To Honor (2 page)

Best wishes,

Beth Walker

For Astridia: Though we never held you in our arms, they feel empty just the same.

For J. Herman: May the compassion you showed us forever be reflected on you.

For B. Sanders: The only therapist I've ever met that I felt like I could trust.

R&R Series

D.F. Krieger

Copyright © 2012

Chapter One

The lights flashed above Evelyn, bright white in rows, giving her the sense of motion. The world around her dimmed at the edges and she reached for the blessed darkness that offered to envelop her. Yes, this was what she wanted. Peace.

A voice echoed on the horizon of her reality. "Please," it begged.

She frowned at the voice, wishing she could shrug it away. A part of her hesitated. The voice was familiar, causing a mixture of pleasure and pain—so much pain—that shred her very soul. Warmth wrapped around her hand, though nothing was there. A pressure, a small squeeze, a tug that caused her world to become a little more solid.

"Don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...for everything." Sobs punctuated the words now, and the sound made Evelyn want to cry too.

"—insert an IV. Has she had any alcohol to drink, Mr. Moore?"

IV? Evelyn struggled now, flailing at the shadows around her. The darkness had promised her freedom from all of her pain. It had bargained with her: the pain that plagued every moment would go away forever if she just took the pills. The darkness never said anything about needles, about more pain.

"No IV," she cried out.

The world burst open, the fog that surrounded her evaporated in a flinch-worthy cacophony and painful, blinding light. People bustled all around her; people that averted their gazes and wore scrubs or lab coats. Curtains with bright, horrid patterns surrounded her on all four sides.

Hospital! I’m in a hospital.

Panic welled up as two of the nurses began preparing needles. Another squeeze on her hand had her turning her head. It took a moment for her to register that her husband was sitting there, encasing her hand with both of his own. Derek's face appeared so different; pale and haggard. His chocolate eyes were red-rimmed and tears streamed freely down his face. His BDUs, usually so clean and without creases, were now rumpled and sported a few stains.

"Derek?" Tears filled her voice as she beseeched him with pleading eyes. "No IV. Don't let them put an IV in me. I hate needles!"

"Mrs. Moore?" A doctor patted her knee, his kind face doing nothing to alleviate the sick panic that clawed at her stomach. "I'm glad you're back with us. We're going to draw some blood to make sure the pills you took aren't causing your kidneys to shut down. We need to put an IV in and get some fluids in you to help flush your system out."

His words sounded slurred in her head as a wave of dizziness crashed into Evelyn. Uncertain of what the doctor was trying to tell her, she looked to her husband for help. "No IV's," she whispered as she collapsed against the bed.

"I'm sorry, honey." He choked on a sob before nodding at the doctor. "Do whatever you have too. I can't lose my wife."

Evelyn wailed like a newborn baby, though the sound quickly became distant, as if the noise didn't belong to her. "How could you?"

I like you more than my wife. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything anymore.

Then divorce her. She's a crazy bitch anyway.

"Now you're going to feel a little sting. Just take calm, deep breaths." A nurse's voice, cheery and grating, greeted Evelyn from the fog that was settling in once more.

I can't be the man for you anymore. I want a divorce.

"You left me for her!" Evelyn struggled against the memories, the words. Bile rose in her throat and she couldn't get her breath. Please, just let me die!

"We need an oxygen mask here!"

"Stay with me, Evelyn." Derek's voice called out to her as the darkness took her once more. "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me and stay with me."

* * * *

Derek pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and exhaled. His breath fogged up the view of the night sky and he swallowed a lump in his throat at the sight. That’s how his life had been lately; whited out by a self-imposed fog.

How could I have been so stupid?

“Moore?” A hand settled on Derek’s shoulder. “How’s she doing?”

He turned to face Jonathan Flint and shook his head. “Eva’s out cold. They gave her a sedative and she’s under constant surveillance. They—
”
His voice broke as he fought to keep his self control. Humiliation, guilt, anger, fear; all of these things battled within him as he met the gaze of his superior officer. “They want to put her in a mental ward.”

“I know,” Flint said. Then, in a softer tone, “It’s standard procedure for a suicide attempt.”

Derek turned to face the window again. Tears threatened to fall and he didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Weak, insecure, stupid. “I can’t let her go, sir. It’ll only make things worse.”

“The way I understood it, Moore, there’s not much choice in the matter.”

“I know.” Derek pressed his forehead against the window once more. The sensation of defeat washed over him as he closed his eyes. “If she goes, I’ll lose her forever.”

Flint settled in one of the chairs beside where he stood. Derek opened his eyes and stared at his superior officer, a man he’d known and trusted for years. Jonathan’s face betrayed no emotion, his features were completely passive, yet Derek wondered how much disappointment swam under the surface.

“Isn’t that what you wanted? Divorce usually means asking to be apart, forever.”

There it was. Derek shook his head, though he knew the denial was useless. A vision of Evelyn’s face, stunned and tear streaked, appeared before his eyes. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

Flint shrugged, his face still stoic. “I’m not going to argue that. Eva’s a hell of a woman. Good cook, faithful, not bad on the eyes. I have to admit, half the chain of command wanted to know what the hell you were thinking.”

“I wasn’t.” Derek met Jonathan’s gaze, hoping the man could see the truth.

“Landers has been removed from duty until further notice and is now under investigation. You’re not the first time something like this has occurred with her.”

He flinched at hearing his therapist’s name. The thought of the woman left a foul sensation in his mind and taste in his mouth. How strange, he mused, that it was the same woman who had convinced him to leave his wife. The same woman he’d been having an affair with for almost a month now. An emotional affair, nothing physical had ever happened between them, but an affair just the same.

Now, because of the affair, because of Toni Landers, because of his stupidity, the woman he loved was fighting to lie down and die. Derek had no one to blame but himself, really. He could have stopped the whole thing at any point, could have honored his vows. Hearing that Toni—no, Landers—apparently made a practice of this only made him feel sicker.

“Listen.” Flint took out some papers from the side pocket of his BDUs and unfolded them. “You two have been through hell these past few months. Both you and Landers claim the affair wasn’t physical, and you’ve never had any infractions before. I had a talk with the chain of command and I routed this for you tonight, just after you called and said you were taking Eva to the hospital.”

Derek took the offered papers with a shaking hand. He stared at the print, attempting to read the chit despite the fact the text was blurring before his eyes. “Sir?”

“It’s a leave chit. A conditional leave chit. You’ve been granted emergency leave to accompany your wife to a special care facility. They have the means there to treat your wife…and you.” Flint paused and stared out the window. The silence lingered so long, Derek began to wonder if Jonathan was waiting for him to speak. “I really hope you two can work through this, Moore.”

“Thank you.” Derek shot Flint what he knew was a half-hearted smile.

Chapter Two

Evelyn lifted her head and flinched at the bright sunlight that caressed her face. Her head ached, a dull pressure that caused her to reach up and pat her temples. To her relief, there wasn’t some strange device squeezing her head. It simply felt like there was.

She blinked in an attempt to clear up her blurred vision and center her thoughts.
Where is Derek? For that matter, where am I?

Another wave of dizziness and pain marched through her skull. Evelyn leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes. As the pain decreased, she searched her memories for some clue as to what was going on. Bits and pieces came back, slow and stilted.

The pain as needles bit into her flesh. The wail of sirens that seemed to surround her. Derek’s eyes, staring at her with unshed tears swimming in their depths.

I can’t be the man for you anymore. I want a divorce.

Derek! Derek had said those words to her. He had lashed out at her verbally, admitting he wanted a divorce. All because she’d found his phone. His phone, with those text messages…

“Derek?” Evelyn picked her husband’s cell phone up as she hollered for him. “Your phone is flashing. You got a text message.”

  When silence met her, she shrugged. A flick of her thumb across the screen brought up the message. She and Derek checked each other’s phones all the time. It wasn’t a matter of distrust so much as convenience. Moments later, the phone clattered to the ground as she stared at her hand. Surely he didn’t mean what he’d said.

I like talking to you better than my wife.

Her husband walked in the room, took one look at her, and his face went red. Evelyn wasn’t sure if it was from anger or embarrassment, but it didn’t matter. A kind of numbness encased her while tears streamed down her face. She didn’t beg, she didn’t scream, she didn’t say a word. Even as Derek stood there, airing out a laundry list of reasons how she’d ruined their marriage, Evelyn never fought back.

He left, slamming the door behind him and a sense of peace washed over her. So many things had happened the past few months, terrible things. Events that left her awake at night, wondering how she was going to get through the next day. She’d stayed alive only because she loved her husband. Now she was free.

The pills she took were hard to swallow at first. She’d always hated taking pills, hated the way they made her gag a little as they went down her throat. The more she took, the easier it was. After eighteen, she lost count, or ran out. She couldn’t remember. Evelyn did remember pacing in the living room, wondering why they were not working. When she sat down on the couch, sluggishness set in, like a cool breeze on a balmy night…