Uncle John’s Impossible Questions & Astounding Answers (12 page)

Wine is manufactured in every U.S. state. After California, which state produces the most?

What cynical writer referred to human beings as “primarily bags for putting food into”?

Did you think poop? Good guess, but the answer is…saliva. Bird’s nest soup, called
yàn wo
(“swallow’s nest”), has been served as a delicacy in China for 400 years. It’s actually made from the nests of cave swiftlets. It takes the male swiftlet more than a month to excrete enough saliva to form a small cup-shaped nest that he attaches to a cave wall. After the nest is removed, the chef dissolves it in water, creating a thick, gelatinous material that’s both tasty and, some say, medicinal. It purportedly sharpens the mind, reduces asthma, boosts the immune system, aids digestion, and raises the libido. As such, the birds’ nests are among the most expensive animal-based food sources in the world, costing up to $4,000 per pound and fueling the economy of North Sumatra, Indonesia, where the nests are most commonly found today.

California is the leader, generating 90 percent of U.S. wine production. Number 2 is New York (3.7 percent), followed by Washington (3.3 percent). The last state to become a wine maker: North Dakota in 2002.

In his 1937 essay about British socialism,
The Road to Wigan Pier
, George Orwell—author of
1984
and
Animal Farm
—referred to people as “food bags.”

Time to test your knowledge of all things Yankee, Doodle, and Dandy!

If you were alive during the latter half of the 18th century, where might you find some now-famous pieces of Americana that contained bits of a horse, a donkey, a hippopotamus, an elephant, a cow, and a human—but, despite rumors to the contrary, no part of a tree?

Inside George Washington’s mouth. Although he was a strong military leader, the Founding Father was sickly for most of his life—suffering bouts of smallpox, dysentery, and malaria, among other maladies. One of the many medications with which Washington was treated was
calomel
, now called mercurous chloride. That’s most likely what wreaked such dental havoc on his mouth: Washington started losing his teeth at just 22 years old, and had only one tooth left when he was sworn in as the first U.S. President in 1789.

Over the years, as Washington endured toothaches, abscesses, gum disease, and painful extractions (sans anesthesia), dentists fitted him with all sorts of toothy contraptions made from the bone and teeth of many animals—but, contrary to common mythology, no wood. According to dental historian Barbara Glover, Washington’s first full set of dentures, purchased for about $60, “had a base of hippopotamus ivory carved to fit the gums. The upper denture had ivory teeth and the lower plate consisted of eight human teeth fastened by gold pivots that screwed into the base. The set was secured in his mouth by spiral springs.” And this was one of Washington’s more “comfortable” sets—most were much bulkier, causing his teeth to jut out and his cheeks to look puffy. Yet despite the dour expression on his face in his portraits (you wouldn’t smile much either if you had all that stuff in your mouth), by all accounts Washington was a jovial man who enjoyed hosting music parties at his home.

Can you hum the melody to an old British drinking song called “To Anacreon in Heaven”?

Sure you can—just go, “Hmm hm hm hmm hmm hmmmm / hmm hm hmm hmm hmm hmmm.” That’s the start of the national anthem of the United States, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The now-familiar melody comes from a British drinking song that 35-year-old American lawyer (and poet) Francis Scott Key borrowed to accompany his four-stanza poem, “Defence of Fort McHenry.”

Here’s the story: Two years into the War of 1812 against England, U.S. President James Madison sent Key and fellow lawyer John Stuart Skinner on a diplomatic mission to negotiate the release of a Maryland doctor being held prisoner on a British ship. Key and Skinner sailed into Chesapeake Bay from Baltimore Harbor and boarded the vessel. Once there, the two lawyers dined with the British commander and eventually convinced him to release the doctor. Only problem: During dinner, the commander had mentioned his plan to attack nearby Fort McHenry that night, so neither Key nor Skinner was allowed to leave (so they couldn’t warn the Americans).

From the ship’s deck, Key witnessed the “bombs bursting in air” all night long and felt certain that Fort McHenry would fall. But then, “by the dawn’s early light,” he was overjoyed to see that “our flag was still there.” So that day, Key began penning a poem to honor the tattered flag. The song became popular soon after, but it would take more than a century for it to become the official U.S. national anthem.

What did the
Mayflower
smell like when the Pilgrims boarded it in 1620?

What article of clothing sparked the Battle of Gettysburg?

Exactly what history smelled like remains a mystery, but most historians agree that a lot of it stank of human and animal feces. However, the Pilgrims who boarded the
Mayflower
in 1620 to escape religious oppression in England got a bit of a break: Unlike most cargo ships—which reeked of livestock—the
Mayflower
was carrying barrels of sweet wine. So for the first week or two, the
Mayflower
smelled fruity. (No word on what the Pilgrims’ ship smelled like at the
end
of the voyage.)

Shoes—or more precisely, the lack of shoes. Rumor had it among Confederate soldiers that somewhere in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, was a warehouse full of new shoes. And Southern troops were in desperate need of warm footwear to prepare for the upcoming northern winter. Confederate Army Major General Henry Heth had heard the rumors and ordered his men to loot the Yankee town. On the way, however, they encountered a brigade of Union soldiers, sparking a battle that drew in nearby battalions from both sides. Over the next three days in July 1863, Gettysburg was the site of the bloodiest battle ever fought on American soil—50,000 soldiers were killed.

Footnote:
There was no truth to the rumor—Gettysburg had no warehouse full of shoes.

What was the typical pace of an Old West cattle drive?

Virginia leads the nation—it has seven. New York comes in second, with six. Ohio is third, with five. What are we talking about?