True (19 page)

Week 25 of divorce.

I love trash day. Sigh.

Week 29 of divorce.

“How are you holding up, honey?”
DeeDee asks from across the kitchen counter. We now have a Friday night ritual of gathering at my house for a glass of wine. At first it was for moral support after I sent the girls off to Alex for the week. Then she began coming over the following weekend with the boys to celebrate their return. I love my best friend.

“I guess I’m doing ok.”

“I'm really sorry that you felt you couldn't talk to me about what was going on between you and Alex and what's his face.” We took an unspoken vow never to speak the
J
name again.

“I really wish I would have. Things would have probably turned out differently. I think I was ashamed of what was going on.”

“I think you maybe didn't want to give up the game and before you knew it, things went way too far.” I shrug at her assessment. She could be right, but I am so done analyzing the situation. What's done is done. I can't change what's happened and can only try to find my way through the shit storm I created.

Dee and I continue to sip our wine in silence before she asks.

“Have you and Alex...you know…” She scrunches her face and makes a gesture by inserting one finger from one hand into the circle she’s made with her thumb and index finger from her other hand. The international fucking sign, I guess.

“No.” I answer with a sigh, not even trying to hide my disappointment. I told her all about that night, and she was just as shocked as I was at his reaction.

“I still can’t believe that happened. How random. Especially with the way he’s iced you out the past few months.” I gave another shrug.

“Maybe he’d reached his limits for days without sex. I mean it had been three months probably by that point.” I remember a time when he could never go more than a week without attacking me. Even if he was mad with me. Angry sex was always a favorite of ours.

“Do you honestly believe that he isn’t sleeping with other people?” Dee snorts.

This was the first time the possibility ever entered my mind. The thought of Alex having sex with another woman twisted my stomach into knots. I didn’t want to even think about it. I couldn’t allow my mind to go there, but I knew it would eventually happen. I was completely unaware of the tears rolling down my cheeks until Dee rounded the corner and pulled me into a hug.

“Shit, Court. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Divorce sucks.” I sob into her shoulder. “I don’t know what to do to fix this. Tell me what to do, Dee. I want him back so badly.”

“Shh.” She rubs my back, letting me have this moment because there wasn’t much to say. Alex has made it clear that he doesn’t want to give me another chance. I fucked up, and now I’m suffering the consequences.

“More wine?”

“Yes.”

Week 35 of divorce.

It's the first day of school. Olivia is now in first grade and Jordyn is going to pre-kindergarten. Both girls were so excited they could barely sit still in the car.

“Mama, my teacher’s name is Miss Brown, right?”

“Yep.”

Jordyn has been going over every detail she can remember about going to school for the past week. She's so worried she'll forget something important. I try to calm her as much as possible by reassuring her that she'll be fine, and the teachers are there to help her so she doesn't need to get so worked up.

“And Livia’s teacher is Miss
Renerm.”

“Mrs. Reynard.”

“I eat my lunch in the caf-er-ria.”

“Cafeteria. Yes, you will eat lunch with your class.”

“'K.”

Silence.

“Mama?”

“Yes, baby.”

“I'm super happy.”

“I know, baby.”

I focused on choking back the tears as I pulled up to the school and parallel parked the car along the curb.

“Yay! Daddy is here!” Liv cheered as she hopped out of the back seat and ran full sprint to Alex. He reached out for her as she jumped into his arms, and he lifted her onto his hip just in time for Jordyn to reach him for the same treatment. He hefted up our baby girl and settled her chunky thighs on his other side. I stood back for a minute and stared at them. I loved seeing their identical dimpled smiles beaming at each other.

His eyes finally meet mine as he places their feet back on to the ground. I take a good look at him for the first time in months. He looks good. He is dressed in jeans and one of his favorite sports team t-shirts. His dark brown hair is a little longer, and his waist is trimmer, and his shoulders seem a little broader. It is so unfair how he manages to look better and better with age.

I hand each girl their backpacks while grabbing their hands.

“You ready?” He asked me, with a knowing look. First day of school was always hard for me and now that Jordyn was also going to school it was going to be a tough day.

I smile up at him but shake my head and grab Jordyn’s hand. He gave me a slow nod and a wink. Then all four of us walked into the school hands joined. No matter what, Alex and I would always have something precious between us and that nothing in this world could replace. Our daughters,

Olivia and Jordyn.

Chapter Twenty-One

Past- 8 years ago
.

“Babe.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to play that stupid thing all day?”

“Baby, I’m playing the season. I can’t stop now.”

“Oh.” I answered even though I really didn’t understand with that meant. Instead, I pouted a little and went back to reading my magazine. Alex and I were having a lazy Sunday. We slept in, ate our breakfast at lunch time and are now sharing the loveseat in the living room. My legs were rested across his lap while I read the latest Cosmo, and he was playing some type of football video game.

Sundays were also our naked days, meaning that we would spend the whole day inside our tiny apartment completely naked. We accepted no phone calls and did not allow anyone to come over. Dee found that out pretty quickly when Alex refused to let her inside and refused to let me at least get dressed to go out in the hall to tell her about our Sunday rule. Instead, I awkwardly spoke to my best friend on the phone as we stood on opposite sides of the front door.

“You two are freaks!” I heard Dee say, not through the phone but after she hung up and walked down the stairs to leave. Following the incident, word traveled fast and no one dared to bother us on our lazy, naked Sundays.

I’d been feeling a bit restless, and I wasn’t sure how to approach Alex with the situation that had been on my mind for days. We had been married for a year, and it was finally time to have the talk.

I thumbed through the magazine, not really reading but more so going through the motions.

“Baby, are you okay?” Alex asked, never looking my way as his fingers mashed at the buttons on the game controller.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you keep sighing loudly every three seconds. That usually means either you’re mad at me, or there is something on your mind.” He shot an assessing glance my way before continuing with a grin, “I don’t think you’re mad at me, not after everything I did to your sexy body this morning. So, what’s going on in that beautiful head?” I let out another long sigh as I tried to find the right way to bring this up without freaking him out.

“Do you think we’ve outgrown this apartment? I mean, we’ve lived here for almost two years. It was fine at first, but I’m not so sure anymore…” my voice trails off. I wasn’t sure yet if it was going to be big enough for us. Alex simply shrugged noncommittally.

“I think its fine.”

“Right, its fine now but what if it’s suddenly not fine anymore.” Alex gave me a confused stare.

“Um...ok. When it’s not fine anymore, we move.”

“But can we afford to move? Right now what we pay is perfect. We can pay our bills and still have money to do almost anything we want. I don’t want to move if it’s going to be a financial strain.”

“Fine. So we stay here.”

“But I think we should move. Maybe.”

“Babe, you’re killing me.” He set aside the video game controller and focused his full attention on me. “Look, I don’t want you ever to worry about me taking care of you. I will do whatever it takes to make sure we’re okay. You know that right?” I nod.

“Good.” He continued. “I didn’t want to say anything because it wasn’t a definite but I was offered the branch manager position.
Smitty is retiring, and he’s been after me to take his place.” He seemed sheepish about this admission.

“Really! Babe, that’s great! How come you never told me about it?” He shrugged again.

“Don’t know. I guess I never considered myself good enough for something like that. I’m not sure if Smitty is choosing me because he thinks I’ll be good at it or because he just likes me.”

“Maybe it’s both, and I think you would be a great manager. Alex, you’ve worked at that company since you were sixteen. You transferred from the branch in Virginia to this one when you started school. You have the best record for deliveries. You never call out of work and are the first one to pick up extra orders when asked. I think you deserve it.” I could tell that my words affected him because the sides of his mouth lifted from the self-doubting frown to a slight smile.

“Really?”

“Yes, I know it.” He nodded his head, clearly making a decision.

“Ok, I’ll say something to Smitty tomorrow.” I squealed in delight as I raised myself up onto his lap, drawing him into a hug.

“Is that what was bothering you? Money?” Alex asked with his voice muffled against my shoulder.

“Well, ah...sort of.” I heard him huff out an impatient breath.

“Out with it, Court.” I chewed on my lip for a minute before deciding to get it over with.

“I think I’m pregnant.” There, it’s out. Alex went very still in my arms.

“Think?” He pulled away to meet my gaze. His expression was unreadable.

“Well, my period is late but only by a couple of days. And you know me; sometimes I mess up with taking the pill. I do my best to get back on track but…” I shrugged as my voice trailed off.

“Have you taken a test?” I shook my head at his question. I wasn’t sure why I haven’t taken a test yet. Even though I told him a couple of days, it’s really been more like a week. Part of me wanted to find out for sure, but the other side didn’t want to know the answer. If I was honest with myself, I wanted to be pregnant, and I knew I would be disappointed if I wasn’t. I refused to hope and started to believe that my period would start any day now and that I had my cycle dates wrong. The thought of Alex’s baby growing inside of me was too perfect, and I would be crushed if it weren’t true.

Without saying anything, Alex gently lifted me off of his lap as he stood up. I watched silently as he walked into the bedroom.

Oh God, is he upset?

I wasn’t prepared for this kind of reaction. We had discussed having kids and agreed that we would have them, but we never talked about when. Does this mean he’s not ready? Before I could recover from being crushed by his actions, Alex returned from the room dress in jeans and a t-shirt. He slipped on his sneakers by the door and called over his shoulder.

“I’ll be back.”

Tears were welling in my eyes. Is he this upset over the idea of having a child with me? I know that he likes children. He’s so good with Cole and DeeDee’s little boy Colton. There isn’t any doubt in my mind that he would be an amazing father. Oh God, what if I am pregnant? Will he be able to accept it? I knew at that moment that no matter what I would take care of my baby, I just really hoped he would be there, too.

I sat there for a while trying to decide what to do. I was about to pick up the phone and call Dee when I heard Alex come through the front door. I noticed that he had a shopping bag in his hand from the drugstore a block over. He handed me the bag, and I looked inside to see there were several pregnancy tests in there.

“I wasn’t sure what kind to get so I grabbed three of the most expensive ones hoping they will be good.” I stared up at him speechless. He looked a little embarrassed, but he still gave no indication of how he felt about the possibility of us having a baby. I decided to address one question at a time. First, find out if I was pregnant. After that I’ll deal with his reactions to the news.

I padded my way into the bathroom and opened up all three boxes. After reading the instructions, which were pretty self-explanatory, I peed on all three sticks. After placing them onto the counter, I washed my hands as the nervous energy coursed through me. How long did it take? I’d never taken a pregnancy test before. Will the results be obvious? I was shocked to find out as I was reaching for a towel to dry my hands that the results were very obvious.

Test #1 results: PREGNANT

Test #2 results: +

Test #2 results: =

Oh! Oh. My. God! I’m pregnant! Pregnant! I felt a million emotions well inside of me and joy so strong that I burst into tears as a sob escaped my mouth. Just then Alex rushed into the bathroom was a look of panic on his face as his eyes searched around me for the test. I held my breath as he stepped forward to look at the results.