Tracing Hearts (6 page)

Dear Julia,

We only get a month off, then it’s back to school. Wish I could be in the states with you…

Dear Sebastian,

High school is scary. I’ve met lots of new friends, though you’re still my favorite…

Dear Julia,

Email is awesome! We can communicate instantly. How was your day today?

Dear Sebastian,

I made the dance team! Thank you for telling me I could do it…

Dear Julia,

I’m trying out for the soccer team. Wish me luck…

Dear Sebastian,

I passed! I got my driver’s license!

Dear Julia,

Beer. Ugh. I’m not sure about it…

Dear Sebastian,

Nice pic! Have you been working out?? (I’m whistling a cat call.)

Dear Julia,

I got in a fight at school today while defending some kid. My black eye was SO worth his bloody nose…

Dear Sebastian,

I made honor roll…again! My mom and dad are so proud…

Dear Julia,

I loved your senior pictures. You look beautiful, as always…

Dear Sebastian,

I’m so sad. I have no date for Prom. :,( I wish you were here…

Dear Julia,

Please don’t cry. If I could, you know I’d be there. I’ll be with you in spirit…

Dear Sebastian,

My mom is really sick. They say it’s cancer. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t stop crying. I wish you were here to tell me everything was going to be all right. The doctors say it’s stage four. That’s not good. What if she dies? What’ll I do? This isn’t fair! I’ve only had her for eighteen years. It’s not enough time. My dad says she probably won’t make it to graduation. I feel like my world is ending...

Dear Julia,

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your family. You have no idea how much it’s killing me to not be there for you. I feel helpless reading about your pain and knowing I’m so damned far away. If I were there, I’d hold you and let you cry on my shoulder. I’d whisper into your hair and tell you I’m here and that it’ll be okay. I’d kiss the top of your head and gently wrap my arms around you. Please don’t cry…

My fist pounds thunderously onto the surface of my desk as I slam it down in frustration. “This is bullshit!” I shout, furious at the powers that be, for allowing Julia’s mom to get cancer. In one motion, I clear my desk of all papers and objects. I watch angrily, as my calculator bounces onto the ground, and the paperwork floats aimlessly to the floor. My jaw is clenched tightly, as are my fists, and my nostrils flare. I need to hit something. Before I know it, my fist is embedded into the wall beside my bed. I pull my hand back and see blood dripping from my knuckles. Soon, I hear the door open behind me and see my dad walk through it. Shit. The last thing I need is a lecture.

“Son. What’s going on?”

Still gritting my teeth, I shake my head. Dad looks at me, then the hole, then back at me.

“You’ve cut yourself. Come into the bathroom and get it cleaned up. You don’t want it to get infected.”

He holds open the door expectantly and, after a brief moment, I exit my room. He follows me inside the bathroom, then grabs the first aid kit, removing the antibiotic cream, gauze, and tape. I sit on the toilet lid. He’s being so calm. I’m surprised he’s not taking my head off about the new hole in the wall. After washing, drying, and applying the cream, he begins to wrap it.

“You want to talk about it?” I shake my head. “Well, I’m here if you need me.” He looks up from the task at hand, and our eyes meet. “Is it Julia?” I hesitate, then nod. “She’s got a boyfriend?” I look up, a disturbed expression on my face. “Okay, well if it’s not that, then...”

I sigh.

“Her mom is dying.”

He stops wrapping and looks at me again, a somber expression on his face.

“Oh,” he says, and continues bandaging my hand. “And you’re angry that you can’t be there with her?”

I nod and take in a deep breath, exhaling loudly.

“I feel helpless. She’s going through hell, and I’m—”

“Here,” he finishes my sentence. I nod, grimacing at the reality. Dad puts his hand on my shoulder. “Listen. I know your mother and I have made decisions that greatly affected your life. I’m not naïve to the fact that you’d rather be back home with your friends. But, this is the path and the career I’ve chosen. It’s not for everyone, but I’ve found something I love.” He pauses. “…And it looks like you have too.” I look up swiftly after his last sentence. “I know you care about Julia.” I nod again. “Why don’t you take a week or so; go to her.” My eyes widen. What did he just say? “Your mom and I will pay for you to fly back home. Go to her, comfort her. Then, come back and finish the year. It’ll calm you down and give you some perspective. Consider it your graduation present.”

“W…what?”

Is he serious?

He smiles, but it’s half-hearted. “I know a bunch of the guys have been pressuring you to enlist. I also know what a huge decision that is to make. I want you to make the right choice for you. In order to do that, you’ll have to know what you could be missing.” He lifts his eyebrows sympathetically. “Go to her.”

My breath hitches, then I stand and grab my dad in a tight hug. He reciprocates. This is very unusual for us.

“Thanks, Dad,” I whisper. He nods, then we release each other.

“I think you’ve got arrangements to make.”

I race to my bedroom, where my laptop lays, and fire it up. Then, I open my email.

Dear Julia,

Stay strong…help is coming.

Love,

Sebastian

I hitch a ride on a seven-forty-seven. I think and try to calm my nerves. It’s about an eight hour flight to the USA, in which I’ll be travelling back in time. Sort of. I’ve packed light. I’ll only be staying about a week. Half of that week, I’ll most likely be recovering from jetlag. I lean back against the seat and try to imagine the first time we’ll meet. I know I’ll recognize her. We’ve been friends on social media and sent dozens of pictures over the years. God, I’m nervous. She’s so beautiful. I’ll have to take into consideration her mom’s illness and, hopefully, help her feel a little better. Then, maybe, we can go somewhere to get her mind off everything. I close my eyes, clutching the album full of pictures I’ve brought with me, and fall asleep.

***

The plane finally lands at Hopkins Airport right around noon, I think. The time change has my internal clock all screwed up. As I make my way through the concourse, I note how exhausted I am. I didn’t anticipate this little glitch, so I endeavor to check into the hotel room, and sleep it off.

The guy behind the counter at the car rental place gets pissy with me, until he finds out my, active duty, military, father has already made all the arrangements. I end up getting an upgrade. I suspect this guy might be a recovering Army brat.

I take my first step out into the fresh air of the USA and savor the scent. Granted, it smells a lot like jet fuel and car exhaust, but there’s a familiar aroma that sparks a long forgotten memory—a smell that takes me back to when I was a kid. I tilt my head up, close my eyes, and smile. It’s not New York City, but then, I’m sure I’d be unable to take such a deep breath if it were.

Using the GPS on my phone, I navigate toward the hotel. My room is small, but then, I don’t really need much else. It has two queen size beds, a TV, and mini fridge. I eye the shower but ultimately decide sleep takes precedence over cleanliness. I crawl under the covers and fall fast asleep.

***

I wake slowly, reluctant to come to full consciousness, until I remember where I am. My eyes fly open. What time is it? I glance quickly at the clock, it’s eight o’clock in the evening. I yawn and my body protests, considering it’s the middle of the night in Germany. Never the less, I get up and shower. I need food.

Sitting in the parking lot of a fast food joint, I contemplate my next move. How do I do this? Should I just drive to her house and ring the bell?
Guess who’s here for dinner?
Probably not a great idea, especially since she has no idea I’m even in town. Maybe I should do a drive-by, so I know exactly where I’m going tomorrow, when I surprise her. Should I email her first? Will she be mad that I just showed up here? Oh, shit. I never even considered that before I got my plane ticket. I let my head fall back against the driver’s seat headrest and pretend this wasn’t a stupid idea. With nothing to lose, and without another thought, I plug her address into the GPS, and follow my British sounding tour guide.

Her street is quiet. All of the houses on it are very well kept. It’s the typical Hollywood set for any Hallmark movie. It’s nearly dark now, and most of the homes are aglow with their interior lights, which cast distorted rectangles onto the well-manicured lawns. As I park, I look into a nearby neighbor’s house, observing their evening rituals. Then, I spot Julia’s house. It has a light colored brick front with pillars and shrubs on either side of the door. Her porch light is on, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s home. I turn off the engine and sit, staring at her sidewalk, her door, her windows. She’s touched every one of them. I’m tempted to walk up and grab the doorknob, just to feel her proximity, but that’s just too stalkerish. I shake my head. “Get a grip, dumbass. Quit being such a freak,” I say under my breath.

After about ten minutes of gawking have passed, I decide to go back to the hotel. I’m just about to turn the key in the ignition, when a car pulls into her driveway. Could this be Julia? I freeze, as if moving would cause her to look over. The man in the driver’s seat parks and steps out. The street lamps illuminate him just enough for me to make out a few details. He has a medium build and he’s tall. He appears to be in business attire. I quietly observe him as he walks around to the other side. He stops at the passenger door and speaks with someone still inside the vehicle, though I’m too far away to hear their conversation. Suddenly, the passenger door opens and a small framed girl steps out. Could it be her? I reflexively hold my breath, then I duck down and watch her. Her hair is long and, possibly, curled at the ends. She’s holding something. A book? I can’t tell. I stare at the two as they walk toward the front door, trying, and failing, to see any facial features. I frown, as her back is to me now. Disappointment slinks in as I realize I won’t get to see any more of her tonight. Suddenly, I hear a loud pop, probably a car backfiring. She turns in the direction of the noise. The soft glow from the exterior porch lights give off just enough luminescence to highlight her face. It’s then that I’m able to see the girl. It’s her.
It’s really her
. It’s a brief glimpse but enough of one that I can see her delicate features. Her skin looks smooth. Her hair is partially pulled back and held with a clip at the top. Her nose and chin are in perfect proportion to the rest of her face. I exhale sharply. My God. She’s here.

Before turning back toward the door, her eyes sweep the area. I duck down further, hoping to not be discovered. She looks right at my car, and I freeze. Her gaze lingers in my direction for longer than is comfortable. Does she see me? Then, she turns and walks into her house, closing the door behind her. I exhale loudly and sag into my seat. My heart is racing out of control. That was close. I wait a few minutes to start my car and drive off.

***

Upon arrival at my hotel, I fire up my laptop. Between the jetlag and then sleeping the day away, I’d forgotten to email my parents to let them know I made it here safely. After sending a quick message, I check my inbox. There’s one from Julia that just came in. I open it right away.

Dear Sebastian,

She’s gone. My mom is gone. I’m so sad, and angry, and confused. Why did this happen? I just got back with my dad from making her funeral arrangements. I didn’t think I’d have to do that until decades from now. Oh, Sebastian, please help me. I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve cried so many tears, that I’m not sure there are any left. I need you to pull me out of this hell. I want to die. I want to be with her. I just want this pain to go away.

Holy shit! She wants to die? Is she serious? Is she capable of doing something stupid? I just don’t know. But, how can I stop her? I could email her back, but what if she doesn’t check her messages again tonight? She didn’t even sign her name at the end. Does that mean she’s already done something? I pace the floor, pushing my hands through my hair out of sheer desperation. “What do I do? What do I do?” I say over and over again. I don’t know, but I have to do
something
. I grab my keys, race out of my room, and out into the parking lot.

Driving wildly, I speed in the direction of her house. Parking in the same spot I’d just left about an hour ago, I turn the ignition off and sit for a moment, gathering my thoughts and putting together a plan of action in my head. Will her father let me in to see her? Will he think I’m nuts for stalking her? Probably, but I don’t care. If she’s planning on hurting herself, I’ve got to get to her fast.

With every nerve in my body singing loudly, I walk across the street to the light colored, brick house, which contains someone very dear to me. I raise a tentative hand and poke at the doorbell, my stomach suddenly protesting. I take a deep breath, then I exhale and wait. Time ticks by so slowly that I’m sure it’s been hours. Finally, I see movement at the door. A man, her father I’m sure, opens it and peeks out.