Totally Joe (17 page)

I couldn't make out what they were yelling about, but Mr. Kiley was saying things like, “This is not about disrespecting your religious beliefs, this is about your son disrespecting another student.” And, “I will not tolerate that kind of language, Mr. Hennessey. If you cannot speak civilly, I will hang up. What did you just say? Do not threaten me, sir!”

Meanwhile, the whole time, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Kevin was getting smaller in the chair next to me. I mean it. Honestly. He was kind of folding in on himself, especially when his dad was hollering on the other end of the phone. I had this little flicker of sympathy for him, the way I did the time Jeff talked about how Cole treats him. I was thinking that maybe his father hits him, and that's why he was shrinking the way he was. But that's all the sympathy I could manage. Just a flicker. Because no matter what Kevin's story is, I'm tired of how he talks to
me and pushes me around. I'm tired of being a victim.

I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was the fact that it was No-Name Day. Maybe it was because I was wearing the pin Aunt Pam had just sent me that says
NO ONE IS FREE WHEN OTHERS ARE OPPRESSED
. Maybe it was remembering how last week Kevin had said something really mean to Zachary and I'd just stood there and pretended I hadn't heard it. Whatever it was, something finally snapped. It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Well, today, I stopped giving Kevin Hennessey my consent.

It was so cool the way the rest of the day played out. I mean, here it was—No-Name Day!—and Kevin Hennessey gets suspended for calling me a name! We had an assembly with a speaker, and the poster contest, and all kinds of other stuff for No-Name Day, but all everybody was talking about was Kevin Hennessey getting suspended for something he's been getting away with for years.

I have to admit I'm still a little bit scared that he's going to beat me up the first chance he gets. Jimmy Lemon has already threatened me, but I'm not scared of Jimmy. He's all talk and no muscle.

At lunch, DuShawn told me, “Don't sweat it.” He said
now that everything is out in the open to the whole school—including me being gay! Oh. My. God.—Kevin isn't going to mess with me. I guess he could be right. Because right after he said that, some boys (by which I mean guy-guys) came over to our table and told me they thought what I'd done was cool. They said that Kevin was a big seven-letter-word-starting-with-A and they were glad I'd “put him out of commission.”

I'm, like, a hero!

Mr. Kiley announced at the assembly that next year we're going to have a whole week and call it No Name-Calling Week, and he's going to try to get other schools in the area to do the same thing. And he called Addie and me into his office at the end of the day and said he is approving the GSA and that we can get it going whenever we want.

At dinner tonight, I told my family about everything that happened, and they were really proud of me. Even Jeff grunted something about my being brave. Then my dad said, “I have to give Mr. Kiley a lot of credit, too. It's nice to know that educators can be educated.”

I said, “You know what's even nicer? After No-Name Day, I have a whole week of No Kevin Hennessey!”

LIFE LESSON
: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”—Eleanor Roosevelt

I NEVER LIKED TO WRITE BEFORE. OR MAYBE I JUST NEVER
KNEW
I liked to write. But writing this alphabiography has been TF.

So I've decided that writing is going to be my new interest. I'm going to write short stories and maybe a play, and, oh, big guess what: Skeezie and I are going to write a humor column for the
Easel
(like you don't know what that is: the school paper. Hello).

It happened this way:

Kelsey (Bobby's girlfriend, remember?) draws for the paper (she's an awesome artist) (honestly) (maybe even as good as Aunt Pam), and she's become, like, best buds with the editor, Heather O'Malley. Heather asked her if she knew anybody who was funny. Right away Kelsey said, “Skeezie and Joe.”

So Heather said, “Well, which one should I ask?”

And Kelsey said, “Why don't you ask them both?”

So that's what Heather did, and we both said yes. Now Skeezie and I are not only earring brothers, we're writing partners! (I just realized this means we'll be spending more time together, which means I am going to
have
to do something about Skeezie's skanky eating habits.)

Heather also asked me to write an op-ed piece for the
Easel
(Culture Note: “op-ed” stands for “opinion editorial”) on “Why We Need a GSA at Paintbrush Falls Middle School.” This was Addie's idea (of course), but Heather really liked it, and she said that I should be the one to write it.

Oh. My. God. Maybe instead of growing up to be a famous designer or actor or whatever, I'll be a famous writer. How cool would that be?

(Grandma Lily called tonight, and when I told her what's going on, she said, “First you're gay and now you're a famous writer, who can keep up?” Then she told me not to put the cart before the horse. Whatever that means.)

(Maybe it means I have to write something before I can be a famous writer.)

(As Pooh would say: “Oh, bother.”)

Well, I guess if I'm going to become a famous writer, I'd better get started. I have a lot to say about why we need
a gay-straight alliance, because even though Kevin Hennessey is “out of commission,” he'll be back, and besides, there are a lot of other kids in this school who think it's no big deal to say “that's so gay” or call somebody a faggot. They should only know how that makes
me
feel (and other kids, too, who might not even be gay)—and they will know, because I'm going to tell them!

LIFE LESSON
: I figured it out—when you're writing, the person you're talking to mostly is yourself.

Top Ten Things You Need to Know About the Xylophone

1. Toy xylophones aren't really xylophones.
Xylo
comes from the Greek word
xylon
, which refers to wood. Real xylophones have wood bars. Toy xylophones have metal bars, so they should be called “metalophones”. Does that mean that if the bars were made out of Scotch tape, the instrument would be called a “ce
ll
-o-phone”?

2. How many people does it take to play a xylophone? Some large xylophones require two to three performers using up to six mallets to strike the bars. Toy xylophones require one child to strike the bars, a second child to yank the mallet
away, and a parent to yell, “Don't make me come in there!” from the other room.

3. The xylophone is brighter in tone than its cousin the marimba. (Hey, I have a lot in common with the xylophone—I'm brighter in tone than my cousin Miranda!)

4. The xylophone is featured in a number of classical pieces, including
Symphony No. 6
by Gustav Mahler,
Carnival of the Animals
by Camille Saint-Saëns, and
Hello, Is Anybody Home?
by I. M. Yourdoorbell.

5. Even though the word “xylophone” starts with an x you do not make the x-sound when you say it. You make the z-sound. That is because if you made the x-sound, you might end up spitting on somebody. Which explains why so few words start with x.

6. Xylophones are usually placed on stands with wheels so they can be moved around easily. If that's the case, shouldn't xylophone players be placed on roller skates?

7. Mallets are also called “beaters.” For a bright and sharp sound, use a hard beater. For a gentle sound, use a soft beater. For an omelet, use an eggbeater.

8. It is said that if you dream of seeing a xylophone, it means you will achieve your greatest ambition. On the other hand, if you dream of
being
a xylophone, it means it's time to call your therapist.

9. There are different kinds of xylophones played in different parts of the world. Some of their names are the marimba, the balafon, and the da'uli da'uli. Some of the names of xylophone
players
are Fred, Harry, and Mildred.

10. Cher, Julia, and Keanu do not play the xylophone.

LIFE LESSON
: As x-words go, you can't beat “xylophone.” (Except with a mallet.)

YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY. IT STARTED OUT LIKE
any ordinary day, but then the most amazing things happened. You will not
believe
what I found out! Are you sitting down?
Kevin Hennessey is not coming back to school!
Neither is his brother, Cole! Everybody was talking about it. The story is that his parents were so disgusted with Mr. Kiley and the school board (and probably didn't want to have to own up to the fact that their sons are total bullies, like their father) that they're taking Kevin and Cole out of public school and sticking them in St. Andrew's! Poor kids at St. Andrew's, is all I can say.

Jimmy Lemon walked around all day looking like he was sucking on his last name. I almost felt sorry for him. I mean, he did lose his best friend. But hey, maybe now he stands a chance of turning into a decent human being.

Even with Kevin going to St. Andrew's, I still worry about him beating me up. We may no longer go to the
same school, but we live in the same town, and Paintbrush Falls is not very big. But who knows, maybe at that parochial school they'll teach him to be a real Christian and stop being a bully. They believe in miracles, right? It could happen.

I was afraid the story might all turn out to be a rumor, but my dad said it was true. He told me that Mr. Kiley and the school board (all except one member, whose name he wouldn't tell me, no matter how much I begged) stood up to Mrs. Hennessey and her—what was that word Addie's mom used? oh, right—cabal, and that was the end of it. He did say this one board member (He or She Who Shall Not Be Named) was making noises about starting trouble in the fall and fighting the GSA, so guess what. My dad is going to run for school board! He said Mr. Kiley needs all the support he can get to keep doing the right thing.

You want to know why else yesterday was such a good day? Because Colin asked if he could come over and we could watch a movie together. I told him I already had plans to go with the Gang of Five and some other friends to see that new Keanu Reeves movie, and did he want to come, too. So we all went, and right in the middle of the movie Colin whispered to me that Keanu was his favorite movie star. I whispered back that Keith Hernandez was my favorite baseball player. Colin was all, like,
really?
and
did you see the game where he blah blah blah
, and I had to own up to the fact that I'd heard Jeff talking to a friend about him, and I had no idea who Keith Hernandez was, I just liked his name. Colin cracked up, which got me laughing, too, and Skeezie hit me on the back of my head with his box of malted milk balls and told me to zip it.