Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (31 page)

Brazilian supermodel Angela Bismarchi danced in, well, nothing, basically, at the head of a 300-person samba ensemble in 2008’s Carnival celebration in Rio. She did it to celebrate her latest cosmetic surgery operation—which put a slant in her eyes to fit with the Carnival’s theme: the celebration of 100 years of Japanese immigration to the country. It was Ms. Bismarchi’s 42nd plastic surgery operation, putting her just five off the world record of 47, held by American “living doll” Cindy Jackson. “I was always vain,” said Bismarchi.

Claudia Michelle de Brito and her husband tried for four years to have kids, with no luck. They finally opted for a surrogate, but Brazilian law states that only close relatives can be surrogate mothers; de Brito is an only child and none of her female cousins were
willing. So her mom volunteered. In 2007 Rosinete Serrao, 51, had four of her daughter’s eggs (fertilized by her son-in-law) implanted in her uterus. In September she delivered twin boys, making her one of the few women ever to give birth to her own grandchildren.

The Jockey Club is a Rio de Janeiro medical facility for horses, with extra-large versions of human hospital equipment, such as X-ray and MRI machines. And if you’re an obese person in Rio and you need such a test—that’s probably where you’ll go. Hospitals there started using the horse facility for extra-large people in 2007.

In June 2008, Sao Paulo police raided the home of a known murderer and found two guns, a gym set, a plasma-screen TV, and $173,000 in cash. All of that might have been fine, but the “home” where he and the contraband were found was a prison cell in a federal penitentiary. An investigation into how the convict managed his posh (and armed) life in a prison is underway.

In July 2008, Gabriel Almeida, an 11-year-old Sao Paulo boy, was playing in his back yard when he was attacked by his uncle’s pit bull. The dog bit the boy’s left arm, at which point the boy responded by sinking his teeth into the dog’s neck. Some nearby bricklayers chased the dog off before it could attack again. And Gabriel bit the dog so hard that he lost a tooth…a canine tooth. The boy—and the tooth—made television news all over Brazil.

In August 2008, Alexandre Jacinto decided to run for a seat on the town council in Petrolina, Brazil—but not under his own name. Brazilian election law says candidates can use any name they want, so Jacinto ran as “Barack Obama.” “I read a book about Obama’s rise,” Jacinto said, “a poor, simple man who became a senator. My aim too is to get to the top—the presidency.” He wasn’t the only one: Five other candidates around the country also chose the name. So who knows? There just may be a “President Barack Obama” of Brazil someday.

A new paradigm of core values is emerging from executive team leaders who think outside the box and are able to facilitate synergistic business models by empowering their people-based commodities. Translation: Some people in big business have shown flashes of common sense
.

“All of us believe that the product we produce is important. But 99.9% of your customers couldn’t care less about your product or service. You are not that important in their universe. And that’s almost impossible to accept.”

—
Peter Drucker

“There’s no genius behind it. It’s persistence and listening to people.”

—
Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist

“Failures in business are caused by self-centeredness, treating business as a short-sighted profit-making endeavor, and clinging to outmoded practices.”

—
Konosuke Matsushita, founder of Panasonic

“Sales are vanity; profits are sanity.”

—
Silas Chou

“Risk comes from not knowing what you’re doing.”

—
Warren Buffett

“It doesn’t make any difference whether the product is cars or cosmetics. A company is only as good as the people it keeps.”

—
Mary Kay Ash

“Just because your ratings are bigger doesn’t mean you’re better.”

—
Ted Turner

“There is only one boss. The customer. And he can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, simply by spending his money somewhere else.”

—
Sam Walton

“Business opportunities are like buses: there’s always another one coming.”

—
Richard Branson

“Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful—that’s what matters.”

—
Steve Jobs

Ever been in a video store with no idea what to rent? It happens to us all the time. So we decided to offer a few recommendations
.

A
MERICAN HEART
(1992)
Drama
Review:
“Jack is a suspicious ex-con, newly released from prison, with few prospects and little hope. He also has a teenage son he barely remembers but who desperately wants to have his father back in his life. Hard-boiled, poignant, and powerful.” (
Videohound’s Golden Movie Retriever
)
Stars
: Jeff Bridges, Edward Furlong.
Director
: Martin Bell.

Review:
“A rare white camel calf is born among the herd of a family in the Gobi Desert. The calf struggles for survival after its mother, traumatized by the difficult labor, refuses to allow it to suckle. How this family deals with this small crisis is an unguessable miracle that will delight children and adults alike.” (
Decent Films Guide) Directors
: Luigi Falorni and Byambasuren Davaa.

KENNY
(2006)
Comedy

Review:
“This Australian charmer of a mockumentary about a hardworking, jovial employee for a portable toilet company is a low-key study of underdog pride rather than a bodily function jokefest. Droll about the perceived embarrassment of his trade, Kenny is a barrel-chested, kind-eyed Aussie king in the stand-alone outhouse business, proud of his sewage-handling capabilities. Reminds us of what’s winning about lovable lugs.” (
Los Angeles Times) Star
: Shane Jacobson.
Director
: Clayton Jacobson.

LAST NIGHT
(1998)
Drama/Science-Fiction

Review:
“A film about the end of the world that paints a bittersweet picture. The world will end at midnight precisely and we meet a small group of people as they try to face the end with a certain grace and dignity. As the final hour approaches for the characters, there are moments of startling poignancy.” (
Roger Ebert’s Movie Yearbook
)
Stars
: Don McKellar, Sandra Oh.
Director
: Don McKellar.

THE ORPHANAGE
(2007)
Horror/Foreign

Review:
“Young orphan Laura spent her formative years at a large orphanage located by the Spanish seaside. Thirty years later, she returns to the dilapidated institution with her husband and seven-year-old son to reopen it as a facility for disabled children. However, something ominous haunts the darkened hallways of this silent, stately manor.”
(All Movie Guide) Director
: Juan Antonio Bayona.

PUCKER UP
(2005)
Documentary

Review:
“Five diverse whistlers head to North Carolina to see who will become the champ at the National Whistling Competition. Inherently funny and entertaining simply due to its subject matter. These people take their whistling very seriously.” (
Film Threat
magazine)
Directors
: Kate Davis and David Heilbroner.

THE FOUNTAIN
(2006)
Science-Fiction

Review:
“A present-day medical researcher works on a cure for cancer. Meanwhile, a 15th century conquistador searches out the Tree Of Life. Finally, in 2500, a man tries to regenerate the Tree in the heart of a star. At heart, this is a simple fable about love and death, but keeps viewers enthralled from Mayan temples to space nebulae. A complex and gorgeous mini-epic.” (
Empire
magazine)
Stars
: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz.
Director
: Darren Aronofsky.

A PERFECT WORLD
(1993)
Drama

Review:
“A father-son relationship develops between an escaped convict and the seven-year-old boy he takes as a hostage. A very American mix of male bonding, road movie, and thriller that reveals a few signs of originality.” (
Halliwell’s Film and Video Guide
)
Stars
: Kevin Costner, Laura Dern.
Director
: Clint Eastwood.

GOD IS BRAZILIAN
(2003)
Family/Foreign

Review:
“God has reached the end of his tether with the human race and has decided to take a well-earned vacation. But he needs to find someone to fill in for him while he’s away. Perusing his list of Saints, he travels to Brazil, where he stumbles across Taoca, a sprightly young man with a verve for life that inspires God to rethink some of his ideas about the human race. Funny, touching, and unique.” (Yahoo! Movies)
Director
: Carlos Diegues.

The
lede
is the first sentence of a news story which is supposed to give the “who, what, where, when, why, and how” that will be fleshed out in the article. As these actual ledes show, sometimes you don’t have to read any further
.

F
resno police have arrested a high school student accused of stabbing her friend in what the two girls described as a friendship bonding rite.” (
San Francisco Chronicle
)

• “A bank robber got as far as a nearby pawn shop before a dye pack, inserted in his wad of stolen cash, exploded in his pants, authorities said.” (Associated Press)

• “One of Canada’s leading cinema chains has stopped handing out Christmas wrapping paper to its patrons after parents complained it featured angels fondling each other suggestively, newspapers reported on Tuesday.” (Reuters)

• “A carpenter who keeps his clothes clean by working in the nude was arrested after a client returned home early and found him building bookcases in the buff.” (MSNBC)

• “A woman has been admonished after she admitted feeding her estranged husband a curry containing dog excrement.” (BBC)

• “Belgrade: A Serbian man was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend, during the city’s annual beer festival.” (
GulfNews.com
)

• “Indian police forced a thief to gobble down 40 bananas in a few hours, hoping they would force him to excrete a gold necklace he had snatched and swallowed.” (Reuters, U.K.)

• “A man faces five years in jail after being accused of assaulting a teenager with a hedgehog.” (
Daily Mail
)

• “Fort Hays State University has fired its debate coach for losing his temper at a tournament, engaging in a videotaped shouting match that included pulling down his shorts to expose his underwear.” (Associated Press)

Here’s a forgotten piece of modern music history
.

T
HE EVENT
It was 1972, and the Austin, Texas, music scene, which blended country and rock ’n’ roll, was beginning to get national attention.
Time
and
Rolling Stone
had written about it, even predicting that Austin’s premiere music venue, Armadillo World Headquarters, would be as much of a mecca to country music as San Francisco’s Fillmore Auditorium had been to rock. A few ambitious concert promoters decided to take advantage of the hoopla, and organized a three-day day music event near Dripping Springs, a small town west of Austin. The idea was to promote the Austin music style…and cash in along the way.

The lineup for the “Dripping Springs Reunion,” held that March, included country music legends Loretta Lynn, Bill Monroe, Hank Snow, Tex Ritter, Tom T. Hall, Charlie Rich, Charlie Pride, and Roy Acuff. But it also included country music’s rock-influenced “outlaws,” who were leading the Austin scene: Merle Haggard, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, Billy Joe Shaver, and Willie Nelson. The promoters dubbed it “Country Music’s Woodstock.”

It was a flop. Among the numerous organizing goofs: not providing enough parking spots, camping places, or Porta-Potties. Add to that the fact that the event was poorly advertised—about 200,000 people were expected, but only 60,000 showed up—and it was a financial disaster. But the Dripping Springs Reunion was a success in at least two ways: It was the first time traditional country and “outlaw” country music had been combined at such a large festival; and the appearance of the established artists helped legitimize the lesser-known artists, making the event pivotal in the development of modern country music. It was also an inspiration for Willie Nelson, who decided to hold his first annual “4th of July Picnic” at the same site a year later. Though it’s changed locations over the years, that event is still referred to by many as “Willie’s Woodstock.” And it’s still going on today, more than 30 years later.