Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (40 page)

•
220 B.C.
Qin Shih Huang-di unites China for the first time and becomes emperor; work begins on the Great Wall of China (to keep out the Mongolians). Carthaginian commander Hannibal leads his army (and elephants) across the Mediterranean, Spain, and the Alps to attack the Romans. New technology: the Chinese invent the compass, leading to safer travel and improved mapmaking.

•
146 B.C.
Rome conquers Greece.

•
87 B.C.
Babylonians make the first record of Halley’s Comet. Glassblowing is invented by the Phoenicians, greatly increasing the production and use of glassware.

•
54 B.C.
General Julius Caesar conquers Gaul (central and northern Europe) for the Romans. Upon returning to Rome, he declares himself dictator.

•
51 B.C.
Land trade routes are now firmly established between the Far East and West. Cleopatra becomes queen of Egypt. She will be the last pharaoh.

And then what happened? Turn to
page 345
.

Genghis Khan killed his brother in an argument over a fish.

The Miss America pageant added the talent portion to the contest in 1935. Most contestants sing or dance, but some display more unusual skills
.

1943:
Joan Hyldoft (Miss Ohio) planned an ice skating routine. They built a small rink for her but left it out in the sun and it melted before the pageant began. She had to perform the routine on a bare concrete floor.

1949:
Carol Fraser (Miss Montana) rode a horse onto the stage to perform an equestrian routine. The horse stumbled and almost fell into the orchestra pit. Animal acts have been banned ever since.

1957:
Marian McKnight’s (Miss South Carolina) talent: an impersonation of Marilyn Monroe. (She won.)

1958:
Mary Ann Mobley (Miss Mississippi) sang an aria, which turned into a burlesque routine, including a striptease. She only got down to shorts and a slip, but disrobing was banned from any future acts. (She won, too.)

1959:
Lynda Mead (Miss Mississippi) became Miss America performing a dramatic recitation about schizophrenia.

1962:
Mary Lee Jepsen (Miss Nebraska) accidentally threw a flaming baton into the judges’ pit, leading to a ban on pyrotechnics. (She lost.)

1967:
Jane Jayroe (Miss Oklahoma) won the crown by conducting the Miss America orchestra.

1995:
Heather Whitestone (Miss Alabama) won after performing a ballet piece. What’s unusual about that? She’s deaf—she took her cues from the vibrations coming through the stage from the orchestra.

2000:
Theresa Uchytil’s (Miss Iowa) talent was a flashy baton twirling act. Lots of Miss Americas do baton-twirling. What made hers so impressive? Uchytil was born without a left hand.

Other actual “talents:”

•
Properly packing a suitcase.

•
Stomping on broken glass.

•
Driving a tractor.

•
Telling a fishing story with a Norwegian accent.

Uranus spins on its side.

Did you ever wonder how long a hippopotamus lives on average? Or a butterfly? Or an ant? Well, neither did we...until BRI member Phyllis Stein came up with this fascinating list
.

Platypus:
10–15 years

Garter Snake:
8 years

Deer:
10–15 years

Dragonfly:
1–4 weeks

Coyote:
14 years

Irish Wolfhound:
6 years

Duck:
10 years

Cow (Farm raised):
5–7 years

Cow (Free range):
18–22 years

Manatee:
60 years

Hippopatumus:
30 years

Daddy-longlegs:
2–3 years

Groundhog:
4–9 years

Sheep:
12 years

Monarch butterfly (Summer bred):
4–6 weeks

Monarch butterfly (Winter bred):
7–8 months

Elephant (Wild):
50–60 years

Elephant (Zoo):
15–20 years

Horse:
20–25 years

Kangaroo:
4–6 years

Sturgeon:
80 years

Chihuahua:
16 years

Oyster:
6 years

Giant tortoise:
150 years

Guinea pig (Wild):
3 years

Guinea pig (Pet):
12 years

Cat:
11 years

Mouse:
2 years

Rabbit:
6–8 years

Honeybee:
30 days

Earthworm:
4–8 years

Squirrel:
8–9 years

Horseshoe bat:
17 years

Alligator:
35–50 years

Tarantula (Female):
25–30 years

Tarantula (Male):
5–7 years

Carpenter ant:
5–7 years

Black crocodile:
75 years

Caribou:
5–8 years

Bullfrog:
7–9 years

Polar bear:
25–30 years

Rattlesnake:
20–25 years

Pig:
10 years

Giant paa-aa-aa-ndas bleat like sheep.

Most people have seen so many vampire movies they’d know what to do if attacked by a vampire: hold up a cross, pound a wooden stake into its heart, yada yada yada. But what if you were attacked by a zombie? Take this quiz...while there’s still time. Answers are on
page 516
.

1.
What is a zombie?

a)
Someone possessed by the devil.

b)
Someone who’s been given the evil eye by a gypsy.

c)
A tropical drink containing lime, pineapple, and papaya juice, and four kinds of rum.

d)
A dead person come back to life, with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

2.
How does a person become a zombie?

a)
Have a few of those four-kinds-of-rum drinks, wander out into traffic, and crash! You’re a zombie.

b)
Do you know how it feels to flip through 300 channels and still find nothing on TV? Do it long enough and Zap! You’re a zombie.

c)
By getting bitten or killed by another zombie. (No word on where the very first zombie, the “alpha zombie” came from.)

d)
Ask your mother—it’s not Uncle John’s place to tell you about the zombie birds and the zombie bees.

3.
What do zombies drink?

a)
Zombies.

b)
Water.

c)
Half decaf, half regular nonfat double lattes, easy on the foam.

d)
Nothing—zombies don’t drink.

4.
How smart are zombies?

a)
They’d be a lot smarter if they’d just lay off the zombies.

b)
They have some intelligence but not much.

c)
Except for shuffling around and eating humans, totally mindless.

d)
Dumber than mindless. Typical zombie investment portfolio: Enron, Beanie Babies, assorted dot-com stocks.

Wrinkles have three main causes...the sun, gravity, and facial expression.

5.
What is the average “life span” of a zombie?

a)
Until the next full moon, when they will die.

b)
Two weeks at the most.

c)
Three to five years.

d)
With enough human flesh to eat, they can live forever.

6.
How strong are zombies?

a)
Weak—like one of those zombie cocktails if you left out the rum.

b)
As strong as when they were alive, just stiffer and slower.

c)
Double the strength of a human being.

d)
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!

7.
How do you kill a zombie?

a)
Splash it with holy water.

b)
Destroy its brain.

c)
Feed it vegetarians—until it dies from malnutrition.

d)
Tie it to a tree, then wait for the sun to come up and melt it.

8.
What happens when you chop off a zombie’s head?

a)
It’s dead. You win!

b)
The head grows a new body; the body grows a new head. Nice going—now you’ve got two zombies to deal with.

c)
The body is dead, but watch out for that head! It’s still alive, and if it gets a chance it’s going to bite you on the ankle.

d)
Don’t let it go to waste: Smear it with peanut butter, roll it in peanuts, and hang it from a tree. Your zombie-head birdfeeder will add a festive atmosphere to your yard as it feeds birds all winter.

9.
What’s the weapon of choice when trying to kill a zombie?

a)
Hand grenade

b)
Hatchet

c)
Flamethrower

d)
Rifle

10.
How can you protect your pets from zombies?

a)
Cats avoid zombies by instinct. As for the dog, add a new trick to its repertoire: 1) Sit! 2) Fetch! 3) Get away from that zombie!

b)
Bathe your pets once a month with flea, tick, and zombie soap.

c)
Dress them in little zombie costumes (zombies don’t eat zombies).

d)
Don’t worry, zombies don’t care about pets—they only eat humans.

Smile! The Mentawai tribe of Indonesia file their teeth into sharp points.

Bruce Lee only finished four films in his lifetime, but many martial arts movie fans still consider them the best kung fu movies ever made. Here’s a look at the man behind the myth
.

F
IGHT CLUB

In 1958 a bunch of Hong Kong teenagers who studied a style of martial art known as
choy li fut
challenged another group of teens, who studied a style known as
wing chun
, to a fight. Fights like this were fairly common in Hong Kong—the kids would go up on the roof of a local apartment building, pair off, and spar with each other until one fighter forced his opponent over a white line painted on the roof.

But this fight was different—it turned ugly when one of the choy li fut kids punched one of the wing chun kids, Lee Jun Fan, in the face and gave him a black eye. Lee Jun Fan (better known by his English name, Bruce Lee) flew into a rage and gave his opponent quite a beating, even knocking out a tooth or two. When the kid’s parents saw what happened, they called the police. Bruce Lee’s mom got hauled down to the station and had to sign a paper stating that she would assume full responsibility—and possibly even go to jail—if her son misbehaved again.

COMING TO AMERICA

Fortunately for Bruce’s mom, her son had an option that most other Hong Kong teens didn’t: He had American citizenship. He’d been born in San Francisco while his parents were touring the United States with a Hong Kong opera company, so he was free to return to America at any time. And as Mrs. Lee saw it, that was probably the best place for him.

Bruce wasn’t much of a student—his bad grades and penchant for fighting had gotten him thrown out of more than one school—but even if he had been a good student, Hong Kong was still a British colony and nearly all the best job opportunities were set aside for the British kids. If Bruce stayed in Hong Kong, he’d likely end up on the streets, in jail, or dead. So, Mrs. Lee handed her 17-year-old son $100 and put him on a ship to San Francisco.

The game of marbles dates back to the Stone Age and is found in almost every culture.

Bruce spent a short time there, then moved to Seattle, where he enrolled in high school and went to work as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant. Bruce was a champion cha cha dancer as well as a student of the martial arts, and he gave dancing and kung fu lessons on the side. In time he dropped the dance lessons and focused on martial arts full time.

BACK TO BASICS

By 1964 Lee was 24, married, and running two of his own martial arts studios, one in Seattle and a second in Oakland, California. Several months after the Oakland studio opened, a martial arts instructor named Wong Jack Man from nearby San Francisco demanded that Lee stop teaching martial arts to non-Chinese
gweilos
or “foreign devils.” (In those days, many Chinese instructors were opposed to teaching anyone outside their own community.) If Lee refused, Wong Jack Man would challenge him to a fight, and if Lee lost he would either have to stop teaching martial arts to gweilos or close down his studio altogether.