Tolstoy and the Purple Chair (20 page)

Tolstoy wrote, “The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity.” He understood this service as a religious duty. For me, I understand it as a fact of life, as
the
fact of life, and as the sustaining fact of life. What we do for each other is what survives. My sister is dead, but everything she did for me while she was alive is still going strong. I can still feel her hand reaching across the backseat of our car in Berlin, and I still hear her voice, our conversations going late into the night.

Anne-Marie is defined by everything that she was to me, as oldest sister, scholar, beauty, friend. She is the way I worshipped her and bugged her and loved her. My life is a reflection of her life. I will anchor myself with her life, and not with her death. Death took all choices away from her, but not from me, and I choose to live on with her beside me always, alive in all my memories of how she lived. She will continue to shape me, direct me, and advise me. She pulled me toward my year of reading a book a day, spurring me on with our shared love of books and my desire to read all the volumes upon volumes that we might have read together.

I have learned, through books, to hold on to my memories of all the beautiful moments and people in my life, as I need those memories to help me through difficult times. I have learned to allow forgiveness, both of myself and of people around me, all trying with “their heavy burden” just to get by. I know now that love is a power great enough to survive death, and that kindness is the greatest connector between me and the rest of the world. Most important—because I know now that Anne-Marie will always be with me, and with everyone she loved—I understand the lasting impact that one life can have on another, and another, and another.

There is no remedy for the sorrow of losing someone we love, nor should there be. Sorrow is not an illness or an affliction. It is the only response possible to the death of a loved one, and an affirmation of just how much we value life itself, for all its wonder and thrill and beauty and satisfaction.

Our only answer to sorrow is to live. To live looking backward, remembering the ones we have lost, but also moving forward, with anticipation and excitement. And to pass on those feelings of hope and possibility through acts of kindness, generosity, and compassion.

My whole life, I have read books. And when I needed to read the most, books gave me everything I asked for and more. My year of reading gave me the space I needed to figure out how to live again after losing my sister. My year in the sanatorium of books allowed me to redefine what is important for me and what can be left behind. Not all respites from life can be so all-consuming—I will never again read a book a day for one year—but any break taken from the frenetic pace of busy days can restore the balance of a life turned topsy-turvy. For some people it will be an afternoon spent knitting or the weekly yoga class or a long walk with a friend or a leashed animal. We all need a space to just let things be, a place to remember who we are and what is important to us, an interval of time that allows the happiness and joy of living back into our consciousness.

“We live in wonder, blaze in a cycle of passion and apprehension,” wrote the poet Carolyn Kizer, and I know that to be true. My hiatus is over, my soul and my body are healed, but I will never leave the purple chair for long. So many books waiting to be read, so much happiness to be found, so much wonder to be revealed.

Complete List of Books Read
from October 28, 2008,
to October 28, 2009

After so much had been taken,

so much could still be received.

TATJANA SOLI,

The Lotus Eaters

The Abbot's Ghost
, by Louisa May Alcott

About Schmidt
, by Louis Begley

Act of the Damned
, by António Lobo Antunes

Address Unknown
, by Kathrine Kressmann Taylor

The African Queen,
by C. S. Forester

The Age of Dreaming
, by Nina Revoyr

Algren at Sea
, by Nelson Algren

Alice Fantastic
, by Maggie Estep

All My Friends Are Superheroes
, by Andrew Kaufman

All Souls
, by Christine Schutt

All That I Have
, by Castle Freeman Jr.

American Born Chinese
, by Gene Luen Yang

Amphibian
, by Carla Gunn

The Ancient Shore
, by Shirley Hazzard and Francis Steegmuller

Anna In-Between
, by Elizabeth Nunez

Annie John
, by Jamaica Kincaid

Are You Somebody?
by Nuala O'Faolain

The Art of Racing in the Rain
, by Garth Stein

The Assault
, by Harry Mulisch

Aunt Dimity Slays the Dragon
, by Nancy Atherton

Bangkok Haunts
, by John Burdett

Beauty Salon
, by Mario Bellatin

The Believers
, by Zoë Heller

Bellwether
, by Connie Willis

The Best Place to Be
, by Lesley Dormen

Better
, by John O'Brien

Bird by Bird
, by Anne Lamott

Black Water
, by Joyce Carol Oates

Blank
, by Noah Tall

The Body Artist
, by Don DeLillo

Bombay Time
, by Thrity Umrigar

The Book of Chameleons
, by José Eduardo Agualusa

The Book of Murder
, by Guillermo Martínez

Boston Noir
, edited by Dennis Lehane

Breath
,
Eyes
,
Memory
, by Edwidge Danticat

The Bridge of San Luis Rey
, by Thornton Wilder

The Bridges at Toko-Ri
, by James A. Michener

Brief Encounters with Che Guevara
, by Ben Fountain

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
, by Junot Díaz

Brooklyn
, by Colm Tóibín

By Chance
, by Martin Corrick

Bye
,
Bye Soccer
, by Edilberto Coutinho

The Calling
, by Mary Gray Hughes

Call Me Ahab
, by Anne Finger

Camera
, by Jean-Philippe Toussaint

Captains Courageous
, by Rudyard Kipling

Castle Nowhere
, by Constance Fenimore Woolson

The Castle of Otranto
, by Horace Walpole

A Celibate Season
, by Carol Shields and Blanche Howard

Charles Dickens
, by Melisa Klimaszewski and Melissa Gregory

Cheese
, by Willem Elsschot

Christmas in Plains
, by Jimmy Carter

Climate of Fear
, by Wole Soyinka

Conjugal Love
, by Alberto Moravia

Consider the Lobster
, by David Foster Wallace

Cooking and Screaming
, by Adrienne Kane

The Council of the Cursed
, by Peter Tremayne

The Crofter and the Laird
, by John McPhee

Crow Planet
, by Lyanda Lynn Haupt

Crusader's Cross
, by James Lee Burke

The Crying of Lot 49
, by Thomas Pynchon

The Curriculum Vitae of Aurora Ortiz
, by Almudena Solana

The Curse of Eve
, by Liliana Blum

A Curtain of Green
, by Eudora Welty

Dangerous Games
, by Margaret MacMillan

Dangerous Laughter
, by Steven Millhauser

The Darts of Cupid
, by Edith Templeton

Dead Giveaway
, by Simon Brett

Dead Horse
, by Walter Satterthwait

A Dead Man in Barcelona
, by Michael Pearce

Deaf Sentence
, by David Lodge

Death Etc.
, by Harold Pinter

Death of a Witch
, by M. C. Beaton

Death Rites
, by Alicia Giménez-Bartlett

Death with Interruptions
, by José Saramago

The Deer Leap
, by Martha Grimes

DeKok and Murder by Installment
, by A. C. Baantjer

Delhi Noir
, edited by Hirsh Sawhney

Desperate Characters
, by Paula Fox

The Detective Wore Silk Drawers
, by Peter Lovesey

The Devil's Tickets
, by Gary M. Pomerantz

The Diamond Girls
, by Jacqueline Wilson

The Diary of a Nobody
, by George and Weedon Grossmith

Disquiet
, by Julia Leigh

Divisadero
, by Michael Ondaatje

Dogs, Dreams, and Men
, by Joan Kaufman

The Door to Bitterness
, by Martin Limón

Double-Click for Trouble
, by Chris Woodworth

Dreamers
, by Knut Hamsun

Drink to Yesterday
, by Manning Coles

The Duppy
, by Anthony C. Winkler

The Elegance of the Hedgehog
, by Muriel Barbery

The Emigrants
, by W. G. Sebald

Emma-Jean Lazarus Fell in Love
, by Lauren Tarshis

The Emperor's Tomb
, by Joseph Roth

Ender's Game
, by Orson Scott Card

The English Major
, by Jim Harrison

Escape Under the Forever Sky
, by Eve Yohalem

Esther's Inheritance
, by Sándor Márai

Even Cat Sitters Get the Blues
, by Blaize Clement

Ex Libris
, by Anne Fadiman

Explorers of the New Century
, by Magnus Mills

Facing the Bridge
, by Yoko Tawada

The Fairacre Festival
, by Miss Read

The Faithful Lover
, by Massimo Bontempelli

The Fall
, by Albert Camus

Falling Angels
, by Tracy Chevalier

Family Happiness
, by Laurie Colwin

The Famous Flower of Serving Men
, by Deborah Grabien

Female Trouble
, by Antonya Nelson

The Ferguson Affair
, by Ross Macdonald

Fiendish Deeds
, by P. J. Bracegirdle

The Fifth Child
, by Doris Lessing

Fight Scenes
, by Greg Bottoms

Fine Just the Way It Is
, by Annie Proulx

The First Person
, by Ali Smith

A Fisherman of the Inland Sea
, by Ursula K. Le Guin

The Forged Coupon
, by Leo Tolstoy

For Grace Received
, by Valeria Parrella

Forty Stories
, by Donald Barthelme

Frida's Bed
, by Slavenka Drakulić

The Garden Party
, by Katherine Mansfield

Gerard Keegan's Famine Diary
, by James J. Mangan

The German Mujahid
, by Boualem Sansal

Girl Boy Girl
, by Savannah Knoop

The Glass Castle
, by Jeannette Walls

Godlike
, by Richard Hell

Gold
, by Dan Rhodes

Good Behaviour
, by Molly Keane

The Good Life According to Hemingway
, by A. E. Hotchner

The Good Soldier
, by Ford Madox Ford

The Good Thief
, by Hannah Tinti

The Granny
, by Brendan O'Carroll

A Great Day for a Ballgame
, by Fielding Dawson

Grief
, by Andrew Holleran

The Grotesque
, by Patrick McGrath

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

The Gutter and the Grave
, by Ed McBain

Hairstyles of the Damned
, by Joe Meno

Half in Love
, by Maile Meloy

Hannah Coulter
, by Wendell Berry

Happens Every Day
, by Isabel Gillies

A Happy Marriage
, by Rafael Yglesias

The Haunted Man and the Ghost's Bargain
, by Charles Dickens

Her Deadly Mischief
, by Beverle Graves Myers

The History of Love
, by Nicole Krauss

The Hollow-Eyed Angel
, by Janwillem van de Wetering

A Hope in the Unseen
, by Ron Suskind

The House Beautiful
, by Allison Burnett

The Housekeeper and the Professor
, by Yoko Ogawa

Housekeeping vs. the Dirt
, by Nick Hornby

The House on Eccles Road
, by Judith Kitchen

How I Became a Nun
, by César Aira

The Howling Miller
, by Arto Paasilinna

How to Paint a Dead Man
, by Sarah Hall

The Hunt for Sonya Dufrette
, by R. T. Raichev

I Feel Bad About My Neck
, by Nora Ephron

I Love Dollars
, by Zhu Wen

Indignation
, by Philip Roth

In Her Absence
, by Antonio Muñoz Molina

Inkheart
, by Cornelia Funke

The Inner Game of Tennis
, by W. Timothy Gallwey

In the Meantime
, by Robin Lippincott

In the Pond
, by Ha Jin

In the Woods
, by Tana French

In Time of Peace
, by Thomas Boyd

Iron Balloons
, edited by Colin Channer

I Was Dora Suarez
, by Derek Raymond

Jacob's Hands
, by Aldous Huxley and Christopher Isherwood

Jerusalem
, by Selma Lagerlöf

John Crow's Devil
, by Marlon James

The Joys of Motherhood
, by Buchi Emecheta

Kindred
, by Octavia E. Butler

The King and the Cowboy
, by David Fromkin

Kitchen
, by Banana Yoshimoto

Krapp's Last Cassette
, by Anne Argula

Lark and Termite
, by Jayne Anne Phillips

The Last Essays of Elia
, by Charles Lamb

Last Night at the Lobster
, by Stewart O'Nan

The Laughter of Dead Kings
, by Elizabeth Peters

Laura Rider's Masterpiece
, by Jane Hamilton

The Law of Similars
,
by Chris Bohjalian

The Laws of Evening
, by Mary Yukari Waters

A Lesson Before Dying
, by Ernest J. Gaines

Letter to a Christian Nation
, by Sam Harris

Life on the Refrigerator Door
, by Alice Kuipers

Little Bee
, by Chris Cleave

The Little Disturbances of Man
, by Grace Paley

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner
, by Alan Sillitoe

The Lost Art of Gratitude
, by Alexander McCall Smith

The Lost Prophecies
, by C. J. Sansom, Bernard Knight, Ian Morson, Michael Jecks, Susanna Gregory, and Philip Gooden

Love and Death
, by Forrest Church

The Loved One
, by Evelyn Waugh

The Love of the Last Tycoon
, by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Love Song of Monkey
, by Michael Graziano

Love Walked In
, by Marisa de los Santos

Madame de Staël
, by Francine du Plessix Gray

Make No Bones
, by Aaron Elkins

Man in the Dark
, by Paul Auster

The Man in the Picture
, by Susan Hill

The Man of My Life
, by Manuel Vázquez Montalbán

The Man Who Was Thursday
, by G. K. Chesterton

Marley and Me
, by John Grogan

The Master of Petersburg
, by J. M. Coetzee

Masterpiece
, by Elise Broach

Meat Eaters and Plant Eaters
, by Jessica Treat

A Mercy
, by Toni Morrison

The Mercy Papers
, by Robin Romm

Miss Lonelyhearts
, by Nathanael West

Miss Misery
, by Andy Greenwald

Mister Pip
, by Lloyd Jones

The Moon Opera
, by Bi Feiyu

Moon Tiger
, by Penelope Lively

Murder in the Calais Coach
, by Agatha Christie

Murder Is My Racquet
, edited by Otto Penzler