Twell and the Rebellion (27 page)

His mouth curved up in the way
I’d once found so arrogant, as he playfully provoked her. He looked
happy, or as happy as anyone could be here under the circumstances.
It seemed so unfair and ridiculous that I wasn’t allowed to sit
with my friends, as long as my lover was there. As if it should
matter now, after everything that had happened. But it did matter.
If I sat with him, apart from getting in more trouble, it would
hurt Avin. If I sat with Avin (and Shanna didn’t strangle me) it
would hurt Jonaz. I just couldn’t win.

I stood at a loss in the middle
of the hall and felt so conflicted and guilty I lost my appetite.
Leaving my tray on an empty table I walked out of the hall, not
really sure where I was going. Maybe, if I could just get away for
a moment, I would have time to sort out my head, to work out the
right thing to do.

Seeing some officers heading my
way I ducked into the shadows of the hall building, out of sight.
When they’d moved on, I snuck to the far north side of the camp and
then took a tentative step from the path, as if waiting for a big
alarm to start ringing, dobbing me in. Nothing happened. Breathing
a sigh of relief, I wandered out to the beginning of the desert,
where the sands sloped down towards the plains. There they
glimmered like a lake, reflecting the light of the moon. The stars
shimmered and winked over me as I tried to let the peacefulness of
the night seep into my soul. But my mind was restless and could not
be stilled.

A sudden squeaking in the sand
startled me. I whipped around in alarm, looking for the
perpetrator, but there was no one there. Yet the footsteps grew
closer. I jumped up, watching in fascination as pairs of indents
appeared in the sand coming right up to me.

“
Sazika?” I whispered, my
heart pounding hard against my ribs.

“
Hiya,” she replied as she
materialized in front of me. It was so good to see her sweet and
uncomplicated face. I raised my hand to her cheek and she returned
the greeting.

“I saw you leaving the
hall and wanted to make sure you were alright.” Sazika looked at me
with concern. There was that darn kindness again, threatening to
undo me. I sunk back down to the ground and wrapped my arms around
my knees, staring out across the landscape. After a moment she
dropped down beside me.

“
I’m sorry to hear about
Shay.”

“
Thanks,” I managed. I
couldn’t go there.

Sazika realized it quickly and
moved on. “What’s going on with you and your new friends,
Twell?”

“
It’s complicated.” I
heaved a sigh.

“
Tell me about it,” she
insisted gently. I looked at her small, pale face and knew she was
one of the few people I truly trusted. I found myself wanting to
tell her everything. So I did.

“
Oh boy.” Sazika breathed
when I’d finished.

“
I know.” I
groaned.

“
How did you get yourself
into this, Twell?”

“
Because I’m an
idiot?”

“
No. I mean, I always saw
you as so strong willed. But this Shanna seems to have a grip on
you.”

“
She has a conviction.” I
suddenly felt a little defensive.

“
But is it your own?” she
pressed. I looked at her seriously and wished I could be invisible
too. If I couldn’t make my problems disappear, maybe the ability to
disappear myself would be the next best thing.

“
Yes, it is,” I replied
softly.

“
Oh boy,” Sazika repeated
unhelpfully.

I put my head between my knees
and groaned.

“
What about Jonaz…you love
him, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.” Raising
my head, I looked at her in earnest. “I’m
in
love with him.” Sazika
smiled shyly for a second, a red glow creeping into her cheeks.
Then her smile faded.

“
And Avin?”

I was silent, staring into her
wide trusting eyes as if I could find a sensible answer there. “I
don’t know. I feel…something.”

“
Oh boy!”

“
Sazika!”

“
Okay, sorry!” she
exclaimed. “It’s just that I have no idea what the right advice is
to give you. There’s nothing I’ve learned in life so far that
covers this situation.”

“
That’s because it’s
against the law,” I retorted bitterly. “And good little Comains
never question the law.”

Sazika was quiet for a moment,
gazing thoughtfully at me. “I know we’ve been told to follow our
heads,” Sazika mused tentatively. “All my life I’ve been taught and
prepared to do that.”

“
But?” I
inserted.

“
But in my heart, when it
comes to love…it just doesn’t feel right.” Sazika breathed a big
sigh of relief, as if it had been physically hard to get the words
out.

“
But what about Mekai?” I
ventured. “Do you love him?”

Sazika blushed again, but her
lips curved into a secret sort of smile. “I think I do, or at
least…I know I will.”

“
Is that enough for you?”
I couldn’t help asking.

Sazika hesitated for a second
before answering. “For me, yes it is. But for you…you have to make
your own choice.”

Choices. Choices. Choices. The
very thing I wanted was now a thing I was beginning to fear. I
realized with choices came the reality that people would get hurt.
At least when the government decided for us, there was no one to
blame, no burden on us as individuals, and no reason for guilt. It
took away personal responsibility and for one tiny moment, I almost
missed it.

“
You’re right,” I groaned.
“But it’s terrifying.”

“
But you’re brave, Twell.”
The strength in Sazika’s tone surprised me. “I believe you can
achieve anything you truly desire.”

I was touched. I honestly didn’t
think I’d done a lot to earn Sazika’s respect, but it meant a lot
to me.

“
Thank you,” I said,
trying desperately not to get misty again.

“
Here,” Sazika produced a
vial of energy sustenance from the pocket on her pants. “If you’re
going to have boy dramas, you need to keep up your
strength.”

“Thanks.” I grinned. “Oh,
and thanks for your help with the visit from Jonaz.” I winked at
her.

“What help?” she replied
innocently. For the first time in ages I laughed. It sounded rusty
and
unpracticed
, but it felt
real.

“
Come on,” Sazika said.
“We better get to the dorms before Maza sniffs us out.”

“
Hey, that’s okay, you
disappear,” I urged her. “I probably can’t lower her opinion of me
any further, but there’s no need for her to cast her suspicion on
you.”

“
Oh well.” Sazika
shrugged. She remained stubbornly in full view the whole walk back
to the dorms.

“
Thanks so much, Sazika,”
I said as we reached my dorm first. “You’re a good friend…better
than I deserve.”

“
Don’t be stupid.” Sazika
screwed up her face although she sounded pleased. I turned to open
my door but she grabbed my arm before I entered.

“
Hey. Be careful,
okay?”

“
Sure,” I agreed. But I
knew it was too late for that advice. I’d already messed things up
magnificently and still had no new ideas as to how to fix it.
Sazika hurried away and I entered the dorm with trepidation, fully
prepared for attack. Instead, I found Shanna sitting cross-legged
on my bed, her face red from crying. Well. That was unexpected. The
sight of her gazing remorsefully at me through teary, bleary eyes
left me speechless.

“
I owe you an apology,”
Shanna blurted before I could say a word.

“
Ummmm,” I stammered, not
sure how to proceed and not quite believing my ears.

“
I always told myself, a
life for a life, one of theirs for his…because I needed someone to
blame for the decisions our own leaders have made. Forcing us to
partner. Making us live without love because of what the Abwarzians
did to us.” Tears ran freely down Shanna’s face as she looked
pitifully at me. “But when I saw those kids today…when I saw how
mistreated they looked…when I saw the fear in their eyes…how could
I go through with it, when it’s not even their fault?”

“Who is
he
?” I
asked as I sat on my bed and faced her.

“
His name was Mylor.”
Shanna sniffed. “We petitioned a love match and it was
rejected.”

“
Oh…I had no idea,” I
muttered, but Shanna cut me off.

“
Mylor was the first one
to convince me how wrong the partnering was, how unfair it was for
our generation,” Shanna said simply. “It drew me to him, because
I’d always felt the same way and struggled to hide it.”

“
Oh. I can understand
that,” I assured her. Boy could I. Jonaz had been the same light to
me, leading my thoughts to the conclusion my heart had already come
to.

“
But Mylor also battled
constantly with depression,” Shanna continued as if she hadn’t
heard me. “He fought it as long as I knew him, but some days it was
too debilitating for him and he seemed unreachable, even to me.
Some days I thought our love and hope in our petition were the only
things keeping him from sinking to an even darker
place.”

“
What happened to him?” I
whispered. I looked into Shanna’s eyes and dread crawled over my
skin. They were haunted.

“
When they said we
couldn’t be together, he went someplace deeper, somewhere endless,
and drowning…some place I couldn’t reach. I couldn’t seem to grab
hold of him, or pull him back out. He said it wasn’t a real life
when we had no control at all. He seemed broken.”

“
I’m sorry,” I said,
because I didn’t know what else to say.

“After the matching he
snuck into my home to see me, to say goodbye. He told me not to
give up like he had, and that he was sorry. I didn’t understand
what goodbye really meant, but after he left me, he flew his pod
out into the wetlands and just turned off the engine,
mid-air.”

“
Shanna!” Her name came
out a strangled gasp, my hands clamping over my mouth in
horror.

“
The government recorded
it as an electrical malfunction. They knew it wasn’t though.”
Shanna’s tone bittered as her face darkened. “But it was his way of
having some control in the end. Even if it was to end his own
life.”

I stared wordlessly at
Shanna, unable to comprehend her pain. Suicide was taboo on Como,
considered an act of disloyalty to the Governing Body. A slap in
the face for all they did for us. It totally made sense they would
cover it up. But it didn’t make my skin crawl any less.

“
For his sake, I need to
try to control my future. I truly believed you were like me…that
because of your reputation and your love for Jonaz, you could even
be the way.” Her dark eyes burned with emotion while I gawked at
her in amazement. She was actually saying his name properly for
once. Yet she was also showing me she was as vulnerable as the rest
of us and that was a real shock.

“
Maybe I am. Don’t give up
hope yet.” The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. I
didn’t know who was more shocked.

“I can’t force you to be
with Jonaz,” she said with more composure. “But I really believed
that maybe, with my prompting, you two could pave the way to a
better life for us all. I don’t want to have to accept my genetic
partner. I loved Mylor. No one can replace him and they shouldn’t
have to.”

“
I agree.” I nodded
fervently. Love was not replaceable with reason.

“
I’m scared, Twell. I’m
terrified.” Shanna lowered her head into her hands and choked back
a sob. I couldn’t bear it.

“
I’ll find a way, don’t
worry,” I cried. Honestly. It was as if my mouth had a mind of its
own.

“
What?” Shanna’s head
whipped up in surprise.

“
I don’t know how,
though…maybe you’re wrong about me and I don’t have what it
takes.”

But Shanna was too sharp, even
in the middle of an emotional breakdown. Hope flickered in her eyes
and the next minute she was wiping her tears away and sitting up
straighter. “No. It’s your destiny, my instincts were right.”
Shanna’s voice grew in strength and I could see her spirit
reviving, as if I’d said the magic words to pull her from her
reverie. My heart thumped like crazy. My stomach twisted into too
familiar knots and I felt afraid.

“
Is it my destiny to hurt
everyone I care about?” I said hopelessly.

“
Sometimes a few people
must suffer for the greater good. But it’s worth it for the freedom
we could gain for our people.”

“
Who’s we?” I muttered,
pulling my hands from her grasp.

“
The others and myself.
We’re in this together. From now on if you get punished, we’ll
stand by you and take the consequences with you.”

“
About time!” I huffed
dramatically.

“
Yeah, yeah, okay.” Shanna
rolled her eyes and laughed. I realized I’d never heard her laugh
before, apart from sarcastically. She looked so cheerful now, such
a massive change from the different sides I’d seen so far. I just
couldn’t bring myself to share the utter anguish I was feeling.
There’d been enough emotion displayed for one day.