True Control 4.2 (9 page)

Chapter 26 HER

“Are you sure you don’t want us to stay longer, sweetie…we’d be happy to stay here. Or you could come home with us!” Mom is still hugging me. I look at Dad behind her and roll my eyes.

“Come on, Lizzie. We’re going to miss our flight.” PJ hugs me one more time; Dad leans over and kisses my forehead. Mom finally lets go of her squeeze on my arm.

I quietly close the door. I take a deep breath before turning around though.

I haven’t been alone in over five weeks. I thought I’d go crazy with having my folks here that whole time. PJ and Cathy and the kids were here a lot too. But I’ve been alone in bed at night.

I cried when Mom ripped the sheets off the bed and washed them. I wouldn’t let her touch Max’s shirts though. I’ve kept them near me.

I’ve managed to get out of bed a little each day, a little more each day. But I’ve walked through our home like a crazy person at night, pacing, thinking, unable to sleep. I’ve expected Max to come find me and bring me back to bed most nights. I’ve almost convinced myself that he will some nights.

Turning now and looking around, I feel that same craziness take hold. I panic. Calm down. Just breathe. I still hear Max’s words, but it’s my voice now.

I’ve only left the apartment a few times and that was only this past week. I had to in order to convince Mom and Dad to leave finally. I couldn’t take more of Mom’s constant babying. Ok. I’ve acted like a big baby, crying and not doing anything for myself. But I needed to get them out of here.

Now I think I made a mistake. I don’t want to be alone here. It’s too lonely being alone when Max should be here.

I’d promised Mom that I would go for a walk today. It’s starting to warm up outside again. But this thought only makes me realize that it hasn’t even been a year since I met Max. And that thought is too much right now.

I pace, grabbing his shirt and wrapping it like a scarf around my neck, holding a sleeve under my nose. This counts as walking.

Chapter 27 HER

“Get up.” I open my eyes and have to blink sleep away after gasping. I thought it was Max standing over me for one too brief of a second.

“I really need to change our locks.” But I sit up with my legs over the edge of the bed.

“You really need to get a shower and get ready.” Jake throws my robe at me.

“What are you doing here, Jake?”

“I’m here to take you to the doctor appointment you missed.” I glance at the alarm clock. Shit. I did miss it.

“I’ll call and make a new one…go away.” I start to lay back down.

He grabs my arm and yanks me up. “Jesus. Look at you! You’re skin and bones, girl.” I look down at myself. The waistband of my sweat shorts is tight, but everything else just hangs on me. I’ve tried to eat, but I haven’t been able to get more than a few bites down each time. I’ve mostly slept since my folks left. I have to think…that was a week ago?

Jake stares at me a little longer, a deep frown on his face. I try to squirm out of his grip, but he only squeezes harder.

He pulls me towards the bathroom and shoves me through the door. “Take a quick shower. We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”

His take charge attitude pisses me off. He’s not Max. I don’t have to take orders from him!

“No. I’m not going anywhere with you. Just get out of my house!”

“I’m warning you, Lucy. Close the door and take a shower. Now!” His face is as angry and dark as Max’s would be. I almost cry, but being angry is feeling too good. It’s a break from despair.

“Warning me?!” I laugh loudly in his face. I haven’t even seen him in weeks. “Who the hell do you think you are?!”

He speaks slowly, through gritted teeth. “If you don’t start getting ready, girl, you’re going to get the spanking you deserve.”

I freeze. For one blink, I freeze. Then I’m lost in a flare of temper I’ve never felt before. A surge of all the grief, pain, anger I’ve felt since losing Max.

“Fuck you, Jake!” I scream this in his face as loud as I can.

And he reaches with his long, strong arms, grabbing me and yanking me back out of the room. I try to get away, scratching and pulling at his hand, kicking at him as he pulls me. He pushes me onto the bed, on my stomach and holds me down. Swatting my butt with his hand, hard. Both cheeks getting equal abuse. I’m screaming at him to get off me, to stop. Soon I’m screaming in pain too.

He doesn’t stop. He just keeps hitting my sore butt, blistering me more with his hand, until I’m only crying in pain.

He finally stops, but still holds me down, a little breathless, “You ready to behave, Lucy?”

I only cry into my bed, refusing to answer him. He smacks my lower cheeks several more times, causing me to cry out, “Yes! Yes.”

He doesn’t move though, only breathes a little deeper, “If I let you up, you are going to go straight to the bathroom, clean yourself up and meet me at the door in fifteen minutes?”

I sniffle a little more, but quickly answer when I feel his hand lift off my butt again, “Yes!”

He moves his hands away, “Good girl. Hurry up.”

And he leaves the room.

Chapter 28 HER

And I do hurry. I don’t stop to think, I just get ready quickly. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror. I don’t look at my butt. I just run around and fly out the door down the hall.

I don’t look at Jake as he opens the door for me. I don’t look at him on the elevator ride down. I don’t look at him as he opens his car door for me. Or even when he gets in and drives away.

I look at my hands instead. I look at my rings.

Max would be very disappointed in me. That I missed the appointment. I meant to get up. I was even excited for today’s visit. First ultrasound. But facing this alone was too much. I laid down and tried to calm myself, rubbing my belly and telling baby that we’d be okay. I don’t believe this, but I hope the little bugger does. I must’ve fallen asleep.

Mom went with me to the first prenatal visit. Dr. Patel was very kind, all of her staff were, offering condolences. I didn’t have to go through that alone at least. Kindness is the worst. I have to smile and act sweet, when I really just want to cry and rage against the unfairness of life.

But today, I was going to be alone. I should’ve called Alex or Cathy or Laura, but I felt pathetic. My house was a mess. I haven’t had the energy to do anything. I’ve hardly left the apartment since Mom and Dad left.

I blink in the sunlight, staring out the window at the streets passing quickly. “I don’t think I can just walk in for an appointment that I’m two hours late for…” I say in a small voice.

Jake’s voice is still gruff, but a little nicer, “I made a new one for you this afternoon.”

I swallow, “So…how did you know I missed it?”

He grins at me, a rather wicked version of his usual boyishness, “I’m keeping tabs on you. I got a call saying you needed to reschedule.”

“Oh.” I feel only a small twinge of anger at the invasion of privacy. “I didn’t think doctors were allowed to give out patient information.”

He only grins again. I know that Dr. Patel is somehow a family friend. She never even blinked an eye when I’d show up with belt marks on my butt for appointments. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she’d share information with Jake.

I turn my head again and stare out the window. I’m not angry; somehow, I feel a little better. I shift in my seat. My butt doesn’t. But I’ve had worse.

Chapter 29 HER

The goo is cold no matter what they said about warming it up. I strain to see the wand move across my little bump. I’m ashamed of the bones sticking out at my hips. Dr. Patel already lectured me on eating more.

Waiting for her to come back into the room for the ultrasound, I stared at the ceiling. My butt still tingled a little against the paper. I was shocked. Jake spanking me…never would’ve seen that in my future. But then…I can’t see my future anymore. I knew that Jake only did what he thought Max would’ve done. He’s tried to be supportive and protective. For Max.

Staring at the ceiling, I made a promise to myself, to Max, to our baby. That I was through with wallowing in self-pity. That I would take better care of myself for the sake our baby. That even though I only want to crawl in a dark hole and forget about life, I know that’s not an option.

I have to keep our baby safe and healthy. I’ve done a bad job so far, but I promised to do better. For Max.

“Here we go…Lucy, meet your baby.” Dr. Patel turns the screen more towards me, pressing down more with the wand. It takes me a minute, and her pointing, to make out the little bugger’s shape. So tiny, so innocent. I cry and shake. But for the first in time in weeks, with only a small amount of pain.

“Can you…can you get Jake for me…to see?” Her assistant nods and leaves the room quickly.

When the door opens, Jake comes in quietly, looking a little awkwardly towards me on the bed. I’m covered except for my stomach, but he doesn’t look at me.

Dr. Patel points at the screen, “Your niece or nephew wanted to say hi.”

He leans into the screen, even putting his fingers over the tiny figure. “Hey there, little guy! It’s good to see you!” He has tears in his eyes when he turns to smile at me. And then he winks.

I let out a laugh and a cry at the same time. I hiccup and the screen goes crazy moving around. Dr. Patel gets up and wipes my stomach off for me. She’s already printing copies for me to share with my family.

Chapter 30 HIM

“I’m glad to see you have an appetite.” I risk a finger reaching for a fry off her plate. She’s already wolfed down her burger and she’s on her second vanilla shake.

She only smiles, rubbing ketchup off her lips with the back of her hand. We haven’t really said much since leaving the doctor’s office. I didn’t ask if she wanted to eat; I just opened the door to the diner around the corner. I didn’t ask what she wanted; I just ordered for us.

So I was surprised when she spoke up and got the waitress’ attention to order a shake too.

She looks like shit. Eyes hollowed with dark circles, pale. Way too thin. Dr. Patel said she wants to see her in one week and stressed in front of me that she needs to see some weight gain. I smile again. Looks like that won’t be a problem if I can get Lucy to keep eating like she is right now.

She scrunches her nose at me in response to my smile. It’s a good look for her. Almost puts color into her cheeks again.

I was shocked when I opened the door to the apartment earlier. It was a mess. Dishes everywhere, mostly uneaten food left on some of them. The TV left on, but quiet. Furniture turned over. The bedroom looked like a bomb had gone off. Clothes and crap everywhere. And Lucy looking so lost, so fragile, broken.

I talked to Mom yesterday. She said she spoke to Lucy briefly the day before, but she didn’t know really how she was doing. She wanted me to check on her today anyway. When I got the call from Dr. Patel’s assistant, I was pissed. I didn’t think, I just went to see Lucy, cancelling all my afternoon meetings and giving my appointments to my staff.

At the funeral, I’d told Lucy that I was going to keep an eye on her. That I’d made a promise to Max that I would watch over her. Well…to his ghost I guess, but I still intend to keep my promise to my brother. I won’t let anything happen to his wife or baby. Not if I can help it.

Seeing the state Lucy was in, the state their place was in…spanking her was the least I was thinking about doing.

I haven’t spanked anyone in a long time. The first girl was high school. Autumn. It was more fun and games then, nothing serious. She was my first everything. I loved watching her ass get red. I loved hearing her fake beg for me. I knew I wasn’t really hurting her, that I wasn’t really making her beg me to stop. I didn’t care, it was good enough. I was getting laid.

When I got drunk one night and tried to spank her for real, she broke up with me. I didn’t try it again with any other girlfriends until later in college. Similar results, plenty of play, but nothing serious. I never went far enough, never tested any commitments.

Instead, I tried for the more normal relationships. Like Julia. Now
that
one was a mistake. That was a girl who didn’t want to be a man’s equal. She wanted to rule.

I guess if I’m honest with myself, I’ve chosen to be with strong women. Women who don’t
need
me. Women who would slap a lawsuit on any guy who tried to spank them.

Women who would never be what I really want.

Not women like Lucy. I swallow. No use going down that road. Not now. Not ever.

But my hand still tingles thinking about her ass. I didn’t get to see her cheeks turn red, didn’t get to see my handprint on her…but I have a pretty good imagination.

I can’t help smiling as I watch her chug her shake, then grab her forehead. “Brain freeze?”

She only nods, pressing both hands to her head. Her eyes are bright blue when they open again.

Chapter 30 HER

I stop at my door. “I…I know you already saw…how bad it looks…but I’d rather…rather you not come in again…ok?”

He nods, his deep frown in place again, “As long as you promise to clean up before I’m back tomorrow.”

I nod and even give a small smile. I take the bag of groceries from him and open the door just a little to get in.

I’m keeping my promise, Max. I walk down the hall, taking in how messy everything really is. Wow…you really let yourself go, baby. I smile thinking that wouldn’t quite be the words Max would have for me if he ever came home to find our place like it is now.

And the fact that I can smile instead of cry makes me almost cry anyway. No. No more tears today. Ok…not until I’m in bed again later at least. Deal? Deal.

I put the groceries away. I sigh before tackling anything more though. Maybe I need some motivation.

I pick up the phone. Luckily Laura picks up on the second ring, I was just about to lose my nerve and hang up. “Hey. Wanna come over later?”

“Hey yourself! I’d love to! I should get out of here around 5:30ish today. Want me to pick up something on my way?”

“No…I’ll make us something…see you then!” I hang up looking around again. Damn, that only gives me two hours. Yep, that’s motivating.

….

“Lucy…you’ve been holding out on me!” Laura is laughing, wiping her plate clean with the last chunk of bread. “This was amazing…I wanted to stop, but I just couldn’t…you’ve added thirty minutes to my workout tomorrow with this shit!”

I laugh, “Thank you.” On my list for tomorrow is heading to the gym. I’m going to start jogging again. I’ll go slow, but I want to get back to the point that I could follow in Max’s footsteps…it seems important somehow to continue some of the things he wanted me to do.

Like the list. I’m not going to write one down, but I am making a mental list of chores for myself. I smile taking Laura’s plate and mine to the kitchen. She follows with everything else from the table.

I managed to get the majority of the house clean. At least the areas she’d see. I’ll work on the rest tomorrow.

And I frown just as I start to smile again. I was thinking about Jake saying he was coming here tomorrow. Thinking about him spanking me earlier today. Be honest. I was thinking about him spanking me
tomorrow
if I didn’t have the place clean. And…how tempting it is to leave it a little dirty…I shake this thought off.

I look at my fridge. Baby Traeger’s first photo on display. I touch it as I open the door. Laura gushed over it for the first half hour she was here, then I put it back on the fridge. Another one is propped up next to my bed, in front of Max’s urn. I catch my breath thinking this, but shake my head to stop the tears.

“So…dessert?”

“Are you kidding me, stop demon woman!” But she’s already pulling out two plates and forks. I pull the brownies out of the oven where I kept them warm.

We each take one then laugh at each other, reaching for another one. I lead us into the living room. Max never liked to eat on the sofa. It was a rule. I hesitate at the table, looking from it to the sofa and back again.

I slowly walk over to the coffee table and put my plate down. Laura doesn’t notice or at least doesn’t say anything about my uncertainty. She plops down next to me and digs in with her fork. I don’t touch my plate, suddenly a little nauseous.

“You ok?” Her concerned look makes me smile.

“Yeah…just baby doesn’t think there’s more room right now.” I pat my stomach. 

“So your due dates in January?” I nod, taking another sip of water to fight back the rest of my uneasy stomach. “That means you have all summer to be at the beach, sportin a big belly and two piece…” She nudges my leg with her foot.

“
You
are a brat! I will look fabulous in a full muumuu thankyouverymuch.” Thinking about summer doesn’t make me happy though. I’d looked forward to celebrating our first date, our first kiss, our first everything.

Now I have another first…first summer without Max.

“I’m sorry…I seem to keep saying all the wrong things.” Laura puts her plate down and holds my hand again.

I shake my head and wipe my eyes, not letting the tears fall. “No. I’m ok. I just have to keep getting out of my own head, ya know.” She smiles and nods. “Thanks for coming over tonight…I really needed the company.”

“I was hoping you’d return my calls sooner…I know your folks left last week…what have you been up to?”

I laugh. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” I pick up my plate, but I still can’t get myself to eat. Not on the sofa anyway. This actually makes me smile again. I’m still Max’s good girl. I put the plate back down. Laura just watches and leaves her plate on the table too.

“So…what
are
you going to do?”

“Well…to be honest…I haven’t even thought about it.” I look a little embarrassed at her. “I don’t really
need
to work.”

Ron took care of everything. He came by a few weeks ago with all sorts of paperwork for me to sign. Life insurance, annuities, funds, accounts, properties, investments…it was more than I ever knew existed.

My head was spinning and my wrist was hurting, still healing from the accident. He didn’t give me a final number, just said that when I was ready to go over everything in more detail, he’d have the firm’s accountant meet with me. I only really remember hearing that the apartment was paid off. And that he’d keep a small sum in a checking account for me to use as day to day until I was ready to do anything else. All bills are paid automatically through a different account.

It wasn’t much of a relief at the time. I remember my Dad looking impressed. Mom looking stunned.

But I can see that not having to worry about anything financial has been a huge burden lifted from my already overburdened shoulders. Seeing the look on Laura’s face, I feel embarrassed by the wealth Max left me. But I’d trade everything just to have him back…even for only a moment.

She sees the shift in my look and quickly interrupts my thoughts. “Well…that’s good news then. But ya can’t sit around here, cooking like this and getting fat!” She nudges me again with a big smile. “Except of course, you will get large with child.” She puts her hands straight out and blows up her cheeks.

“I thought I told you never to use that phrase again!” I throw a pillow at her face, laughing.

I’m looking forward to feeling our baby move, to seeing our child’s face on another ultrasound, to watching fingers and toes grow…for having our baby. Scared beyond belief, but looking forward to it. It means Max will always be with me, through our baby.

“What about coming back to work for Cruela? She’d love to have you!”

“Oh, God. No. No, thank you!” I did actually think about it while I was cleaning earlier. The need to stay busy, at least until the baby is here. “Besides, I don’t think I’ll work once I have the baby…so I need to find somewhere to work that doesn’t mind a short short-term employee.”

“Well, since you don’t need the money…what about charity work?”

“I was thinking the same thing…maybe something with the symphony…Max loved the symphony.” This thought does tug at my brow, but I smile and shake off the frown.

“Ooh…we could get all dressed up together and go to the opening night! Maybe I’d find a prince charmin type in a tux…yep, that’s where you need to volunteer.”

“For you, dahrling, anything.”

I change the subject. She seems to understand that I need more distractions. I don’t want to talk about me or anything to do with me right now. She fills me in on office gossip and happenings. Rich and Tracy are apparently very much in love now. Or he is anyway.

“So…you still haven’t returned Tracy’s calls?”

I shake my head, it’s one of the things I’ve debated. “I…I know this may sound dumb…but Max wouldn’t like it if I did…and…and I need to feel like I’m still…” I shrug.

She takes my hand again. “I get it. I do.” She smiles until I smile back. “Besides, it’s been so long…I know Tracy can be a big pain in the ass…she understands though. She was never a fan of Max’s…now, well…she gets why you wouldn’t want to be around her just yet.” This does make me smile. Maybe I’ll pick up our friendship again, but I don’t think so. I realized after all that happened that Tracy wasn’t the type of friend I need in my life.

I need more friends like Laura. Faithful and devoted. Friends that are willing to look you in the eye and ask the hard questions, but have faith in your answers too. Have faith that you can figure things out for yourself, without judgment.

The rest of our night is spent with stories of bad dates. One after the other. Poor Laura has been out with every version of loser it seems. I laugh, but in the back of my mind, I think how scared I am. I’m nowhere near thinking about dating…but if I ever was…I know no one will ever compare to Max.