Touch (9 page)
Authors: Sarah White
Leah
I should be paying attention to the lecture, but my sweatshirt smells like Noah, making it very hard to concentrate. Instead, I’m closing my eyes and taking in his scent, feeling the corners of my mouth curl with the thought of him being close. It’s amazing to me how a scent can invoke so many memories.
I move around in my chair and pretend to write in my notebook so the professor won’t be mad. He’s explaining the essentialism approach to teaching, but I can’t get my mind off of moving out of Noah’s apartment. Moving is the right thing to do, I guess, but somewhere deep inside my gut I feel like we are going to have some unfinished business. I wonder, if I had met Noah later in my life, perhaps a year or so from now, would I have been able to convince him to give us a shot?
From the outside he looks like a player, always switching the line-up of women so that none get too comfortable with being close to him. After spending a few weeks living side by side, I know that he doesn’t choose his lifestyle from a place of narcissism, but instead from a dark part of his soul that has been hurt. He is capable of love. The problem isn’t whether or not his heart possesses the ability to love someone, it’s that he has opened it to someone before and the space she once occupied is now filled with pain and pessimism.
My phone buzzes in my lap and I welcome the diversion since this professor is putting me to sleep. The last thing I expected—a text from Lyle—stares back at me from my screen.
Lyle:
Can I talk to you?
I feel kind of bad about screening Lyle’s calls lately, but I feel like it’s not doing either of us any good to keep going over the same things.
I still love him, but something has shifted. I look back on our time together and feel sad, but not because he isn’t with me. I’m sad because he isn’t the same guy he was when we met. That Lyle left long before we broke up.
Maybe a stronger woman would tell Lyle no. She might be able to let the unanswered questions remain unanswered and move forward, knowing it was for the best. I’m not that woman. I’m lacking the ability to turn my back on the man I thought was my future because he isn’t acting the way I want him to. There is still a part of me that believes we could fix this if we really tried. It would require that the two of us were committed to making it work…I’m just not sure I feel that commitment. I type out a response.
Me:
Sure. I’m free in a minute. I’ll call you.
I blame Noah and his stupid videos. Over the past few weeks I’ve been coding them and feeling more discouraged each time the couple fails to connect with each other. I would never admit this to Noah, but I see how he comes to the conclusions he has. The numbers are hard to argue. There is still one couple that I am hanging onto hope for, though. They are my evidence that we are not all doomed to have our hearts broken. Another text comes through.
Lyle:
Looking forward to it.
I can’t help but roll my eyes and feel a small amount of resentment when I read his message. When we first broke up I wanted so badly to hear his voice, even if it was just for a minute. But he had maintained that it was for the best if we took a little break from talking. Now, he wants to do a little processing of his own and the rules have all changed. How convenient. Oh, well. Cutting him off and pushing him away doesn’t offer closure for either of us.
The students around me begin to shuffle in their seats and I realize the lecture has come to an end. I dial Lyle’s number as I emerge from the crowded classroom and step outside. The sun is shining and I squint my eyes against its brightness. As I hit send, I look up to make sure I am not going to bump into anyone as I walk. I immediately regret it. My eyes focus on Noah, sitting across from a woman on the patio of the campus café.
I feel my feet become lead and find it difficult to move. The students behind me push past and I am only half aware of the sound of my call going through. The woman leans forward and holds Noah’s hand on top of the table. I can see from his now-familiar smile that his happiness is genuine. Our weeks together flash through my mind as I struggle to come up with who she might be and how I could have missed him being in any kind of relationship.
Noah never promised me he wasn’t seeing anyone. I guess I’ve just been assuming he wouldn’t have time since we’re together every evening. The truth is, I don’t know his schedule on campus. He could easily have been spending hours or even days with this woman without me knowing. He puts his hand on top of hers, leans forward and gives her a small kiss on her cheek.
The world around me closes in and I suck in air to help expand the tightening muscles that have a death grip on my lungs. I tell myself to look away but can’t find the strength.
“Leah? Hello? Are you there?” Lyle’s voice in my ear pulls me back into my body. I close my eyes and shake away the image of Noah and the woman.
“Yeah, Lyle, I’m here.” I open my eyes again but my feet still won’t move.
“I think we should talk,” Lyle says. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want to give us another try. I miss you. I miss us. Can we get together to discuss our future? I can drive out there to you. I need to get my dad’s knife, anyway.” I have waited so long for these words to come out of his mouth, but they don’t feel as good as I thought they would. In the distance Noah stands and moves closer to the beautiful woman. They wrap their arms around each other and I see the peaceful look on his face as he closes his eyes and absorbs her embrace.
I feel lost between two worlds. In one, Lyle is waiting for my response to the declaration I have prayed for. In the other, I just watched my Noah care deeply for a woman, something he has told me he is not capable of. I believed him when he said he hasn’t been in love with anyone else, but now I know I have been a fool.
“We can talk about it, Lyle. I, um, I need to go. You have my new address. I should be back in my apartment Saturday.” I don’t wait for him to respond before I end the call. I turn back against the traffic of the students leaving the lecture halls and decide to take the long way home. Maybe this is a gift from the universe. If I had never seen Noah with that woman he clearly cares about, if not loves, I would always have wondered if I could have been the one to help him. Now I know that the intimate friendship we shared was not enough. Whatever she has is what it takes to earn his love, and clearly I don’t have it.
Noah
Running into Eva on campus was so unexpected. After all these years, it’s hard to believe our first time seeing each other would come as a complete surprise. I was leaving class when I saw her exit the room across from mine. I wasn’t sure if I should call out to her and get her attention, or let her slip out of my life again. She made the decision for me when her eyes met mine. She smiled and made her way through the crowd to where I stood.
The moment was one I had thought about for years. I’d run through what I would say and what she might look like. I’d wondered where she was living and what she was doing with herself. In all the times I imagined our reunion, I would never have predicted correctly how it was going to feel to see her again—someone I had loved, but who would never love me back. It was so much better than I imagined.
I stood frozen as she closed the distance between us. “Hello Noah.” Her arms opened up and pulled me into an awkward embrace. “Are you free to talk? Could we grab a quick cup of coffee?” I had class, but something told me that I needed this talk more than I’d needed anything in a really long time.
“Sure. I have a little time.” We were just a few steps away from the student union and we made our way over to the small café.
“What brings you here?” I asked as we sat down at a table for two.
“I’m guest lecturing. I’ve been following your work.” She almost sounded guilty, but my heart warmed at the idea that she had cared enough to wonder what I’d been up to. “I knew you were still here so when the opportunity came up for me to visit, I jumped on it. I have some news I want to share.”
“You came a long way to chance not seeing me. Aren’t you still in New York?” I asked. A waitress stopped by our table and took our order.
“I was. Now I’m on my way to the UK. A small stop there and then I’m off to Africa. I love speaking to young psychology students. I’m hoping to get a few more stamps in my passport before the summer.”
I sat in that hard metal chair across from her and tried hard to see in her face what I used to see, but it just wasn’t there. I had made her something else entirely in my mind. Across from me sat a mature woman with years of life experience under her belt, and while she still looked beautiful, I didn’t see in her what I used to see.
“It sounds like you’re doing what you love. Are you still in charge of your own lab? What will they do while you’re gone?” She’d found the life she always wanted, one filled with acclaim and years of travel—a lifestyle I’ve never been interested in for myself.
“I still have the lab.” She smiled brightly and I could see the happiness written all over her face. The waitress dropped off our coffee but I didn’t feel much like drinking it. My stomach was in a strange knot as I processed the fact that the old craving to touch her and the bliss I remembered from the beginning of our relationship had long since faded away.
She took a sip and then continued, “I have graduate students that I’ve trained to take care of the day-to-day stuff and I’ll be available by phone and email.” She set her coffee down and looked at me with a seriousness that I felt deep inside. “How’ve you been?”
There will always be a part of me that will love her. Maybe not for who she is now, but for walking beside me during a happy time in my life. I will always love the Eva from years ago, but I knew then that I could let go of the Eva I had built up in my head.
“I’m good.” My lips immediately curled with the image of Leah in my mind. “I’ve met someone.” I felt a strong sense of pride about my friendship with Leah. I didn’t want to overstate what we have, but at that moment I realized that I want more. Eva reached across the table and held my hand.
“You deserve to love and be loved, Noah. You were never meant for a life without partnership. When we were together you made me so happy. I felt safe with you and loved more than I had ever been loved. We just wanted different things out of life.” I waited for regret to set in, but it didn’t. I couldn’t regret my time with Eva because through it I learned the foundation of building a relationship.
She beamed at me as she shared her news. “I’m getting married.”
“What?! Eva, that’s fantastic. Who is he?” I felt no pain in my heart, just hope.
I could have sworn I saw a twinkle in her eye and her voice took on a dreamy tone. “He’s a professor in the art department in New York. We’ve been dating for almost a year.”
“That’s great! Really, I’m happy for you.” I answered, feeling grateful that her life path had brought her back to me so we could both have closure.
“I’m glad you feel that way. I needed to see you. I didn’t want our break-up weighing on me as I start my new life with him. I care about you, Noah. I want you to be happy, too.”
I smiled. “I am happy. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. It looks like my data is going to prove my dissertation theory; I have a great position available to me here on campus if I want it, or an opportunity for private practice when I graduate. I also have an amazing woman in my life.” I could see the relief in her face as she let her hand slip from mine.
“Obviously you do; you light up when you talk about her. It’s adorable.” She stood and picked up her briefcase. “Thank you for meeting with me. I wish you all the best in your future. Don’t let that girl get away.” We hugged goodbye and as she walked away she took with her the heaviness of cynicism I’d been carrying for so long.
* * *
Now I am exactly where I want to be: my arms full of groceries and a nice bottle of wine, just steps away from the apartment and Leah. I’ll give her all the time she needs to be on her own, but I have two more nights to show her how much her friendship means to me. If I’m lucky, she’ll give me a chance, even if it means getting my heart broken in the end.
Thursday nights are the only nights she beats me home. I go inside and set the groceries on the kitchen counter. I haven’t felt this alive and happy in years. “Leah, are you home?” I take two wine glasses from the cabinet. When she doesn’t answer, I set the glasses down and search the apartment for any sign of her. I hear the front door open.
“Hey, Leah. I was just looking for you.” I sound so perky I cringe inside. I can tell by the look on her face that something is wrong. I reach out to her and pull her into my chest for a hug. “What’s the matter?” I feel her grow tense in my arms.
“Hi Noah. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just really tired. It’s been a long day.” She backs away from me and I drop my arms to my sides. It’s happening already; I’m desperate to touch her and she’s pulling away. I try hard to tamp down the fears running through my head. I nod and retreat to the kitchen, making myself busy pouring us each a glass of wine.
“So how was your day?” I force myself to sound cheerful. “Professor put you to sleep again this week?” I’d give anything to know what’s going on in her head right now. Her usual smile is absent and her expression is filled with worry, or maybe doubt.
“He’s still good at making us snore,” she jokes as she sets her bag down. “How was your day?” I don’t know how to approach what I want to share with her.
“It was great,” I answer honestly. She nods her head and looks down to the floor. I hand her the wine and she jumps up onto the counter. Something feels off tonight. I begin to wash the vegetables and pretend like the distance between us isn’t killing me. She hasn’t looked me in the eyes since she arrived.
The next sentence that falls from her lips makes my heart seize up and drop to the bottom of my stomach. I may have had a great epiphany today, but it looks like I’ve stepped straight into another circle of hell.
“I talked to Lyle today and he’s coming this weekend so we can try to work things out.”