Tracing Hearts (10 page)

“Sebastian isn’t here, honey,” says a voice I don't recognize. My last teardrops fall, and clarity becomes reality. It’s not him. “He must’ve just moved out because I just got here. I’m sorry,” says the kind, older gentleman. “I hope they don’t charge me for the hole I found in the wall.”

I can almost hear my heart break. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I stand shakily and walk back to my car. What can I do? How can I stop him from leaving like this? Then, an idea hits me, so I rush home, my mind is set on emailing him next. I’ve got to be able to get a hold of him somehow. I run upstairs and straight to my laptop.

“Come on, come on, come on,” I scold the machine as it takes forever to turn on.

Dear Sebastian,

Where are you? Please don’t leave. We can't leave it like this. Please let me explain. Cameron isn’t my boyfriend, well not anymore. I broke up with him just after you left. I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you were already gone. I thought you just needed time alone. If I thought you’d leave, I never would’ve let you go. I’m desperate. Please email me back. Your phone has been disconnected, and you’ve moved out of your hotel room. Email is all I’ve got. Please talk to me. Please!

Love forever,

Julia

Thirty minutes go by with no response. Maybe he can’t email because he’s on a plane. I wince at the thought that he could be so far away already. Just then, I get an email alert. I hold my breath. What? No! It’s an email from the server saying my email has bounced back, undeliverable. I curl up in a ball on top of my bed and weep uncontrollably into my pillow.

Sebastian

I hope this decision will help erase any idle thoughts of Julia from my mind. I can’t keep rehashing the mental pictures I keep getting, of the last time I saw her. His mouth on hers. His arm wrapped around her, leading her inside…away from me. The fact that she didn’t protest tells me everything I need to know. It’s just too painful. I feel bad that I didn’t tell her I was leaving in person, but I think it’s better this way. I’ll leave her to grieve the loss of her mother, leave her to move on without me interfering in her life. It’ll be like I never showed up on her doorstep at all. I feel like an idiot for believing I had any sort of chance with her. Of course she’d have a boyfriend. She’s beautiful and sweet. What on earth was I thinking? How could I ever believe it could possibly work between us? We’re so far apart, I might as well live on the moon.

I breathe in the stale, musty air, and blow it out in a rush. I’m sitting in the office chair, my knee nervously bouncing. With a pen in my hand, I sign the final piece of paperwork.

“Well, that’s it then,” he says and extends his hand. “Welcome to the US Army, son.”

Six years later

Julia

“Yes, I know what you mean. I like the actor they picked to play him. I just hope they do our favorite book justice,” I say as we step out onto the sidewalk in front of our office building.

“We’ve waited so long. I hope we’re not disappointed,” Jessica says, her long, curly, auburn hair flowing in the slight breeze.

“I think it’ll be fine. Do you want to take my car to lunch, or yours?”

“Yours, please. I don’t think mine has enough gas to get me to the corner of the street.”

I laugh and shake my head. Then, Jessica and I make our way to where I parked and get inside.

“Hey, there’s a note on your windshield, Julia.”

I place one foot onto the street, and reach out, grabbing the note.

“It’s probably some new restaurant trying to drum up business,” I say, settling back into the driver’s seat, and stuffing the note into my purse.

“Good. We could use some more decent places to eat around here.”

“No kidding.”

I pull out into traffic and head in the direction of our favorite little eatery. Once inside, we order our usual.

“So, you and Cam fighting again?”

“Not so much fighting as him groveling for me to take him back…again.” I roll my eyes at the thought.

“You’re not going to do it, are you?”

“I don’t think so. There’ve been too many times I’ve caught him in lies. I’m sort of over it.”

“You don’t sound one hundred percent positive though.”

I shrug. “It’s hard when you’ve been with someone for what seems like an eternity. We’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Yeah, but it sounds to me like
he
never grew up.”

I snort. “You could say that about a lot of men.”

We chuckle recalling more than a few people who fit that description.

***

Our waitress arrives with our usual menu selections then leaves promptly. I pick at my chicken while zoning out.

“Maybe, we should try something different next time. We always pick the same things,” she says while chewing her food.

I nod.

“Maybe we should do lots of things differently,” I mumble under my breath.

I’ve been with Cameron off and on since my senior year of high school. That’s a long time to deal with someone’s idiosyncrasies. I’ve learned to overlook a lot. It feels as though we’ve fallen into a sort of routine. It’s a habit, not a romantic relationship. I still love him, I think, but is that enough? Can I live with mediocrity for the rest of my life? We know each other very well. Sometimes, I think
too
well. And because of that, we don’t try to impress each other as we used to. I sigh.

“What’s wrong, Julia?” Jessica asks.

“Nothing. I just think I need a change.” I smile politely at her, not really wanting to elaborate right now.

Our checks arrive, so we both grab for our purses. I reach in to retrieve my wallet, inadvertently expelling the note that had been left on my windshield. Absentmindedly, I unfold it.

Always on your side

I gasp and cover my mouth, dropping the note, and startling Jessica.

“What? What is it?” she asks with wide eyes.

I stare at it, not answering her. I’m pretty sure my heart has stopped. I survey the room, and she asks again.

“Julia, you’re scaring me. What’s on the note?” She picks it up from the table and reads it. With a puzzled expression, she looks at me. “Is this from Cameron? What does it mean?”

“Not from Cameron,” I say, my response hushed.

She waits for me to continue, but I don’t.

“Julia!” She raises her voice to get my attention.

“What?” I snap out of my daze and look at her.

“What’s going on with you? Who is this from?”

I take a deep breath.

“It’s from an old friend.” She’s perplexed, so I continue. “His name is Sebastian. He is…was, my pen pal for six years.”

“Oh. You’ve never mentioned him.”

“No. I haven’t. I’ve tried hard to forget him.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “It’s a long story.”

She looks at her watch. “We’ve got the ride back to the office to talk about it.”

I nod slightly and silently agree to tell her about him.

“Sebastian and I were introduced, while we were in sixth grade. He lived on a military base in Germany. I lived in Ohio at the time. We wrote letters back and forth for years. At first, it was just homework, but we continued long after the assignment was over. I think we wrote to each other at least once a week.” I smile slightly. “Then, one day, he showed up at my door.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah. I was shocked, to say the least, but after I got over the initial feeling of disbelief, I was happy. Really happy. Happier than I probably should’ve been. Cameron and I had been dating for about six months at that time and already having problems. I knew in my heart that he wasn’t who I was supposed to be with.”

“Go on,” she says with her hand on her chest.

“Sebastian and I spent a few days together just after my mom died. It was a time in my life that was very difficult for me, as you can imagine, but seeing him was sort of…refreshing, and fun. Somehow, losing my mom didn’t hurt quite so much. I felt so comfortable around him, and I started to develop feelings for him. I thought we were about to kiss once…but he pulled back before anything happened.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, but it was then I felt my affection for him was most likely one sided. I was embarrassed and felt rejected. Then, he came to the funeral, where he and Cameron ended up nose to nose. I thought they were going to fight, but then Sebastian just backed off. He left the funeral as Cameron led me back inside. That evening, Sebastian unexpectedly flew back to Germany. No explanation, no goodbyes. I was very hurt. I went looking for him that night, but his phone had been disconnected, his email invalid, and his hotel room empty. I haven’t heard from him since. I wrote to his physical address for years after that. I never got any letters back. After a while, I just stopped. I gave up trying to find out what happened,” I say quietly. “I had almost forgotten him—”

“Until you got this note,” she says as she inspects it again. “Are you sure it’s from him?”

I nod. “Yes. It’s the exact thing he wrote on the back of the first picture he ever gave me.” I rifle through my handbag and dig out my wallet again. Opening it, I retrieve a small tattered picture. “See?” I hold it out for her to inspect. “I know it’s him.”

Her eyebrows shoot up. She looks at the back, comparing the handwriting. Then she turns it over to the front.

“Julia. You still carry this around with you?” I nod. “What do you suppose he wants?”

I shrug.

“I have no idea, but it’s in his handwriting, so he must be here, in North Carolina.”

“Does Cameron know about him?”

“Yes. As I said, they almost came to blows about six years ago.”

“I don’t think you should tell him about Sebastian’s note.”

I snort. “Not that it’s any of his business anymore anyway, but no. I don’t plan to tell him. If he’s here, he’s trying to let me know it, and I want to know why he left like he did. I need closure. I can't afford for Cameron to perceive him as a threat, and chase him off before I get some answers.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I have no idea where to look for him. I guess I’ll just have to wait to see if he contacts me again.”

The thought of having to wait for
him
to make another move, makes my stomach roll. Why didn’t he just email me? My address is still the same. And how on earth does this man have the power to infiltrate my mind after all this time? How did he find me? I moved to another state, for God’s sake. Did he get my new location from my dad? I think I’ll have to place a call back home, when I get off work.

We arrive back at the office. I park the car and we exit. As I walk to the main doors, I scour the area for any sign of a familiar face. I feel almost paranoid. I duck inside and try, futilely, to concentrate on my work.

After daydreaming for most of the afternoon, I hear the tell-tale sound of an incoming text message coming from my desk drawer.

It’s me. I’m sorry. Can I see you?

I don’t recognize the number.

Who is this?

Even as I text back, I already know the answer. I wait but get no response. I retype the message but still, no one replies. I decide to be brave and call the number back but it rings twice, then goes to voicemail. I’m getting irritated with this little game, so I endeavor to tell him so.

I don’t like games. If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

I hesitate to press send. I want to be mad at him, for leaving me, for finding me, for so many confusing things, but I also want to see him. I want to know why he’s back after such a long time with no contact. I also want to know if the feelings I thought he might’ve had were just in my head. I touch the screen, and it’s gone. I close my eyes and instantly second guess my decision to send it. Placing the phone back inside my drawer, I pretend not to care if he texts again.

I try to go on with my day, but constantly checking my phone, quickly becomes a routine. I’m furious with him and myself. If he wasn’t going to respond, why the hell did he contact me in the first place? As the end of my work day comes to a close, I gather my things and head back to my car. I’m disappointed to find my windshield free of debris.

***

“So no one called you to ask where I live now?”

“No, sweetheart. Why?” Dad asks.

“I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.”

“Is everything all right?”

I sigh. Is everything all right? I don't know. I’m more miserable today, than I was when he left so abruptly six years ago.

“Yes, Dad. I’m fine,” I lie.

“When are you coming for a visit? Toria has been asking.”

I smile.

“Soon. I promise. I have to go. Love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, honey. Take of care of yourself.”

“I will, Daddy.”

I hang up with the promise to call again soon.

***

Weeks go by without any further word. I’ve begun to think I was wrong about who my stalker actually was. In the meantime, I’ve gotten more paranoid and have started parking in the parking garage at work. It costs more, but I’m hoping that my car will be harder to find in there. I’ve also started staying inside the building for lunch. Cameron has called me several times. I’m tempted to tell him what’s been going on, just in case it’s not Sebastian. Cameron might be a lying, son of a bitch, but at least he’s some sort of protection. Then again, asking him for help could be another way for him to weasel his way back into my life again. I wrinkle my nose at that prospect.

***

Sitting alone in my apartment, I decide to go through some of the old letters from Sebastian that I’ve saved. Maybe there’s a clue inside one of them. I open the first one I got from him and smile fondly. We were so young, so naïve. His penmanship was awful. I giggle, remembering how excited I was to finally hear from him. The next few letters are mostly about what he likes to do, how miserable he is, and how much he likes the drawings I put on the outside of my envelopes. As I sit, cross-legged in the middle of my bedroom floor, surrounded by dozens of letters, my doorbell rings. It makes me jump. Who could it be? No one ever comes by at this hour. Tentatively, I get up and walk toward the door. They knock loudly, which startles me even more. I approach the peep hole and look out. I see nothing. Whoever it is, has covered the hole. My heart pounds thunderously in my chest.