To Honor (9 page)

Evelyn shrugged as she made her way to the door. “Let them. After all, I am certified crazy now, aren’t I? I’ll just plead temporary insanity.”

With a laugh that startled even her, Evelyn exited Dr. Williams’ office and slammed the door shut behind her. Good riddance to old rubbish.

* * * *

At lunch the next day, Derek waited for his wife with two bags on hand. One held tacos, the other a surprise that he was sure she’d love. Or at least, he hoped she’d love it. Surely she would at least like it.

He shook his head at his thoughts, chasing the demons of his self-esteem away. He knew Evelyn better than anyone else in the world. He’d spent years by her side, been through things with her that people had nightmares about, and he wasn’t going to second guess his gift to her.

Due to an extra “class” he’d had to participate in yesterday, Derek hadn’t seen Evelyn since yesterday’s lunch. At Dr. Sherman’s insistence, he’d participated in a lecture that dealt with helping patients transition back into their homes and lifestyles. It covered topics like recognizing triggers that could cause harmful behavior, how to deal with questions from people who noticed the family member was gone, and stressed follow-up therapy at qualified psychotherapists in or near the home town. Derek came away from the class with a whole new respect for the daily struggle his wife must have faced before she’d attempted suicide.

When she entered the cafeteria, the first thing he noticed was the determination on her face. Evelyn was on a war path, and he found himself flipping through his memories, trying to figure out what he could have done to piss her off. He stood, meeting her halfway, as his stomach tied itself in knots of apprehension.

“What’s wrong?”

At his words, her face seemed to soften a little. She placed a kiss on his cheek before gesturing towards the fast food bag. “I smell tacos. Let’s eat while I tell you about it.”

He nodded and sat, making certain every bit of his body language indicated he was listening to her. Derek wanted to be certain that she knew he was there and ready to help. Like he should have done before.

“Dr. Williams has decided I can’t go home yet. Apparently I’m a drug addict.” Though her words were calm, he noticed that her face had become an emotionless mask. The idea that someone thought something like that about her obviously bothered her on a deep level.

“You are no such thing. Where did he get an idea like that?”

Evelyn took a bite from a taco, chewed it, then swallowed before answering. “My hospital papers from my transfer state I was a drug overdose case. In his mind, drug overdose automatically means drug addict.”

“I’ll have a talk with him. He sounds like a real dick and I wouldn’t mind giving him a piece of my mind.” Derek crumpled a wrapper in his hand as he imagined it was this Williams.

She waved his anger away before shooting him a half-hearted smile. “I fired him. Okay, so actually I told him that you were going to fire him. You are going to fire him, right?”

He met his wife’s gaze and summoned the most reassuring smile he could muster. “I’m thinking that Dr. Sherman might be a better therapist for you. I’ll speak to him as soon as we’re done with lunch and ask how to make that happen.”

With a sound of joy, Evelyn jumped up from her side of the table and wrapped him in a tight hug. “Thank you,” she whispered before kissing his temple. “That man is a negative Nelly and I can’t stand one more second of him. Please, I want to go home.”

“We’ll get you home, Eva. Just leave everything to me.”

Chapter Twelve

After they’d finished eating, Derek stayed true to his word and left to speak with Dr. Sherman. Evelyn remained in the cafeteria, staring at a TV screen as she mused over her own private thoughts. She didn’t feel like going back to her room, even upstairs at all, for that matter. Being up there gave her the creeps and some of the patients frightened her.

“Are you alright?”

The gentle voice, one that Evelyn recognized immediately, was a welcome intrusion on her
thoughts. She smiled up at Sandra
. “As okay as I can be.”

The nurse smiled and sat down across from her with a lunch tray. “Hmmm, something tells me you need a listening ear. What’s up? Everything okay between you and Mr. Moore?”

Her and Derek? Evelyn blinked, caught by surprise over the question. She and her husband were, for now, the least of her worries. But Sandra’s question did put things into perspective. She’d spent so much time worrying about how to get out of this place, she’d almost forgotten what put her here to begin with.

“I…” She frowned and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. “Well, I think we’re okay. I guess we’re okay.”

I like you better than my wife.

Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to block out the voice. No, no, no! Not now. She’d come too far to let the voices that haunted her gain ground again now. “Dr. Williams is an asshole and called me a drug addict,” she blurted out.

When silence met her, she opened a single eye tentatively. Sandra sat staring at her, mouth agape. “That’s awful. Not that I don’t believe you, but why would he say something like that?”

In misery, Evelyn opened her eyes fully and stared down at the table. “I took a bunch of pills when I tried to commit suicide. Because my hospital transfer records say I had an overdose, somehow that automatically labels me a drug addict. He told me I can’t go home for another month.”

Warmth enveloped her hand and she realized Sandra had covered it with her own. “You really want to go home, don’t you?”

Evelyn nodded as she blinked back tears. Why did it seem like she was always crying? She hated crying. “I’m sure a place like this is wonderful for people who truly are mentally disturbed, but being here just makes me feel worse. I don’t belong here. My depression stemmed from circumstance, not some kind of hormonal, chemical, whatever imbalance.”

“Are you no longer depressed?”

Somehow, she knew Sandra’s question had a deeper meaning than the obvious. Evelyn mulled the question over for a few moments. Was she no longer depressed? No. The wounds she suffered from would take a long time to heal. They would certainly take far longer than the month she’d been here. There was no instant cure, no magic fix-all that could take the pain of losing her baby away. And no eraser in the world was big enough to remove the memories of discovering the horrible text messages on her husband’s phone.

“I’m still depressed,” she admitted, speaking slowly as she chose her words with care. “I often find myself sitting and crying because I try so hard to figure out why these things happened, and I have no answer. Just a bunch of what-if’s and self accusations. But I no longer want to die.”

Sandra gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I like hearing that. Living is good.”

E
velyn offered her a weak smile.
“
After Astridea died, I spent a lot of time in stasis. Bed rest from the coma gave me lots of time to agonize and obsess over her death and the wreck. The few times I tried to talk to Derek about it, he was distant. I know now that it was his way of dealing with the pain and fear, and he’s promised me that he’ll never use that method again should anything else ever happen. Back then, though, I saw it as him rejecting me. Further proof that I was to blame for it all. Then…” Her voice wavered as the emotions washed over her, raw and stinging, like salt in an open wound. “When I saw the messages between him and his therapist. Derek and the woman who was supposed to be helping us fix our life…”

“It’s okay.” Sandra patted her hand. “I understand. I don’t approve of the way you chose to deal with it, but I understand.”

“Sandra? I know I’m not schizophrenic. I’m not. But since then, when I get scared, the things they wrote to each other…I hear them, in my head.”

“Well.” The nurse pulled back and stared at her with a thoughtful expression. “You just need to drown those voices out. They have no room in your life and no right to fill your head with terrible words. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know one thing that’ll help.”

Evelyn leaned forward as she awaited Sandra’s next words. She listened so intently that she held her breath for fear she might miss out on, or worse yet, misunderstand the golden wisdom that was about to be imparted to her.

“Every time you hear those nasty words, you yell even
louder in your head. You say,
I am loved
.
Don’t try to think about who or where or why. You just need to know, and believe those words.”

I am loved. She repeated the mantra in her head a few times, liking how it filled her with strength. “Thank you.” The words came out a mere whisper, but Evelyn knew Sandra heard them just the same.

Whatever reply that rested on Sandra’s lips was interrupted by the trill of her cell phone. The nurse pulled it out, glanced at the caller, then shot Evelyn an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, is it okay if I take this? It’s my mom.”

With a laugh, Evelyn waved a dismissive had at her. “Go on, shoo.”

After issuing another apology, Sandra left the table and disappeared out one of the doors. Evelyn sighed and contemplated the time. Normally she’d be in therapy with Dr. William’s right now, but she’d be damned if she was going to that. There was no help for it, she was just going to have to head up stairs and hide in her room.

As she rose, her foot hit something under the table that made a soft crinkle sound. Puzzled, Evelyn pulled a plastic bag out and opened it. Sandra hadn’t been carrying a bag when she sat down, so Evelyn assumed it was something Derek forgot.

Inside was a shoebox. She pulled the box out and opened it as well. A thrill of delight went through her at the sight of a new pair of boots in her size. Tucked in the top of one was a note.

Eva,

May your first steps in these be on the road to rebuilding our future.

Love, Derek

P.S. – Here’s a pair they can’t take laces from!

* * * *

Derek stepped outside and took a deep breath to calm his temper. His wife hadn’t been kidding, that doctor was a real prick. The board was willing to listen to both sides, but he knew it would take more than his word and Dr. Sherman’s endorsement to beat this guy. The man was smoother than a recruiter buttering up high school kids.

He knew if his wife stayed here any longer, what progress they’d made would go downhill and fast. Especially considering his emergency leave would be up in just a few days. Derek needed to get her home and settled before he returned to work. There was no doubt in his mind that if he left her here, alone, that he’d lose his wife. Maybe even in the worst and most permanent way possible. No other option would do; he was going to have to call in the big guns. Derek pulled his cell phone out and flipped it open. Flint answered before the second ring.

“Flint? It’s Moore. It’s about Eva…I need help.”

Chapter Thirteen

Evelyn paced the walkway that curved through the ground’s flower garden in restless anxiety. When she tried to stop, her whole body throbbed, making her imagine herself as a racehorse, pressing against the gate. All she needed was the go, a green light, for that gate to swing open, and she would be out of here faster than the blink of an eye.