Totally Joe (15 page)

Great. Just when I thought I might get through the night without puking.

“We were just talking about the Hennesseys,” my mother greeted us. “What do you know about their sons? You're in the same grade as the older one, aren't you, Jeff?
And we know you and Kevin are in the same grade,” she said to me.

Jeff shrugged. “Cole's a jerk,” he said.

“Care to be a little more specific?” my dad asked.

“He's bad news,” Jeff answered with another shrug. I think maybe Jeff doesn't know what “specific” means.

“Examples?” my dad prompted.

Jeff took a bite out of his Slim Jim. “He throws his muscles around,” he said, chewing. “He picks on anybody and everybody. He's got a foul mouth. Oh, and you should see him with his brother.”

“Kevin?” I asked.

“Duh,” said Jeff. “What other brother does he have?”

“So, like, what does he do?”

“You've never seen him? He's always shoving him around, kicking his butt, calling him ‘fag' and ‘queer' and worse. Sorry, Joe.”

“For some of us it doesn't get much worse than ‘fag' and ‘queer,'” I said.

“I said I was sorry, okay?”

I told him okay and then said I needed to get my homework finished and go to bed. My parents couldn't
really argue with that, so they let me go without grilling me about Kevin.

I'm not sure what I would have said about him, anyway. He sounds like a miniature version of his brother, who's probably a miniature version of their dad. Anyway, I really didn't want to have to talk about him, because for the first time ever I'm feeling kind of sorry for Kevin Hennessey—and I don't like the feeling.

All I can think of as I'm writing this is how Mrs. Hennessey was at that meeting calling herself a good Christian—and look at that family of hers!

LIFE LESSON
: Religion is only as good as the people using it.

THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY SURPRISES IN MY
life lately I don't even know where to begin. I totally
love
surprises. Always have, always will. Like, I'm probably the only kid you'll ever know who doesn't ask for clues about what he's getting for his birthday or Christmas. When I was little, I never went poking around in closets and under beds the way Jeff did, trying to find out what Santa was going to bring. And if my parents so much as uttered the words “Joe” and “birthday” in the same sentence for, like, the month before my birthday, I'd start humming or singing at the top of my lungs!

Well, tomorrow is my thirteenth birthday and I've been doing a lot of humming. But mostly it's because I've been pretty happy, not because anybody has been talking about presents or parties or anything.

The reasons I'm so happy? Surprises.

Aunt Pam came up for my birthday and she's going to stay for the weekend! She told my mom and dad on the phone that since she pierced my ear for Christmas, she's getting me a tattoo for my birthday. You should have seen their faces for the ten seconds they believed her!

(I wish you could know Aunt Pam. She is
so
cool.)

(No Surprise #1: I miss her.)

Mr. Kiley said yes to the GSA! Well, almost yes. After Addie's and my parents went to talk to the school superintendent—at which time they pointed out a few laws they said the school might be in violation of if they
didn't
allow a GSA—and after Mr. Daly said he would be the club advisor,
it was easier for Mr. Kiley to say he would seriously consider it just as soon as No-Name Day was over. Mr. Kiley even called Addie into his office to talk about it with him and Mr. Daly, so we know he means it.

Addie said that at the meeting Mr. Daly told them he has a son in college who is gay. He said, “It probably helps when you know someone, but that really shouldn't matter. Civil rights are civil rights. And
everybody
deserves respect.” The next day, he gave Addie this button his son had sent
him. It says
IF GAY AND LESBIAN PEOPLE ARE GIVEN CIVIL RIGHTS EVERYONE WILL WANT THEM
. How cool is that? I am so going to ask Aunt Pam to try and find that one for me.

Anyway, Mr. Kiley asked Addie to keep the whole GSA thing quiet for now. He said he needs time to “determine a strategy for dealing with certain members of the community who might object.”

I didn't tell him, but I already have a strategy: If Mrs. Hennessey opens her big yap about how Jesus loves everybody but me, I'm going to say that maybe her sons are acting a little less loving than Jesus would want them to—and then I'm going to tell her
everything
Kevin has ever said or done to me!

(I can't believe I just wrote that. Please, God, don't let Kevin Hennessey get his hands on this notebook!!!!)

SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST Colin and I are friends again!

We're not
that
kind of friends, but we're friends.

It happened a week ago, on Friday night.

Dad had dropped Bobby and me off at the video store while he went to pick up pizza for dinner, and who was there but Colin and Drew. We kind of nodded and said hey when we saw each other, and then Bobby and I started looking at the “Star Power” section, while Colin and Drew went to the back to check out action DVDs. Bobby really wanted to see
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
and I wanted to see
Terms of Endearment
It was your basic Jack Nicholson standoff.

All of a sudden, I heard Colin say, “Go with
Cuckoo's Nest
It's excellent.”

“Sold!” said Bobby as he grabbed
Terms of Endearment
out of my hands and shoved it back on the shelf. Before I could say anything, he'd run off to join Drew in the checkout line.

Colin and I stood there looking at each other. Or not looking at each other. But not moving, either.

Finally, I said, “What are you and Drew getting?”

Colin blushed and mumbled something about
Matrix
.

“Kee-
ah
-nu,” I said, drawing it out to make it sound meaningful, like when Grandma Lily says, “Still.”

“Right,” he said, and blushed even harder.

Drew called his name and they left, and that would have been that, EXCEPT that later, after Bobby went home, I was writing an e-mail to Aunt Pam when I got an IM from GUESS WHO!!!

blackbirdboy:
how was cuckoos nest

phonehome217:
good / jack nicholson is weird / how was matrix 12?

blackbirdboy:
very funny / it was #3 revolutions / my fave

phonehome217:
i know

blackbirdboy:
keanu is awesome

phonehome217:
ooo, somebody likes keanu

blackbirdboy:
cut it out

phonehome217:
when are you going to

phonehome217:
sorry I hit send by mistake

blackbirdboy:
I have a present for you

phonehome217:
????????????

blackbirdboy:
its yr bday next week, right?

phonehome217:
yes

blackbirdboy:
I have a present… a way of saying sorry

phonehome217:
for what?

blackbirdboy:
being a jerk / saying you should tone down your act

phonehome217:
you said I HAD toned down my act

blackbirdboy:
I guess I wanted you to … cause it was embarrassing to me … cause I thought people would think I was like you

phonehome217:
wow you sure wouldn't want them to think THAT!!

blackbirdboy:
that was dumb, sorry … what I meant was … you're different, ok? And that's cool, but I don't want to be different. Is that so terrible?

I was all set to write, “How about just being who you are?” but then I thought that sounded kind of preachy, like I was telling Colin how he was supposed to be. And I
suddenly realized I didn't have any more right to do that to him than he had to do it to me. So instead I wrote:

phonehome217:
do what you have to do. it's okay, honest.

blackbirdboy:
really?

phonehome217:
really

blackbirdboy:
so we're friends?

phonehome217:
hmm … when do i get my present?

blackbirdboy:
LOL / tomorrow?

phonehome217:
can't tomorrow / wait, better idea—come to my party—next Saturday night

blackbirdboy:
OK

phonehome217:
I have a present for U2

blackbirdboy:
but my bday isn't until Aug

phonehome217:
it's leftover from Christmas / I've been keeping it under my bed

blackbirdboy
: LOL / yr present is leftover from Christmas too / it's been sitting on my desk / great, now that I told you I'll have to get you a second present for your birthday

phonehome217:
no you don't / WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING? Second present: good.

blackbirdboy:
LOL

phonehome217:
TTFN

blackbirdboy:
TTFN

So Colin and I are friends again—AND he's coming to my birthday party. And I could tell it all makes him happy, too, because he was doing a lot of LOL-ing there at the end. And … Oh. My. God. I forgot—there's one more surprise.

Zachary is coming to my party, too!

LIFE LESSON
: Jack Nicholson is weird.

MY PARTY WAS ON SATURDAY AND IT WAS
AWESOME
. I'm going to tell you all about it, but first let me tell you how it happened that Zachary was there. We were standing in the lunch line together on Friday (he's been eating at our table for about a couple of weeks now) when he said to me, “So, how's your alphabiography going?”

I told him good, and then I said, “Mr. Daly isn't making you write one, is he?”

When he said yes, I went, “That is totally unfair! You just moved here, and everybody else has had since October.”

“Mr. Daly is giving me an extra month to get mine in,” he explained. “And he said I could write short chapters. Oh, my goodness, I don't know what I would do if I had to write long ones!”

I was wondering if I should say something to him about the “oh, my goodness” thing when I noticed how he was picking up a pat of butter for his roll. Then I thought maybe I should say something about not keeping his pinky finger in the air like that. Oh. My. God. I was turning into his Guy-Guy Advisor!