Time After Time (22 page)

Hayley struggled to get out of the taxi when it pulled up in front of her parents’ house half an hour after she left Sean’s. Her dad barely had time to open the door before Hayley grabbed hold of him, hugging him tight.

‘Dad.’ She buried her head into his shoulder. ‘Oh my god, Dad.’

‘You okay?’ Stan said as he hugged her back. ‘What’s going on?’

‘You’re up, you’re walking.’

‘What are you implying, young lady?’ he said, obviously pretending to be miffed, then grinned. ‘It
is
almost lunchtime. There’s still life in me yet you know.’

She peered past him at the hallway, looking for the wheelchair, stair lift and ramp. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

‘Shh, shh,’ he said and put his arms around her again. ‘There now, come inside.’ He led her into the hallway and closed the door.

‘I’m so glad to see you’re alright,’ she said as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand, leaning against him. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d allowed her father to see her cry, let alone comfort her. It felt good. It felt right.

‘I’m fine love.’ Stan said. ‘Did your mother say I was on death’s door or something? It was only a cold.’ He looked at her. ‘Hayley, what’s going on?’

‘Sorry,’ she said with a teary grin, ‘it’s been a weird few days.’

‘Come and sit down,’ Stan said. ‘Your mum took the kids to the park while I tidied up but they’ll be back soon. We weren’t expecting you until tomorrow but I bet they’ll be glad to see you.’

Hayley inhaled sharply. ‘Oh … well …’ Fight or flight instincts kicked in and Hayley took a few steps back.

What will I say to them? What will they say to me? What will …?

As suddenly as the panic had risen within her, it disappeared. These were her children with Sean. She had to meet them. She wanted to. How could she walk away?

And I can’t leave Dad, I simply can’t. Look at him. Just look.

‘O-okay.’ She followed her father into the living room and sat down in her mum’s squishy green armchair with the footrest and the doily.

‘Do you want to talk about what’s going on or …?’ He sat down, closed his book of crosswords and put it on the coffee table.

Hayley shook her head. ‘You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.’

‘Try me.’

Hayley smiled at him. Her dad, her hero, the man who had always helped her pick herself up, dust herself off and work things out. ‘Dad … I don’t belong here.’

Stan looked up at her. ‘Come again?’

Hayley started to laugh. It sounded so ridiculous. ‘I’m living a different life.’

Stan exhaled. ‘We all feel that way sometimes, love.’

‘No, I really mean it, I …’ Hayley stopped as she remembered how Mark and Ellen had reacted when she told them she was married to Rick. What was the point?

‘What is it, love?’

Hayley closed her eyes for a moment. ‘It’s Sean … He … he’s having an affair. He wants to leave.’

Stan pinched the top of his nose and closed his eyes. ‘So he finally admitted it?’

‘You
knew
?’

‘Well, er, no … only the suspicions you told your mum about.’ He held up his hands. ‘And before you fly off the handle, I know she wasn’t supposed to tell me, but she worries.’

‘What happened to us, Dad?’ Hayley asked as she slumped on the side of the armchair, resting her head in her hand.

‘I’m not entirely sure,’ Stan said, shaking his head. ‘We always thought you were perfect for each other.’

‘I did too,’ Hayley answered flatly, grabbing a hankie from the coffee table and wiping her eyes. ‘Why did he have to spoil everything? Selfish bastard.’

‘Oh, Hayley,’ Stan said gently. ‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Isn’t it?’ she said stubbornly.

‘No,’ Stan shook his head. ‘Relationships are like houses. They need maintenance and if you’re not ready for that you shouldn’t buy one. And if the foundation isn’t solid to begin with, well …’

‘What are you trying to say, Dad?’

‘Ah, your mum’s so much better at this than me.’ He paused, scratched his neck. ‘I just wish you two had started working things out years ago.’

Hayley frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

He shifted in his chair and drummed the side of it with his hand. ‘If I try to tell you will you bite my head off again?’

Hayley’s body stiffened for a second. She opened her mouth to launch a counter-attack, but thought better of it. ‘No,’ she said, and shook her head. ‘Not this time. I promise.’

Stan waited for a few seconds. ‘Okay … I mean … it all started when you were in Chicago, didn’t it? When you found out you were pregnant.’ He looked out of the window, then picked a bit of fluff off his sweater before continuing. ‘We were so pleased when you told us he’d flown over.’

Hayley stared at him.

Stan’s smile faded and he swallowed. ‘You know … your mum thinks he reckons you only got back together because you were pregnant,’ Stan said as he shook his head. ‘That’s bloke logic for you. But I know it’s not true. That isn’t the biggest issue.’

‘What do you mean? What is?’

‘He swore me to secrecy but I reckon he’s lost that privilege, given the circumstances.’ Stan looked at Hayley. ‘He still thinks you blame him for Tony’s accident.’

‘Tony’s accident?’ Hayley said as she watched her father carefully.

‘Poor lad. Awful, wasn’t it?’ Stan said. He took off his glasses and started wiping them on his sweater. ‘So unlucky.’

An image of Tony in a hospital bed invaded her mind. She heard the beeping machines. Saw his bruised face as if it were in front of her. Remembered his shattered legs.

‘Oh my god. Tony …’ she said. ‘He can’t walk.’

Stan shook his head. ‘I can’t imagine being paralysed like that. Goodness knows how his wife coped, being pregnant and all, especially with him being in the States.’

Of course …

Hayley remembered the proud excitement in Tony’s voice over the phone. ‘We’re calling her Evie. She’s all pink and wrinkly and cute as hell. Ange reckons she’ll be a real ball-buster, just like her daddy.’

A chill ran down her spine.

‘Let me get you some water, love, you’ve gone all white,’ Stan said. He got up and Hayley heard him running the tap in the kitchen.

Tony’s fine. You saw him the other day. Calm down, breathe. It’s just a glimpse.

She relaxed her shoulders but then the realisation hit her.

But if it’s just a glimpse, then … then Dad being well is only a glimpse too.

She dug her nails into her skin to suppress the scream that was trying to escape her throat.

This isn’t right. This isn’t bloody fair.

Stan returned and handed a glass to Hayley. After she’d taken a few gulps of water she felt the colour return to her cheeks.

‘I told Sean Tony’s accident wasn’t his fault. If anyone’s to blame it’s the lorry driver who crashed into the taxi,’ Stan said. ‘But Sean said he convinced you to fly back to London for a while to work things out and Tony had offered to sub for you …’ He paused. ‘Then you miscarried …’

‘Yes,’ Hayley said softly. She put a hand to her stomach and remembered the look on the doctor’s face as he told her she’d lost her little baby, the one she didn’t think she wanted until it was gone.

Stan spoke quietly. ‘He blames himself for the miscarriage too. Said it was the stress of the accident.’

‘No.’ Hayley shook her head. ‘It would have happened anyway.’

‘I know, so you said, but try telling him that. He said it’s his fault you left Simpson and Partner’s because of what happened to Tony. I told him it was your decision. I couldn’t have faced all those people staring at me either. Although I still don’t get why you had to go to Klingel’s. You always said you hated them. Your mother reckons …’ He stopped.

‘What?’

‘Well, love, that it’s your way of punishing yourself for everything that’s happened. Your way of denying yourself the right to be happy.’

Hayley’s scratched her head, digesting the statement, wondering how much shit a couple could withstand before the relationship broke beyond the point of repair. This wasn’t how she’d imagined her life with Sean. It wasn’t just a mess, it was a clusterfuck.

‘So I blame myself and Sean blames himself,’ she finally said.

‘It certainly seems that way, love. That’s what I meant about the foundation not being solid.’

Did I make him blame himself? Or did I let him feel that way? Have I done that to Rick?

Stan puffed out his cheeks. ‘I could wring Sean’s bloody neck for cheating on you, I really could,’ he said angrily. He put a hand to his chest. ‘But I can’t forget that I owe him my life.’

‘Your life?’ Hayley said, locking her eyes on her father’s. ‘Sean?’

‘Well, yes, love. If he hadn’t taken me to hospital when I mentioned the pins and needles, I could have had a stroke.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I could be dead.’

Hayley opened her mouth to answer when the front door burst open and the high-pitched noise of children’s squeals filled the air.

‘Jakey, no,’ said a little girl’s voice as the door handle bounced on the wall repeatedly, making a thud-thud-thud noise. ‘Ouch,
ouch
!’

‘Stop pushing me, Jenny. Get
off
!’

‘Come on, kids,’ Karen said and clapped her hands three times. ‘Get your coats off and I’ll make you a drink.’

Hayley stopped breathing as she heard the muffled sounds of footsteps on the carpet coming closer, and she jumped when a head popped through the doorway.

‘Mummyyyyyy!’ The little girl she recognised from the photo launched herself at Hayley like a torpedo. She climbed into her lap and her little arms slid around Hayley’s neck. ‘Mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah
.’ She kissed Hayley noisily on her forehead, left cheek, chin and right cheek. ‘That’s a clock kiss, Mummy. See?’ She repeated the kisses. ‘It goes round and round like a clock. Twelve, three, six and nine. See?’

Hayley gave in to the embrace and hugged Jenny back as another little hand slipped into hers, gently curling around her fingers.

Jake.

‘I missed you, Mummy,’ Jake whispered. ‘I love you.’

She pulled them both close, shut her eyes and breathed in the mix of fruity shampoo and Lenor fabric softener. They smelled exactly like Millie and Danny. ‘I’ve missed you,’ she whispered, hugging them more tightly. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’ She let them go to look at them, captivated by Jennifer’s curly hair and hazel eyes, Jake’s gentle face that had his father’s – Sean’s – features.

They’re so gorgeous, so beautiful.

She felt her heart surge as she stared at them. ‘I bet Morgan loves playing with you two,’ she said to herself and smiled.

‘Who’s Morgan, Mummy?’ Jenny asked as she twisted a strand of Hayley’s hair around her fingers, tickling Hayley’s ear.

Hayley frowned. ‘Mark and Ellen’s little girl.’

She saw her parents look at each other and recognised the worried glance that meant something was up. She’d only seen it on a few occasions – each time when one of her grandparents had died and the day Jackie fell over at home when she was six months pregnant.

Karen’s expression changed quickly and she smiled at Hayley. ‘It’s been a long time since … since you mentioned her.’

‘Morgan? Really?’

Karen frowned. ‘Who? No. Ellen.’

‘Why wouldn’t I mention my best friend?’ Hayley said, absentmindedly stroking Jennifer’s silky hair.

She watched her parents look at each other again, then Karen clapped her hands and, in her best Julie Andrews voice said, ‘Come on, kids, who wants a hot chocolate? Race you to the kitchen.’

Jake and Jennifer ran out of the room, giggling and shouting, ‘Me! Me first, Grandma!’

Karen kept her eyes on Hayley. ‘Stan,’ she said, ‘why don’t you two go out for a walk? I’ll make the kids some beans on toast for lunch.’

‘Come on, love,’ Stan said, gesturing to Hayley. ‘Let’s go to the park. The one with the red swings and the hollow tree trunk. Remember?’

Hayley smiled. She’d loved that playground and always made a huge fuss as they’d walked past it when she was little. At that age nothing beat the thrill of swinging so high you could only see your dusty shoes against the blue sky. She used to think she’d fly to the moon if she let go.

Jake and Jennifer ran out from the kitchen and hugged her tightly. ‘Bye Mummy!’

‘Bye Jake, bye Jenny,’ Hayley said as she bent over to kiss and hug them. ‘I can’t wait to see you again later.’

‘So …’ Stan said as they walked down the road. ‘Can we talk about Ellen?’

‘Why wouldn’t we?’ Hayley said evenly.

Stan looked taken aback. ‘It’s just that … you … we …’

‘Dad,’ Hayley snapped, tiring of the confusion. ‘I’ve spent a crazy last few days. Give me a hand here, would you? Why do I get the feeling I’ve done something wrong?’

Stan winced. ‘Oh lord, no. You haven’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known.’

Hayley stood still. ‘Known what?’

He walked back to her and rubbed her arm. ‘I’m not blaming you. Nobody does.’

She waved her hands around. ‘For what, Dad?’

‘You really want me to say it?’ When Hayley didn’t answer Stan stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and puffed out his cheeks. Hayley refused to budge and Stan let another ten seconds pass before, very quietly, saying, ‘That she died giving birth, okay? There.’

Hayley grabbed the fence to steady herself. ‘Wh-what?’

‘Listen,’ he whispered, ‘you paid for the fertility treatment but you didn’t kill her, love. Childbirth did.’

‘You’re wrong,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘No way.’

‘It
did
,’ Stan said, clearly mistaking Hayley’s disbelief for disagreement. ‘It was a one in a million chance, you know that.’ He put his hands on her shoulders. ‘But we all know you blame yourself.’ He paused. ‘You’ve refused to talk about it. Any of it. You’ve barely mentioned her since … since it happened. And you haven’t been back to Bromley Parish since the funeral.’