towards the bathroom door she shivered with the anticipation of feeling Sean’s touch all over her body.

Beep-beep
– the noise pulled Hayley’s attention to the mobile on the bed where the tell-tale sign of a text message twinkled on the screen. She picked it up and read.

Have you told her yet? Call me. Good luck. ILU. Melanie xxx

The water in the bathroom stopped and she heard the shower curtain being pulled to one side. Hayley quickly put the phone back on the bed and grabbed her clothes from the floor. She backed out of the bedroom as fast and as silently as she could, putting on her bra and pulling her T-shirt over her head as she crept downstairs.

Who the hell is Melanie?

Throwing a big shindig had been Ellen’s idea.

‘It was something one of my clients said,’ she told Hayley as they were getting the flat ready, pushing the sofas out of the way and setting up stacks of plastic cups that rivalled the Leaning Tower of Pisa. ‘Since she had a baby they haven’t had anyone over for dinner, let alone thrown a wild party. I’ve been all gloomy about not getting pregnant when I should be celebrating the fact we can still do whatever we want.’

Mark came over and slid his arms around her. ‘That’s my girl,’ he said, and planted a noisy kiss on her cheek. ‘I’m popping to the off-licence for more beer.’

‘I had the doctor’s appointment today,’ Ellen said after Mark had closed the door behind him.

Hayley stopped shoving the sofa to the side of the room and stood up straight, arching her back. ‘What did he say?’

‘It’s time for us to see a specialist and have tests done.’

‘What kind of tests?’

Ellen sighed and counted on her fingers. ‘A blood test, an ultrasound and maybe an X-ray for me and a sperm test for Mark. Lucky bastard. All he has to do is wank in a cup and the cheeky sod asked if I’d go with him to help.’

‘Ewww,’ said Hayley. ‘There’s an image I didn’t need.’

‘Sorry. I asked the doctor if it meant we’d have to have IVF but he said I was getting ahead of myself.’

‘You are.’

‘Yeah, well. I nagged him into telling me anyway. I want to know what could happen.’

‘And?’

‘Well it’s not easy. They stimulate my ovaries first, then they take the eggs out. Or harvest them.’ She made air quotation marks with her fingers. ‘Made me sound like a bunch of grapes. Then they mix my egg with Mark’s sperm, shove it inside me and hey presto, one ready-made kiddie.’

‘Blimey, that sounds … complicated.’

‘I know,’ Ellen gave the sofa a final nudge with her knee. ‘Apparently all the hormones they give you can make you really emotional and stuff. Poor Mark. I didn’t tell him that bit. I’m bad enough as it is.’

‘Stop it,’ Hayley waved a hand. ‘You’ve been fine honest.’

Ellen laughed. ‘You’re a shitty liar.’

Hayley grinned. ‘So do you have to pay for any of it?’

‘Thankfully no. We get three tries on the NHS first. But then we have to pay … about three to four thousand quid a pop.’

Hayley whistled. ‘Jesus, that’s a bit steep. Fingers crossed you won’t need it.’

‘I know. It’s crazy money. Now,’ she exhaled loudly and made a time-out sign with her hands, ‘that’s enough of that. It’s party night. Wheeee!’ She spun around in a circle, her new skirt twirling like a carrousel. ‘Mark invented a cocktail.’ Her face turned into a sly grin. ‘He called it an Oliver Reed.’

‘What’s in it?’ asked Hayley.

‘Anything we can find in the cupboard.’

*

At ten o’clock the party was in full swing and Hayley danced around the living room table to the Spice Girls latest hit ‘Stop’. She felt a tap on the shoulder and as she whirled around, she hit Sean’s hand and large slosh of his red wine splattered on the sofa. He beamed broadly at her and reached out to steady her.

‘Whoops,’ he shouted over the music and looked down. ‘Hey, that looks like Gorbatchev’s birthmark.’ He laughed and blotted it with a paper napkin. ‘And I didn’t have you down as a Spice Girls fan. See, you’re not boring at all. You’re full of hidden surprises.’

She tried – and failed – to stop her stomach from doing twenty backflips. So much for telling herself all day she didn’t care if he showed up. Besides, far too much time had been spent on getting ready, making sure she wasn’t overdressed but still looked like she’d made an effort, and she’d had an eye on the front door all evening.

As they danced, drank and laughed together, Hayley noticed Ellen watching them out of the corner of her eye, but chose to ignore it.

By two in the morning the last party goers had staggered home and only Ellen, Mark, Hayley and Sean were left.

‘I’ve got to go to bed,’ said Mark, who half collapsed on the kitchen counter, his shirt partially tucked into his trousers. ‘Gawd … I think I had too many Ollie Reeds.’ He grabbed his wife’s hand. ‘Come on, gorgeous, let’s see if I can get you knocked up tonight.’

Ellen gave him a slap on the bum then turned to Hayley and Sean. ‘You can sleep in the office if you like? Hayley knows the way. Here,’ she walked over to a cupboard in the hall, ‘take these.’ She held out a pile of blankets and quickly winked at Hayley. ‘Night-night.’

Sean looked at Hayley and they both shrugged as if to say ‘why not?’ and headed to the office.

‘A sleepover, cool,’ Sean said. ‘I hope you brought your pyjamas.’ He kicked off his shoes, pulled out the futon and jumped on it. It creaked loudly in protest and he grinned. ‘Actually I hope you didn’t.’

Hayley laughed.

Sean patted the space next to him. ‘Come on. Now’s your chance to tell me about being a solicitor. On second thought, don’t, you’ll put me to sleep.’

She bopped him on the head with a heart-shaped pillow and stretched out next to him.

‘Why don’t you tell me about Northern Ireland instead?’ she said. ‘I’ve never been. What’s it like? Is it like Ireland in
Father Ted
and
Ballykissangel
?’

Sean laughed. ‘You watch
Father Ted
?’

‘Love it,’ she said. ‘Especially Dougal.’

‘What else do you like?’

‘I have a
Men Behaving Badly
fetish. Ellen and I used to pretend we were Gary and Tony when we lived here together. We drank lager with pillows on our heads.’

‘Hah! I’d pay good money to see that. Don’t tell me you like video games as well,’ he said. ‘I don’t think I could take it.’

‘
Tomb Raider’s
my favourite,’ Hayley answered with a giggle.

‘
Tomb Raider
huh? Fantastic. Lara Croft kicks arse.’

‘Don’t tell anyone,’ she lowered her voice and he leaned in, their shoulders touching, ‘but once I didn’t shower all weekend because I just had to finish more levels. I told my
ex
-boyfriend I was ill and couldn’t see him.’ She made sure she emphasised the
ex.

‘You disgusting, evil woman,’ he said, gently shoving her with his shoulder.

‘To be fair, he started it by giving me the game in the first place. Anyway, so tell me,’ she said. ‘What’s Northern Ireland like?’

Their voices quiet and soft, Sean described the countryside and she listened closely, imagining the rolling, emerald-green fields and little villages.

‘Was it hard to leave?’ Hayley asked.

‘Yes … and no.’ Sean paused. ‘See, I’m an only child. My dad died in the Troubles when I was five and Ma raised me on my own. I only have my grandma left over there.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ Hayley said. ‘That must have been awful.’

‘I hardly remember him, but it hit Ma really hard,’ Sean said. ‘Despite that she was always so strong and positive, you know?’ He closed his eyes and she noticed his lower lip tremble ever so slightly. ‘Even when she found the lump, even after the diagnosis and the chemo. Right up until the day she died.’

Hayley grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, and he held on to it.

‘That’s why I really came to London,’ he whispered. ‘I needed to get away, you know?’

Hayley interlaced her fingers with his. She never wanted to let go.

Sean talked about his job as a paramedic and how much he enjoyed it, despite the long hours, and the horrific injuries and abusive patients he came across at times.

‘And London has been full of surprises,’ he said. ‘Two days in I got lost on the tube and this old lady came to my rescue. She helped me figure out where I wanted to go and told me I had a sexy accent.’ He grinned. ‘Then she asked me if I wanted her number. I almost went back to Carrick.’

Hayley laughed, then shifted her body and put her head on his chest. He tucked one arm around her and stroked her hair with his other hand.

‘So what about you then, Hayley?’ he said. ‘What’s your story?’

She gave him the lowdown on her family, then told him how passionate she felt about law, how she’d known from an early age that she wanted to be a solicitor. They chatted about places they’d visited and holidays they’d been on, and discovered they’d visited Amsterdam on the exact same weekend.

‘I bet you left a string of broken hearts back home,’ Hayley said, smiling to herself.

‘Not really,’ he answered. ‘I left two of my girlfriends and the other two left me. I hope that makes things even because I hear karma can be a real bitch.’

‘I don’t know, I’ve never met her.’ Hayley giggled and Sean laughed.

‘And you?’ Sean said. ‘How many skeletons in your cupboard?’

‘Three serious, a few not so serious,’ she answered, thinking how strange it was, feeling like they’d known each other for years.

She told him about Chris, Ian and Matthew, skimming the details and giving him the gist of the story. ‘What a feckin’ eejit, he didn’t deserve you,’ he whispered when she told him about the relationship with Ian.

They talked about school, books and music, then played Name the Top-5 albums of All Time, gently arguing some of the choices and agreeing that some guy must have really,
really
pissed off Alanis Morissette when she wrote
Jagged Little Pill
.

‘It’s a great album though,’ Sean said. ‘Even if –’

‘She’s a complete whinge-bag? Yeah, I agree.’ Hayley said with a laugh.

In the early hours of the morning, the conversation slowed down and Hayley started to drift off. She closed her eyes and smiled as she listened to Sean’s rhythmic breathing. If they didn’t have to sleep they would have continued talking, probably for the next hundred years. They’d talked about everything. Hayley pushed the uncomfortable feeling that she felt rising within her to the back of her mind and closed her eyes.

Well … almost everything.

*

Mark called her at the office a few weeks later. ‘About Sean.’

‘Is he okay?’ Hayley said and pressed her fingers around the phone. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘You have to tell him you’re leaving,’ Mark said sternly. ‘Now.’

Hayley slumped back into her chair. ‘I know …’

Mark cleared his throat. ‘I shouldn’t be saying this,’ he said, ‘but he told me he’s in love with you.’

‘What?’ Hayley’s eyes widened. ‘When?’

‘Squash. Yesterday.’

She caught her breath. ‘But we only met six weeks ago.’

Mark snorted. ‘You’ve been living in each other’s pockets. Ellen said you’re always holed up together playing that radar game.’

‘
Tomb Raider
,’ she corrected him and smiled at the thought of her and Sean helping Lara Croft save the world one level at a time.

‘You even went to Carrick for the weekend,’ Mark continued. ‘You met his
grandma
.’

Hayley was glad Mark couldn’t see how badly she was squirming in her chair. ‘Have you said anything to Ellen?’

He paused. ‘No. The point is that you’re leaving for Chicago in two weeks.
Two weeks
.’

‘I know,’ she said loudly, then more quietly, ‘you don’t have to remind me and –’

‘It isn’t fair on him, or me for that matter,’ Mark pressed on. ‘You asked us not to say anything and we haven’t but he
loves
you, Hayley.’

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, I really didn’t,’ she said, covering her eyes with one hand and leaning back in her chair. ‘I meant to tell him ages ago. When my visa arrived and when I found someone to sub-let my flat … but I still haven’t. Then Jackie had the baby and I … I’ve been busy …’ The pathetic excuse didn’t cut it and she knew it.

When Mark spoke there wasn’t a hint of sympathy in his voice. ‘He’s a good bloke.’

‘I know that,’ Hayley snapped. ‘I like him, Mark, a lot, but I –’

‘Then
tell
him.’ This time Mark’s voice was loud. ‘I’d better go. Sort it out. Bye.’

Hayley put the phone down, her mind whizzing. She knew Mark was right, obviously she did. But she’d justified not saying anything to Sean because she didn’t want to spoil the time they had. Being with him felt too incredible to put a downer on it all. No, it wasn’t fair, but on the other hand she couldn’t bear to unsettle things any earlier than she absolutely needed to. Except she absolutely needed to … because, as Mark had so kindly reminded her, she was leaving in two weeks. Then again … she could wait a few more days before she brought it up. She just wanted one (okay, so maybe two or three) more perfect nights with him. Where was the harm in that?

The first time they’d slept together had been a week after the party. It had been the oh-my-god-this-has-never-felt-so-good kind of sex that she’d only ever read about. She couldn’t get enough of it. She couldn’t get enough of
him
.

Of course she could tell he had feelings for her, even before he’d showed up at her office one Friday lunch-time with a couple of plane tickets to Belfast that weekend. ‘I want to give you a proper tour of the place and show you around,’ he said with a smile.

Sean drove Hayley to the Giant’s Causeway, which was so breathtakingly dramatic, it left her speechless. They stood in silence with their arms wrapped around each other, staring out to sea, hair blowing in the wind. As she shivered Sean pulled her closer and kissed her softly. ‘This has always been a special place to me,’ he whispered. ‘And now I hope it will be to you, too.’

They stayed in a tiny B&B in the heart of Carrickfergus, or Carrick, as the locals called it. The bed creaked so much, the landlord actually winked at Sean the next morning when he asked him how they’d slept, and Hayley thought she was going to spontaneously combust.

‘Granny Boyle likes you,’ he said that evening, as they walked to the pub to meet his friends after having tea with his grandma. ‘She definitely approves.’

He never mentioned meeting her family, not before or after their trip to Carrick, and she didn’t offer. Knowing Sean he was waiting until she felt ready, and she was grateful for the unspoken excuse. After all, how could she possibly explain to her family why she’d never told him about her upcoming move?