Totally Joe (19 page)

 

Look who's talking sports! (Okay, I admit I called them “games” until he told me what they were really called, but still.)

It is physically impossible not to laugh when he says this.

 

#3 on my current Top Ten List, after
E.T
. and
Titanic
.

 

Mr. D: I don't really know if there are starving children in Armenia or how baby booties would help them. I don't even know if Armenia is a real place. Since this is a paper for English and not social studies, I won't lose points for making stuff up like this, will I? I am being creative. (Don't you think creativity should count for extra points?)

 

Mr. D: Once again, I am being creative. Believe me, when I am old enough to drive, I will wear my seat belt and obey the speed limit. I do understand, however, that in Italy driving at a hundred miles per hour is
normale
(that's Italian for normal).

Mr. Daly: I'm sorry if Mrs. Esley is a personal friend of yours or your cousin or something. I'm just being honest. Besides, she hasn't subbed in our school since the second grade, so I'll bet I'm not the only one who thought she was bad news.

 

Mr. D: I know you know all of this, but you told us to assume that the reader knows nothing. So here's the background on the election: Addie came up with the not-very-brilliant idea of creating a third political party to run for student council. She called it the Freedom Party. Then Bobby
made
it brilliant by changing it to the No-Name Party and saying, “If elected, we will work to end name-calling here at Paintbrush Falls Middle School.” Well, the Democrats won (we came in a close second), and that was okay, really, because for once the Republicans and Brittney “Ha, Ha, I'm Popular and You're Not!” Hobson didn't win an election, and the second reason it was okay was that Colin won as vice president. But the point is, Bobby gave this great speech that was right out of a movie, with people cheering and everything. And Mr. Kiley was so impressed with Bobby's idea of having a No-Name Day that he promised he would help us make it happen.

 

Skeezie trying to sound like Elvis Presley.

 

Skeezie's real name.

 

Ever since Steffi, the waitress at the Candy Kitchen who Skeezie has a crush on (even though he won't admit it), started calling him Elvis, Skeezie has memorized all these old Elvis songs. He even imitates Elvis when he sings them. You might think this would be funny or even cool. Trust me, you'd be
so
wrong.

Tofu shaped like a turkey. I am so not kidding.

 

You'll have to imagine their voices, but believe me, when Colin and I do them, we sound so real, it's, like, “Hello, send our mail to Sesame Street!”