Twice Loved (9 page)

Tate gives me a knowing smile as I walk back in. I can see they are finishing up the food and getting ready to get back to work on the car. He walks up to me and leans in and whispers so only I can hear, “I want to bend you over the hood of that car and take you hard.”

Well hot damn let's do it! Yea, it's only a thought but a delicious one.

“Give me a kiss.” he commands and I lean up touching my lips to his briefly before he turns back to work

Oh be still my heart I'm in love with this guy. I shouldn’t be but I am and it doesn't even matter why I love him I just do.

I go back to fiddling on my phone. Playing my gum goo game and texting Haley stupid shit. I almost wish I had papers to grade right now. Anything is better than nothing.

I pace around the shop for a while to keep myself awake it's eight at night and I'm thankful I have all night to stay with Tate but he's going to be exhausted by the time he's done tonight. Maybe I can talk him into soaking in a hot bath with me that would be relaxing and romantic all in one.

I take a phone call from Pam while I wait she fills me in on a horrible date she had. It was so bad she came home early faking menstrual cramps. I love my friends! We talk for another thirty minutes and I realize the night is slowly fading away. I can't complain too much Tate has now taken his shirt off and I have some delicious eye candy. I watch as sweat drips down his pecs. I lick my bottom lip wishing it was his chest instead. I squirm in my seat again. It's time for a distraction of some sort I can't keep on this way or I'll end up in the bathroom finger fucking myself.

I jump up like I have been shot at that. I walk into the cool night. It's like a breath of fresh air. It soothes me and relaxes the tension. I honestly don't know why Tate has this effect on me but he does. Blaring sirens distract me. Red and white lights flashing as they race by.

Tate had my mind all kinds of fucked up. Then, now, and forever. Why can’t I just face there is no future in a relationship with Tate. Or one that I could live with anyway. I want a man devoted to me. A man who only wants me and makes me his world. Not one who spreads himself around like he’s fairy dust.

Tate claims to want to be that man but his track record shows he can’t be. He’s never been faithful in any relationship. He has tried, but it just doesn’t work for him. Maybe it’s his fucked up childhood. Or is it because he’s a selfish bastard and only cares about himself, but damn it I love that man!

It frustrates me every time I think about it. How I can have such mixed emotions is beyond me. One moment I am okay with the poly relationship. He has LuAnn, I have Steve. The next I want him all to myself. I don’t want to share him with anyone. I’m a selfish bitch and don’t want to give up Steve for Tate. I may not love Steve like I did when we were in younger or when he was healthy but I will always love him. I wouldn’t leave him either, it was until death do us part.

Tate is the man that gets my motor running though. Just thinking about him makes my heart skip a beat. A smile will creep on my face without me even realizing it. He makes me happy even when we are fighting or pissed off with one another.

“You have to leave!”

“Um excuse me?”

I ask Tate not sure why he is talking to me like a two year old right now. “LuAnn is on her way here and I couldn’t stop her.”

“Seriously? Unbelievable!” I’m pissed that once again this bitch is ruining my time with Tate.

Fuck it pisses me off that when he’s with her I have to respect that we can’t text or talk to one another so she doesn’t catch on to what he is doing but why can’t I get the same fucking respect.

“What the fuck ever… have a nice night asshole!” I grab my keys off the counter swing my purse over my shoulder and storm out of the garage. Tate is calling after me

“I’d rather be with you.”

“Whatever asshole!” I slam my car door.

It makes me feel somewhat better to take my aggression out on something. This is another case of being irrational. I knew what I signed up for with Tate. We took our relationship to a level it was never meant to be. When the L word comes up it’s a big deal to me. I guess a part of me needed to believe him. To believe that a man loved me because I was losing Steve there was no denying it. Was I just looking for the replacement the one who would keep me from being lonely? Is that why I latched on to Tate so hard and fast?

“I think you should do what feels right to you.” Haley is tapping her fingers on my kitchen counter as she talks to me, bringing me back to the present. “Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about you being with Tate. What do you want? What does he want?”

“Haley, he may or may not be rid of LuAnn and had a woman at this place the other night before he was at the bar.”

“Tate is always seeing someone. I don’t know why he calls it that its more he just fucks them until he grows bored with them.”

I turn from the pot I’m stirring on the stove. I place my hands on the counter. “Yea and how long before I’m the one he is growing bored with?”

“I think it’s different with y’all.”

“Enough Haley!”

“But Jake says…”

I don’t want to hear anymore. “I don’t care what Jake says it’s over and done.”

I truly hope my best friend gets that I can’t be another number, another notch. If I ever choose to try again. I want the kind of relationship where I am the only woman. I don’t want to share. I’m not made to share. I learned my lesson when I was with Tate the first time. I couldn’t do that to myself emotionally again.

“Fine… fine. I’ll shut up!”

Haley is a little peeved at me that much is obvious. In fact she looks like she is barely containing her anger at the situation. She will have to get over it. It’s not her life to live. I knew that it would be hard walking away from Tate a second time but I did it anyway. I had no choice. I wasn’t going to get the fairytale from Tate.

“Can we change the subject?”

It’s Sunday afternoon and Haley and I sit on the back patio overlooking the pool. The sun glistens off the water. This is tradition for Haley and I brunch on my patio followed by girl talk. Today we should be talking about the first day of school. It starts tomorrow another year of molding little minds. I can’t get away from Tate even then because his daughter is in my room this year.

Olivia and Noah are inside preparing snacks as they have a few friends coming over for a back to school pool party. I loved having my kids and their friends hang out at the house. They are so alive and vibrant something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I got a taste of it a couple weeks ago but it is gone again.

“You ready for tomorrow?”

Now this I can talk about. Teaching I love. It gives me something to look forward to something to be hopeful for. Each year I am blessed to have twenty something minds to mold and teach. I learn just as much as they do by the end of a school year. Each child has a unique story and personality that comes out as the year goes on. I never know what I’m getting in that room.

“I’m more than ready. I can’t wait to get to know my new kids.”

“Yea I feel the same way. Jake helped me move some furniture around in the classroom yesterday. It was the first time he had been to my room. He was cute.”

“Cute?” I chuckle “How was it cute?”

“He kept touching everything. Like it was foreign to him.” She sets her glass back on the table while pushing her sunglasses up on her nose.

“It probably is he works on cars for a living. Not reading books and using puppets.”

“I know this. It’s just like he was confused not sure what to do with himself,” Haley laughs at what I guess is a memory of Jake in her room.

“Olivia helped me a lot last week in my room to prepare it. Said it was good for her to help me as much as she could since she wants to be a teacher someday.”

“That’s so cool having a daughter who wants to follow in your footsteps.”

“Yea it is. She’ll make a good teacher too I think. Since she has work study the last period of the day she plans to volunteer at the elementary school.”

Haley shifts in her chair as I take a sip of the tea in front of me. A smile adorns her face.

“Oh I wonder if I can claim her just to help me?”

Laughter bubbles out of me. “Trying to steal my daughter?”

“Maybe…”

Our laughter mingles together across the backyard as Olivia and Noah make their way outside each with arms loaded down. Guess it’s time for the party to begin.

Chapter Ten

The first day of school starts early at our house. The kids are up and getting themselves ready. I can’t believe my daughter is going to be a senior and graduating this year. Where has all the time gone? I’m saddened that Steve is not here to share this moment with me. The first school year start without him. I head to the kitchen to start breakfast for everyone.

As I cook my mind keeps traveling to Steve and all that he is going to miss in our kids’ lives. It’s not fair that he didn’t live to see their graduations, future weddings or even grandchildren. A tear escapes I swipe it away. I miss him so much. I know a lot of people in my family don’t understand what I went through the last two years. They don’t get how much I loved Steve and still found myself loving Tate. They would never understand and I didn’t know how to make them. I had trouble processing it myself sometimes.

“I want you to find someone when I’m gone.”

Tears pour from my eyes. I’m ugly crying. I’m a mess as I cling to Steve.

“I don’t want to find someone else!”

“Honey, you’re young. I’m going to be gone in just over a year.”

“No they’ll find a way to treat you.”

There is no doubt I am in denial the pancreatic cancer is going to kill my husband. When he first began having the stomach pains it was already too late for him. He had been experiencing pain the last month or so. He went to our family doctor who initially found nothing wrong until the blood work came back. It was then he sent him for more testing and that included seeing an oncologist.

My heart paralyzed in fear when the C word was first brought up. I didn’t want to believe that it was even a possibility. My husband was too young. He was too healthy until a month ago.

“Honey listen to me please. We both know today’s diagnosis was it.”

He pauses while wrapping his arms around me tighter. I hear him sniff. When he speaks again it’s no doubt he’s crying.

“I want to know you and the kids are going to be okay when I’m gone.”

“No I won’t talk about this now.”

I jerk myself away from my husband’s arms and run to the back of the house shutting myself in our home office. With my back pressed against the wall I slide down to the floor. My arms hug my legs as my head falls on top of my knees. The sobs continue. I fear I may get sick if I don’t stop crying soon.

We have to tell the kids. How do we do that? How do we tell the kids that their dad has been giving a year to live? How do you explain he won’t be there for Prom or Graduation their weddings or the birth of their children? I’m not prepared for any of this.

What did we do to deserve this? We were good people. We lived a good life. Why were we being punished? Why was Steve being punished?

“Honey?”

Steve is in the room with me. How did that happen? He lifts me off the ground and once again I’m clinging to him. Tightly. I don’t want to ever let go.

“I can’t do this Steve. I can’t lose you. I don’t know how we are going to tell the kids?”

“We will get through this together like we have everything else.”

His lips touch mine briefly. I press back into his lips harder. Our slow kisses become deeper. Breaking apart I’m a panting mess between the crying and the kissing. I look at my husband. I love this man standing in front of me. There is no way I can live without him in my life. He is my best friend, my lover, my husband, the father of my children. How will I be happy without him?

Steve kisses me again. I don’t deny him I have never denied my husband when it comes to our physical relationship. Deep sensuous kissing continues between us. His hands begin roaming my body. Sliding up and down my arms.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

He whispers between kisses. I can’t answer him but I nod my head. We walk hand in hand upstairs to our bedroom. He closes the door behind us as we move into our room. He gently pulls me back to him lifting my shirt over my head. His mouth comes down on my neck with feather light kisses. Goosebumps break out over my body. There is a desire in me to consume Steve right now. Motivated by the fear of him dying. I need to be as close to him as I can. His mouth moves from my neck down to my cleavage.

Like always his soft lips on my skin heats me up. A hand begins kneading a breast over my bra. I want to feel skin on skin. I begin fumbling around behind my back and unsnap my bra. It falls forward with that movement. Steve’s hand pulls it down my arms, and he tosses it to the side. He stares at me for a moment before leaning in to kiss me again. As he kisses me his hand caresses my breast. My nipples grow hard under his touch.

Backing away from him. I unbutton my pants and pull them and my panties off in one swift movement then I’m standing before my husband naked. Offering him my body as if I’m a living sacrifice. He groans softly. Then he leads me to our bed. I crawl across the bed. I look back over my shoulder. Steve is watching me. His eyes hooded with lust.

After seventeen years together the fact we still turn each other on this much, want each other this much is a testament to the love we have for one another. He begins undressing himself slowly. I watch from where I have settled on the bed. Despite losing some weight in the last month Steve is still looking good. I lick my bottom lip as I watch his pants drop. His cock is already semi erect. I can’t wait to help him get to full potential.