Totally Joe (2 page)

IT MIGHT SEEM FUNNY TO START AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY WRITING ABOUT
somebody else, but there's a simple reason: Addie is one of my first memories.

I was four years old when I moved to Paintbrush Falls, right next door to this tall, skinny girl named Addie Carle. I found out later her real name was Addison. I made that number six on the “Weird Things About Our Neighbors” list I had going in my head. I remember the list:

1. These people don't eat meat. Not even hot dogs. They eat something called Tofu Pups instead. (Gross.)

2. The mother doesn't shave her armpits. (Gross.)

3. The father likes to be called by his first name. (Graham.)

4. The girl (Addie) is my age and knows how to read. Or
says
she does.

5. Addie thinks my favorite movie star has a stupid name and that there must be something wrong with her.

6. Addie's real name is Addison, which is a lot stupider than Cher, and I think there must be something wrong with
her
.

In case you're wondering, I had never seen Cher in a movie. I was only four. But I had seen her on an infomercial once, and, I don't know, it's like we instantly bonded. This is something that Addie, to this day, does not get. I love Addie—as a friend—but she can be
so
dense. Honestly.

So here's what I remember: this tall, skinny girl picking her nose while eating a peanut butter sandwich. It's not pretty, but I can't help what my first memories are, can I? And think about it: Wouldn't that make an impression on
you?

She was sitting on her front-porch steps. I walked over and stared at her picking her nose and eating her sandwich. Finally she said, “I thought you were supposed to be a boy. Why are you wearing a dress?” I told her that that was for me to know and her to find out. She said, “Oh, I will.” Then she offered me a bite of her sandwich,
but because of the booger factor, I politely said no. I think we went up to her room after that and played with her Legos.

Oh, I just remembered something else weird. It might have been #4½ on my list. Addie did not have any Barbies. I mean, what kind of girl doesn't have
any
Barbies? I was only four and not even a girl, and I had seven Barbies, at least.

The no-Barbies thing made me feel sorry for Addie for a while, but then I started to think that even without Barbies she was the luckiest person in the world. Why? Because she's an only child! I couldn't believe it when I found out. I was, like, “You're soooo lucky!” And she was, like, “Nuh-uh, you're luckier. You have a big brother.” Please. She had no idea what it was like having a brother who was totally different from you. I mean, Jeff is nice and all, but he's this total guy-guy who's all “yo” and “dude” and grabbing at his crotch and belching. (I don't mean to be crude, but, honestly, that's how it is.) Of course, when we were younger, Jeff wasn't like that so much. But, still, he was always into sports big-time, while me, all I have to do is
see
a ball and I get a nosebleed.

It's funny. Even though we're so different—and whatever the opposite of guy-guy is, that's what I am—Jeff
has never made fun of me. Even when I was going through my Easy-Bake oven stage (which lasted from my sixth birthday until the unfortunate incident with the lasagna when I was seven), he'd come home all sweaty from playing football or something and find me in an apron making cookies, and he wouldn't say anything nasty like, “Nice apron, Martha Stewart.” The worst he'd do was grab a cookie and belch. Even when he was with his friends, he pretty much left me alone. (Except for grabbing cookies.)

The point is, once we moved to Paintbrush Falls, Jeff and I never played together, which was okay with me because I had Addie next door to play with, and right off the bat Addie introduced me to her best friend, Bobby Goodspeed.

Addie is really smart, as everybody at Paintbrush Falls Middle School knows. (I mean, it's hard
not
to know, when she's in your face about it 24/7.) But her being smart can be a good thing. Like when we first met, after she asked me about the dress and after I asked her to come over to my house to play Barbies and she said, “
You
have Barbies?” she pretty much had me figured out and stopped asking questions. I think it helped that she
loved
playing Barbies. Her parents were so anti-Barbie they
probably would have sent her off to boarding school if they'd ever found out what was going on next door. Needless to say, she never told them. (I seem to recall that Addie liked Teacher Barbie best, which if you know Addie, will totally not be a surprise.)

Still, over the years Addie's smarts have gotten her into all kinds of trouble. Like what's going on right now, with her refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance because she says we don't have liberty and justice for all in this country and she doesn't like making empty pledges. I'm not sure how I feel about what she's doing. I mean, I respect her for standing up for what she believes in (and I kind of agree with her about it)—and it's totally cool that she and Bobby have gotten everybody in school talking about name-calling—but, I don't know, I've got to be honest: Sometimes I wish she'd just shut up and sit down.

She would
so
kill me if she knew I felt that way.

So why do I feel that way? I guess it's because when you're a boy like me, you kind of get noticed all the time. You don't need to have a friend who is always opening her big mouth and bringing even more attention your way. At the same time, Addie has always stood up for me. She's never been afraid to tell Kevin Hennessey off when he's called me names or tripped me or yanked my hair. I never
thought about it before, but it was probably because of Addie that I learned how to tell Kevin Hennessey off myself. (Not that I always do. But at least I know the words I would say if I had the nerve to say them.)

LIFE LESSON
: Standing up for other people can help them learn to stand up for themselves.

TODAY IN GYM KEVIN HENNESSEY CALLED ME A GIRL. I REMINDED HIM THAT WE'RE TRYING TO
stop name-calling in our school, and he said, “I'm not calling you a name, faggot, I'm calling you a girl, which you are.” I didn't even bother to point out that “faggot” is a name.
What
is the point? Kevin Hennessey has an IQ smaller than his neck size. Actually, he has a
head
smaller than his neck size. I'm so not kidding.

Well, I'm used to being called a girl, but,
excuse
me, is that supposed to be an insult? What's wrong with girls? Some of my best friends are girls! But I know what Kevin H. and all the other (um, no name-calling, so you'll have to use your imagination here)___________s mean when they say it. They mean I'm not a boy.

Okay, fine, I'm not a boy like
them
, but I'm still a boy. The thing is, boys—by which I mean guy-guys like my brother, Jeff—have always been a total mystery to me. I mean, how do they know how to do all that stuff, like
throw and catch and grease car engines? Besides the fact that I don't have a clue how to do any of those things, on a scale of 1-10 I have, like, below zero interest.
Way
below. Try negative a thousand.

But when you're a boy, people just expect you to:

1. Make fart noises under your armpit and think it's hilarious.

2. Make
real
farts and go, “Good one!”

3. Spit.

4. Relate to other boys by punching and shoving and calling them “jerk” and “butthead” and other names I'd better not put down if I want a good grade. (Guy-guy Fact: Calling somebody “butthead”—or worse—is considered even more brilliantly hilarious than making armpit noises.)

5. Relate to girls by teasing or ignoring them. (Except when you're with other boys, and then you brag about all the things you've done with girls, even if you've never really done any of them and would probably pass out if you actually had the chance to
kiss
a girl.)

6. Wave your hand around in class all the time until the teacher finally calls on you and then say, “I forgot.”

7. Laugh at the other boys who wave their hands around in class all the time until the teacher finally calls on them and they say, “I forgot.”

8. Be an expert on

a. video games

b. cars

c. sports

d. fixing things

e. acting tough

9. Act tough.

10. Use the word “faggot” at least twenty times a day.

If they didn't spend so much time trying to make my life miserable (at least fifteen out of every twenty “faggots” are guaranteed to be directed at boys like me), I'd actually feel sorry for guy-guys. I mean, they must get so tired of having to spit and fart and act tough all the time.

Okay, here's the part that's hard for me to admit: As much as I don't understand guy-guys—and sometimes actually feel sorry for them—I went through a period in my life when I wanted to
be
one. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me for not knowing how to, I don't know, be a boy. It's just so natural for Jeff to want to play football and know how to do it and enjoy watching it on TV. Sometimes Jeff and his friends are
talking about some game, and it's like they are speaking a foreign language.
C'est vrai!
(Culture Note: That means “It's true!” in French.)

The worst is on Thanksgiving, when we have all these relatives over and the guy-guys are down in the basement watching the Super Bowl or whatever it is that's on TV on Thanksgiving (and what a football game has to do with Pilgrims and Native Americans is beyond me) (unless maybe at the first Thanksgiving the turkey got overcooked and the Pilgrims tossed it to the Native Americans and that's how football was invented) (just a guess), and I'm in the kitchen with my mom and Aunt Pam and all the other female members of the family, and I keep thinking I should be down in the basement watching the game, but I don't want to because I would shrivel up and die from boredom, and, anyway, I don't speak the language. I do, however, speak “kitchen” fluently.

Luckily, I have two best friends—Bobby Goodspeed and Skeezie Tookis—who are guys but not guy-guys.

I also have Colin (see C).

Bobby and Skeezie have been my friends for years. Still, even with them as best friends (along with Addie), it hasn't always been easy. I don't know why, but all of a sudden in the fifth grade I wanted to be a guy-guy so
badly that I actually asked Skeezie to teach me how. Oh. My. God. It was pathetic.

Skeezie: Stop crossing your legs at the knee.

Me: What does that have to do with being a guy-guy?

Skeezie: It has to do with guys do not cross their legs at the knee. Your aunt Priscilla crosses her legs at the knee.

Me: I don't have an aunt Priscilla. Although I wish I did. I
love
the name.

Skeezie:
You're
an aunt Priscilla, okay? Now, listen up and do what I'm tellin' ya. If you gotta cross your legs, you keep one leg at a right angle to the floor and put your other ankle on the knee of that leg. Like this.

Me: Oh my god, you look just like that gangster in that movie. You know, the one with Al Pacino and all the blood? We saw it at Bobby's that time.

Skeezie: Do it, lame brain.

Me: Ow. It hurts.

Skeezie: Stop waving your hands around.

Me: I'm not waving—

Skeezie: Yes, you are. Guys don't wave their hands around. They keep their hands quiet.

Me: Well,
that's
boring.

Skeezie: What are you doing?

Me: What?

Skeezie: Your hands. You're folding them in your lap.

Me: I'm keeping them quiet.

Skeezie: Your aunt Priscilla sits with her hands folded in her lap.

Me: Not with her legs crossed like this, she doesn't. Where are you going?

Skeezie: I give up. Just be who you are, okay?

Me: But you haven't taught me how to talk sports yet. So, what do you think about those Yankees? Huh, Skeezie? Huh? How ‘bout them Yankees?

Skeezie never did teach me how to talk sports. And I never stopped crossing my legs at the knee. When you come right down to it, I'm a lot more comfortable sitting like my aunt Priscilla than like a gangster in some movie I can't even remember the name of.

I wish I
did
have an aunt Priscilla.

LIFE LESSON
: Just be who you are, okay?

OKAY, THIS IS REALLY FUNNY, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS COLIN TOLD ME THIS YEAR
(actually, he wrote it in this note he put in my locker) (which at first I thought was from somebody else since it was unsigned) (and why in the
universe
would Colin Briggs be putting a note in
my
locker?) was: “I wish I could be like you.”