Tracie Peterson (10 page)

Chapter 12

M
aggie woke several hours later to Carmalita’s gentle nudge. She stretched leisurely thinking she hadn’t slept so well in weeks. “You will find Señor, your father, has thoughtfully purchased all the things you will need,” Carmalita remarked, opening the doors of a huge mahogany wardrobe.

Maggie gasped. “There are so many clothes!” she said. There were gowns for every occasion possible, as well as some native-style skirts and peasant blouses. Maggie found these particularly interesting.

“Señor thought you might like them,” Carmalita offered. “It gets quite warm here, and they are most comfortable.”

“I can’t imagine it gets much hotter than Kansas. There were days when you scarcely could move from the heat,” Maggie said. Could it have only been weeks since she’d been safe in her own room in Topeka?

Maggie found riding outfits with long split skirts, petticoats, and lightweight camisoles. Just when Maggie thought she’d seen everything, Carmalita
would open a drawer or pull Maggie along to another chest. Maggie was amazed. She found boots, slippers, gloves, shawls, and things she’d never
thought about owning.

“Carmalita, how in the world did my father arrange for these things? How did he know they would fit?”

“Señor had your former dressmaker send your measurements. Then he ordered materials, and I made them into clothing. Of course, I had help and some things we ordered from the catalog.”

“I see,” Maggie said.

“Come, you must select something. Your father will expect you to join him and Señor Garrett for tea.”

“Oh, he will? Perhaps I should decline and show them both they can’t anticipate my actions.” Carmalita looked puzzled, and Maggie put aside the notion of causing a disturbance at Carmalita’s expense.

“I’ll wear this,” Maggie said, taking a white cotton peasant blouse and colorful skirt. Carmalita smiled broadly at this sign of acceptance.

“Come. I’ll show you how to wear them.”

Several minutes later, Maggie surveyed her image in the dressing table mirror. “I look so different, almost wild.” she observed. Her hair hung down to her waist in auburn waves.

“How would you like to wear your hair?” Carmalita questioned. “I am quite good at dressing hair.”

“I think I prefer to leave it down for now. I might as well go completely casual,” Maggie murmured.

Carmalita left and returned with Mexican sandals. “These will make your outfit complete,” she said, handing the sandals to Maggie.

“They are beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like them.” Maggie sat down while Carmalita showed her how to put them on.

“Oh, they’re so comfortable. I love them, Carmalita.”

Carmalita smiled more broadly than ever, but mindful of the time, she motioned Maggie to follow. “Come. Your father is waiting.”

“And Señor Garrett?” Maggie questioned sarcastically.

“Si. Your
novio
is waiting,” Carmalita answered as she guided Maggie down a long hallway.

“My what?” Maggie asked Carmalita in a hushed whisper.

“Your fiancé. Your sweetheart. You are to marry Señor Garrett, is it not so?” Carmalita questioned.

Maggie rolled her eyes and pushed back a long strand of hair. “I suppose everyone knows about this arrangement.” It was more a statement than a question, and Carmalita said nothing as she led Maggie down the long corridor.

“Finally!” Jason Intissar exclaimed loudly as Maggie stepped into the room. Garrett turned from the fireplace and swallowed hard. The look on his face told Maggie that her appearance had taken its planned toll.
Good,
Maggie thought.
I hope he realizes what he’s throwing away. I am not to be put aside like a child’s toy.

“Child, you’re positively radiant. The climate agrees with you. Did Carmalita show you everything?” Maggie’s father questioned eagerly. He hugged Maggie warmly.

Maggie wanted to respond to her father’s embrace, but caution flooded her heart and she stood perfectly still. If the reaction pained Jason, he said nothing.

“Garrett and I were discussing your trip. I’m so glad you gave up your plans to run away. You could have been killed, Maggie.” Jason’s words were full of concern. He didn’t sound condemning as Maggie had expected.

“I did what I felt I had to do,” Maggie said, taking a seat in the woven cane chair that Jason offered her. An uncomfortable stillness blanketed the room.

Jason broke the silence. “Well, you’re here now, and I pray you’ll be happy. I’ve done everything I could think of to welcome you and make you comfortable. I know Carmalita showed you the clothes, but there is more than that. I had special furniture made for your room, I’ve had several geldings made available for your choice of mount, and I’ve tried to prepare an abundance of reading materials in the library.”

“That was quite thoughtful of you, Father. However, it wasn’t necessary. While I’ve never had to live without the things I needed, I am not like most well-to-do women. I can live quite simply if I need to.” Maggie lifted her chin in a defiant move her grandmother would have recognized as a warning.

“Maggie, we need to talk. We three,” Jason said, motioning toward Garrett. Maggie stared icily in Garrett’s direction. “Pray continue, Father,” she said with slight sarcasm.

“Stop it, Maggie. Your father deserves better than one of your temper tantrums,” an angry Garrett stated. “He’s only trying to make it easy on you. Now stop acting like a spoiled child.”

“You seem rather intent on making an issue of my age. As I’ve told you before, I will be eighteen in less than three weeks. Most of my friends are married, and some even have children. I am not a child, nor do I act childish. I am, however, running out of patience with this game.

“I am here, Father. Not by my wishes, but by Garrett Lucas’s and yours. I am not happy I had to leave Grandmother. She’s an old woman, and her health is failing. Now she will live out her days alone, and I resent that.” Maggie paused briefly to note the expression of surprise on her father’s face.

Maggie didn’t want to hurt her father, but overpowering fear was gripping her heart. She didn’t want to remember thoughts and feelings that were threatening to surface. Anger seemed the only way to hold them at bay.

“Does my ability to speak for myself surprise you? Did you think I’d come running back for the happy reunion? I don’t hate you as I once did.” Maggie heard her father gasp and regretted her words. But it was too late.

“Yes, that’s right. I did hate you,” Maggie said the words to her father, but it was Garrett she was thinking of. Garrett and his plans to desert her just as her father had, just as God had.

“You left me. I had just lost my mother and the baby brother I had yearned for, then you turned and walked away. I was ridiculed as an orphan. The few friends I had pitied my loss and my life. My only hope was in Grandmother. She stood by me and held me when I was afraid. She kept me on the narrow path when I felt sure I would stray.” Tears threatened to spill
from Maggie’s eyes. She could see her father, too, had tears. Garrett, howev
er, remained strangely still.

Maggie softened her voice. “I don’t hate you anymore. Garrett told me why you left, and while I suppose Grandmother tried to explain it to me many times, Garrett finally accomplished getting through to me. I won’t pretend I’m not fearful of this entire arrangement, and while it’s true I have come to accept the idea of marriage to your choice of a husband,” she said, waving her hand toward Garrett, “I don’t believe the man in question has the same desire.”

Garrett’s lips curled into a smile. Jason looked first to Garrett, then back to Maggie before both he and Garrett burst into laughter. “Oh, Maggie, you have no idea.” Jason’s words stung.

“Then why don’t you fill me in? Or don’t I have a right to know what is to become of me?” Maggie’s words were devoid of emotion. Everything inside her went numb.

Jason started to speak, but Garrett raised his hand. “I told you before, Maggie. I fully intend to marry you, but it will be in my own good time and after you’ve made peace with your father and God.”

Jason said nothing, and Maggie noticed he strained to breathe. She did
n’t want to fight the sick, frail man her father had become.

Maggie turned to face Garrett. “I have spent a lifetime distancing myself from painful relationships. If what you said to me last night was true, then I am about to begin that task once again.”

“But, Maggie,” Jason interjected. “Garrett loves you. If you can’t see that, you’re blind. He’s trying to tell you that we need to break down the wall between us. It hurts me so much to see you like this, Maggie.”

“I can’t pretend to be what I’m not. Nor can I conjure feelings that aren’t there,” Maggie spoke slowly. “I can’t forget what happened, and I don’t think you can either.”

“What are you talking about?” Jason questioned earnestly.

Maggie wasn’t sure. More than a feeling, a vague memory filled her mind. It had to be quite terrible, Maggie decided, or her mind would let her remember.

“Never mind,” Maggie replied firmly. Something kept her from continuing. “As for you, Garrett Lucas, either you want to marry me or you don’t. You have no right to put me off.”

Garrett toyed with an Indian pitcher. He smiled slightly as he traced the pattern etched on the pitcher’s side. “You mean like you’re putting off your father and God?”

Maggie jumped to her feet. “Stop it! I won’t tolerate any more of this!” She walked quickly from the room, nearly running by the time she approached the long hallway. She suddenly realized she had no idea where she was going. Tears blinded her, causing her to stumble. Strong hands steadied her, and in a heartbeat, Maggie felt herself held firmly in Garrett Lucas’s arms.

“Leave me alone!” she exclaimed in a half sob. She jerked wildly, trying to escape.

“When are you going to give this up? Trust me, I know what I’m doing,” Garrett whispered in Maggie’s ear.

Maggie went limp against Garrett’s chest. “You can’t leave me here. I don’t know him. I don’t know how to live here,” Maggie sobbed.

“You’ll learn and do so much faster and more thoroughly without me here. Remember, until a few weeks ago, you didn’t know me either. Now you’re ready to commit your life to me.”

“I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you will come back. You’ll be just like him. You’ll walk away and keep going.” Maggie’s words tore at Garrett’s heart.

“Hush,” he said softly, as he stroked Maggie’s hair. “I’m sorry,
mi queri
da.
I never thought about it that way.” Gently he lifted her tearstained face to meet his searching gaze. “I promise, Maggie. I promise you we’ll be man and wife one day. I won’t leave without returning to claim what is mine. But,” he paused, losing himself in the liquid blue of her eyes. “I don’t believe you can ever be mine until you resolve your feelings toward your father. I know too we can’t be anything to each other until you come to salvation in Jesus.”

Maggie pushed away from Garrett’s embrace. She squared her shoulders and wiped her eyes. There was a new composure about her, and Garrett showed his surprise.

“When will you leave?” Maggie calmly questioned.

Garrett said nothing for a moment, as if considering her question. Finally, he spoke the word Maggie dreaded. “Tomorrow.”

Maggie smoothed the front of her skirt and lifted a stony face. “As you wish. Garrett Lucas, I release you from any commitment you think we might have between us. I’m on my own from this moment. I don’t believe in you or my father, and I am beginning to question what possible reason a merciful God could have for all this.” She began to walk down the hall when Garrett pulled her back.

“Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t release you, Maggie. I don’t release you to run away from me and hide in your bedroom. I don’t release you to run away from dealing with your father and the pain that is firmly planted between you. And most of all,” he spoke with determination, “I don’t release you from a reconciliation with God.” With that, Garrett turned and walked away.

Maggie stood openmouthed, looking after him. She was still standing there when Carmalita found her. Maggie waved her away. She needed to be alone.

What if Garrett was right? How could she learn to deal with all that stood between her and her father? Maggie suddenly remembered the Bible verse she’d found while on the train: “ ‘And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.’ ”

Was God cursing her by taking Garrett Lucas away? What if something happened to Garrett and he died before being able to return to her? Would God curse her because she had been unwilling to put the past behind and open her heart to her father’s love?

Chapter 13

J
uly and August passed in a blur. Maggie’s birthday came and went, and
even though her father thoughtfully surprised her with gifts, Maggie bare
ly acknowledged the day. Her heart ached. Garrett was gone.

Day after day, Jason approached his daughter, only to be waved off. Occasionally, Maggie had asked her father about Garrett’s whereabouts, but Jason had promised not to tell her. His reward was his daughter’s stubborn refusal to have anything to do with him. Jason refused to give up, however, and continued to find some small place in his daughter’s life.

As September approached, Maggie’s emotional state had not improved. She’d taken to riding Thunder every day. The huge Morgan crossbreed was aptly named. He was as black as midnight and stood fifteen hands high.

Everyone on the ranch murmured about the Señor’s sad-eyed daughter. Maggie spoke only to Carmalita and her father, and him, only when she had to.

As autumn flooded Piñon Canyon with golds and oranges, Jason began to worry. He wanted to make things right with Maggie before he died, but he couldn’t reach through her pain and depression. Daily, he prayed for insight. His health was failing fast, and Jason feared if a reconciliation didn’t take place soon, it might not take place at all.

On one particularly hot day, Maggie entered the courtyard where Jason was taking breakfast. She had grown extremely thin, and despite her golden tan from day after day in the sun, she didn’t look well. Dark circles around her eyes gave her face a gaunt, inhuman look.

“Maggie, sit here with me,” Jason commanded gently.

“I’m not hungry,” Maggie said, pulling on her riding gloves. “I’m going to ride Thunder up on the ridge today.”

“Maggie, I need you to sit for a moment with me. Surely you can give
me. . .” Jason’s words gave way to a fit of coughing. Maggie was painful
ly aware that the frequency of her father’s coughing spells was increasing. The doctor had explained her father’s lungs were filling with fluid and his heart couldn’t work hard enough.

Maggie looked at her father’s reddened face. As the coughing began to subside, she took the chair beside her father.

“Thank you, Maggie,” Jason whispered. “Thank you for hearing me out.”

Maggie said nothing. She allowed Carmalita to pour her some orange juice but waved away her offer of eggs and toast.

“Maggie, you need to take better care of yourself. You must eat. It isn’t right.” Maggie knew she had a problem. Carmalita had already taken in Maggie’s clothes twice.

“Please don’t worry,” Maggie said. She didn’t intend to grieve her father. She was only trying to forget the pain of losing Garrett.

“Maggie, I want you to listen to me. I know we can work this out, and I know you can come to love me again.” Jason’s voice broke, and Maggie ached at the thought of his pain.

She thought for a moment, then offered, “But I do love you, Father. I don’t want you to worry. I do love you, and I know you love me.” The words came mechanically and without feeling. It seemed a small price to offer the dying man.

“Maggie, love is so much more than words. I want to spend time with you. I want to know your heart, and I want you to know mine. I have much to teach you about the ranch, and above everything else, I want you to come to know Jesus.”

Maggie stiffened. God seemed to hammer her from every direction. Even when she rode Thunder and struggled to forget the image of Garrett’s handsome, bearded face, God’s words filled her mind. Maggie lowered her face, fearful of facing her father’s eyes.

“I know you miss Garrett, I miss him too. He was my right hand, especially after I got sick,” Jason continued. “I feel his absence daily, especially with winter coming on and the problems with the banditos in the hills.” Jason hadn’t intended to mention it to Maggie. He saw her eyes widen slightly.

“Bandits here?” Maggie questioned.

“It’s possible. We’ve found some butchered cows, and several head are missing. It’s unlikely that it’s the Pueblos. I give them whatever they need through the mission.” Maggie nodded.

“Maggie, I can’t take back the past. God knows I would if it were possible. We both know, however, it’s not.” Jason struggled for air.

Maggie felt herself straining with every breath. For the first time she noticed the purplish red color of her father’s skin—skin that barely stretched over the bones of his face. Tears formed against Maggie’s will.

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” she whispered. “I don’t want to remember the pain of the past, and I don’t understand why Garrett doesn’t write. Why doesn’t he let us know he’s okay?” The words came out as whimpers, the fearful whimpers of a small child.

“I don’t know, Maggie. I know we’d both feel better if he did, but I do know Garrett Lucas rides with God. Wherever he might be, God is by his side,” Jason remarked confidently.

“If God rides with Garrett, maybe that’s why He doesn’t seem to be here,” Maggie replied.

“God not here?” Jason exclaimed. “How can you say such a thing? God is all around us. He’s urging your heart to listen. He is calling you to forgive and accept His forgiveness.”

“Forgive?” Maggie questioned.

“Yes, forgive. I want you to forgive me for leaving you, Maggie. I want you to forgive me for shutting you out. Do you think it’s possible?” Jason asked sincerely.

“I don’t think it’s a matter of forgiveness, Father,” Maggie began slowly. “I can’t forget what happened. It changed so many things about me. It made me stronger, more independent, and I suppose more distant.

“I didn’t make many friends. I feared they too, would leave me. When Garrett told me he was going, it was like watching it happen all over. I don’t think it’s a matter of forgiveness,” Maggie said, lifting her eyes to face her father’s surprised expression.

“But it is. Maggie, you haven’t let go of the past. If you had forgiven me, you could have let Garrett go with his promise of return and believed him. You wouldn’t be questioning your Heavenly Father, either.”

Maggie thought over her father’s words. Could they be true?

“I don’t understand,” Maggie finally said. “What does this have to do with God?”

“Maggie, your Heavenly Father is more reliable than your earthly one. You can count on God to be there every time, all the time, whenever you call out to Him. Don’t harden your heart toward God. He isn’t punishing you.”

Her father’s words seemed so clear, so truthful, yet Maggie hated to allow old feelings to surface. She hated to touch the emotions of the little girl from long ago, and she resented the fact she had to.

“If God loves me so much, why is He allowing me to hurt so badly?” Maggie couldn’t hold back the tears. She put her face in her gloved hands and cried. “If God loves me, why did He take my mother and brother away?”

Jason was beside her in a moment, holding her and stroking her hair. There were tears in his eyes as well.

Eight years of pain and anguish poured from Maggie’s heart. “He can’t possibly love me. It isn’t possible. I just know God hates me.” Maggie’s sobs tore at Jason’s heart.

“Oh, Maggie, God does love you. As much as I love you, God loves you much more. We are like the silver and gold ore which runs through the rocks of the mountains. Precious and brilliant but useless without refining. We are being refined for God’s purposes. I learned after your mother died that I had to accept God’s will for my life and forgive.”

Maggie lifted her face. “Forgive me?”

“No, Maggie,” Jason whispered. “Forgive myself.”

“What do you mean? You hadn’t done anything wrong. I was the one who caught the fever, and all because I went to Lillie’s house without permission.” Maggie’s sudden confession brought back her buried memories.

“Lillie’s house!” Maggie whispered the words. Lillie’s family had had the fever. Maggie remembered the red quarantine flag that had hung on the fence gate and front door of the Johnston house.

“I went to Lillie’s house. Remember before Potwin Place, when we lived side by side in town?” Maggie questioned, painfully remembering details that she’d successfully repressed for years.

“I remember,” Jason murmured.

“Mother was too busy to play with me. I was willful and spiteful, and I wanted to show her I could take care of myself. Mother told me to stay home. She explained the quarantine, but I didn’t care.

“When she went to her room to rest, I went to Lillie’s. I slipped in the back door, past their cook, and up the back stairs. Lillie wasn’t as sick as her sisters, and I played with her. When I got sick the next day, I knew God hated me. Mother died because of me. She really did! Now I know why God is punishing me!” Maggie’s body racked with uncontrollable sobs. “I killed my mother and brother!”

“No, Maggie! Listen to me,” Jason said, pulling Maggie to her feet.

“It was all my fault, all my fault!” Maggie wailed hysterically.

It took all the strength Jason had to shake Maggie. “Stop it. Stop it, now! You did not kill your mother, but that mistaken idea has always stood between us, Maggie. Because of it, you thought I blamed you for her death.” Maggie regained a bit of her composure, but tears still poured down her face.

“Well, didn’t you? Even a little bit?”

“No, because I knew the truth,” Jason said sadly.

“What truth?”

“We shared water from the same well as the Johnstons. Our well had caved in nearly three weeks earlier because of the flood. Remember? We had to stay with my mother because the Kaw River had flooded its banks. After the water receded and we returned home, I found that the well was beyond repair.”

Maggie wiped her eyes. “I remember the flood. I remember all the mud we had to clean out of the house.”

Jason smiled sadly. “You couldn’t have caught typhoid overnight from a simple visit to Lillie. You were already exposed through the water we shared. Your mother was sick when you came down with the fever. It wasn’t because of the baby that she couldn’t continue to care for you through your illness. It was because she was sick herself. Don’t you see, Maggie? She didn’t get typhoid from you. She was already sick.”

A tremendous weight lifted from Maggie’s shoulders. “Then God didn’t punish me for being disobedient by taking my mother and brother, and. . .” Maggie paused to study her father’s face. “You!” she whispered softly.

“No, Maggie. God didn’t punish you then, and He’s not punishing you now. He’s standing with open arms, just as I am.”

“Oh, Father. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me!” Maggie threw her arms around her father’s neck.

“Maggie, my Maggie, it is I who seek your forgiveness. Can you forgive me?”

“Oh, yes. A hundred times, yes!” They stood for several minutes holding each other. Jason’s heart was filled with pure joy. His Maggie was home!

The remainder of the day passed much too quickly. Maggie listened to her father talk of his early days in New Mexico, trips to Colorado in search of gold and silver, and the ranch he’d created.

Maggie, in turn, tried to explain a lifetime of feelings and dreams. She was sharing a memory from her school days when Jason suggested a short walk in the rose garden.

Maggie linked her arms through Jason’s and allowed his slow, faltering lead. “Please finish what you were saying,” Jason encouraged.

Maggie started to speak, but just then he brought her to the garden. “It’s beautiful!” she exclaimed. Her father had created a paradise. The rich, sweet fragrance of roses filled the air.

“How could I have lived here all this time and not known about this?” Maggie wondered aloud.

“Often we have precious things at our fingertips and fail to see them,” Jason answered thoughtfully.

Maggie nodded and reached down to touch the velvet softness of a delicate yellow rose. “These are my favorites,” she proclaimed, looking at the other roses as if to make certain.

Jason smiled proudly. “I’ve been experimenting with mixing varieties. This is one of my newer plants.”

“What do you call it?”

“God’s Hope.”

Maggie stiffened slightly. “Father?”

“Yes?” Jason gave his daughter full attention.

“How can I be sure? About God, I mean. How can I be sure I’m saved? Grandmother told me on many, many occasions, but it all seems so distant now.”

Jason’s heart soared. “It’s very simple, Maggie. You ask God to forgive you and He does. You have to trust Him, Maggie. I know your trust doesn’t come easily, but it’s what faith is all about. Just repent and believe on the name of Jesus. He’ll do the rest.”

Later that night, Maggie knelt beside her bed for the first time in years.

“Heavenly Father, I know I am a willful and childish young woman. I know, too, that I am the one who’s put walls between us. Thank you for letting me see this before it was too late. Please forgive me and help me to seek Your will in my life. I want Jesus to be my Savior, and I want to trust You all the days of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.”

As she got up, Maggie wondered,
Am I really saved?
She didn’t feel different. Could she do as her father had suggested and trust God?

“If the Bible is true,” Maggie said aloud, “and I believe it is, then I must trust. I need faith in God’s ability to save me and to bring me new life through His Son. He’s offered me a place to belong, but it’s up to me to accept.”

Maggie walked to the open French doors and looked out into the starlit sky. Garrett was out there somewhere. Would she ever see him again? He’d promised he’d be back for her, but could she believe him?

In the distance, coyotes yipped and howled at the moon. The echo of their mournful cries chilled Maggie.

“Please God,” Maggie prayed aloud. “Please bring Garrett back to me.”