To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series) (12 page)

Tina sighed as she
reached over and squeezed Anna's arm.  "Always the rational
one.  If it were me, I'd be having a nonstop anxiety attack right
now."

Anna smiled
sadly.  "Oh believe me … I've come close.  And what doesn't make
sense…"  She paused, her eyes stinging as she struggled to hold back
tears.  "What doesn't make sense is that even though we hadn't known
each other for that long, the way I felt about Caleb is the way I would want to
feel about someone who was the father of my child." 

"How do you
know that this might not help him get better if he knew?"

Anna shot Tina a
crossed glance, then softened as she reminded herself that her friend was only
trying to help.

"It might
give him something positive to focus on," Tina continued.  "A
celebration of life, instead of all the death that he was surrounded by."

"Tina, I
haven't heard from Caleb in close to a month.  Trust me when I say I'm the
last thing on his mind. He's trying to get on with his life, and I can't say I
blame him."

"Do you know
where he's living?"

Anna shrugged,
pretending to herself that the answer didn't cut into her heart.  "I
haven't a clue.  Maybe with his brother, but I really can't be sure."

"Well, I know
thing for certain.  He hasn't forgotten about you, Anna, and who knows –
one day when he's able to put the past behind him, you might just find him
standing in your doorway."

"He's
not
going to put the past behind him.  How could he?  He refuses to acknowledge
that there's even a problem. I know you're just trying to make me feel better,
and I do appreciate it.  But right now I think I need to stay in
reality."  Anna looked up at the ceiling in an effort to trick her
eyes into holding back tears.  As hard as she tried to stay strong in her
acceptance of how things really were, inside she was seared with the dagger of
a different realization:  She did not mean anything to Caleb now … and
perhaps she never had.

Caleb stared hard
at his cell phone, his thumb hovering over the call send button.  Slowly
he lowered it until it made contact with the cold metal tab before quickly
drawing back as though he had touched a hot iron.  Anna's number was keyed
in and ready to go, but once again, he aborted the call at the final
second.  It was almost a daily ritual now – each time convinced that he
was finally ready to reach out to Anna, then concluding that he just couldn't
take that step.  As to why … even he couldn't pinpoint the overriding
reason. It wasn't for a lack of caring on his part – of that, he was
certain.  Anna was always a part of his thoughts, and in quiet times alone
when he wasn't expending energy to fight off unwelcome memories of Afghanistan
or focusing on his new job, she was the thought that stood out front and
center, a thought with tendrils that were linked to a rollercoaster of
emotions.  And maybe that's where the hesitation came – the notion of
opening up a Pandora's Box of possibilities that were equal parts yearned for
and feared. He knew how much Anna meant to him, but he also knew he was broken
inside, despite outwardly insisting otherwise.  And always, the same
conclusion emerged: She deserved more, so much more, than he could give her.

Caleb stashed the
phone back in his pocket, convinced that a well-intentioned yet grave mistake
was once again averted at the last possible moment. As an image of Anna flashed
in his mind, her piercing hazel eyes gazing into his as she lay in his arms, he
shook his head almost violently as if he could physically toss the thought from
his brain.  He had to treat this as methodically as a flying mission, he
reminded himself.  It was in both of their best interests for him to move
on, and any thoughts or emotions that didn't support this conclusion had to be
cut off and buried for good.

ELEVEN

"Thanks again
for coming with me," Anna said as Tina pulled out onto the road from the
Women's Medical Center parking lot.  "I was so nervous about
everything that it helped to have a second set of ears just in case I forget
what was said."

It was early
November, and though the foliage had peaked two weeks earlier, there were still
some bright red and orange swatches that livened up the otherwise barren
landscape.  As Anna gazed out the passenger window, she couldn't help but
feel that the contrast mirrored her present situation: the exhilaration of
carrying a tiny life inside of her … and the emptiness in knowing that the
father, the man she loved, was no longer a part of her world. 
   

"As I
recall," Tina began, "your doctor said everything is looking A-Okay.
And that the baby has a strong heartbeat."

Anna smiled as she
touched her stomach.  At twelve weeks along, she still wasn't showing
signs of a baby bump yet, but the ultrasound had added a sense of realness to a
very unexpected and life-altering situation.

Tina glanced
sideways at Anna, then cast her eyes back on the road.  "And there
was some question as to whether the father would be involved with the
pregnancy."

"Tina
…."

"I know, I
know – I shouldn't be going there but I just want to make sure you don't make a
decision you regret."

"Well, it's
kind of hard telling him about the baby when we haven't even been in touch with
each other for two months at this point."

"I would
think that for something like this, you would find way to reach him."

"Tina, he
doesn't want to be reached – don't you get that?  He doesn't care about
me, so why would I want to drag him into this situation?  Plus I honestly
think that this would put him over the edge, and I can't do that to him. I just
wish you would try to understand where I'm coming from.  Nothing would
make me happier than being with Caleb and having a family together. But it's
just not in the cards. I'm not doing this because I'm trying to deny him the
chance to be a part of his child's life.  I'm doing this because I don't
think he could handle this right now – I really don't."

Tina reached over
and squeezed her hand.  "I'm sorry … I'm only making things harder
for you right now and that's not my intention.  I just really thought that
the two of you …"

"I
know," Anna said quietly as Tina's voice trailed off.

"And you
haven't heard from him at all?"

Anna shook her
head. "It's like he just disappeared. I've thought about contacting his
brother and sister-in-law just to make sure he's okay."

"Do you think
they had concerns about him flying again?"

"I would
think so, seeing that they both felt he needed counseling and he refused to get
help."

"But do you
think maybe this job will have the opposite effect?"

"What do you
mean?"

"That flying
a helicopter again – but not in a war zone this time – might help him put the
past behind him? In other words, it would become a more positive experience for
him again."

"I suppose
it's possible … but I just don't see something like that happening
overnight."

Tina sighed. 
"It's so sad, really.  Do you think he's ever going to get
better?"

Anna looked out
the side window, her eyes glossy as she blinked back tears.  "I don't
know … I'd like to think that the old cliché of time healing all wounds will
apply to him as well, but in my gut I feel otherwise."

Silence ensued as
Tina merged onto the highway.  It was as if nothing more could be said –
at least nothing that would avoid provoking more pain.

"I can't
remember ever feeling this tired in my whole life," Anna said weakly as
she fought to keep her eyes open.

"The doctor
did say that fatigue is common during the first trimester."

"See? I told
you it's good to have a second set of ears."

Tina
grinned.  "We still have a twenty-minute drive so feel free to take a
nap."

"Are you
sure?"

"Of course –
it will be no different than my date who fell asleep next to me at the movie
theater a couple of weeks ago."

"Are you
kidding? You didn't tell me about that."

"Let's just
say you were going through a lot at the time and I didn't want to add to it by
recounting yet another disastrous date."

Anna
laughed.  "It probably would have helped me take my mind off
things."

"Especially
the part about how he slumped against my shoulder and drooled on my
sweater."

Anna buried her
head in her heads. "Oh my god, that is horrible!"

Tina
smirked.  "But you got to admit – it is kind of funny."

"Well, I
promise not to drool on you," Anna said as she repositioned herself more
comfortably and leaned back against the head rest.  In less than a minute,
the rhythmic drone of the car was lulling her to sleep.

"Asshole!
"

Anna popped a
groggy eye open.  "Who?  Me?"

"No – this
jerk who's cutting people off left and right."

Anna did her best
to straighten up in her seat, but her half-napping limbs felt about as solid as
jelly.

"Shouldn't we
be getting off the highway soon?"

"Two more
exits."

"Good,"
she murmured as her eyelids once again grew heavy.

The screech of
tires, and then a blood-curdling scream. Jolted awake, Anna instinctively
braced for impact as the view outside the windshield turned into a blur of
colors accompanied by the equally horrific sound of shattering glass and
crunching metal.  As the air bag deployed and shoved her back against the
seat, she instinctively burrowed her hand beneath it and clutched her stomach.
A final bounce, and then all was still.

"Oh my
god!" Tina screamed hysterically. "We rolled over!" Frantically
she freed herself from the seatbelt and tried to jostle the section of roof
that had been pushed in from the impact, creating a virtual metal wedge between
the two seats.

"Anna! 
Can you hear me?  Are you okay?"

"What
happened?" Anna asked as shock numbed her senses and blurred her memory.

"The guy that
was driving like an idiot – he cut the car off in front of us and I tried to
swerve when they braked but it all happened too fast.  I don't even know
how many cars got knocked off the road, but it was like a chain reaction."

Anna's heart
quickened as she assessed her surroundings and soon realized that she was
trapped.  "I can't get out of here," she said with growing panic
in her voice. "The car door is up against the barrier, and I don't think I
can crawl under this metal between us."

"I see people
standing outside with their cell phones, so I'm sure help is on the way. 
Just … just try to stay calm, Anna."

"What about
you?  Are you injured?"

"I banged my
arm pretty badly and I smacked my head on something – I don't even know
what.  But I'm okay."

Anna closed her
eyes, momentarily wondering if it was all a bad dream.  Approaching sirens
told her otherwise, and she forced herself to concentrate on the fact that they
were both miraculously still alive. But as a sudden sharp pain gripped her
lower abdomen, she knew that something could still go horribly wrong. 

"Tell them to
hurry!" she yelled to no one in particular as pain began to envelope her
entire body.
"Please …"

Caleb circled the
crash site as he assessed the most optimal landing spot, settling on an area
about 100 feet from the four mangled cars on the now blocked-off highway.
Though he had been briefed on the severity of the accident prior to takeoff, he
still whistled low as he viewed the resulting carnage from above.  With
the precision flying skills that were second nature to him, he set the helicopter
down and radioed in to confirm the landing, pausing mid-sentence as his eye
caught a swatch of bright orange hair.  Stretching his neck to get a
closer look, he froze when he recognized Tina's face.  She was crying and
cradling one arm with the other, then pointing with her elbow back to her
crumpled car as the emergency personnel approached. 

It can't be …
Caleb reassured himself as dread flowed heavily through his veins like liquid
lead.  There was someone trapped in the car, but it couldn't be
Anna.  She was too tied up with her job to take the afternoon off for a
shopping spree with Tina, he reasoned.  Still, he threw open the
helicopter door and bounded out, both his heart and pace quickening as he
approached Tina.  Her dazed look was all too familiar to him – it was the
wide-eyed yet blank stare of someone who had just been part of a traumatic
scene that had yet to be processed as "real". 

"Anna is
trapped in the car," she cried, her left eye wincing from the bruise that
was forming just above her eyelid.

"It's okay –
we'll get her out," Caleb replied with the authoritative, even-keeled
composure of his battlefield persona. 

And then, two
words that shattered the illusion of calmness.
 "She's
pregnant!"

Caleb couldn't be
sure if the announcement came from police or medical personnel on the scene,
but either way, the repercussions were the same. He turned to Tina, questioning
with his eyes.

"We were
coming back from the doctor's office," she said, pausing as if debating
whether to utter her next words.  "It's your baby, Caleb."

Caleb felt as
though the entire contents of his blood had just whooshed to his feet, yet he
remained standing ramrod still.  Tina spoke again, but her voice sounded
oddly warped and increasingly far away, until he could see her lips still
moving but heard only a buzzing in his head.  Moments lost in darkness,
and then he returned, realizing he hadn't moved from his spot.

"We've got
her!" a male voice yelled as Anna was lifted onto a stretcher that raced
towards the helicopter.

"Wait!"
Caleb shouted as the flight nurse and paramedic carrying the stretcher were
about to zoom past him.  They viewed him through perplexed eyes as he
grabbed hold of one side of the stretcher and pulled it to a halt.  He was
both surprised and relieved to see no obvious sign of major injuries, although
he knew all too well that internal wounds could be lurking out of view.