Totally Joe (4 page)

Me: Really?

Colin: Sure. I never called a boy before. I mean… well, you know what I mean.

Me: Uh-huh, I know. Did you ever call a girl before?

Colin: Once. My mom made me.

Me: She
made
you? That is so
Mommie Dearest!

Colin: Huh?

Me:
Mommie Dearest
. It's an old movie about this real witch of a mother. I saw it over at Bobby's. He's into old movies. Oh, not that your mother is a witch, I mean … I'm not saying that, I mean, I don't even
know
your mother. Did you ever hear of Joan Crawford?

Colin: No.

Me: She was a movie star in the olden days. Only, this movie isn't
with
her, it's
about
her. And all the horrible things she did to her daughter in real life. It's totally over the top. Do you like movies?

Colin: Sure. Have you seen all the Matrix movies? They're awesome.

Me: I saw the first one. Keanu Reeves is so hot.

Colin: Um.

Me: Well, isn't he?

Colin: I guess. I never really thought about it.

Me: Oh. So who's your favorite movie star?

Colin: I don't have one.

Me: Get
out!
You don't have a favorite movie star?

Colin: Is that bad?

Me: Yeah-huh. But don't worry about it, help is on its way. Ta-da!

Colin: What about baseball? Are you watching the play-offs?

Me
(cursing Skeezie for not teaching me how to talk sports):
Well, I haven't… really … had … time. I've been so busy with, you know …

Colin
(laughing this seriously cute laugh):
It's okay. You're not into sports. I'm cool with that.

Me: Honest? Well, I'm cool with you not having a favorite movie star.

Colin: Honest?

Me: Semi-honest.

Colin: Oh. So, do you want to see a movie Saturday? Maybe I'll find a favorite star.

Me: Okay. We could watch the play-thingies, too. If you want to.

Colin: Play-offs. And that's okay, we don't have to. Well, I'd better go. I still have all that French homework.

Me:
Moi aussi
.
But wait, Colin …

Colin: Yeah?

Me: Um, Skeezie and Bobby and Addie and me, we're going to the dance tomorrow night, and I was wondering if… I mean, you probably want to go with Drew and your other friends, but…

Colin: Why don't we all go together? I mean, you and me, we're … you know …

Me: Oh, good. I was afraid maybe you changed your mind.

Colin: What? No way!

Me: Good. So we'll go together. Well, I'll see you in school tomorrow. Good luck with the election.

Colin: You, too. And we'll see each other Saturday, too. Right?

Me: Saturday?

Colin: The movies, remember?

Me: Oh, right. I told you, I get a little stupid sometimes.

Where:
Colin's house

When:
Saturday, after going to the movies and having dinner with his family

The first part:
blah blah the movie blah blah your parents are really nice blah and your little sister is so cute and this is a cool room blah blah blah

The important part:

Me: So right now I like to be called JoDan. That's a combination of my first and middle names. Joseph and Daniel. My parents are
so
unimaginative. With a last name like Bunch, the least they could have done is named me
Alain—
that's French for Alan—or Keanu or something. Lately, I've been thinking of calling myself Soleil or maybe Jade. Soleil might be a tad pretentious, but I like Jade. It keeps the J and d thing going. But I still like JoDan, too. I don't know, what do you think?

Colin: I think you should be happy with Joe.

Me: Really?
You
have such a cool name. Colin. It's like a character in a novel. But Joe. Ugh.

A loooooooong pause
.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm talking too much.

Colin: It's okay. And, anyway, you're not talking too much. I was just thinking … Joe, I mean, JoDan …

Me: You can call me Joe.

Colin: Joe. I was thinking about Kevin and Jimmy at the dance last night. And the way my father was …

Me: What?

Colin: Looking at us during dinner. Do you think he knows?

Me: I think he was mostly looking at me. I'll bet your
other friends don't have streaked hair or painted pinky fingernails.

Colin
(laughing):
You're right about that. I just… I don't think I'm ready for my parents to know about us. About me. I thought this was going to be easier. It took me a whole year to work up the nerve to tell you, and now that I have …

Me: It's okay. It can be our thing. Nobody else has to know.

Colin: That would be okay with you?

Me: Semi-okay.

Colin: Oh.

Me: No, I mean it's okay. Honest. But what if somebody asks?

Colin: I don't know. Act like we don't know what they're talking about?

Me: Great. Don't ask, don't tell.

Colin: It's not anybody's business, anyway. The important thing is, we can still do stuff together, hang out—even in school—just not like …

Me: Just not like … boyfriends.

Colin: Not like boyfriends out in the open for everybody to see. Okay?

Me: It's okay. Your dad seems nice, though. He's not going to suddenly hate you if he does find out.

Colin: I wouldn't be so sure about that. What about your parents?

Me: We've never talked about it, but I think they know. And I'm pretty sure they're okay with letting me be whoever I am.

Colin: You are so lucky.

Me: That's what my aunt Pam keeps telling me.

Colin: She's right.

When my dad picked me up from Colin's house Saturday, I was quiet the whole way home. Quiet is not exactly my thing, so my dad started asking all these questions. Was I okay? Did something happen at Colin's? Did I need to talk about anything?

I just kept shaking my head, but inside I was, like, screaming,
Yes! I want to talk about everything! I want to tell you and the whole world that Colin is my boyfriend, and I want you and the whole world to say, “That's great!” Or maybe I want you and the whole world to not even care because it's no big deal Because it should be no big deal But it is, and that's why Colin is afraid and why we're going out but nobody knows
.

Finally, my dad said, “Whenever you want to talk, I'm here.”

I almost blurted out everything then, but this big lump came into my throat and I knew if I tried to speak all I'd do is end up crying.

LIFE LESSON
: “Don't ask, don't tell” sucks!

OKAY, CONFESSION: MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS NOT
THE WIZARD OF OZ
(WHICH I READ SOMEWHERE IS
supposed to be, like,
the
gay movie or something) (I have no idea why) or anything with Keanu Reeves or Leonardo DiCaprio (even if they do have fabulous names and are majorly cute). My fave movie is
E.T.—the Extra-Terrestrial
Unlike Keanu Reeves or Leonardo DiCaprio, E.T. does not have a fabulous name and is majorly
ugly
, but ever since the first time I saw him (I was six), I couldn't get him out of my mind. I began thinking I was from some other planet and wishing I could go home, just like E.T.
I would even look up at the sky at night and try to pick out which planet was mine. I had a name for it—Wisteria.

I think that's really the name of a flower or a perfume or something, but I liked the sound of it. I never told anybody, not Bobby or my aunt Pam or anybody. Wisteria was just for me.

I never pictured Wisteria very clearly in my mind. I didn't know what the houses looked like or the trees or people or anything. When I imagined myself living there, it wasn't what I saw that mattered. It was what I felt. I felt at home.

Is that totally weird or what?

Because I love my family and they love me. And I have really good friends who would probably cry even harder than Elliott if I ever
really
went off to some other planet. But sometimes I get this feeling like I'm far from home. Like, I could be sitting with my family watching TV or hanging out with my friends at the Candy Kitchen, and this feeling will come over me, like:
What am I doing here? I don't belong
.

Oh, and remember those scientists who practically kill E.T.? Well, there aren't any scientists after me, but there
is
Kevin Hennessey. Sometimes I think Kevin would kill me if he could get away with it. Honestly. I don't know why he hates me so much. Yesterday, he shoved me up against my locker and called me a totally disgusting name, which I
so
cannot write down here. I mean it. I was going to tell him, Takes one to know one,” but sanity kicked in and I kept my mouth shut. The way his face was all red and twisted, I swear he might have started punching me out any minute.

On Wisteria there are no Kevin Hennesseys.

I was so glad it was Friday. That meant two days without Kevin and at least one
with
Colin. Colin and I have spent time together every weekend for the past three weeks. I've even gone to his cross-country meets.
And he's come over to my house to watch movies. We haven't talked any more about being boyfriends. We just kind of know it's there.

Anyway, we didn't have any plans to hang out last night, but I was feeling so bad because of the whole Kevin thing that I called Colin and asked if he wanted to come over after dinner. He did, and the best thing happened! You're never going to believe it, not in a million years!

There he was, standing in the doorway with this DVD in his hand. He said, “I still don't have a favorite movie star, but I do have a favorite movie.”

He showed me, and I said, “Oh. My. God. It's
E.T.!”

He said, “Oh. My. God. Yes, it is!” (That's Colin trying to sound like me.) (Which was
so
funny.) (I guess you had to be there.)

Well, anyway, we went down to the basement and watched the movie, just the two of us. Jeff was up in his bedroom glued to his computer. Dad started watching
with us, but Mom and Aunt Pam got him to go upstairs. So it was just me and Colin, watching our favorite movie, saying our favorite lines together, cracking up when Drew Barrymore starts screaming her head off the first time she sees E.T. And at the end, when they're saying goodbye and E.T. touches Elliott's head with his finger, Colin reached over and touched my head and said right along with E.T. in this, like,
perfect
E.T. voice, “I'll be right here.”

I told him, “That was awesome,” meaning the voice. But all I could think about was his finger touching my head. I totally thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

No. It was better than that.

I thought I'd gone to Wisteria.