Totem (15 page)

              “That and drink beer.” Daniel jokes.

              I open my door and duck into my room waving good bye to the two of them. Michelle follows Daniel off to check out his room located at the end of the hallway. Taking advantage of my absent roommate, I walk into the bathroom to take a shower first. I look in the mirror and laugh.  The ice blocking experience must also include grass getting stuck everywhere. Grass clippings fall to the floor as I pop the tank top off over my head and discard it on the floor with the newly created pile of grass.

I pull off my sports bra causing me to laugh even more. It looks like I have a grass bikini top on. I shake my head at the site as I turn on the shower and hop in. Once again I am in my own little bubble as the water washes over me. So far this day has been a ton of fun. I can’t wait to see what the date with Ty tonight will have in store for me.

             
Time ticks by slowly
as I pace back and forth in my room. I open the wardrobe to look at myself for the tenth time. Just like last time, the same person stares back at me. I look over my outfit one more time. I opted for a casual floral patterned dress that I bought on one of our excursions to the mall. On my feet are strappy high heels. It is very much a summer look, but down here in a city where summer seems to last nine months out of the year, it seems fitting. I look over at my big brown purse and cardigan on my desk chair. They were the only things I had that match this outfit. I sigh as I think about what would be more suitable for this outfit.

              I look over at Michelle’s side for my voice of fashion reason but am greeted only by a neatly made bed. She is off on her own little date with a guy from her communications class. I am happy that she decided to date around. I like Daniel and I know he is probably a good guy, but I did not like how much Michelle would worry about where they stood. It was taking my carefree Michelle and turning her into something negative. It is good for her to date around. It did however leave me without my voice of reason when it came to fashion choices. I scrutinize my outfit one last time in the mirror thinking of what she would tell me. I am sure she would say I look great and to shut up. A smile creeps over my face as I silently say those words to myself.

              I close the wardrobe satisfied enough with my look and crawl up into my bed. I look down at the clock that reads 6:25 pm. Ty set our date for 6:30 which from what all the movies tell me means he will be here fifteen minutes late. However, this is Ty I am talking about. My hero should arrive just on time. I turn on my television above my wardrobe for the first time in a long time and begin aimlessly flipping through channels. A dull nervousness mixed with a lot of excitement settles in my chest in anticipation for the date. I dated some in high school, but dating in college is a whole different scenario. It was as if high school dating was just practice and college dating is where you fine tune your skills. The boyhood ways of the past melt away as they become men and begin to pay for everything and hold doors open for you. Then there is hopefully the good night kiss. Well, Ty and I are past that point of the awkward first kiss. A smile appears on my face as the fresh memory of last weekend comes crashing over me. The passionate kiss in the rain was the best first kiss I have ever had. I hope good night kisses from Ty happen multiple times throughout this evening never really settling as farewell. My heart begins to beat faster as senses deep below my stomach begin to tug longingly at my unchaste thoughts.

Ty affects me like no other person I have ever known. I have had crushes in the past. There were moments in my preteen years where I would like a guy but never has a guy I liked like me back. Perhaps when I was younger, it was my fault. I was shy so I never would approach boys. Perhaps it was the boy’s fault. They probably could care less about silly little girls. Then there were the boys who would like you, but they weren’t the ones you wanted to like you. I was always nice to them, but knew I would never date them. Either way, I never had a man I had a crush on like me back. It is new territory.

A knock comes to the door snapping my thoughts back to the present. I look down at the clock on my desk. It is 6:30 on the dot. I hop out of my bed smoothing the wrinkles from my dress as I approach the door. I look out of the peep hole to see my date standing there patiently waiting. I pause for a moment staring through the circular hole. My heart leaps in my chest. I step back and open the door. There stands my date holding a single white lily. It is not just any little one but a beautiful long Calla lily.

“For you,” he states flashing a beautiful smile.

              “Thank you.”

              I step forward to accept the exquisite flower. As I do so, Ty leans in and gives me a kiss on my cheek. I smile up at him. I walk over and place the lily in the vase with the flowers from Andrew. The single white lily towers high above the carnations. It stands out like a sore thumb and literally seems to be the lily among the thorns. The sight amuses me. I turn my attention to Ty.

              “Who gave you those flowers?”

              I smile at Ty’s reaction. He is hesitant as he hides his curiosity about other guys I might have lying around. I should have toyed with him, but something inside of me just wanted to be completely honest.

              “They are from Andrew. He showed up with them as a peace offering with an apology.”

              “Good,” states Ty sternly. “There was no excuse for him not to be with you.”

              “I know.” I interrupt. “We cleared that up when we talked. Besides that, the whole incident was just dumb luck. I mean how many times can you get attacked?”

              Ty gives me a stern look. I can tell something is on his mind but I cannot tell what. I shoot him a reassuring smile. His face softens. He walks over to me and hugs me. My head gets lost in his chest. I take a deep breath. His cologne leaves me in a sensuous daze.

              “There are more dangers in this world than you know.” States Ty still holding on to me. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

              He takes a deep sigh. I feel the weight of his body shift around me as he squeezes me into his chest. His body is solid as every muscle seems to flex around me. I close my eyes taking a mental picture of the moment. He kisses me on top of my head. My thoughts begin to wander into dangerous territory as the same pulling feeling I got below my stomach rises back up. I give Ty a hug before pulling away and looking into his face. To my surprise, concern etches through his beautiful guise as he looks down at me. He lets out a smile that does not alter his concern. I give him a reassuring smile.

              “I will be fine. I am fine now.” I state. “So how did you know Calla lilies were my favorite?”

              A change of subject is very much in order. It is date night and I did not want any unhappy subjects so early on in our relationship or whatever is going on with us.

              “I didn’t.” replies Ty. “We have a few lilies out in pots on the balcony. That lily is probably the last one to bloom for the season. I thought it fitting to give you something that is one of a kind.”

              I smile. It is a very sweet gesture that makes me like Ty even more. I stand up on my tippy toes and give him a kiss on the lips.

              “It’s beautiful.” I say. “I didn’t think lilies can grow here.”

              “Sarah loves lilies as well. They were our mom’s favorite flowers probably because she was named Lily. Our mom would always have at least one lily plant in the house. Sarah insists on growing them in memory of our mother. They can be temperamental flowers in this climate but she seems to have a handle on it and they come up each year.”

              “Now she knows you plucked the last one of the season right? I’m not getting you in trouble.”

              “She knows. Besides, I was the one who removed the flower. You had nothing to do with it. Plus I don’t think THAT’S how you would get me in trouble anyway.”

              I look at him inquisitively as the emphasis on his words plays in my mind. Ty simply laughs leaving me to wonder what he means by his statement. I want to pursue my unspoken questions but he leaves no room as he shifts the topic back to the flower.

              “So why do you like lilies? I thought most girls like roses.”

              “I am not most girls.” I jest.

              “I know that.”

              I blush at his words. I cannot help it. My heart begins to race as more impure thoughts creep back into my mind. Quickly I shrug them off and focus on the question at hand. It is a long answer that I think Ty will probably think silly but something inside of me once again coerces honesty from me.

              “Well, it’s kind of a long answer with multiple parts.” I state.

              “Go on.” Ty urges with a crooked smile.

              “Well first off, I don’t like roses. I hate thorns and no matter how well they take the thorns off, I always end up getting pricked by one. Then, I like lilies for their symbolism I guess you could say. People use them in weddings which are definitely the beginning of something beautiful. Then they are used on graves and at funerals as a sign of everlasting life. It is a flower that represents a beginning and an end.”

              I flush. One of the biggest reasons has to do when I was younger and reading the bible. It is something I never told anyone. I was afraid that it would be silly. Not only that but I was young and being loved by another human being that was not family was foreign to me. It was a dream, a wish that I had to one day experience love. Perhaps it was tied into the princess fairytales in movies but either way, I felt embarrassed that my favorite flower became my favorite flower from passages in the bible. I feel my face flush as the compulsion to let Ty in to my deepest inner thoughts comes over me again. I look up into his eyes. They are looking at me waiting for me to finish. They urge me to go on. I take a deep sigh as I prepare for his ridicule.

              “Well, the biggest reason I think you will find odd.” I begin.

              I look up. His face is unchanged. I search for any sign that tells me not to let him in, but there is none. I push forward.
              “You are probably going to think this is silly, but I like lilies because of something I read in the bible.” I pause to gage his reaction only continuing when there is none. “My parents would always take me to church on Sunday. As I got older, I began to pursue my faith freely as questions rose in my mind. So naturally I began to read the bible. The more I read the bible, the more I began to not like it. There were all these rules about how one should live and pretty much everything seemed like a sin. Not just that, but I didn’t like the way women were portrayed. They just seemed like property that men could abuse freely. Even the women they tried to glorify as examples all fit into some kind of mold that they were only as strong as the men around would let them be.

              Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have faith. I just believe the bible is flawed because it was written by humans and we are all flawed, but that’s not the point I am getting at… While reading I stumbled upon one of the smaller books of the bible. It is so small that it’s very easy to overlook it. The book was Song of Songs. Through these endless pages of rules, regulations and stories to show examples of how to live your life is this one book of poetry. It’s not just any poetry, but love poems that men have written to their partners and they are beautiful. For one brief moment, the bible gives way and shows love between a man and woman in the purest since. For one brief moment, you can see that women have power over men. Now the objects they use to compare women to back then are not held with such great value today, but the one image that does apply is the lily. There is even a poem where the man compares his beloved as the lily among the thorns. To me, that is beautiful. It is awesome a book written so long ago can show that love is one of the most raw emotions we can share and to me, that is represented by the lily. That is why I like the lily.”

              I finish my sentence bracing myself for Ty’s reaction. I look up into his face. His eyes search mine and once again I do not know what thoughts lay behind that handsome mask. For one brief second I regret telling him, but then the only way to truly find someone who is right for you is to let them in. Let them see who you are on the inside. I stand resolute in my decision and wait for his reaction.

              “Why would I think that is silly?” Ty finally speaks.

              I shrug my shoulders. A smile creeps over my face as relief washes over my body. I had spoken enough. I just look at him and shrug my shoulders one more time.

              “It’s actually a beautiful reason.”

              Questions about Ty’s faith pop into my head. There is so much I want to know about him but faith seems like a topic too personal at this stage. We haven’t even defined what we are yet. Technically, we barely know each other. I look back at the flower that started my monologue.

              “Shall we go to dinner?”

              “Absolutely.” I reply ready to leave my room.

              I grab my purse and button down cardigan. Ty grabs my hand and begins walking towards the door. I am beyond excited to begin our first date. Before he opens the door, Ty stops dead in his tracks. I stare at his back inquisitively wondering what would make my handsome date stop. He turns around and looks at me with a crooked smile across his face and speaks.