Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (33 page)

• Missouri.
Lewis and Clark are seen returning from their Western expedition in a river-boat on the Missouri River (they returned in 1806), going through St. Louis’ Gateway Arch (built in 1965).

• Arkansas.
Reflecting its major industries, Arkansas’s quarter shows rice stalks, a diamond, and a duck.

• Michigan.
A map of the state with the Great Lakes highlighted.

• Florida.
On the left is a Spanish galleon (Spain explored and settled Florida in the 1500s); on the right is the Space Shuttle (it launches from Florida’s Kennedy Space Center).

• Texas.
A map of Texas with a large star, referencing its nickname “the Lone Star State,” which comes from the Texas flag—red, white, and blue with a single star—designed when it was an independent republic in the 1840s.

• Iowa.
A one-room schoolhouse with students outside planting a tree. It’s a rendering of the painting
Arbor Day
by Iowan artist Grant Wood.

• Wisconsin.
Three of the state’s biggest commodities: a cow, a wheel of cheese, and an ear of corn.

• California.
As 19th-century naturalist John Muir gazes at Yosemite National Park’s granite Half Dome monolith, a California condor soars overhead.

• Minnesota.
A lake (Minnesota is the “land of 10,000 lakes”).

• Oregon.
Crater Lake, a crystal-blue body of water that sits in a caldera (a volcanic crater) and is the nation’s deepest lake.

• Kansas.
A buffalo (the state animal) and a sunflower (the state flower).

• West Virginia.
The quarter depicts the state’s 3,030-foot long, 876-foot high New River Gorge Bridge—one of the longest and highest steel-span bridges in the world.

• Nevada.
Three mustangs running free. Nevada is home to more than half of the country’s wild horses.

• Nebraska.
Passing by landmark Chimney Rock is a family in a covered wagon headed west on the Oregon Trail.

• Colorado.
The Rocky Mountains.

• North Dakota.
In 1906 President Roosevelt signed the Antiquities Act, which set aside the state’s Badlands as a nature preserve for endangered bison. Today, 400 bison roam the area (and two of them are on the quarter).

• South Dakota.
Mount Rushmore and a ring-necked pheasant.

• Montana.
A bison skull, which is both a Western icon and a symbol of the state’s Native American heritage.

• Washington.
A leaping salmon and Mount Rainier.

• Idaho.
The peregrine falcon, once endangered but now abundant in Idaho.

• Wyoming.
A bucking horse and a rider, symbolizing the Wild West.

• Utah.
Two trains and a railroad spike. In 1869 the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railway lines were joined in Promontory, Utah, completing the transcontinental railroad.

• Oklahoma.
The state bird, the scissortail flycatcher, flying over a field of wildflowers, and the state flower, the Indian blanket.

• New Mexico.
Over a topographical map of the state is the sun symbol of the Zia Pueblo tribe. Emanating from a circle are four points, which represent the four directions, the four seasons, and the four ages of man (childhood, youth, middle age, old age).

• Arizona.
The Grand Canyon and a saguaro cactus.

• Alaska.
A grizzly bear eating a salmon.

• Hawaii.
A portrait of 19th-century Hawaiian king Kamehameha I, who united the islands into one kingdom.

EXTREME PUN-ISHMENT

A lion, a hawk, and a skunk were arguing in a clearing. “I am the strongest,” said the lion, “because every animal fears me!” “No,
I
am the strongest,” said the hawk, “because only I can hunt from the air!” “No,
I
am the strongest,” replied the skunk, “because my stench could keep both of you away!”

And then a fisherman walked out into the clearing and easily captured all three animals—hawk, lion, and stinker.

T-shirts are like bumper stickers, only for people, not cars. (Duh.) Here are some real T-shirts sent in by BRI stalwart Megan Todd
.

Y2K Survivor

Volunteering: It Doesn’t Pay

Kenya Dig It
?

Practice Safe Lunch: Use a Condiment

Canada: America’s hat

Mexico: America’s beard

OBSCURE BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF

Without me, It’s Just Awso

S
OUTH
K
OREA
’
S
G
OT
S
EOUL

Beards: They Grow On You

Earthquakes: Not My Fault

Prague: Czech It Out

Sex: Do It for the Kids

Missouri Loves Company

I Got This Shirt at a Thrift Store

E
VERYBODY
L
OVES
R
AMEN

Attention Ladies: I Enjoy Grey’s Anatomy

I (blank) Mad Libs

Hyperbole Is the Best Thing Ever!

Suits Suck

Kinetic Energy: Pass It On

Pavlov: The Name That Rings a Bell

Club Sandwiches, Not Seals

I Went T-Shirt Shopping and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

It’s Okay, Pluto. I’m Not a Planet, Either

The Police Never Think It’s as Funny As You Do

Ask Me About My Ability to Annoy Complete Strangers

WITH A SHIRT LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS PANTS?

Some people call it “ecodriving,” others call it penny-pinching. Whether you’re doing it out of environmental conscience or financial necessity, saving gas has become a way of life. Here are some tips from the experts
.

M
OTOR MISERS
For as long as people have been driving cars, there have been a dedicated few motorists who try to squeeze as many miles as they can out of a single tank of gas. During good times, when gas was plentiful and cheap, they did it for the fun of the challenge, or just for the principle of preserving a limited natural resource. In harder times, such as World War II, when gasoline was strictly rationed, or during the oil crisis of 1973, when gas cost more than ever before, people couldn’t afford
not
to save gas.

Lucky for us they did do it, because over the years they’ve developed a lot of gas-saving techniques that we can use today. Many involve nothing more than common sense, and you may be surprised how many of these “secrets” you knew already without even realizing it. Now all you have to do is put them into practice.

Many cars now come equipped with onboard computers that track fuel mileage continuously and give an estimate of how much fuel a car is consuming at any given moment. If your car has such a computer, all you have to do is follow the instructions in your owner’s manual that tell you how to get the computer to display continuous mpg. Aftermarket computers are also available; they work on most vehicles made after 1996 and sell for under $200.

For those who drive older cars or don’t have $200 to spend, calculating a car’s mpg at any given moment won’t be possible. But it’s still possible to calculate the average miles per gallon for each tank of gas using the trip odometer. You probably know this, but just in case…

• The next time you gas up, remember to reset your trip odometer to zero. Then, after you’ve used up that tank of gas, make a note of how many miles you’ve driven and how many gallons of
gas it takes to fill back up. Divide the miles by the number of gallons to get your average mpg. (Remember to reset your trip odometer to zero, so that you can calculate average mpg again the next time you fill up.) If you drove 300 miles and had to buy 12.5 gallons of gas, for example, your average miles per gallon on that tank of gas were roughly 300/12.5=24 mpg.

• If your car doesn’t have a trip odometer, it will still have an ordinary odometer that tells you how many miles the car has been driven over its lifetime. Make a note of the odometer reading every time you buy gas, and subtract the previous reading to calculate the number of miles you drove on your last tank of gas.

• However you calculate your car’s average mpg, it helps to keep track of the information in a notepad or pocket calendar, so that you can measure how your fuel economy improves over time as you put hypermiling tips into practice.

•
Repairs.
If you aren’t already in the habit of keeping your car properly tuned up and fixing mechanical problems as they arise, start now. Just by doing so, you can improve your car’s fuel efficiency by anywhere from 4% to 40%, depending on the severity of the problems that need to be fixed.

•
Tires.
Keeping your tires inflated to the proper pressure (listed in the owner’s manual and on the inside edge of the driver’s side door) can increase fuel economy as much as 3%. Tires that are underinflated require more energy to move because more of their surface area touches the road, increasing friction or what’s known as “rolling resistance,” which harms fuel economy. Keeping your tires properly inflated saves additional money by reducing wear and extending the life of your tires.

•
Oil.
Be sure to use the correct grade of motor oil; using the wrong grade can reduce your mileage by as much as 2%. Change the oil as often as the auto manufacturer suggests: the longer the oil is in your car, the thicker it becomes with dirt and grime. And the thicker it gets, the more energy is required to push it through the engine.

The good news: you can save gas in a car that’s already tuned up.
The bad news: you do it by
slowing down
. If you drive 65-75 mph on the highway, the biggest step you can take toward increasing your car’s mpg is slowing to 55 mph. Most passenger cars are most economical at between 40 and 55 mph. Then fuel economy drops rapidly as speed increases above 60 mph, due to the fact that aerodynamic drag increases exponentially as speed increases. At high speeds, more than half the gas your car burns is spent overcoming wind resistance. And your lead foot may cost you more than you realize: The Department of Energy estimates that when gas is priced at $4.08 a gallon, every 5 mph you drive over 60 is the same as paying an extra 30 cents per gallon of gas.

In a test conducted by
Consumer Reports
magazine, simply decreasing the speed of a Toyota Camry from 75 to 55 mph resulted in a nearly 30% increase in fuel economy, from 30 up to 40 mpg. And if 55 mph is asking too much, when the Camry slowed from 75 to 65 mph, fuel economy still increased from 30 to 35 mpg.