Twice Loved (7 page)

“Wouldn’t dream of it Princess.”

Ugg this man is so frustrating. Clearly my friends are amused by the way Tate and I banter with one another. Of course they think it’s cute. They aren’t the ones who have to deal with it. For that matter neither do I anymore. I move to get up but Tate’s arm tightens.

“Where are you going?”

“I want to go sign up to sing.”

Not a total lie. I did come here to have fun with karaoke. His grip loosens. That’s my signal that I’m free to get up. When I get back to the table I will have to figure out how to deal with Tate but at least I get a little reprieve.

I walk over to the DJ and quickly flip through the book finding the song I want. I already knew what I would be singing before I got up from the table. It’s hard to keep a straight face as I walk over to the bar and order myself a shot of tequila and a Corona Light. I down the shot at the bar and grab my beer and head back to my table of friends.

I barely make it back to the table before the DJ calls me up to the stage. A sly grin escapes me. Tate’s eyebrow arches up as he watches me walk up to the stage. I grab a mic. I take a couple deep breaths. I’m a bit of a karaoke diva. I love to sing and have fun doing it. I’m never going to be a professional but I won’t be booed off stage either. I also have stage presence probably because I’m use to making a fool of myself every day I teach for the kids in my class.

The first beats of Pink’s
U & UR Hand
rocks out of the speakers.

“This one is for you Tate.”

I say before I start rocking out the lyrics. I watch as Haley and Jake start laughing their asses off. Tate only looks at me mildly amused. I’m up and down the stage as the song carries on hell I don’t need the little teleprompter to sing this song. I am a huge Pink fan and her music is seared into my memory.

As the song nears the end I make my way off the stage and toward Tate. Like I rehearsed it before time. I end with myself plopped on his lap with a grin on my face singing,

“It’s just you and your hand tonight”

I hop up and walk back to the DJ handing him the Mic. The crowd is fired up over my performance especially ending it in Tate’s lap. Our table of friends are having too much fun giving Tate a hard time over my display. I admit I’m a bit nervous walking back to join them. I never know what mood Tate will respond with. Sometimes he takes things as a joke and sometimes he takes things like a dick… hard.

“So it’s just me and my hand tonight?”

I love that he’s laughing and enjoying himself.

“You might can sweet talk Mike into helping you out tonight.” I say with a laugh.

Mike just gives Tate a saucy wink. I would like to think my little show would have put Tate off but I think it just fired him up more. I’m jerked back into his lap. I give up. Tate is bound and determined to have me in his arms tonight. Honestly I don’t really fight too hard. I can always blame the beer in the morning even though I am sober right now.

“Who is singing next from our group?” I ask. I want to see someone besides me get up there.

Haley is already looking through a book while sitting next to Jake. Pam and Michelle decline saying neither one of them can carry a tune. I know the guys won’t sing except Tate. I crane my head around to face Tate. He just smirks.

“I need a beer babe.” I hop up. “Need another one?”

I look at my almost empty bottle and nod my head. I watch him saunter to the bar. I hope I’m not drooling. Pam leans over toward me.

“I can see why you lost your head with that one. Girl he still wants you.”

A sad smile crosses my face. “He just likes fucking me.”

He may have fond memories of our time together. He may have kept a couple mementos in his office the guy has feelings but he told me if I ended it not to ever come crawling back. He was hurt at the time. He had no idea what it was like for me at the time. My husband was dying my mother in law was calling me a brazen hussy at every turn. She didn’t care that I loved her son, or that I was doing everything I could to take care of him. All she saw was me “cheating”. Never considered Steve, and I had an agreement.

I can’t let myself keep going down that road. It’s time to move on with my life. It’s time to find a way to be happy without either man I loved even if it meant being alone.

“Princess…”

Tate is standing in front of me two beers in hand. I guess I need to stop getting lost in my own thoughts and join the land of the living.

“Sorry.” I stand up and grab my beer from him as he sits down. I don’t even try to fight him I just place myself gently back in his lap. “Thanks for the beer.”

“My pleasure. What were you thinking about just now?”

“Huh… oh nothing.”

“Really I know you better than that. Remember I know you.” His eyes bore into me. And his face is twisted with concentration.

Stupid man. Why does he have to be right? Why does he have to know me?

“It sucks to be alone.” I say it so soft. He doesn’t answer me right away so I think I’m lucky and he didn’t hear me.

“Come home with me tonight?”

He thinks that’s the answer to my problem. Although give me a couple more beers and I probably would agree with him.

“Why?”

Tate’s face is priceless as he looks at me like I have lost my mind.

“I asked, and I want you tonight.”

A million things cross my mind in a split second but my mouth overloads any thought.

“Okay…”
Holy Shit!
I’m out of my fucking mind. Why did I just agree to go home with Tate? I’m trying to move on without him not make more memories to forget. I take a long pull of my beer.

“Did you just agree to go home with Tate?” Haley has pulled my body to her. She whispers in my ear. “You go girl… get you some.” Her laugh makes me want to smack her but yea I’m looking forward to one last night with Tate. That’s all it can be for me. It’s all I can allow myself. One night of pleasure.

It’s not long before Tate’s name is called to the stage. That is one thing Tate was good at but didn’t brag about it. Hell it was probably the only thing he didn’t brag about it.

My heart stops as the first bars of Blake Shelton’s
She wouldn’t be Gone
play. He’s always loved Blake and when he sings along with Blake on the radio it use to make my heart beat just a little faster. The funny thing I was not a huge country fan. I knew country, but it was not something I chose to listen to. Haley gives me a knowing smile. Pam and Michelle turn their attention to Tate. I can tell those two are smitten by him.

I don’t blame them. He has enough charm to get a nun to give it to him in a confessional with the priest listening in. It was yet another quality that I loved and hated about him. Even when he was using his charm to get his way with me I found it cute. Most of the time I would let him get away with it too. Tonight was one of those nights I was going to let his charm win out. I wanted what he was offering.

Tate’s rich vocals filled the bar. Woman were swooning all over the place. His eyes never left me for long. I am not sure if he was singing to me or afraid I’d run away while he was gone.

“I don’t know how you gave him up honestly Lori.” Pam is leaned over talking to me.

“I had no choice. I had Steve.”

“I’m sure it was a difficult time and I don’t even begin to understand what you went through emotionally.”

“One of the hardest times of my life.”

Sadness creeps in as I recall those days where I was without Tate. Tate was only the second man I ever loved. I lost the first one to death, and I lost Tate to bad timing. It is what it is though. Life goes on.

Tate finishes up his song, and he receives a loud round of applause from the bar. I smile at him as he approaches. Before I can say anything the DJ calls his name and mine.

“What did you do?” I ask him as he smiles at me mischievously.

“I wanted to sing a duet with you. Something we never got to do in public before.”

I groan but I stand up and follow him back up to the stage. I repress another groan as the song title appears on the prompter.
“I Need You”
a duet originally done by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. I knew the song, and I wasn’t sure this was a good idea for me.

Tate’s rich voice once again fills the building.

“I want to drink that shot of whiskey….”

My eyes are riveted on the man before me. Each word he sings is directed straight at my heart. I want to believe that he means what’s he’s singing to me. I join in where I’m suppose too. My eyes still focused on him. It’s as if we are the only two in the place. He is looking deep into my eyes as well. Is it possible he still loves me? Is he really trying to tell me that? Or is it just wishful thinking on my part?

The song finishes up. Slowly as if I’m walking on sticky glue traps I hand the mic back over. Tate takes my hand and leads me off stage as the applause dies down around the room. I look up into his eyes.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Okay.” It’s all I can say I’m ready to be alone with him.

Chapter Eight

Tate drives my car back to his cottage. I’m nervous. It’s like my first time all over again. It’s ridiculous. Tate knows my body better than I do sometimes. Memories rush at me of the many nights he spent teaching and exploring things of the not so vanilla variety. Everything we did together in the bedroom was on the lighter side of BDSM.

Tate ever the gentleman walks around opens my door for me and offers me his hand to help me out of my car. I forgot how that simple gesture warms my heart. It’s actually a huge turn on for me.

“Thank you.” I try to remember to use the manners my mama taught me. I also know it offends him slightly when I don’t use them. For an asshole personality he has really good manners in public and even not in public.

There is a part of me that is excited about being with Tate one more time. Yet there is a part of me who wonders if I’ve lost my mind. Why would I torture myself this way? Knowing nothing can ever happen between us but sex.

Another night rushes back to me

“LuAnn is asking questions about you.”

“Me specifically or why you are so busy all the time?”

“Why I’m busy and who SHE is.”

“What did you tell her?”

Tate and I are laying on the couch together watching TV. I’m not sure why he brought this up. I have such mixed emotions. I know I’m married and not free to claim Tate as mine but I want too. I love him. A secret part of me wants a future with him when Steve is gone but that is not something I can let myself believe in. Tate may not want the same thing and he has crazy LuAnn.

“I keep telling her that it doesn’t matter. She’s not going to stop me from doing what I want to do. She’s never been able to.”

“Your relationship with her is so confusing.”

The leather of the couch crinkles as I shift to make myself more comfortable.

“I mean you act like you despise her yet you are still with her. Let her publically claim you as her fiancé. All the while telling me and your friends how much you want to be rid of her.”

“I do want to get rid of her but I have to pay back the damn money she loaned me. Mistake one was falling for the crazy chick, mistake two borrowing money to get my business open. ”

I don’t say anything. I honestly don’t know what to say to him. This relationship we have is not normal. There is no handbook, no guidelines. We just take it day by day. Deal with things as they come up. The last four months have been rocky. The fights. The almost break ups. It’s not easy being in an open relationship.

“You have nothing to say?” Tate asks me. I can almost picture his eyebrows lifted as he questions me. Of course I have a ton of things I want to say but honestly do I have a right?

“What do you want me to say? You know I hate the way she treats you. I hate the way you get stressed out when you deal with her. I hate that I have to share you with her but I can’t do anything about it only you can.”

Guess I had more to say about it than I thought I did. Tate’s arms tighten around me.

“If only we met at a different time and things could be different for us.”

I feel him there. Sometimes I wish the same thing. I wish I met him when I was single and he was single. I wish that we had a traditional relationship. Instead we have a cluster fuck that keeps me bordering insanity.

“Yea that would have been nice.”

We lapse into silence as we watch a sitcom about a couple who are dating and falling in love. It only makes my desire for Tate hit harder. One of these days I think to myself I will be able to be happy in love again. Steve and I had a wonderful life together but our marriage is over in the traditional sense. Tate will never be able to give me the traditional relationship I want. Yet I don’t want to lose him either. I’ve come to care deeply for him. Love him. I want to be there for him but how?

I have to stop thinking about this it drives me crazy. I’m so confused by my own feelings. I’m confused by Tate’s feelings. I just wish it could be simpler for us. That’s the only thing I do know. How to make it happen is a whole other can of worms.

I want to lay here wrapped in Tate’s arms and just enjoy the moment. I love the peace and quiet that comes from being at his house. There is no urgent need to take care of someone there isn’t a teenager needing me to do something for them. It’s just laid back. Worry free. Maybe not completely worry free but close enough. Being with Tate is my escape. It’s my happy place right now. I don’t have to think about my husband dying. I don’t have to think about being alone.

Memories like this is what makes it hard to forget about Tate. I was always so damn comfortable with him. It was easy. There was just happiness for the most part for us. Now here I am again in his house. Once again I’m lost and confused. I’m not sure what I am doing. I just hope I don’t hurt myself more in the long run.