True Love (47 page)

Yikes! What’s wrong with me? B. is my friend. And so is Jesse. The real problem is this girl, Beth. I wonder, is she pretty? Is she sexy? Whatever she is, I’m sure she doesn’t have cancer. I’m so mixed up. I wish B. had never told me about Beth and Jesse! What was she thinking?

December 15

Chemo’s over. I feel like a person let out of prison. They removed the shunt too and I’m sure not going to miss THAT sucker! I’m learning so much with Ms. Blackbird. She’s worked individually with me and says I’m inspiring. She says I should audition for the Denver ballet group when I’m sixteen because they take young dancers for summer internships. I can’t believe it! She thinks I’m good enough to become a part of her company’s dance corps! Of course, if I’m accepted (fat chance!) and can really join a troupe full-time after graduation, I’ll have to forgo college … at least for a while. I don’t know how Mom and Dad would take the news. I know they have a college fund for me, and Grandma left me a chunk for college too. But dance supersedes college in my book! I won’t be able to dance forever and I can always go to college
.

Our Christmas performance will be at the Fox Theater Friday night. I’ve been dancing in
The Nutcracker
since I was a kid, but I’m more excited about this one than I’ve ever been about others. Dad says we can buy a copy of the tape PBS is shooting of the performance and we’ll send it to Jesse for a Christmas present. I wonder if he’ll care (now that Beth is in the picture)
.

TO:
Bailey

Subject:
Third Degree

Why do you keep asking about Beth in your e-mails? There is NO me and Beth. I took her to a dance because she asked me to. I have no plans to date her. She’s OK, but not right for me. Please don’t ever tell Melinda about Beth. I don’t want her to think any girl means more to me than she does. And that’s the truth. Thanks for keeping my secret (which I never should have dumped on you).

Jesse

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

December 20

I spent the evening consoling Bailey because Kerry broke up with her. He’s such a RAT! He dumped her right before Christmas—probably because he’s too cheap to buy her a gift! I reminded her that he’d done the same thing to Allison and she’s pregnant! I think B. knows deep down she’s better off without him. According to B. he was making
too many demands on her anyway. I can guess what “demands” she means too
.

It’s hard for her, though, because she’s the kind of girl who always thinks she needs a guy. I’ve never been able to figure out why. She’s a great person, fun to be with, always ready to do anything for a friend. I wish she could see herself through my eyes
.

I realize she’s a little bit of a drama queen too. She tends to blow everything way out of proportion until it takes on gigantic importance. Good thing she wasn’t the one who got leukemia. How would she have coped with that?

“Merry Christmas, Melinda.” “Jesse? Is this really you?” “No … it’s my evil twin. Just kidding.… How are you?”

“I—I’m fine. And you?”

“Fine. Listen, I called to thank you for the tape. And the Braves shirt. They’re both perfect.”

“You’re welcome.… Thanks for the rose pendant. I’m wearing it now.”

“I’m glad you like it. The tape is my favorite thing. You look so … so real. I’ve replayed the Chinese dance part so many times I can hum the music in my sleep.”

“Tchaikovsky would be pleased to know that.”

“You, um … looked beautiful. Even prettier than that famous ballerina you like so much.”

“I don’t think so, but thanks for saying it. So … what did you get for Christmas?”

“My father sent a video camera. Said that if I won’t come to him, then the least I can do is send tapes of my day-to-day life. It’s a pretty good idea, actually. I can send you tapes too.”

“Would you?”

“I’ve taped our apartment and me and Mom opening presents this morning.”

“How’s your mom? We didn’t get a Christmas letter from her this year.”

“She’s all right. Wrung out because she’s taking an extra course this term. So tell me, is everything still okay with you?”

“I guess so. My latest blood counts were normal. I’m going back to school in January. You know—back into the classroom. I’m excited, but sort of scared about it too.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been out ever since last May. Everybody’s so far ahead of me. Not with studies and class work, but with friends and cliques and all the social stuff. Know what I mean?”

“Bailey’s there. She’ll make sure you fit right in, won’t she?”

“She’ll help, but I may be a total social retard. I’ll have to see how the kids treat me.”

“You didn’t plan on getting cancer. They should be nice to you.”

“We’ll see, won’t we?”

December 30

My Confession

I am pond scum. Puppy piddle. Turtle turds and beetle dung. And every other nasty thing I can think of! Why am I all of these loathsome things? Because I’ve fallen in love with Jesse Rose. And the only reason I’m writing it down is that there’s no one I can tell. Especially my best friend in the whole entire world, Melinda. And if I don’t tell someone, I’m going to burst. So this piece of notebook paper becomes my “confessor” and the keeper of my awful secret
.

Jesse treats Melinda like she’s a queen. I want a guy to treat me the same way. But no boy does. Things start
out good between us, but once we get used to each other and the goo-goo feelings fade, we drift apart. Most of the time, I get pressured to do things I don’t want to do with the guy. If I don’t cave, he walks. That’s the way it was with Kerry
.

Except I did let him go a little too far (not all the way, but almost!). So now he’s spreading rumors, and there’s nothing I can do, because kids at school want to believe

him—Mr. Cool Jock. Now other guys are asking me out

because they think I’m easy—which I’m NOT!

I never want Melinda to know any of this. Especially how I feel about Jesse. What kind of friend wants her best friend’s guy? Especially a best friend who’s sick with a terrible disease? Also, I know the truth about Jesse and Beth (that Beth is nothing to him) and I don’t tell Melinda. Still I let Melinda think the worst
.

See how worthless I am? I hate me. But not enough to stop loving Jesse
.

Signed
,

Bailey Taylor

Prisoner of Dark Secrets

P.S. I feel better after writing this. Tomorrow night I’ll hear Jesse’s voice on the phone. It’ll break my heart
because I know he only cares for Melinda, but I want to hear h
i
m so much. Love hurts. Oh yeah … it hurts big-time
.

M
ELINDA’S
D
IARY

January 3

Returned to school today. Scared, but happy to be back. I’d forgotten how loud the halls can be after all the time I’ve spent alone at home. I stood at my locker and soaked up the atmosphere like a sponge. Some kid almost ran into me and I nearly panicked because I sure don’t want to get injured and end up back in the hospital. I’ve had enough of hospitals to last me the rest of my life!

In homeroom, everybody was friendly, but I knew they were talking about me. “She’s the girl with cancer,” a girl whispered (loud enough for me to hear). “Is she bald?” “Is she wearing a wig?” others asked. I wanted to yell “No,” but I wasn’t supposed to hear them, so I kept my mouth shut and kept smiling. Don’t they know it hurts to be talked about? What’s wrong with people anyway?

Mom got permission from the superintendent of schools for me to carry a pager at school. If I ever get sick, I can page her and she can come get me. But I won’t use it because it’s so lame, and besides, it makes me feel even more like an outsider. I ate lunch with Bailey (lucky we have the same schedule!) and got eyeballed by the football players. Bailey says that they’re shunning her. Why is Kerry being so mean to her? I’m glad I know someone like Jesse, who’s never been mean to me
.