Troublemakers

HARLAN ELLISON has been called “one of the great living American short story writers” by the
Washington Post.
The
Los Angeles Times
has said, “It’s long past time for Harlan Ellison to be awarded the title: 20th century Lewis Carroll.” In a career spanning fifty years, he has won more awards for the 74 books he has written or edited, the more than 1700 stories, essays, articles, and newspaper columns, the two dozen teleplays and a dozen motion pictures he has created, than any other living fantasist. He has won the Hugo award 8 ½ times, the Nebula three times, the Bram Stoker Award, presented by the Horror Writers Association, five times (including the Lifetime Achievement Award in 1996), the Edgar Allan Poe Award of the Mystery Writers of America twice, the Georges Melies fantasy film award twice, and the Silver Pen for Journalism by P.E.N., the international writers’ union. He is also the only author in Hollywood ever to win the Writers Guild of America award for Most Outstanding Teleplay (solo work) four times, most recently for “Paladin of the Lost Hour,” 1987,
The Twilight Zone.
In March, 1998, the National Women’s Committee of Brandeis University honored him with their Words, Wit Et Wisdom award. He recently completed the screenplay for Dimension Films,
Demon with a Glass Hand,
to be directed by David Twohy.

OTHER BOOKS BY HARLAN ELLISON

Novels:

Web of the City
(1958);
The Sound of a Scythe
(1960);
Spider Kiss
(1961).

Short Novels:

Doomsman
(1967);
All the Lies That Are My Life
(1980);
Run for the Stars
(1991);
Mefisto in Onyx
(1993).

Graphic Novels:

Demon with a Glass Hand
(adapted with Marshall Rogers; 1986);
Night and the Enemy
(adapted with Ken Steacy, 1987);
Vic and Blood: The Chronicles of A Boy and His Dog
(adapted with Richard Corben, 1989);
Harlan Ellison’s Dream Corridor
(1996).

Short Story Collections:

The Deadly Streets
(1958);
A Touch of Infinity
(1960);
Children of the Streets
(1961);
Gentleman Junkie and Other Stories of the Hung-Up Generation
(1961);
Ellison Wonderland
(1962);
Paingod and Other Delusions
(1965);
I Have No Mouth & I Must Scream
(1967);
From the Land of Fear
(1967);
Love Ain’t Nothing But Sex Mispelled
(19681;
The Beast That Shouted Love at the Heart o the World
(1969);
Over the Edge
(1970);
All the Sounds o Fear
(British publication only-1973);
The Time of the Eye
(British publication only-1974);
Approaching Oblivion
(1974);
Deathbird stories
(1974);
No Doors, No Windows
(1975);
Strange Wine
(1978);
Shatterday
(1980);
Stalking the Nightmare
(1982);
Angry Candy
(1988);
Mind Fields
(with Jacek Yerka, 1994); Slippage (1997);
The Essential Ellison: A FiftyYear Retrospective
(2001).

Non-fiction and Essay Collections:

Memos from Purgatory
(1961);
The Glass Teat, Essays
of
Opinion on Television
(1970);
The Other Glass Teat, Further Essays of Opinion on Television; The Book of Ellison (1978); Sleepless Nights in the Procrustean Bed,
(1984);
An Edge in My Voice
(1985);
Harlan Ellison’s Watching
(1989);
The Harlan Ellison Hornbook
(1990).

TROUBLEMAKERS

an EDGEWORKS ABBEY offering

in association with

ibooks

new york

www.ibooksinc.com

DISTRIBUTED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER, INC

TROUBLEMAKERS: STORIES BY HARLAN ELLISON is an original Edgeworks Abbey offering in association with ibooks, inc. Published by arrangement with the author.

Introductions, interstitial story notes and stories by Harlan Ellison. Copyright c 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. All rights reserved.

TROUBLEMAKERS: STORIES BY HARLAN ELLISON Copyright c 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. All rights reserved.

Introduction: “That Kid’s Gonna Wind Up in Jail I” copyright c 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. Interstitial story notes copyright c 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. “On the Downhill Side” copyright c 1972 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 2000 by Harlan Ellison. “A Lot of Saucers” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1985 by Harlan Ellison. “Soldier” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1985 by Harlan Ellison. “Rain, Rain Go Away” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1984 by Harlan Ellison. “Night Vigil” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison. renewed copyright c 1985 by Harlan Ellison. “The Voice in the Garden” copyright c 1967 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1997 by Harlan Ellison, “Deeper than Darkness” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1985 by Harlan Ellison. “Never Send to Know for Whom the Lettuce Wilts” copyright c 2001 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. “Sensible City” is copyright c 1994 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. “Djinn, No Chaser” copyright c 1982 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation. “ ‘Repent, Harlequin’. Said the Ticktockman” copyright c 1965 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1993 by Harlan Ellison. “Invasion Footnote” copyright c 1957 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1985 by Harlan Ellison. “Life Hutch” copyright c 1956 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1984 by Harlan Ellison. “Gnomebody” copyright c 1956 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1984 by Harlan Ellison. “Tracking Level” copyright c 1956 by Harlan Ellison, renewed copyright c 1984 by Harlan Ellison. “ Jeffty is Five” copyright c 1977 by Harlan Ellison.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical-including photocopy, recording, internet posting, electronic bulletin board-or any other information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Author or the Author’s agent, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a critical article or review to be printed in a magazine or newspaper, or electronically transmitted on radio, television or in a recognized on-line journal. For information address Author’s agent: Richard Curtiss Associates, inc., 171 East 74th Street, New York, NY 10021, USA.

All persons, places and organizations in this book-except those clearly in the public domain-are fictitious, and any resemblance that may seem to exist to actual persons, places or organizations living, dead or defunct is purely coincidental. These are works of fiction.

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Harlan Ellison website:
www.Harlanellison.com

ISBN 0-7434-2398-4

First printing October 2001

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Cover designed by Mike Rivilis and j.vita

Interior design by Westchester Book Composition

Printed in the U.S.A.

INTRODUCTION:
 
“THAT KID’S GONNA WIND
 
UP IN JAIL!”

ON THE DOWNHILL SIDE

A LOT OF SAUCERS

SOLDIER

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY

NIGHT VIGIL

THE VOICE IN THE GARDEN

DEEPER THAN THE DARKNESS

NEVER SEND TO KNOW FOR WHOM THE LETTUCE WILTS

SENSIBLE CITY

LIFE
 
HUTCH

DJINN, NO CHASER

“REPENT, HARLEQUIN!” SAID THE TICKTOCKMAN

INVASION FOOTNOTE

GNOMEBODY

TRACKING LEVEL

JEFFTY IS FIVE

FREE WITH THIS BOX!

TROUBLEMAKERS:

Stories by

HARLAN ELLISON

N
o use pretending: too many of the “young people” (whatever
that
means, 4-6 year olds, 10-13, 15-20ish?) I’m thrown Into contact with these days are, In the words of Daffy Duck, maroons...
ultra
maroons. Dumb, apathetic, surly, dumb, arrogant, semiliterate, dumb, disrespectful, oblivious to what’s going on around them, ethically barren, dishonorable, crushed by peer pressure and tv advertising into consumer conformity, crude, dumb, slaves to the lowest manifestations of cheap crap popular culture (as, for instance, WWF wrestling; boy bands; idiot Image comics featuring prepubescent fanboy representations of women with the vacuous stares of cheerleaders, all legs and bare butts, with breasts like casaba melons grafted to their chests at neck level; horse-trank home-made mosh-pit Xtasy kitty-flippin’ dope; and Old Navy rags that make everyone look like a bag lady or wetbrain bindlestiff with a sagging pants-Ioad), inclined to respond to even minor inconveniences with anger or violence because they’ve been brainwashed into believing everything they want, they ought to have, and everything ought to be given to them free, and oh yeah... did I mention they’re dumb? Did I mention, also, that they’re ignorant as a sack of doorknobs? Which ain’t
exactly
the same as dumb.

   
And isn’t that
exactly
what you needed today, on a day that has already been as friendly as a paper cut? Smartmouth from some total stranger ‘way older than you, some guy you never heard of before, comes on fronting you with his “young people suck” riff, tripping on you before you even know what you did wrong to get this geezer so on a mission. Very nice, very cool. Yeah, you say: I gotcher cool right here.

   
So okay, I’m not talking about
all
teenaged kids. Just the ones
you
have to deal with every day. The pinheads, the bullies, the mean little rats who laugh at you behind your back or right to your face because you’re too fat or too scrawny or too tailor too short or you can’t control the farts or you bump into things all the time or you got a helluva acne plague this week or your mommy dressed you weird or you speak with an accent, or you’re good at sports but the other creeps think you’re just a big dumb ox, or you really like to read and you get decent grades but the jocks and sosch skanks think you’re the Prince of the Kingdom of Geek.