True Control 4.2 (6 page)

Chapter 14 HIM

“…but I need to talk…to say something…?”

I can feel her shaking against me. My little Lucy. She knows she’s in a lot of trouble. She’s never made me this angry before. Not even that night when she let Rich touch her. She’s been on her best behavior ever since…I don’t understand why she blew it. Why she misbehaved so badly.

“Go on.”

She moves her head up to look at me more. I kiss her nose. I’ve always loved her nose, so straight and little. I’ll keep my promise…I’ll never break her, never cause her any real damage. But I smile thinking of the black eye I’m going to give her tonight. I won’t use my fist. Her nose will be safe.

She swallows and takes a deep breath. “I am sorry for everything.” I nod. Of course she is. She’s sorry she’s in so much trouble. “It was stupid and foolish…and I shouldn’t have done any of it…” I nod again, but I’m curious where she’s going with this. Does she really think that apologizing now while I’ve promised not to punish her will help to ease my anger? She should know better by now.

“I know you know…” She stops, I can feel her body heat up again, her heartbeats flittering thumps against my side. She continues in a tiny voice, “…about Jake coming here…” I keep myself relaxed, not responding to the mental image and shouting in my own head at her words.

“And I’m sorry for keeping that a secret too.” I nod, continuing to stroke her hair and back. “I needed someone to talk to…after…after what you did…that night…”

“What I did?” I keep my voice steady, but I can feel my own body getting warmer now.

“…Yes…when you hurt me so badly…when I couldn’t move without pain for a week…” Her voice rises slightly, an unpleasant note of defiance in it.

“Careful, little girl...”

I feel her squirm, swallowing and moving her head back down. When she starts again, her voice is small and soft once more, “I was in a lot of pain…and I was scared, Max.”

“Didn’t I tell you what would happen if you let another man touch you again?”

“…Yes, but…” She’s shaking again, I can feel her tears on my chest, her fingers fidgeting against my stomach. I wait for her to continue, wanting to see how far she’s willing to push this. “But…I never thought you’d be able to hurt me like that…that you’d even
want
to hurt me that badly…”

I lift her chin up to look at me again, but I’m gentle. I even keep my voice soft, my look tender. “I’m going to hurt you worse than that later today, little girl.”

She’s shocked. I like seeing her looks as they change so quickly. Shock. Fear. Guilt. Despair. And one I haven’t seen in a long time. Anger.

It doesn’t matter. She’ll be feeling only fear and guilt soon enough. And pain.

Chapter 14 HER

“I can’t…I can’t believe you’re saying…” I try to breathe. I must be in a nightmare…today must’ve been a nightmare and I’ll wake up soon, right?! He can’t be looking at me so sweetly and saying…this!

“I think I’ve been too lenient with you, Lucy. It’s my own fault really. I’ve given you too much time to think…I’ve not demanded enough of you, to keep you busier.” He smiles at me. I feel his hand move from my hip around to gently press against my lower stomach. “That’ll change soon if you’re pregnant.” He shrugs. “And I’ll keep a closer eye on you. I won’t let you get yourself into so much trouble again, little girl.”

I push against him quickly, shoving myself away before he can react. I’m standing, naked. Furious. Shaking with anger at his words.

“Do you hear yourself? Max…I’m practically a prisoner here
now
. I threw my phone away because I know you trace my every move, my every call. I needed a minute to myself. To breathe! To think!”

His look doesn’t change much. He remains sweet with a hint of anger, but his words carry even more edge. The warning edge. “You want time to think? How bout thinking about what you’ve done wrong…yesterday and now. How bout thinking about how you’ve disappointed me?”

I take a breath, but stay standing away from him. I try to think. How can I get him to see that I need him to talk to me seriously?! “I…I know I disappointed you, Max…and I am sorry…I already said I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.” I take another deep breath, trying to see if any of this is getting through to him. I can’t tell. “But…but I’ve been struggling for so long with…with everything…I need to talk to you…I need you to
listen
to me…please?!” My tears run down my cheeks freely, I brush them away angrily.

“What is it you think I
need
to hear? What is it you think you
need
to say, Lucy?”

“I…I’m afraid.”

“You said that already.” He’s calm, matter-of-fact almost. “You
should
be afraid.”

“Max…” I’m running out of words. My shock, fear, anger…zapping any thoughts. I swallow and start over, trying for a stronger voice again.

Chapter 15 HIM

“I’m afraid that you don’t really love me…that you only love how you can order me around…and…and hurt me.” She swallows again. I let her have this time to speak. No harm in letting her talk as long as she’s calm about it. “I’m afraid…if we have a child…how you’ll want to raise…our child…” She stops. Her mouth opening and closing, but she only tries to breathe, her hands against her stomach.

I speak calmly, slowly, in the voice I use when I want to be very clear with her, a child needing a reminder lesson. “Lucy. I love you very much. Everything about you. I’ve loved you since the beginning.” I put my hand out and pat the bed again. She doesn’t move at first, but she responds when I lower my brows a little more. She sits on the edge of the bed, but still away from me.

“I do love ordering you around as you put. And I do love being able to hurt you.” I can see she tenses up again, almost standing, but she stops herself. I keep my voice very calm, very slow still. “And I will raise our children to be respectful of me and of you. Our children will know that I’m in charge and they will fear being punished if they misbehave.” She starts to shake her head, but I continue. “But understand…that my harshest, strictest lessons…and discipline…I reserve for
you
.”

I give her a moment to think about this. “I expect full obedience and submission from you, Lucy. No questions. No arguments. No negotiations. You know this, little girl. You mess up. I will punish you. And from now on…I will be harder on you.”

I can see her eyes fill with tears. So pretty. Her hair down her front, her hands in her lap. I reach and pull her towards me, not giving her a chance to stand up again. She doesn’t resist. I pull her into my chest, a tight ball with her knees up and pressed against me. I pull the covers over us and hold her.

Chapter 15 HER

I try to be still in his arms. I’m too chilled by his words. So calm. So clear.

“What if…what if that’s not what I want…what I need…?” I say this as almost a whisper, too afraid to say it…to afraid to keep it in.

He doesn’t say anything for a long time, just keeps stroking his hand from the top of my head, down my back, across my raised legs and back again. I almost think he didn’t hear me until his voice answers in a whisper too, “You gave up having a choice when you became my wife, Lucy. What you want…what you need…
I
decide. You’ll take whatever I do to you.”

Even in a whisper, I know his final tone when I hear it. There’s no point in talking more.

Jake was right. He’ll never change. I swallow and still only speak in a cracked whisper, “What…what are you going to do to me, Max?”

And he waits to answer me again. His voice slides across the words, like he’s enjoying hearing the fear in my voice, feeling the shiver in my body. “Do you really want to know, little girl?”

“I…I might be pregnant…” It’s all I can think to say…hopeful that he’ll snap out of this deeper darkness still. Foolish hope. And coward. Too afraid to hear what he has planned for me.

“Yes. I think we should get you a new appointment later today.” He moves us both down the bed. “Enough talking. Get some sleep now, baby.” He kisses the top of my head and relaxes his arms a little.

Chapter 16 HIM

I didn’t fall back asleep after last night. I stayed awake, listening to Lucy’s breathing eventually even and deepen. Just that was enough to make me almost sleep. I’m always calmer having her next to me.

And I could use some calming right now. It’s why I got out of bed at 5:00 a.m. and went for a longer run. It’s why I’m still sitting on the terrace with a cold cup of coffee, thinking.

Yesterday seems like a nightmare. Not knowing where Lucy was. Looking for her. Talking to Killaney, Dad, Jeff. Jake…but I skip over him for now. Everything that happened up until she was home again, safe.

I’ve never felt helpless before. A feeling I hope never to feel again. That Lucy made me feel this way…I can’t forgive her. Not yet anyway. Not until I’ve punished her.

Which leads to my next frustration. Having to wait to punish her. I don’t like waiting for anything. I see the reason, the sense in waiting. But that doesn’t mean I like it. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to wait for anything. Waiting last night to hear from Lucy...I need to stop thinking about it.

Since Jake called. Since knowing what happened to her. I’ve had to hold my anger in check. I’ve had to stop my hands from wringing her neck. From punching him. I look at my hands holding the cold cup now.

I don’t know that I’ll be able to forgive Jake for his part in all this. I’ll try, but it’ll be a long time before I trust him again with Lucy.

I smile. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve already arranged for a new driver for me. Jeff will be keeping Lucy company from now on. She won’t be leaving here without me knowing where she is at all times. And no one will be allowed in here without my permission.

She said last night that this was practically her prison. Well, baby, it is now. I smile. For her own sake, I hope she takes these new rules well…she’s already in for a world of hurt for what she’s done and said.

What kept me up…what robbed my sleep wasn’t any of these thoughts, though.

It was the same thoughts I’ve had before. About Lucy.

I knew she struggled. When I’d see her resisting or trying to work around a demand, I’d be more strict and severe with her. It’s when I’d be my most cruel. I don’t really want to be cruel to her. I like hurting her, sometimes just for my pleasure…but I want to be loving and kind to her too. And most of the time, I am.

I give her all of my love. I deny her nothing. Within reason anyway. I’m not a fool though. I know what I demand isn’t for everyone. I’ve had enough girlfriends throw modern feminism and equal rights crap in my face to know that Lucy isn’t like any other girl.

She understands that she needs my guidance. My devotion to making her the best wife she can be. She gets that all of my rules, demands, punishments are meant to help her, to help us. To be happy.

So why does she still resist? Why is she still struggling? Why did she run to Jake?!

Jake. Fuck! I don’t want to think about him. Her. Them.

Holding her last night, trying to sleep, then giving up. I almost thought about not punishing her…well, punishing her only lightly anyway. I thought it might be easier on us both.

I know that allowing myself to express the amount of anger I felt yesterday…that it’s dangerous. For her and me. I didn’t picture just using a belt on her. Using the buckle. I’ve never done that. Ron never even used it on us. Maybe on Mom…I’ll have to ask him.

But before I could stop myself, I pictured hitting her too. Really hitting her. Punching her face, breaking open her cheek, her lips. I pictured choking her hard enough to leave my fingerprints on her pretty neck. I pictured breaking her beautiful nose, so she’d always have a reminder of what would happen if she ever did anything like this again. I pictured letting myself be out of control.

She lied to me. Threw her phone away to hide from me. Ran off to be with my brother. Talked back. Argued. Disobeyed almost every rule.

No wonder I’m so angry. But…but I’m worried. I don’t want to lose control of myself. I can’t. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself.

I know I’m a monster. I’ve come to terms with this. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I only care about Lucy. About her obeying and submitting to me.

If I let myself the freedom to really punish her…how I know she deserves to be punished for everything she’s done…I don’t think I can…I know I can’t. I made a promise to her too. I’ll always keep my promises to her. To myself.

But how do I punish her then? How do I hurt her only a little for all of this?!

Maybe I just need a little more time…to calm down more…maybe that will help.

I look at my watch. I better get her awake. I made an appointment for her online, we need to get going.

I smile. Another reason to wait to punish her. She may be carrying my child…I wouldn’t want anything to risk that.

Chapter 16 HER

I hear Max get up. I stay quiet in bed, waiting for the front door to close behind him. I don’t know how long I have, but I breathe a little easier being alone.

I roll over. 5:20 a.m. I hesitate for only a second. I may not have another chance today. I move over to Max’s side of the bed. To the phone.

It takes too many heartbeats for him to pick up, his voice sluggish with sleep…maybe alcohol. “Hello?”

“Jake? I’m sorry to call so early…” I whisper even though I know Max is gone.

“Lucy? Are you ok?” He sounds wide awake now.

“I…I am. For now anyway.” I try not to think about what Max said last night. “I…wanted to tell you that I made a decision. You told me to make up my mind…and I…I think I have.”

“Overnight? Just like that?”

Not what I was expecting from him. I thought he’d be supportive, not sarcastic and angry. “Yes. Just like that.” I try for strong, but I can hear how petulant I sound even to me. I go back to whispering, “I don’t have long to talk…I think he went for a run, but I don’t know how long before he’ll be back.”

“Did he hurt you last night?” His dark, deep voice. So protective, so angry. So like Max’s I want to cry hearing it.

I don’t want to tell him about what Max did. “No…I’m okay…” I swallow loudly. “I know he’ll never change...what he was saying last night…I’m scared. I mean…more scared than I’ve ever been of him, Jake! I need to get somewhere safe…to get away from him!”

I hear him breathe out heavily. It seems to take him forever to answer me. “What you’re asking of me, Lucy…I…I want to help you. Shit!” He breathes again in and out, his mouth close to his phone. “I
will
help you, girl. But you have to be honest with me. No bullshit.” I wait, not sure what he means. “If I step in…if I interfere more than I already have…and you decide to change your mind and stay…it’ll be a lot worse for you…and me. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” My whisper is a long hiss of air out.

“You really want to leave Max? To walk away from him? From everything you have with him? You really think you can do that?”

“I…I…” I start to cry, choking on words. “I don’t know what else I can do!”

“Shhh…no more tears, Lucy…shhh.” I try to sniffle in my tears, try to stop my body from shuddering more on the bed. My knees up, arm around them. I look up at the ceiling. Oh God. To never be in this room again?! To never feel Max’s arms around me again?! I can’t...

“I don’t know, Jake. I love him…but I can’t take all of his anger…it’s too much…if you’d seen him…heard him last night…” I’m lost in tears again. I drop my head onto my knees and hold the phone like it’s Jake’s hand. Like it could actually help me right now.

“Lucy!” His sharp, hard near-shout stops my tears instantly. I hiccup from gulping in a sob. “You need to get yourself calm. Now, girl. He’s going to be back any minute and he can’t find you on the phone with me like this.” I know he’s right. That wouldn’t be good. I sniffle a little more. “Good.”

He takes a quick deep breath in and I follow his example. “He’s not going to do anything this morning. He made a promise to me and to Dad that he’d calm down. He’d wait to see if you’re pregnant.” Something in how he said it, like it hurt him to say the words. It hurts me to think them. “So you have a little time. We have a little time to think about what can be done.”

“He’s going to make me an appointment today with the doctor.” I need to know. I know that. But I’m afraid of knowing, of Max knowing really. “What if I
am
pregnant?”

Jake doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll still help you, Lucy. But Max will never let you leave with his child. You know that. You…you’d be better off trying to figure out how to make…how to make him happy with you again…if you think that’s even possible after yesterday…”

I know he’s right. I’ve had this same thought. It’s why I got up at 3:00 and went looking for him. To try to appease him. To make up to him. To show him…I don’t know. My mind runs from this thought. “Ok…I don’t know if I’ll be able to call you again…”

“I’ll come by later today…to talk to Max again. Ok?”

“Ok….Thanks, Jake…” I hang up quietly.

But I do know. At 3:00 a.m., I wanted to show Max that I’m still his. That I still know that he has every right to be angry with me. That he has every right to punish me however he wants. That he’s right…I will take whatever he does.

God help me. It’s what I thought then. Until he scared me with how calmly he said he would hurt me more than he already has. I’m not strong enough to take that...

And what if I am pregnant…it’s not just me I have to think about then…