True Control 4.2 (10 page)

Chapter 31 HIM

I called her three hours ago. It only went to voicemail, with no call back. I was disappointed to not talk to her. Even more disappointed after not hearing back from her. Now, in the elevator, I’m getting angry. She better not still be in bed!

I get to her door and open it with my card. I smile…she didn’t change the lock at least.

Walking in, I can tell right away that she cleaned. It smells like oranges and blossoms…like her, clean and fresh and sweet.

I head into the kitchen. “Lucy!” I look and see the bedroom door is open. I don’t go in. I just put the bag of food I brought on the counter. I smile seeing how clean everything is.

Good. She listened to that part at least. Let’s hope she’s not still lounging around in sweats, crying all day. I frown. Not that I can blame the girl. I had to stop my own faucets from running on more than one day lately. I still can’t believe Max is gone.

I stop. I don’t hear anything. Maybe she’s in the bathroom? I move towards the bedroom door. “Lucy?!”

No response. I poke my head into the bedroom. It’s clean too. But no Lucy. I spot the urn and the ultrasound picture. I feel my stomach flip-flop. The bathroom door is open.

Get ahold of yourself! She’s not here is all. She’s fine.

But I feel a stab of guilt. Max must have felt like this when he came home to find her not here…she was at my place, waiting for me. Shit. This is all wrong. Max should be here and I shouldn’t be.

I turn to walk out. I’ll leave her a message later.

I reach the front door just as she comes in. She’s beautiful. A jolt of fear before smiling in surprise at seeing me. Her cheeks flushed, hair wild from the wind. “You’re early!”

I can see her arms are full with groceries and bags. I grab two of the heavier looking ones and take them into the kitchen for her. She stops in the hall and tosses the shopping bags into the bedroom before following me.

I keep my back to her. I don’t want her to see my reaction at seeing her walk in the door. I’m as hard as I was yesterday after spanking her. I’d hurried out of the room then too.

“You went shopping?”

“Oh…yeah…” I glance at her as she puts her groceries on the counter. She looks a little embarrassed. “I had to get some new stuff.” She pats her stomach. “I’m planning to overfeed this critter the next few days.” She laughs at herself.

I’m under control again. I turn and laugh with her, “Good. I’ll be glad to see it.”

She turns to face me, fully. Her face isn’t sad, but she’s not really smiling either. “I want to say thanks…for yesterday. I needed…” she stops and her look frowns and turns…coy? “…a good
kick
in the butt.” I watch her mouth as she says this. It’s playful, stressing the word, toying with me.

I grin, “Anytime.” She blushes. That way she has, so easily. Max told me once that it was her expressiveness, her little responses and blushes that made him fall in love with her so fast and hard. I can see why.

I stop smiling and turn away quickly again. “So…what’s all this?” I nod toward the spread of food she has on the counter.

“I’m making you a home cooked meal tonight.” She glances at the bag I brought, her eyebrow hooked in accusation.

“You don’t have to do that…” But my stomach betrays me, growling. I rarely cook for myself. Usually the spaghetti variety is the most I do.

She laughs and pokes me in the rib. “How bout you help? You can chop onions…I think I’ve cried enough lately…”

I give her a small, soft smile. I think so too.

…..

“Mom is going to be jealous. I’m not telling her that you’ve now outdone her with chicken parm...” I’m on my third helping. I’m happy to see that Lucy’s had two herself. She was serious about eating well.

“I won’t tell!” She raises her fork in salute. “This was one of Max’s favorites…” She has the faraway look again. She’s gone quiet and solemn a few times tonight. I haven’t interrupted. She needs to learn to get herself out of her head, to allow herself time to feel everything too if she needs.

She shakes her head and I’m rewarded for my patience with one of her prettiest smiles, big and lots of teeth. “Would you like more wine?” She’s already reaching for the bottle. I shake my head. She only had water, but she insisted I have some Chianti.

It’s funny. When I compare tonight to so many nights I had with Julia…or any girlfriend for that matter. I know Lucy is different. She’s naturally submissive. She’s naturally attentive and giving, feminine. Not like the women I’ve dated.

I recognized this in her before. The first night I met her, she was obviously scared…and just so damn cute. So damn submissive…subservient. Her every movement was done to please my brother. I still feel a pang of jealousy thinking about that night. And guilt.

I talked to Max about Lucy’s nature. After I broke up with Julia. The night I threw myself a housewarming party for my new building. Lucy fell asleep on the sofa. Max and I finished drinks and cigars on the roof.

I asked why he was so hard on her. Why he had to demand so much from her. I was really trying to be her friend. To help him to see what she’d been telling me, about her fears. But, hell, I was drunk. I wanted to know how he was able to get her do what he wanted…so easily.

He said he couldn’t help how he was with her. That she brought out the most primal needs to possess, rule, protect in him. His words. I laughed then, really drunk. But I dreamt that night…well, I don’t really remember much but a bare skin rug and beating my chest like an apeman, taking her wildly.  I woke up soaked in sweat and guilt, painfully hard.

Max also said that Lucy didn’t know herself before he met her. She didn’t know her true nature really…he brought it out in her too. He was very poetic in his drunkenness that night. That she was a flower waiting to be de-thorned or some bullshit like that. That she only pretended to be a modern girl, she was really old-fashioned, that she really understood her place was next to her man. I remember gritting my teeth when he said, under her man. I don’t remember what I said. I only remember how I felt. Jealous.

Watching her now. I know he was right. Her true nature is submissive…she does everything to please everyone else.

She interrupts my thoughts. “So Alex asked if I’d come up to the lake house next weekend…”

“I know…I suggested it. The weather’s getting nicer. I think the fresh air would do you good.” I shift uncomfortably, trying to keep my voice light. I’m going to give myself permanent damage if I keep getting this hard around her. “I can drive you up if you’d like…”

“I…I’m thinking I might be busy…” She smiles a little more.

“Busy?” I frown. I hope she doesn’t mean hanging around here, wallowing in grief more.

“Maybe…I’m going to see about working at the symphony or a museum or something…”

And I’m shocked at the stab to my stomach. I can’t even think where it comes from for a moment. “You…you want to go back to work?”

She laughs. “Well…not work as in get paid…but volunteer maybe…if I can.” I watch as she picks up the plates and walks away.

I watch her body move. She’s too skinny. Her skirt stretches at the top, but her legs and arms look too thin. That doesn’t stop me from watching her hips sway. Her little toes almost pointed with her barefoot steps, her hair still crazy with frizz and curls, bouncing.

Shit, get ahold of yourself!

I don’t move. She clears the table, smiling at me. I can’t get up just yet. Again.

When she’s in the kitchen, I bolt for the bathroom.

I close the door and breathe. Just breathe.

I look in the mirror. And just like that, I’m deflated. I can see Max staring at me. We were always told we looked more like twins than brothers with three years between us. No matter what else I think tonight. No matter what else I’ve thought over the last months. I can’t betray my brother. Not now. Not ever.

I open the door slowly. I’m in control of myself again. And for the last time. I make this promise, knowing it’s useless…I can’t control everything. I grin. It’s not my fault your wife is my dream fuck, brother. But I don’t feel the humor…I feel only sadness that Max can’t be here…for her, for me.

I sit back at the table and watch as she brings two cups of coffee and brownies out.

I frown at her cup. She laughs, “Dr. Patel says just a little caffeine won’t hurt me or the baby.”

I put my hand over her cup. “Not on my watch.”

She frowns again, but she lets go of the handle. I smile. I don’t get hard, I’m concentrating really hard not to. Her easy submissive responses though make it…I clench my fist under the table…damn difficult!

“So…why volunteer?” I have to choke back the edge to my voice. She’s still frowning, but answers with the same smile.

“I just need to keep busy…until the baby…” She’s held her hand over her stomach a lot tonight. A sweet unconscious gesture. Max’s baby is already very loved.

“Oh…well…if it’s just to keep busy…” I shout at myself to shut up. I ignore that side of my brain. “…you could help me…?”

She laughs and puts her soft, little fingers on my arm. “What could I do for you?” I watch her fingers curl around, barely covering my arm. She’s so tiny. I notice her ring and pull my arm back. Stop. Right now. Fucking stop this shit.

But I’m still not listening… “You could be my temporary office manager…just until…” I shrug and look at her stomach. I’m already down this road. I take a deep breath, letting it out with a strong sigh. “I lost my office manager last month. I’ve been interviewing, but I haven’t found anyone that’ll work. My admin’s been filling in, but he’s not really cut out for it.” This is true. I could use the help. Stop kidding yourself. You don’t want her help. You want her near. You want her
not
somewhere else.

That was what stabbed my stomach. The thought of her out there…in the world…around other people. Away from me.

I’m as demented as Max.

I shake my head and start to retract what I just said, “I think volunteering would be go…”

“I’ll do it!” She claps her hands. “Thank you, Jake! I know you’re just being nice…but this is exactly what I need!” Her eyes fill with crystal blue water, deep pools of unshed tears that magnify the color of her eyes. Now who’s being poetic! “I just need to keep myself busy, ya know?!” She wipes her eyes, but I watch one stray tear fall across her cheek, running towards her mouth. I’d like to follow it with my tongue.

I hear myself agreeing. I hear myself laughing with her. I hear myself saying that we’ll work out the details. Shit. Why can’t I shut up already?!

“And I can help you interview for a replacement,” she puts her hand on her stomach again, “when the time’s right…” I nod. I should be backtracking, getting myself out of this deal, but instead…I nod. Idiot!

Chapter 31 HER

I’m shaking. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked really. And I’ve only had a few jobs before this. High school, I worked in a friend’s Dad’s dental office; college, I worked as the front desk in admissions; and right out of college, I worked as technical recruiter for a small talent placement company.  The longest I worked anywhere was with the accounting firm, recruiting non-accounting positions. I loved it. I was even good at it. But it feels like a lifetime ago that I was around professional-types.

Max didn’t believe in letting me work. I ignore this thought. It’s not going to help me. I need to focus on getting through today. That’s all. I can’t let Jake down. He’s doing this for me. I have to do my best.

I know this is good for me. I’ve been able to think of nothing else all morning. Almost. A miracle. I rushed through getting ready and eating a big breakfast.

I smile and jolt with a pothole. But I keep my breakfast down. I have a tight small smile for Jeff as I get out. I know he’ll be back to pick me up. He’s still on the payroll is how Ron put it. I know he thinks it’s his job to keep a close eye on me. For Max. I like it…I feel connected still to my life with Max this way.

Jake’s still in his old offices, just outside the Loop. I look at my watch. I’m early. Max’s training. Never be late. A golden rule. I smile. He might not be pleased that I’m doing this, but at least I’m not breaking any of his other rules.

I smooth my light dress down, pull my light-weight sweater away from my stomach and walk through the open doors. The offices are up a flight of stairs. I have to search for the door down the hall. I’ve only been here once, several months ago.

I finally find the door, but it’s locked. The hallway is dark too. I’m a little too punctual. I wait near the only window in the area. I can see people walking quickly just a floor below on the street, cars slowing and speeding.

I’m saddened by the obvious tick of time. This is why I need to stay busy…to avoid thinking about life and time and all that can happen and has happened and all that...

“Hello!”

“Shi…!” I jump and turn, startled by the clear voice in the hall behind me.

“Hey…sorry…didn’t mean to scare you…” A dark-haired, dark-eyed man in baggy dark jeans, t-shirt, and multi-colored shoes comes a little closer. His smile is friendly though. He keeps one hand on his side and one on the strap to his bag slung across his shoulder.

“Oh. No…I just didn’t hear you…” I try to sound more confident again. I’m still shaking though. Between being scared and running down the rabbit hole of depression again…I’m definitely shaken.

He smiles wider. “Are you waiting for Jake?” I nod. “Well, I’m Tim. One of his architects. I can let you in to wait inside…”

I smile too, “Thank you.”

I follow him inside and he turns on lights as we go. The place is a little different. The lobby and front desk is pushed forward more, there are more cubicles everywhere. Tubes of papers, long tables of reams of paper, every work surface covered in papers. I follow Tim into a break area. He keeps looking at me from the side as he makes a fresh pot of coffee. The smell is intoxicating. I’m used to having one cup each morning. Another rule. Going cold turkey with even this small addiction has been hard.

I step back out into the open area, looking around. I don’t know where Jake’s office is anymore. The space is jammed pack with tables and walls and papers.

I turn to see Tim smiling again at me. “So…are you a new client…or a new architect?”

“Neither…I’m just here to help out…new office staff.” I don’t know why I shy away from saying ‘manager’ but it doesn’t feel right. I won’t be here that long anyway.

“Ah. Finally.” I move out of his way as he walks back towards the front. I still follow him though, through the maze of stuff. “This is me. In case you ever have a question, or need anything.” He drops his bag at a cubby near a side window. I look around the space. It’s a mess. A creative mess, but still an overwhelming display of objects, art, trinkets, and more papers. He moves a pile of rolled up papers off to the side and turns on his computer.

“Thanks.” I think my first question would be how he gets any work done in all this.

“What’s your name?”

“Oh…sorry.” I put out my hand. “Lucy. Nice to meet you, Tim.”

He takes my hand and wraps his other hand around both of ours. “You have a pretty smile, Lucy. I can say that…since you haven’t officially started yet.” And he winks at me.

I catch my breath. I lean against the makeshift wall between the cubicles and feel the tears spring up, but I look down quickly.

“Damn…I didn’t think anybody blushed anymore!” He lets go of my hand. I pull away, moving back a few steps from him.

I try to smile, to not cry. I don’t look at him. I look everywhere but at him. I know he was only joking with me, but…the wink! I hear a few more people coming in and I take the opportunity to walk away quickly. I’ll wait at the front.

I bump into Jake’s strong chest rushing to get down the corridor of cubes.

“Hey.” He puts his arms around me and I feel even colder, more shaken. I shouldn’t be here. This was a bad idea. “Lucy…you ok?” His deep, concerned voice. His spicy sweet smell, like vanilla and nutmeg, warm and inviting. His eyes. All wrong.

I push away. “I’m fine…I just need the bathroom.” That’s true. My bladder is becoming the size of a pea with this baby. Maybe I’ll just keep walking though. I can explain later that I changed my mind. He’ll have to understand.

But Jake grabs my chin and pulls my face up to his. And I know. Right there. I can lie to myself all I want. But I know. “Don’t lie to me, girl.”

I shake my head, “I just got a little overwhelmed…being here…all these people I don’t know...” My eyes dart around. A few people are looking our way now.

He lets go of my chin and grunts a little, “That’s understandable.” Then he grins, his dirty-secret grin, “Besides…I know you wanna impress the boss.” And I laugh watching his eyebrows wiggle. He can always make me laugh, even when my stomach hurts.

“I really do have to…” I gesture with my head towards the hall.

“Oh. Down the hall, first on the right.” As I walk away though, he adds with a stern voice, “I’ll be waiting right here, Lucy.”

I guess I
won’t
be walking away.

And I know that I don’t want to…I like the idea of being here…near Jake.