To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series) (10 page)

EIGHT

"Haley, over
here!" Anna called out as Haley ran after a Frisbee that she had just
tossed across the backyard.  With a precise leap, Haley caught the Frisbee
midair, running back to Anna before doing a sudden U-turn and heading over to
Caleb instead.

"That's my
girl," he said as he kneeled down and patted her affectionately.

"I'm
detecting some favoritism on Haley's part," Anna said with a laugh as she
walked over and scratched her on the nose.

"She knows
who the strong alpha personality is here," Caleb boasted good-naturedly.

"Oh, really
…" Anna tried to feign insult, but she was too glad to see how relaxed
Caleb was in Haley's presence to pull it off.  In fact, the change in
Caleb's demeanor since Haley's arrival seemed nothing short of
miraculous.  He was once again more engaged and outgoing, an overall ease
of being that she had started to detect leading up to the July 4
^th
cookout before his frightening flashback destroyed any progress that had been
made.

Anna smiled as
Haley suddenly licked her hand – a seeming confirmation that Haley was equally
grateful to be reunited with Caleb.

"I'd like to
see Merlin catch a Frisbee in midair, but of course he's just a cat,"
Caleb said, clearly goading Anna.

"Oh,
please.  Catching a Frisbee is beneath him.  He has better and more
productive things to do with his time."

"You're
right.  I saw him in the living room earlier when I was finishing up and
he was busy filling out the window perch doing that productive thing that he
does the most – sleep."

Anna shook her
head, trying hard in Merlin's honor to squelch a grin.

"Did I tell
you what a great thing you did by bringing Haley over here?"

Anna smiled. 
"Only about twenty times. Not that there's anything wrong with
twenty-one."

Caleb leaned in
for a kiss, and Anna melted into the moment. Though she had half assumed he
would to return to avoidance mode immediately after their unexpected encounter
almost two weeks ago, she had been more than pleasantly surprised to find that
this wasn't the case. They had reached a deeper level of connection, a physical
passion that conveyed what their words sometimes couldn't, and now there was no
going back.   As Caleb pulled her closer and their bodies melded
magnetically, not even Haley's insistent bark could interfere with Anna's
appreciation of Caleb's warm lips.  But as Haley suddenly leapt away, she
reluctantly disengaged in order to ascertain that Haley stayed within the
boundaries of the yard. 

"Who in the
world is that?" Anna asked as she was greeted with the sight of an
unfamiliar woman entering the backyard by the side of the house. "Haley,
come back here!" she yelled as the dog stopped in her tracks just several
feet away from the visitor.

Caleb turned to
view the source of the ruckus, his relaxed face suddenly stricken. "Oh, no
… god, no …"

Anna's heart
surged.  "What?  Caleb, what's wrong?  Do you know this
woman?"

"It's Joel's
wife," he finally replied, dread in his voice that matched the
apprehension in his eyes as she slowly approached them.

"There was no
answer at the front door, so I thought I might find you out back here,"
she said as she gave Caleb a quick hug.  "I'm Sharon," she added
as she extended an unsteady hand to Anna.

"How did you
know where to find me?" Caleb asked.

Anna's coiled
innards tightened in their self-imposed vice as she observed Sharon's
sleepless, red-tinged eyes.

"Joel told me
to look for you here if …"  Her voice choked on itself as tears
spilled forth. Caleb quickly pulled her into a hug, his eyes closed as he shook
his head at the news that had yet to be spoken, yet he knew nonetheless.

"He was
killed by a mortar strike during a rescue," she said, stepping back from
the hug to wipe her eyes.  "He never had a chance."

As Anna saw
Caleb's stricken face, she knew what he was thinking: He survived a mortar
explosion … and Joel did not.

"I don't know
how I can go on anymore!" Sharon cried, her body heaving as she sobbed and
nearly collapsed into Caleb's arms again.  "And Jacob – how do I tell
Jacob that his father is never coming home?"

Anna felt the
ground spin beneath her, the image of Caleb and Sharon shrinking as she was
seemingly pulled back into some other dimension.

It can't be …
it just can't be …

As Joel's easy
laugher and love-of-life enthusiasm flashed into her thoughts, her surroundings
further disappeared until she was enveloped in complete blackness.

"Anna! 
Anna – open your eyes!"

The shout echoed
from somewhere around her, then drifted away.

"Anna!"

This time the
shout was inches from her face, pulling her instantly out of the blackness as
she snapped open her eyes and gasped for air. Her first thought was to wonder
why she could only see a light-blue sky dotted with clouds.

"You passed
out," Caleb said as he gently cradled the back of her head with his hand
and lifted her into a sitting position. 

"I'm
sorry," she replied weakly, embarrassed by her temporary loss of
consciousness when it was clearly Sharon who needed support at the moment.

"I didn't
think you knew Joel that well," Sharon said, both grief and puzzlement
etched on her face.

"I only met
him twice.  But he was just so …"

"I
know," Sharon said quietly.  "He was so full of life – that's
probably what you were going to say."

Anna nodded,
holding on to Caleb's arm as he helped her stand up on wobbly legs.

"And this
damn war took that from him," Sharon whispered through gritted
teeth.  "I didn't want him to go back – something kept telling me
that I might not ever see him again, even though he swore he wouldn't really be
in any danger."

Caleb and Anna
exchanged knowing looks.  Perhaps Joel had tried to spare Sharon from
knowing the daily threats that soldiers faced in Afghanistan, regardless of
their position.

"Three weeks
back at that hell hole," Sharon said, her voice still shrouded with
disbelief tinged with bitterness.  "That's all it took for him to
leave my life … this world … for good."

"Joel loved
you so much," Caleb said firmly.  "He'll always be with you –
you have to know that."

"No, Caleb,
he won't.  He'll be in my thoughts and my heart every second of every day
for the rest of my life … but it will be his memory.  Joel is gone – I've
lost him for good.  And for what?  Some stupid war that should never have
happened in the first place?"

Anna waited for
Caleb to reply, wondering what words he would choose to counteract Sharon's
belief that Joel's death was in vain. His silence suggested that he, too,
questioned whether the war was still a cause worth dying for.  As a drop
of rain unexpectedly fell on Anna's arm, she looked up at the dark cloud that
had formed overhead, blocking out the earlier sunlight.  A sudden rain
storm was not unusual in late summer, yet as intermittent drops turned into a steady
shower, she couldn't shake the eerie feeling that the universe was symbolically
shedding tears … lamenting the loss of a good man who was taken from his family
far too soon.

Caleb stared at
the ceiling as he lay on his bed, struggling to accept the unacceptable as
Sharon's devastating announcement from earlier that day continued to echo in
his mind.  He was home, but the horrors of war had followed him back, and
in the worst possible way. Joel had a loving wife and precious young son who
adored him, as he did them.  And now he was gone – snatched from their
existence in a moment of time that could never be reversed. As the incessant
pitter patter of rain played on the roof above, Caleb closed his eyes, his
desolate thoughts momentarily shifted as Haley snuggled up closer against his
side. He had read how animal behaviorists had theorized that animals could
sense the emotions of their humans, but he didn't need any scientific study to
convince him of what he already knew to be true. And yet, as Haley suddenly let
out a loud whimpering sigh, he found himself questioning whether on some level,
she too knew of Joel's fate.  His thoughts returned to that fateful day
when Haley had thwarted a deadly suicide attack. He was first on the scene to
gratefully discover that she was still alive, with Joel just footsteps
behind.  Caleb's breathing quickened as the image of Joel vividly flashed
in his mind, the scene playing out once again as Joel enthusiastically hugged
Haley, his shirt soaking up the blood from her wounds as he declared that he
was personally going to cook for her the biggest, thickest steak to thank her
for her heroic actions.

"And if the
general doesn't like it," he had added, "I'll be sure it comes
directly from his private stash."

Caleb smiled sadly
at the bittersweet memory, wondering once again why he was alive and a more
deserving man was dead.  Joel and Dwayne left behind wives and children
who loved and needed them.  If he had been killed instead, of course his
family would be heartbroken, but it simply wasn't the same.  His thoughts
flashed to Anna, the way that her eyes pierced his whenever they were together,
the way she looked out for him … but he couldn't be the man she needed. 
He was broken inside … numb and yet tortured at the same time, a blackness that
was swallowing him up whole.  Sometimes he felt as though he were drowning
in a vat of thick black tar, just barely keeping his head above the suffocating
gook so that his eyes could still see the here and now while the rest of him
was pulled back into an inescapable chokehold. 

He had to leave –
there was no other way.  He had to find a new purpose, a reason why he
should still be alive because he sure as hell couldn't think of one
anymore.  His heart grew heavy at the thought of leaving Anna, but he
loved her too much to pull her down with him. 
Loved her?
 
Haley rested her wet nose on his arm, staring at him with her golden brown
eyes.

"You reading
my thoughts?" he asked quietly, a bittersweet ache from the inside out
answering the question he had posed to himself seconds earlier.  Yes, he
loved her – and then some.  But nothing good ever lasted in his
life.  Not anymore, at least.  And if he stayed, he knew she would
keep at him to face the demons that he was desperately trying to squash
down.  He wasn't ready to do that – in fact, he couldn't imagine the day
would ever come when he would be willing to give these demons even a second of
acknowledgement.  Anna seemed to think that it was the only way to release
them, but she didn't understand that they were determined to take up residence
in him permanently.  If that weren't he case, he reasoned, then they
wouldn't be demons, right?  They would instead be memories that faded with
time and had no real hold over him. 

He closed his
eyes, knowing well what he had to do, and feeling like the hell of war
continued to live on as it spurred him to leave someone he loved.

Anna closed her
eyes and silently counted back from ten, repeating "one" over and
over again in an effort to lull herself to sleep. It was an exercise that was
usually successful, but not tonight, not with all the distressing thoughts that
weighed heavily on her mind.  Though she had only met Joel twice, she
still struggled to understand how someone so full of life could be gone in an instant.
As Merlin touched her chin gently with his paw, she smiled sadly, grateful for
the way that he always seemed to know when she needed her own personal version
of pet therapy. It seemed almost unfathomable that Caleb would have experienced
this sense of loss over and over again during the past five years.  And
yet he never spoke about it.  But could she really blame him?  Did it
not make sense to pretend on some level that it never really happened? 
After all, how could someone possibly find even a sliver of joy in life when
every waking moment – and perhaps sleeping moment, too – was haunted with grief
and regret? And add to that the fact that Caleb had personally witnessed many
of these deaths.  Merlin's purr intensified as Anna brushed away tears from
her eyes.  She wanted so badly to make things better for him, and yet her
father's words of caution rang in her mind. 
" Just realize that
trying to rescue people is a whole other ballgame.  A stray cat might
scratch you because it's scared, but a person will pull you down with them – or
worse – because they don't always want to be helped.  And all the good
intentions in the world can't change that."

She did have good
intentions, that was true.  But it was also true that Caleb did not want
to be helped – at least it certainly seemed that way.  She couldn't force
him to seek counseling or to stop feeling guilty that he was alive when others
were dead.  In fact, she couldn't even get him to concede that there was
any problem at all.  She closed her eyes again, the conflict in her heart
no lesser than the moment before.  Perhaps this was what Caleb experienced
on a daily basis – unwelcome feelings that simply wouldn't leave. 
Let
it go,
she told herself as the emotional pain threatened to cut any sense
of joy out of her life.  She repeated the mantra silently in her head
until it unexpectedly morphed: 
Let him go.

Anna's eyes
snapped open, frightened at where her thoughts had just landed. Her mind was
telling her what her heart didn't want to hear … but she couldn't escape the
possibility that it might be the best decision for both of them.

NINE

As Anna pulled her
car into the driveway after a late-morning appointment with a new client, she
was surprised to be greeted by Haley as she rounded the corner of the house and
pounced up on Anna with typical enthusiasm.  It had been a week and a half
since the devastating news of Joel's death, and even the light breeze of early
September did little to dissipate the heaviness in the air.