Totally Joe (8 page)

Hi Colin,

Are you mad at me? You haven't e-mailed all weekend and when I tried calling you, Claire said you'd call back but you didn't. Maybe she didn't tell you I called? I'm sorry about Halloween but it isn't my fault some people are jerks. Are you sorry we dressed up as B&E? I'm not. I thought we were way cool and so did

blackbirdboy:
hi ernie

phonehome217:
hey bert! I was just writing you! I mean, Joe was just writing Colin. ruok?

blackbirdboy:
yeah. sorry I didn't call you back. How was the rest of the party?

phonehome217:
you mean the party that wasn't?

blackbirdboy:
yeah, that one. Drew says it sucked.

phonehome217:
Drew is right.

blackbirdboy:
Sara broke up with Drew and went back to Justin. Drew is all mopey. Sara told Justin about Halloween.

phonehome217:
what about it?

blackbirdboy:
going trick-or-treating, the party, everybody's costumes. Justin told her it sounded lame

phonehome217:
How do you know what Justin said?

blackbirdboy:
Justin told Drew & drew told me

phonehome217:
oh / Justin and drew are speaking to each other?

blackbirdboy:
yeah, they're good friends

phonehome217:
weird

blackbirdboy:
when I got home on friday you know what my dad said? He said, what are you supposed to be? I told him Bert. He said, from Sesame Street? That's kind of gay, isn't it? My own DAD said it!

phonehome217:
why would he say that? He's supposed to be a grown-up!

blackbirdboy:
meaning?

phonehome217:
meaning grown-ups aren't supposed to call things gay

blackbirdboy:
I think my dad's got a hang-up about it.

phonehome217:
Why?

blackbirdboy:
He always says these things. Like what he said about Paul the decorator, remember?

phonehome217:
yeah. so what did you say back?

blackbirdboy:
nothing. it made me feel sick, really sick, like I was going to throw up

phonehome217:
DID YOU?

blackbirdboy:
no, but I ran upstairs and got out of that costume real fast

phonehome217:
is that why you're not speaking 2 me?

blackbirdboy:
I'm not not speaking to you / I just needed to think about stuff

phonehome217:
RU about to break up with me? Because if you are you should do it in person or at least on the phone!!!!!!!!!

blackbirdboy:
I AM NOT BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!!!!

phonehome217:
but you wouldn't talk to me at the party and you didn't call me back

blackbirdboy:
can I tell you something? will you shut up and not interrupt me and be all worried I'm going to break up with you?

phonehome217:
moi? shut up?

blackbirdboy:
I'm waiting

phonehome217:
ok ok

blackbirdboy:
ok … so … here's what I think / you've had lots of time to know what it's like being gay. Because you were always different and maybe it was just obvious to you
that's what you were. I just figured it out last year and at first I was all like no this can't be me, I can't be this way! but then I

blackbirdboy:
saw a couple of gay characters on tv and I thought how they could be me and then I read this book with these three teenage guys figuring out they were gay and one of them was so much like me I couldn't believe it and then there were these signals. Like, I love playing sports but part of it is that I like being

blackbirdboy:
with other guys so much and then there were these other feelings

phonehome217:
I know what you mean

blackbirdboy:
yeah well it kind of scared me to have those feelings, but then I guessed that even though we were different in lots of ways maybe you had the same kinds of feelings and the more I watched you the more I thought you were pretty cool and I wished I could be like you AND DON'T INTERRUPT ME. the thing is that even if

blackbirdboy:
I can handle what it feels like to be gay inside I don't know if I can handle what other people do with it. I think maybe it was a mistake to have dressed up like we did and it was a BOG mistake to hold hands like that. It was stupid

phonehome217:
thanx a lot / and what do you mean a BOG mistake?

blackbirdboy:
sorry / a BIG mistake / and you know what I mean and I don't mean I think we're stupid or you're stupid / I mean it was stupid to hold hands like that

phonehome217:
“I want to hold your hand.” The Beatles

blackbirdboy:
“Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” The Beatles

phonehome217:
what's that from

blackbirdboy:
“Blackbird”

phonehome217:
so that's why you're blackbirdboy

blackbirdboy:
yeah, it's my fave beatles song and you're phonehome because of E.T.—but why 217?

phonehome217:
birthday—feb 17

blackbirdboy:
I knew that

phonehome217:
you did?

blackbirdboy:
sure. Last year—remember?

phonehome217:
yeah, you said a little bird told you. who was …?

blackbirdboy:
“blackbird singing in the dead of night”

phonehome217:
?????

blackbirdboy:
I'm the bird who told me. I saw it on a paper in the school office one time

phonehome217:
when you wished me happy birthday I couldn't believe it. You were my birthday wish

blackbirdboy:
wow! really?

phonehome217:
no, I'm lying. YES REALLY! So when is your bday?

blackbirdboy:
aug. 2

phonehome217:
You're a LEO?!?!?!?!

blackbirdboy:
why is that surprising?

phonehome217:
you don't seem like a leo. I should be a Leo and you should be me—Aquarius

blackbirdboy:
do you believe in that stuff?

phonehome217:
not really

blackbirdboy:
what do you want for your birthday?

phonehome217:
“I want to hold your hand.” The Beatles

blackbirdboy:
“I am only waiting for the moment to be free.” The Beatles

phonehome217:
huh?

blackbirdboy:
i'm not ready to hold hands—in public and stuff. I'm sorry, ‘cause I know you want to be more “out of the closet” and all that

phonehome217:
it's okay

blackbirdboy:
really?

phonehome217:
yeah, I'll just have to wait until your moment to be free. hey, isn't it weird that we both know so much about the Beatles and E.T. and Bert and Ernie? Are we like retro or something

blackbirdboy:
I guess

phonehome217:
so how about those Yankees huh?

blackbirdboy:
WHAT?

phonehome217:
I ran out of things to say. Do you wish I liked sports?

blackbirdboy:
no. do you wish I wanted to get my ear pierced like you do?

phonehome217:
DO YOU WANT TO? Next weekend, we could do it!

blackbirdboy:
Repeat: DO YOU WISH I WANTED TO GET MY EAR PIERCED (WHICH I DO NOT)?

phonehome217:
I kind of do, but it's ok

blackbirdboy:
my dad's yelling at me to get off the computer. I'll see you in school tomorrow ok?

phonehome217:
ok

blackbirdboy:
so like sweet dreams and stuff ok?

phonehome217:
U2

blackbirdboy:
hey ernie

phonehome217:
what is it bert

blackbirdboy:
Ernie, you've got a banana in your ear

phonehome217:
I'm sorry, Bert. I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear.

blackbirdboy:
LOL

phonehome217:
LOL TTFN

blackbirdboy:
TTFN

LIFE LESSON (OR QUESTION)
: There's a song (not the Beatles) that says we're “born free,” so how come we have to wait?

OKAY. I'M SURE J COULD BE FOR OTHER THINGS, BUT THIS IS
MY
ALPHABIOGRAPHY, SO J
HAS
TO BE
for Joe. The only problem is, I don't know what to write. I just finished IM-ing with Colin, and that's all I can think about.

Well, maybe not all. I'm thinking about tomorrow, too. Monday. Back to school. Wondering if Kevin and Jimmy will say anything about seeing Colin and me holding hands.

Oh. My. God. What if they
do?

I may have to call in dead.

Soooo … to get my mind off Colin (♥) and Kevin and Jimmy (
)… I'm going to go interview my parents about when I was a baby and stuff. Maybe that will help me figure out what to write.

I, Joseph Daniel Bunch, was born twelve years and almost nine months ago in a hospital in Albany, New York. My mother says I looked straight into her eyes when we met, so she knew right off I was going to be special. (She just didn't know
how
special, right?) My dad says the first time he saw me I was so skinny he called me “String Bean.” Those were his first words to me: string bean. Nice.

My first word was “poo.” I know what you're thinking, but you are so wrong. It was because I had a Winnie-the-Pooh doll that I took everywhere with me. I still have him. He's my favorite of all my stuffed animals. And, yes, I still have all my stuffed animals and I don't care who knows it! (Except maybe Kevin and Jimmy.)

According to my mom, I showed an early “creative flair,” meaning that I liked dressing up and playing make-believe from when I was very little. She said she couldn't keep me out of her closet, so she finally gave me some of her old clothes and made a dress-up trunk out of a box this big truck from my grandparents had come in. (Hated the truck, loved the box.) I called the box my “mannabah.” To this day, nobody knows what I meant by that, and I am sure I have no idea.

One thing I remember from the early years is my uncle Scott's wedding, which happened soon after we moved to Paintbrush Falls. Uncle Scott is my dad's younger brother. He likes to say he makes his money making money. I used to think that meant he was in his basement printing up counterfeit bills. Then I realized he didn't have a basement. My dad says his job has something to do with banking. Whatever. Frankly, Uncle Scott is kind of a snob, but I didn't know that back then. All I knew was that I got to dress up in my best clothes—I actually liked wearing ties, what can I tell you?—and go to this grown-up party in Schenectady.