To the Sea (Follow your Bliss) (16 page)

Nevertheless,
as the shuttle sped on, Ian, Vanessa, and everything else that transpired in
the last few months seemed like a world away. Kira noted that she didn’t feel
the same connection she’d shared with Jamie stateside, despite the night
before. She set this aside as Emanuela filled her in with some of the
highlights of other trips she’d taken: Thailand, New Zealand, and a cruise to
Antarctica. Kira shared her dormant love for photography.

“You
are sure to get some good ones on safari,” Emanuela assured her.

As
the shuttle pulled into the lodge, it was noticeably more rustic, especially
with its thatched roof.

After
leaving the commune, Kira swore that she’d never reside in questionable
lodgings again. No camping, tents, yurts, lean-tos, or anything else made to
resemble one of the houses occupied by the three little pigs.

Once
inside the lodge, the luxury accommodations were the opposite of roughing it.
Indoor glass enclosed seating areas opened to outdoor terraces wrapping around
the building, offering abundant viewing spots for wildlife sightings. The
central lobby combined an inviting and comfortable array of fieldstone, sitting
areas, plants and natural elements, all reflecting the rich splendor of the
outdoors. Kira had a spacious deluxe suite and a Jacuzzi in her room that she
hoped to share with Jamie.

After
settling in, the tour group enjoyed yet another sumptuous meal. Afterward, a
guide brought them on a sunset trek around the lodge to various benchmarks to
spot animals in their habitats: mostly birds, small game and of course,
monkeys. The guide also mentioned they sometimes spotted Jaguars.

Kira
and the other guests were all friendly with one another, except for the three
high school grads on a gap year; the girls mostly kept to themselves with
inside jokes, wandering off during tours, or wearing ear buds.

As
she let the fading sun warm her, Kira took a seat on one of the outdoor
verandas. A wave of peace swept from her head to her toes, much like her first
time out on the ocean. She felt like sunshine and fresh air washed through her.
That special something about Africa seeped into her skin and lingered there,
wordless and nameless, pure tranquility.

The
next day, the group spent the early morning at the lodge learning about the
work the reserve did to help the animals safely proliferate. The reserve also
helped neighboring communities, ensuring the availability of education and
access to health care and food.

Later
that morning, Kira attended a workshop on the habits and habitats of big game.
After a break for tea and scones, she followed up with a workshop. As Kira
learned about migration patterns, rainy seasons, and the environmental impact
of humans, she suddenly wondered why she went into advertising.

Glimpsing
Jamie talking to Amanda, one of the female guides who he’d said he knew for
years, Kira wondered why she hadn’t become a pro-surfer or a field guide. She
mused about how she could have been anything, even an intelligent adventurer
like Emanuela.
She’d never allowed herself so many possibilities. From
early on, she envisioned her career as the ticket to happiness, not to mention
security, but what sort of happiness. So far, her time in South Africa
connected her to everything and everyone, except Jamie. She could still be
anything; her turn wasn’t over yet. She smiled; maybe it had just begun.

After
lunch in the lodge, the group had the choice to explore the grounds or go on a
bird watching hike with Amanda. Assembling in the central lobby, Kira flipped
through a coffee table book while Jamie finished a hushed conversation with her
across the room. He gave Amanda a lingering smile when she turned to the
group.  Kira watched, but he avoided her gaze.

“Welcome
everyone, Jamie has told me you are all eager to become familiar with the
spectacular wildlife here. Now that you’ve become acquainted with what you
might see at our workshop, let’s go over some safety measures, and then take it
outside.”

The
three girls slouched off to their room and the honeymooners went to do what
couples do on a honeymoon. Emanuela proclaimed writing inspiration, and Baker
said he needed a nap. That left Nigel, the retired schoolteacher, Jamie,
Amanda, and Kira. She figured with the small group, surely she and Jamie would
at least have some time for verbal foreplay. As they went outside, Amanda
dominated his attention, like the two of them occupied their own little world.

Amanda
cursorily pointed out a few of the more obvious birds, but otherwise chatted
with Jamie. By the time the lodge came back into view, the intimacy of the old
friends catching up left Kira miffed, though she did get a few good photos of a
cinnamon warbler and a weaverbird. As intrusive questions about Jamie and
Amanda tugged at her, she longed to be as free as the birds circling overhead.

Chapter Twenty-One

Early
the next morning they departed for safari while the air was still cool and the
sky dark cobalt. The driver deftly navigated in the near darkness as the
tracker sat-shotgun seeing, smelling, and hearing things invisible to the rest
of the party.

Back
home, before Jeremy’s death tossed up Kira’s sleeping habits, she experienced
life within a tidy framework of time. She woke up after sunrise and the sunset
amounted to nothing more than a nuisance as she rushed west, home from work,
all the while pounding on the horn to upset traffic into moving. Now she
compared the sunrise coming up in central South Africa to the one she admired
over the Atlantic as the brilliant star bathed the earth in a spectrum of
oranges and yellows.

Kira
hardly caught Jamie’s eye all morning, except when she answered a question
about the behaviors of lions. The memory of the night at the resort still
lingered fresh in her mind. She felt herself wanting Jamie when she caught
sight of his particular smile with his upper lip arched to one side, the way
his jeans hung off his hips when he helped everyone into the Land Rover, the
way his fingers closed over the binoculars, and his jaw set intently trying to
spot the source of far-off movement. Kira was certain her quickened pulse was
audible as each of these private thoughts matched ones of her and Jamie, naked
and rapturous.

At
the lodge, the guest rooms spanned a wide area so there was little chance
anyone would notice one of them sneaking in or out of the other’s room. Kira
doubted any of the guests would think twice about someone with Jamie, namely
her, though she knew from the way the college-bound trio looked at him, they’d love
to take some private lessons, surf or otherwise.

As
the sun shimmered up high over the broad plains, the landscape took shape,
extending in all directions, unobstructed, straight to the horizon. The
disorienting stripes of a herd of zebra wavered like a mirage in the distance.
As they approached, giraffe and springbok also grazed.

Kira
snapped photos nonstop when she suddenly had the urge to come out from behind
the camera for the experience. The tracker and driver communicated in a
non-verbal language of gestures and nods. Before Kira knew it, they drove
through bramble and came into an open area that dipped down toward a watering
hole. A herd of elephants came into view.

Back
on the commune, during Kira’s childhood, there was often talk of spirit animals.
Her mother called upon a bald eagle when she needed guidance. As the symbol for
freedom, she took it to mean deserting, flying away. Then she left, free as a
bird. These dark thoughts prickled Kira like the barbs on the nearby thorn
bush.

Maybe
for that reason or her pragmatism, she’d dismissed the spirit animal idea. She
didn’t understand the concept until her eyes rested upon the elephants on that
African plain. Even from a distance, they pulled on her heart. They were so
solid, so sure. She loved them instantly. Ideas about rescuing elephants and
saving them raced through her mind in a manic loop reminiscent of her childhood
wishes to save the planet. When a mid-sized female lifted her tree-trunk sized
leg and then another, walking toward the Land Rover, Kira’s mind quietly
settled. The grey canvas of her broad side wrinkled as she moved, her long
trunk rising as if in greeting, and her enormous ears flapping in the breeze
she created.

Kira
studied the elephant as one would a new baby, with love and reverence. The
driver slowly backed up, giving the mammoth female the right of way, but before
he did, Kira took one perfect photo of her. She believed her heart would always
remember, but she wanted the visual reminder just in case.

After
stopping for a picnic lunch at an appointed spot, the tour group viewed several
lions lazing in the long grass. Kira was back behind the viewfinder of her
camera taking spectacular shots, all the while amused by how much the
creatures, with their great manes, reminded her of Jamie.

He
chatted with her about as intimately as he did with Baker or Nigel, but again
she told herself it was business. On the return trip to the lodge, Kira snagged
the seat next to Jamie. He offered her, along with two of the three girls who
crowded close, commentary on the natural flora of the area.

After
dinner at the lodge, everyone retired to their rooms, sleepy from the early
morning trip and because the following night would be late with a drumming
circle and a visit from a traditional healer. There was no sign of Jamie after
they got back, so Kira settled into the Jacuzzi, with a glass of white wine in
hand—chasing away doleful thoughts of similar nights spent alone. 

The
next morning, the group departed on an excursion to a winery just west of the
preserve. Jamie’s good mood bolstered the group.

“We
have Amanda along today as a supplementary guide. She knows the winery owners,”
Jamie said with a smirk in Amanda’s direction. He joined her in the front,
occasionally pointing out landmarks to the rest of the group, but mostly
talking closely with Amanda—which when given the opportunity, most of the men
in the group did. She was stunning: tall, had silky, coffee colored skin,
perfect posture, and a dazzling smile.

A
white washed Cape Dutch-style building housed the winery with beautiful
grapevines trailing around the grounds set against emerald green grass. The
building also contained a store with local crafts, an elegant wine tasting
area, and a restaurant where everyone consumed a mostly liquid lunch.

Kira
tasted several spectacular reds before buying one to share with Jamie,
hopefully by candle light in the Jacuzzi. She wouldn’t mind splitting the
bottle while in the infinity pool back at the resort in St. Francis Bay either.
Kira convinced herself Jamie didn’t have anything to worry about if one of the
tour members saw them getting cozy. She hiccupped. The wine tossed off her
inhibitions, and she fantasized about the two of them in the bed under the
moonlight.

Jamie
had disappeared from the group of mingling guests, along with Amanda, but when
Kira returned from the ladies room, she spotted him coming inside. He looked
disheveled.

“Where’ve
you been?” she asked, hoping they could find a quiet corner.

“Left
my sunnies on the bus,” he said.

Just
then, Amanda came in.

“Found
‘em,” Jamie said.

Amanda
gave a confused smile.

Kira
couldn’t say more because Baker beckoned Jamie for his opinion on a Shiraz. 

Laughter
filled the return trip to the lodge, everyone having tried more than one sample
of each of the varietals. With Baker on a roll telling a hilarious account of a
trip to Bali involving monkeys, Kira spotted Amanda and Jamie sitting
comfortably close in the seat ahead of her. Their arms touched and their heads
inclined toward one another intimately.

Fueled
by aged grapes and Jeremy associations, Kira called Jamie’s name. But just
then, Emanuela drew her attention back into the conversation. Before she knew
it, the shuttle bus turned onto the dirt road that led back to the preserve. As
they disembarked, Amanda asked for the group’s attention.

“This
evening we will have a very special guest, a native healer who will be
accompanied by a group of local drummers. We’d like to have you assembled when
they arrive. Let’s meet by the east exit at eight o’clock.” She and Jamie
dashed off toward the employee entrance to the lodge, and the rest of the group
herded toward the main doors.

Anxiety
that Jamie and Amanda were more than old friends, edged into Kira’s mind. She
wavered from one possibility to another, littered with snippets of Jeremy’s
email exchanges and texts with other women.

Kira
slouched to her suite nearly ready to cry. Instead of sobbing on the bed, she
took a seat on the deck overlooking the umber landscape of the Karoo in the
fading sunlight. The few times she felt herself emotionally derailed on the
trip, nature repeatedly set her back on course.

Promptly
at eight, they gathered at the appointed entrance, but Jamie and Amanda were
still absent. Emanuela, a natural leader, went outside to determine where they
were supposed to meet the healer and drummers. Sure enough, she found an
outdoor entertainment area and the group made themselves comfortable awaiting
their arrival.

After
a short time, several African men, followed by some teenagers and a small woman
dressed in a vibrant ikat dress in teal and marigold, filed into the space.
They took their places upon the earth and arranged drums of various sizes. As
they did so, Kira wandered back in time to drum circles from the commune,
dread-locked hippies in loose fitting pants, pounding their hearts out as the
moon rose and set. At the time, Kira thought they were foolish, trying to
channel something that wasn’t theirs. But as the first drumbeats sounded from
the circle around her, and began to move down through the ground, up to the
sky, and then vibrate through her, Kira’s opinion shifted. Just as she’d
discovered the waves of the ocean were like the breath of the earth, so too the
drumming felt like the great heartbeat of the world.

Kira
closed her eyes, the rhythmic beats entered her heart, and she attuned her
breath to the hum of her physical memory of the ocean’s ebb and flow. Behind
her eyes a slideshow of images appeared. First, her childhood, her
self-absorbed parents, and homeschooling, which left Kira and Winter to roam
around the commune day after day. Then when she finally went to school,
memories of shame flushed through her when the school bus left her off at the
commune and kids hollered
hippie.
She was unsure who to turn her back
on, her parents for making her an outcast or the kids for harassing her. An
image of her father, sallow, and bone thin, her mother crying herself to sleep
every night and then one morning just gone, only a hastily written note in her
wake. Her sister shrinking from her, and Kira from her sister as they each
left, first Winter and then Kira, for college.

Then
she watched herself march far away from her parent’s burned out lifestyle,
along with her spirit of freedom and curiosity, and right into Jeremy’s arms;
the arms of a cheater and a liar. There were images of her feeling disappointed
and knowing, but ignoring, her intuition’s plea telling her something was askew
in their relationship. Images of Kira helplessly sobbing in the bed, lamenting
the loss of her marriage and betrayal, flashed before her.

Then
she had a vision of herself at four, running in the sand, a kite in her hand
and laughing. Her parents sat on a blanket smiling broadly, and her sister
building a castle in the sand. The last one felt like an untainted vision, a
pure moment; one filled with love and freedom swirling in the air. Kira wanted
to linger there to find out what steps to take in order to get that feeling
back. But the image shifted to her in the present, surfing along a peeling blue
wave.

It
was all like an echo, but Kira lamented the loss or careful concealment of her
spirit—that special something that got hidden under parental directives,
expectations, and self-doubt. It was as if the drumbeat tapping in the
background drew all Kira’s sorrows to the surface. As soon as she had that
thought, the scene behind her eyes darkened, and the timbre of the drumming
changed.

Kira
blinked open her eyes, her gaze landing on the healer. Her were eyes closed,
and written in the creases along the sides of her face was deep knowing.
Delicate lines ran along her forehead and around her eyes and mouth like each
one could answer a question if Kira knew what to ask. She watched as the
drummers chanted, each one taking up the sound in turn. After a round, they
said the unfamiliar words in unison.

Kira’s
eyes closed and the stream of memories and worries, of fears and doubts,
resentment and anger, all flowed out of her, on the breeze, and into the ocean,
miles away.

Kira’s
eyes opened again when the chanting stopped and the drumming slowed. An easy
rhythm took form, one that felt like sleep. The healer’s eyes remained closed
and her expression of peace radiated into Kira, like a warm bath. Deep bliss
enveloped her skin, then her muscles, right down to her bones, warming her
core. Kira’s eyes closed once more, as she absorbed the feeling. Kira traced it
in her memory. As she did so, the drumming went quiet. Kira blinked open her
eyes.

The
healer, wearing the ikat dress, was gone. In her place, a bunch of golden
flowers tied together with a teal string rested lightly upon the earth.

As
the group drifted indoors, the bright light seemed out of place and disruptive
to the serene and introspective mood that had descended upon them. Jamie
bounded into the room, greeting everyone boisterously, but it didn’t match the
tranquility cultivated in the drum circle.

Up
until that moment, every time Jamie walked into a room Kira became excited and
single mindedly impetuous. However, this time she didn’t feel the intense
longing to kiss and lay with him. She wanted a long walk and laughter. She
wanted someone to talk with, to share everything about herself with, the good,
the bad, and the funny. She wanted a tender touch, an embrace, and to make
love.

Without
offering Jamie her attention, Kira escaped to her room and sat by the window
letting the breeze continue to comfort her. But his sudden lack of interest
left her unsettled. She decided it was time they talked about where she stood.
Although they hadn’t established whether they were boyfriend and girlfriend,
their mutual attraction was undeniable. The invitation to South Africa and now
the mixed messages, but hardly talking since they arrived had her confused,
especially when Jamie suddenly orbited around Amanda.