Under the Lights (17 page)

Brady jumped up and grabbed the remote. “Watch the left side,” he said enthusiastically.

“Here we go again,” West grumbled.

WILLA

The phone rang, and I almost didn't answer it. The last call had been from Gunner, who hadn't said anything to me but had asked to speak to Nonna. Apparently he was staying the night at Brady's. I didn't have to wonder why. It was obvious he was avoiding me. I'd be getting up early in the morning and going to the bus stop. I knew without asking that Gunner wouldn't be coming to pick me up. The kiss had sent him running. Fine. Whatever. It would never happen again.

Kissing Gunner had shown me what I had been trying to ignore. He was the boy who had my heart now. Not Brady. But I couldn't force him to want me. I would let him
react however he needed. I understood hiding from life. I'd done it myself.

“Get the phone,” Nonna called from her bedroom. I had no choice now. I was going to have to answer the stupid thing.

Taking a deep breath and reminding myself if it was Gunner I couldn't curse him out because he was dealing with a lot right now, I reached for the phone.

“Hello.”

There was a pause, and I almost said hello again; then he spoke.

“Will.” My brother's voice startled me, and I froze. He hadn't spoken to me in over six months. Even when I had called and written, he'd ignored me.

“Hey, Chance.” The happiness from hearing his voice felt foreign. I wasn't used to that much joy anymore. It had been too long.

“Hey.” He sounded nervous, but there was happiness in his tone too. “How is Nonna's?”

He barely knew Nonna. She hadn't been around him much of his life. Our mother didn't bring us to visit. Nonna had to save up to come visit us when we did see her. “She's good. Still baking pies and working at the big house.”

“Cool. Um, so are you liking it there?”

I wasn't sure anymore. If he had asked me yesterday,
I'd have probably been able to say yes. But after today, and hearing his voice, I was now missing him and my life there badly. Maybe not my mom but the life I'd once had.

“Yeah, it's good. I miss you though.”

He was quiet a moment before saying, “I miss you too.”

My chest ached for two reasons. One, because I did miss him terribly, and two, because he was talking to me again. I had feared I'd lost him. He only knew what he'd been told about that night. No one really wanted to hear the truth. Even though the truth wasn't much better. In the end Quinn had drowned. That was the outcome of our mistakes. Mistakes we could never take back.

The image of Quinn's small, lifeless body floating upside down in the deep end of the pool still gave me nightmares. I hated to remember. The reality of it chilled me to the bone.

“How's school?” I forced myself to say as my throat tightened and my horror returned.

“It's okay. Mom's pregnant. She's having a girl.”

Those words came out all rushed and nervous. Like he was almost yelling them before he lost his courage.

Our mother was having another baby. A girl. To replace me. Chance might not understand that, but I did. I was her mistake. The obstacle that stood in the way of the life she had dreamed of. I was never the child she wanted. She
left me with her mother the majority of my life. I was a disappointment, much like she had been to Nonna. So she was having a redo.

“Tell her I said congratulations,” I told him. “I'm sure your dad is excited.”

“Yeah,” he replied, not sounding so sure. I wondered if they were fighting a lot in front of him.

“Are you excited about the baby?” I asked.

“I guess. Don't they just cry a lot?”

Smiling, I remembered the little time I got to spend with him when he was a baby. I was amazed by him, but we never lived together until he was eight years old. I loved him though.

“You'll love her. I remember how fascinated I was with you and how your crying didn't bother me so much because when you were happy and laughing, you were the cutest baby I'd ever seen.”

“Really?” There was a smile in his tone.

“Yep. I thought you were great. Still do.”

He didn't say anything right away. I gave him time to work through his thoughts. “I'm sorry I haven't called you.”

He was a kid. With two parents who hated me. That wasn't his fault. “It's okay. I understand. I made big mistakes, and you not wanting to talk to me made sense. There
were times I didn't want to even look at myself in the mirror. But I've missed you and thought about you all the time.”

“I think about you too. I miss you reading Percy Jackson to me at night. Mom won't do it.”

Chance was dyslexic and he loved books and reading, but it was so hard on him it took him hours to read a couple pages. So at night I used to read him a chapter from the new Percy Jackson novel he would get from the library at school. It was our thing. I missed that too.

“I miss reading to you. Have you been keeping up your own reading?” I asked.

“Yeah, I'm trying. I made an eighty-five on my literature test.” He was so proud of himself.

“That's fantastic! I'm so proud of you.”

“I smoked pot with George Hasher last week,” he added, and my stomach dropped.

Shit.

“Chance,” I said slowly, trying to figure out what to say to him. After all that had happened to me, I thought he'd never touch the stuff.

“I wanted to understand why you did it.”

That hurt. More than he would ever know. I put a hand on my stomach and sat down in the nearest chair. My knees were slightly weak, and I was sick.

“Because I was stupid. That's why I did it, and my stupidity changed my life. In a terrible, terrible way.” Not that I had to tell him this. He already knew.

“I know,” he said. “I just wanted to understand . . . things.”

He wanted to understand how Poppy and I could have forgotten about her little sister long enough for her to fall in the pool, hit her head, and drown. The autopsy revealed she'd been in the water for over an hour. There had been no saving her. Poppy hadn't been able to live with the guilt and pain. So she'd done the only thing she knew to do. She'd taken her own life days later.

“Did it help you?” I asked while wanting to scream at him to never do it again. He needed to know how it ruined lives and ended them. It wasn't safe and fun. It was evil. I learned in a way I never wanted Chance to experience.

“Yeah, I didn't care about anything. I thought life was hilarious. It was freeing, but I get how that is dangerous. I won't do it again.”

Good. Relief rushed through me. I didn't want Chance to suffer what I would never be without. Regret, guilt, loss, emptiness. Those would follow me my entire life. Because I had wanted to be high and drunk with friends. We had so stupidly thought staying at home made us safe. We weren't driving or in an environment that could harm us. But we
hadn't considered that a crisis could happen and we'd need to be alert enough to deal with it. Even at home.

“I don't hate you,” Chance said, and tears burned my eyes.

“Good, because I love you more than life.”

“I love you too.”

GUNNER

I had avoided her for four days. I hadn't even made eye contact with her. It was game day, and I had one focus in mind. Winning the game. Once we had won, I was taking Serena to my truck and spending several hours. It was homecoming, and I was ready for it.

Walking out of my second period, Asa and Willa were directly in my path talking. Willa was smiling up at him, and I watched them closely. When had Asa and Willa become so chummy?

“I'll see you at lunch,” he said as I got closer to them.

She turned to leave, and her eyes met mine. For a moment there was a flash that one could have mistaken
for her being pleased. But then they went empty, and she walked away as if I hadn't even been standing there. That burned. I'd asked for it, but it still motherfucking burned.

“What's up with you and Willa being so buddy-buddy?” I asked Asa, unable to pretend like I didn't care. Where the fuck was Brady? He had a wide-open opportunity here, and he was blowing it.

“Taking her to the dance tonight,” he said, beaming like he had won the lottery.

“I thought Brady was,” I said, not really knowing if that was even close to true. I just assumed Brady would ask her.

Asa frowned. “Naw, he's taking Ivy.”

He never got the nerve to dump Ivy. Well, then he deserved this. He could watch Willa dance with Asa and sulk all night. I wouldn't be dancing. I had other plans. Ones that didn't make me think about my parents and my house I still hadn't been back to.

I was going to have to go home after school though. I had to get my shit for tonight. Hopefully neither parent would be there. Rhett still was ignoring my calls and texts. I was trying not to let it get to me. But it was. We'd always been close. This had to have been hard for Rhett to hear. I'd known most of the lies for years. But I couldn't talk to him and check on him if he wouldn't return my calls or texts.

Brady stopped Willa, and I watched them. He was all smiles, and I knew he was liking the taking-her-to-school thing. He left earlier and always spent more time on his appearance. Why he let Asa get a chance at her I didn't understand. He obviously hadn't kissed her yet. Damn, that kiss. It was in my every thought. I was dreaming about it. That kiss was controlling me, and I didn't even care.

“I'm picking her up for school starting Monday. I asked her, and she said yes. Glad you decided to toss that job off to a taken guy so I had a chance.”

Shit.

What was Brady's deal?

“You don't even know her.” My comment sounded more annoyed than I had meant it to. But whatever.

Asa shrugged. “Gonna get to know her. I like what I do know.”

She had hell in her life he couldn't even begin to understand. It wasn't my place to tell him, and her secrets would remain that. Her secrets. I'd protect them.

“Don't hurt her.” Okay, that came out as a warning. What the hell—it was.

“Don't plan on it. Jesus back off. I like her.”

The urge to slam my fist into his face was strong but not the best move. I knew Asa. We were friends. He was a good guy. I was being ridiculous and maybe a bit jealous. I
had to let this go. I wasn't going to ever have a real relationship, so I wasn't ever going to have Willa. That kiss . . . well, it was my warning. That I couldn't even have a small taste of her. I was too fucked up.

She needed a Brady Higgens, dammit. Why wasn't he taking advantage of this? God, he was a dumbass. He didn't even like Ivy.

West used to help keep Brady's head on straight, but lately Maggie was all West could think about. I wonder if the first time he kissed Maggie he'd felt the earth move. That would make sense as to why he became so attached to her so quickly.

“I'll see you at lunch,” Asa said with a look of annoyance at my ignoring him, then left me there. Thinking about the reasons why that kiss with Willa couldn't mean more.

•  •  •

In my avoiding-Willa plan I hadn't been faced with her sitting at my lunch table with the team. And Serena all but perched on my lap. This was awkward. It hadn't been before, and that stupid kiss had made it this way. Thankfully, Asa hadn't taken a spot close to me, so I didn't have them directly there beside me. After my comment in the hall earlier, Asa had made the move to sit down the table closer to Nash and Ryker. West and Brady were the two closest to me. Which meant Ivy and Maggie were also. It
was obvious that Maggie wasn't a fan of Ivy or Serena, so she didn't appear comfortable.

Ivy was chattering on about those stupid brownies her momma made for Brady like she was the best girlfriend on the planet, and I tried to ignore her by straining to hear what Asa and Willa were talking about. Interestingly enough, so was Brady. He wasn't paying any attention to Ivy either. And I could tell he felt guilty about that. Which made no sense. In the least. Why was he even wasting time with her? I never understood that.

“Brownies are good, but not much beats those cookies of Mrs. Higgens's,” I said, wanting to shut the girl up so I could hear Willa.

“I second that. Those cookies are incredible,” West agreed.

Ivy shut up, although she looked ready to toss us both across the room. I watched as Willa tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, and a shy smile played on her lips. Asa was working his charm, apparently. She was about to blush.

And I was jealous as hell.

If I could stop watching this, it would help. But I was punishing myself. Why, I wasn't sure. The universe had chosen to punish me by giving me life. That should be enough for any one person.

I wondered if Willa felt the same. Her mother hadn't wanted her for eleven years, and now she was back here, unwanted again. We had that in common. Children born to those who hadn't wanted us but kept us all the same. If anyone could understand me, it would be Willa. She'd be able to truly get what I was feeling. She'd felt similar.

But she deserved more. I was damaged. I'd never be good for her. It was time Willa had a chance at something better. Wishing I could be that didn't help either of us. I had to let it go.

WILLA

The entire lunch he'd watched me. Why? He was avoiding me like I was going to cling to him and demand marriage over a kiss. If he was so scared of getting near me and my suddenly turning into Crazy Girl, then why was he watching me? It was annoying. It messed with my head, and I was thinking agreeing to go to that dance tonight was a bad idea.

The blue dress I had worn to homecoming last year at my school hung on my closet door. So many memories went with that dress. They all had Poppy in them. We had fun that night. It was before the pot smoking had started and the drinking. Life had been safe then. Easy.