T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (5 page)

It also helps that she worships the ground Ty walks on. Trust me, it could have been so much easier for her to walk away and not look back like Mom did. But she didnt, and you have to admit, that takes
balls.
Annas one of the few people that Ty trusts and has no problem letting her watch him if I need to pick up a couple of extra shifts at the store. Shes the only one who pretends to get his whole vegetarian phase (and I know its just a phase; no brother of mine is going to eat like that forever). She has been there for him better than any woman ever was to him, and I think he needs that every now and then. He cant look up to just me for the rest of his life, right?

Otter sets her down and leans over to whisper something in her ear. She laughs and slaps his shoulder, and I hear her say “Of course Im still watching out for him! Who else is going to call him on his bullshit?” They both look back at me, and Anna sticks out her tongue. I flash mine back. Otter rolls his eyes and mumbles something about “kids these days.” They walk back over to the register where I still stand.

“Wheres the Kid?” she asks me.
“Watching something gross with Creed,” I say.
She smiles sympathetically. “That show on killing cows?” “Yeah. Howd you know?”

“He told me about it last week when I was babysitting him.” Anna looks over at Otter and whispers conspiratorially, “He didnt want me to tell Bear because he said Bear would be too scared to watch it.” I scowl as Otter laughs. Just because apparently nobody
I
know is normal like me.

“So, Otter, what brings you back home? Getting too famous for California already?” she asks him.

He shrugs nonchalantly. “Just felt like I needed to come home for a little bit, I guess. Hey, wheres the soy ice cream? I promised the Kid some after he drank my beer.” Anna points toward the end of the store. “Ill be right back,” he says, walking away.

Anna looks after him for a moment then turns to me. She leans forward a little bit, as if we are going to be overheard. “So whats going on with him?”

“I dont know. Why would I know?”

“He didnt tell you why he came back home? He never just comes back to Seafare like this. He hasnt been back for over a year. And,” she says, quieter, “he seems a little sad.” This takes me by surprise. I hadnt noticed anything like that, and I tell Anna shes projecting, a word she learned in her Psych 101 class that she uses on me all the time. She slaps me on the shoulder and goes to help a woman who looks older than God and apparently needed to come out into the rain to buy sandwich bags. And thats it.

“Has it been busy tonight?” I ask, looking around.

She shrugs as she takes the womans money. “A little bit. It picked up again once it started raining, but Mary is here so it wasnt too bad.” Mary is another cashier we work with who smells like menthols and Juicy Fruit. I dont know where she gets the gum from because I dont think they even make it anymore. Anna says shes got a stockpile of it at her house that she bought years ago. I think shes joking, though. I hope shes joking.

Otter comes back, setting the ice cream on the conveyer belt. I dont think he looks sad. He looks like Otter. Anna doesnt know what shes talking about. What would he have to be sad about? He has a killer job, gets paid lots of money. I am sure hes got a cool house or apartment or something. He doesnt have to worry about someone depending on him to survive. Hes not stuck in Seafare. Boo hoo.

Okay, Im sounding bitter. And Im staring. And he catches me. Otter grins crookedly. “Did you want something too, Bear?” he asks.

Yes!
I shout in my head.
I want you to go back to California! I want you to stop talking! I want to know why I came with you! I want to know why you
let
me come with you! Why, Otter? Why did you run away! Right when I needed—

“No,” I say out loud. “I dont need anything.”

 

He shrugs and says to Anna, “So you coming over to hang out? I know Creed would want to see you.”

Anna shakes her head. “I have to work late tonight and then study. I still have two finals left before Im out for the summer.”
“Hows school going for you?” he asks.

“Ill be glad when its done,” she says, taking his money and handing him the change. “Then you can help me to convince Bear to start taking a few classes in the fall. Youre going to be around for a while, right? How long are you here for?”

He hesitates. “I dont know. Probably for a little while. There are some things I need to work out,” he repeats, looking down at his hands.

“Well, good,” Anna says with a smile. “Then you can really help me make Bear go to school. Dont you think he could swing it? Hes got a few of us here that would be more than willing to help with Ty.” Shes starting to piss me off.

“Yeah, sure,” he says. “So, I guess Ill see you later, then.” “Bye, Otter.”

He walks by me, arching his eyebrow. “Ill go wait in the car. Just dont be too long. I dont want to face the Kids wrath if we get back, and his ice cream is all melted.”

“His
soy
ice cream,” I say back. He doesnt stop and walks out the door, back into the rain.
Anna comes round the register and grabs onto my arm. “You see what Im talking about?” she asks. “Somethings wrong.”

I shake off her hand. “Nothings wrong, Anna. Just leave it alone. Otters Otter. Hes alright.” I turn to look at her levelly. “And would you just drop it with the whole school thing? You know I cant do anything about that right now.”

She looks at me knowingly, seeing right through me, and I divert my eyes. I can feel her flip her hair in anger, and I dont want to fight with her now. Ive got too many things on my mind to worry about one of us being mad at the other. I look back and kiss her lightly on the lips. “I gotta go. Otters waiting for me.”

She swats me on the ass as I turn to go. “Give me a call later if youre going to get drunk and need a ride.” Her voice is neutral.

I laugh, knowing that she knows Im not going to get drunk. I havent been drunk in a while. A very long while. Stupid shit happens when I drink.
Whoosh
, the doors go as they open and
whoosh
they go again, closing behind me.

I
T
S
raining harder now. I dont say anything when I get back into the car,

and I hope that Otter doesnt want to talk, either. Most people dont realize that its nice to not talk every now and then. Talking makes things real. Talking puts things in the forefront. Talking is a waste of time. Nothing ever gets solved by talking about it. People speak too much and regret what they say, but if you dont speak at all, you cant feel like a jackass later.

I glance over at Otter out of the corner of my eye. His face is unreadable from what I can see, and thats only when a street lamp overhead passes by and flashes through the window. I think that maybe Anna can see things that I cant. Shes kind of cool like that, having insights into people that I never have. Yeah, I give her shit about it, telling her shes prying where shes not wanted, telling her that shes
projecting
, but usually shes right. I sigh and look back out the window.

“What?” Otter asks.
“What what?” I say.
“It sounded like you just said something.”
“I didnt.”
“Oh.”
Its quiet a little bit longer before, “So you and Anna still, huh?” “Me and Anna,” I say.
“You guys have been together for a long time.”
“I guess. Off and on.”
5… 4… 3… 2… 1….
“So howre you holding up, Bear?”

Its inevitable. People always ask me this like I am going to break. Like Im going to fall down and never get up. I wish people werent so predictable. I wish Otter wasnt so predictable.

“Fine.”

 

“Oh.” A minute passes. Then, “Well, you seem to be doing well. And

Ty, man, the Kid seems to be getting bigger all the time.”
“People change. Thats what happens when you disappear for a while,” I
think, then bunch my fists as I realize I said it out loud.
Shit.
“Disappear?” he asks, sounding genuinely surprised.
“Forget it.”

“What do you mean, forget it? You cant say something like that and expect the conversation just to be over because you say it is, Bear.” I can hear him gritting his teeth and I think its because hes mad. Good. Let him be mad.

“Yes, I can,” I retort, hating how I sound.
Another minute passes. Rain on the roof beating a song.

I hear Otter snort and shake his head. “I didnt disappear, Derrick. You knew where I was.”

At that moment, I hate him. Using my name like that, like hes talking down to me, like hes better than me, like hes talking to a child. Thats something my moms infinite string of boyfriends use to do. I was never Bear to them, not that I wanted to be. But the way they said it, this knowledge in their eyes, grinning at me when my mom wasnt looking. Always with the same thought:
Yeah, I’m here with her. What are you going to do about it? Stay home and take care of your brother like you’re supposed to.

“You left,
Oliver
,” I snap at him. “Call it whatever you want, but you left.”
His hands grip the steering wheel so that his knuckles turn white. I glare at him with my arms crossed against my chest, daring him to speak, daring him to try and say anything in rebuttal. He quickly looks over his shoulder and changes lanes, signaling to pull into a parking lot of a strip mall where tourists go to waste money on snow globes and dried starfish. Its all dark now, all of the shops closed since no one comes out in the rain. He pulls into a parking space and puts the Jeep into park. He sits there and stares straight ahead, tapping the steering wheel with the palm of his right hand. I turn away, feeling embarrassed. I should have kept my mouth shut. Wed be almost back to his house by now.
“Bear,” he starts, still gritting his teeth. He rubs his hands over his head, the short blond stubble slipping through his fingers. “Bear,” he starts again.
“What!” I huff, annoyed.
He turns to look at me, and now I can see what Anna was talking about. I can see the sadness in his eyes and etched across his face. If it was there before, it wasnt like this. I curse myself for being so weak, for calling him out on some bullshit he doesnt need to hear. Who the fuck am I to say anything? I am supposed to just grin and Bear it. Thats what Ive always done, and thats what I should have done now, regardless of how deeply, secretly angry I am.
“Look, Otter,” I say, suddenly nervous. He shakes his head and I stop. He goes back to bumping his palm on the steering wheel. I wait.
Finally, after ages, “Is that what you think? You think I abandoned you?”
I dont speak. I dont trust what would spill out of my mouth. He waits some more, his hand beating in time with the sound of the rain on the Jeeps roof.
Again, finally, “I didnt want for you to think I was abandoning you, Bear. I just thought….” He sighs. “I just thought it would be better for everyone if I wasnt around for a while.”
I can stay silent no longer. “Better for whom?” I cry out, gasping as I feel the sudden sting of tears. “Better for you? How could that have made anything better? I woke up and you were
gone
! Do you know what that felt like? Do you!” I know how I sound, but I cant stop. “You left, just like
she
did! And you
promised
you wouldnt! What the hell was I supposed to think?”
“Bear,” he says, a warning in his voice. “You dont know what was going on.”
“How could I?” I shout at him, raging. “You never told me anything! You did what you did to me, and then you left!”
His head snaps up to me, his eyes no longer sad, but blazing. “What I did to you? Jesus Christ! Who the hell do you think you are? You all but
told
me to leave!”
“I
know
who the fuck I am, you bastard. And I know who you are. Youre just like
her
.” I reach into my pocket for my wallet and pull it out. Inside is a piece of paper Ive carried for a year and a half. Its yellowing with age and has ripped in a couple of places from how many times I have opened and read it. I hurl it at him. It bounces off his chin and into his lap. “Read it.” He doesnt move. “
Read it!
” I shout.
He opens it and I see his face go white. “You… you kept this?” he whispers. “Bear, I—”
Thats it, I cant take it anymore. I fumble about for the door handle, blinded by
tears
for Christs sake, and throw open the door. I am furious. Furious at myself for crying in front of him, furious at Otter for tricking me like he did, furious at myself for thinking of him like that.
No!
I growl to myself, stomping through the rain, not caring where I am going.
Otter did this! I didn’t do anything wrong. He tricked me! He tricked me and left! Just like I knew he would!
I think I hear him call my name, but my ears are pounding too hard to be sure. It sounds like the ocean. Im about to start running when I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind, clasping on my chest. I turn around to swing at him but can only get partway before I get caught in a vise grip.
“Let go of me!” I snarl, wanting to kick and bite and punch and hurt.
“Bear,” he says, his voice grumbling in my ear. “Bear.”
“Im not like you!” I say, still struggling to get away. “Im not like that!”
“I know, Bear. I know.” His breath is hot against my cold skin. “Dont you think I know that? I shouldnt have let it happen. Im sorry. Im so sorry.”
I stop fighting him, feeling all the anger fall out of me like someone flipped a switch. “Why are you here?” I moan. “Why did you come back?”
He grabs me by the chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “It has nothing to do with what happened between us. As far as I am concerned, that was a mistake. We never should have kissed.”

3. Where Bear Looks to the Past

O
KAY
, time out! Seriously. This is getting
way
out of hand. And no complaining, either! The way youll hear it from him will probably make me sound like a fag. Well, Im not, so you can get that out of your head right now. Besides, Im the one telling the story, and Im going to tell it my own way. Youll just have to deal with it. And besides, this whole thing would make a lot more sense if I could go back a little bit to tell you what led up to this moment. Maybe itll make sense to me too as to why I am standing outside of the Seashack: Gifts and Curios, clutching my best friends brother in the rain. Shit like this isnt supposed to happen to me.